It’s been two weeks since the arrangement between Cam and I ended. It affected me in a way I never had imagined that it would. I knew I was treading in deep waters that I didn’t belong in. I had broken my number one rule and found myself falling for him. Thankfully, Cameron was able to end it for both our sakes, because I don’t know that I would have been able to.
Even though I agreed with him, there was a reluctance that I didn’t let show. I could tell it caught him off guard when I simply just gave in and went along with what he was saying. It confused me more than anything—because it almost seemed like he wanted me to fight against him. But how could I possibly fight for something that was never supposed to exist in the first place?
I didn’t want the feelings any more than he did. But now that we ruined and lost our friendship in the midst of it all, I can’t help but feel fucking worse. Not only did I lose the one person my heart desired, I also lost someone who I had grown close to. A real friend. The sex was an added bonus, but I genuinely enjoyed his company and spending time with him.
None of that matters now, because it’s all fucking gone. And now I’m just left with my own feelings and wallowing in my sorrows. I had never cried over a guy before until Cam. It was my own fault for letting myself get as involved with him as I did. I shouldn’t have spent as much time with him. If we would have just kept things physical, maybe there wouldn’t have been any attachment between the two of us.
Instead, I let my guard down and I let him in. Hell, I even told him about my ADHD diagnosis and medication. That’s something that even Delilah doesn’t know about and she’s my best friend. Cameron forced his way under my skin and then removed himself like he was simply ripping off a Band-Aid. What he didn’t realize was he took a piece of me with him. The very organ that beats inside of my chest.
Now, it’s just a shattered mess, barely beating inside my rib cage.
“Aspen,” Delilah’s voice sounds from the other side of my apartment door as she bangs her fist on it. “I know you’re in there and you better open this goddamn door before I break it down.”
Sighing, I roll onto my side and sit up on the edge of my bed. I know Delilah well enough to know that she means what she’s saying. She may not be physically able to break down the door, but she will try with all of her might. And probably piss off all of my neighbors in the process.
I’ve been ignoring her texts and calls since yesterday. It’s Saturday and I just want to spend the evening in bed, like I have been for the past two weeks. It’s not like I cut her off when all of this happened. She’s seen me at school, but other than that, I’ve shut her out. I just don’t have the will to entertain anyone right now.
And when she noticed the avoidance between Cam and I in class, she didn’t hesitate to question me on it. I didn’t give her the full explanation, because I wasn’t sure I really wanted to speak it into existence. It was easier to just pretend like he didn’t exist, even though I had to face him every day. He stopped sitting in the seat next to me and instead found one in the back of the room.
Never once did I chance a glance in his direction because behind me is where he belongs. He’s a part of my past now because he was never supposed to be a part of my future.
Delilah keeps banging on the door, muttering obscenities as I shuffle through my kitchen and unlock the deadbolt. As I pull open the door, her fist is still in the air, but she quickly drops it when she sees me standing in front of her.
“Jesus, when was the last time you showered or changed your clothes?” she questions me, her face scrunching up as she takes in my appearance. I glance down at my tattered terry cloth shorts and my faded band t-shirt. My hair is a knotted mess on the top of my head, probably because I haven’t brushed it in a few days.
Shrugging, I step out of the way so she can slide past me into the apartment. I close the door behind her and move around her as she pauses in the kitchen. She glances over at the sink, which is filled with some dishes that have been sitting there for a few days.
Yeah, I may have been neglecting my own appearance, along with all of my household chores. Fucking sue me. I guess this is what a broken heart will do to you.
Delilah follows me into the main part of my apartment, but I continue walking over to my bed and crawl back under the covers into the exact place I was when she was pounding on my door. Luckily from my bed, I can see the TV which is playing some sappy Hallmark movie. I don’t know why I’ve been watching them, but seeing other people in love reminds me that not all hope is lost.
Although, it really is.
Love isn’t something I wanted before… until I found myself falling for Cam.
But I’m not sure I ever want that feeling with someone else.
Delilah sighs, kicking off her shoes as she shrugs out of her coat and tosses it onto the back of the couch along with her purse. She walks over to my bed, to the empty side, and climbs under the covers with me. I can feel her warmth as she shifts on the mattress, her body occupying the space that Cam once did.
