I’ve been successfully able to avoid seeing Aspen outside of class and it’s honestly been killing me. Things have shifted between us and it’s all my fault. After I spent the night with her last week, I found myself in the exact situation I have been trying to not get caught up in since I started having an interest in girls.
And Aspen managed to switch the game up on me. She nestled herself inside my soul and I can’t have her in there. Our futures don’t match up. After she graduates next year, she’s going to med school and I’m off to hopefully play in the NHL. Neither of us will have time for a relationship, so this is literally a waste of time.
We can’t continue fucking around and keep things on a friendship level with the way our dynamic has shifted. I’m too far gone with her and I need to pull myself from the depths of her ocean before I completely drown in her waters.
I’ve canceled on her for the past week for our tutoring sessions. Between hockey and the mindfuck that I’ve been dealing with, I needed some space to think and the only way I was going to get that was by putting some distance between the two of us. Being around her clouds my thoughts and makes it that much harder to come to the conclusion I needed to come to.
I have no choice but to end things with Aspen.
And hope that one day, she’ll thank me, even though I know it’s going to break her heart… and mine.
We’re supposed to meet at the library at seven and surprisingly Aspen is strolling in the room as I walk through the main doors of the building. I watch her from a distance, the way she moves through the room like she’s floating on air. She’s fucking ethereal and goddamn—this is going to be harder than I had imagined.
Taking a deep breath, I walk farther inside the library. Aspen is sitting at the table we normally meet at, but she doesn’t have any of her materials spread across the wooden surface. It surprises me and honestly throws me off as I walk over toward her.
Aspen types something on her phone, lifting her gaze to mine as I stop at the table she’s seated at