“Aspen,” she says softly as she tucks a pillow under her head. I can feel her gaze on the back of my head, but I keep staring over at the TV instead. “I’m really worried about you. I’ve never seen you like this before and have no idea what to do to help you.”
“There’s nothing you can do,” I tell her, shrugging with indifference as I roll onto my back. My gaze lands on the ceiling and I trace invisible patterns in the white paint. “Cam and I talked about it and even though he was the one who suggested it, I agreed, so I guess it was a mutual decision.”
Turning my head to the side, I meet Delilah’s perplexed gaze as her eyebrows pull together. “What do you mean it was a mutual decision? I didn’t push for answers before when you said things were done between the two of you, but you have to give me more than that, girl. I know it hurts, but maybe it will feel better to talk about it.”
Swallowing hard over the emotions that builds in my throat, I nod slowly. “He said that the friends with benefits thing wasn’t working for him and I agreed because it wasn’t for me either. You called me out on my feelings for him and it made me realize that I didn’t want the same arrangement with him that we already had. So, when he told me it wasn’t working for him, I had no choice but to agree.”
Delilah raises an eyebrow. “You didn’t ask him what he meant by that or what had changed?”
“It didn’t matter. He spoke his piece and I wasn’t about to spill my feelings for him then. I had to let it go and let him go. Let’s be real here, Delilah,” I start, the exasperation evident in my voice. “We live two separate lives. We’re heading in two different directions. It would never work. And telling him how I felt wouldn’t have changed a single fucking thing.”
“Damn, girl,” Delilah breathes, her eyes sympathetic as they search mine, and she frowns. “I’m so sorry. I really thought he was feeling the same way about you with the way things were between the two of you. I hope you told him that you were done helping him study. Fuck him,” she sneers, curling her lip up in disgust. “I hope he fails without your help.”
A soft laugh falls from my lips and it sounds foreign. I don’t remember the last time that I laughed like this. “Okay, let’s not be dramatic. I don’t want to see him do badly in life. I just know I can’t be a part of his life… not even as friends.”
“Well, good for you, because you deserve more than that bullshit. And you definitely don’t deserve to sit in the fucking friend zone.” Delilah stares back at me, a sinister smile curling on her lips as she quickly sits up. “Enough of this self-pity shit, Asp. I’ve given you enough time to wallow in your sorrows. You know the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.”
Narrowing my eyes at her, my nostrils flare as I shake my head. I’m not ready to hop on someone else like Cameron never happened.
“Okay, fine,” she says, rolling her eyes as she rises to her feet and pulls the covers away from my body. She discards them on the floor and I glare up at her as I sit up in bed. “Go shower and clean yourself up. We’re going out tonight and having a good time. Cameron Sawyer is not worth your fucking time and you’ve wasted enough energy with him breaking your heart.”
“I don’t want to go out, Delilah.”
She shakes her finger at me, simultaneously shaking her head. “I’m not taking no for an answer. Either you wash the filth off or I’m dragging you out looking like you just crawled out of a dumpster.”
A sigh slips from my lips and I rise to my feet, my eyes still narrowed at her. Delilah is too persistent and I know she isn’t going to give up. She has a point, though. I’ve wasted far too much of my energy thinking about Cameron. Maybe going out will be good to get my mind off him. And I could definitely use a shower.
“You know, you’re cruel,” I sneer at her, catching clean clothes as she tosses them to me from my drawers and closet.
Delilah puts her hands on her hips, grinning at me with satisfaction. “I know, but you’ll thank me later for this.” She strolls toward me, grabbing my shoulders as she spins me around and starts to push me toward the bathroom. “There’s a party going on tonight and we’re going.”
Another sigh falls from my lips as she practically shoves me into the bathroom and pulls the door shut behind me. Dropping all of my clothes onto the counter, I look at myself in the mirror for the first time all day and cringe at my appearance. She was right. I look like shit, like a shell of a person.
I don’t know what kind of spell Cameron put on me, but it’s time that I get rid of it tonight. This doesn’t erase the pain that still lingers in the fibers of my heart, but it’s a start. It’s a step in the right direction, of getting over him and moving forward in life.
We all have to start somewhere, right?
And this is me starting to live my life after Cameron Sawyer came in and shook everything up.
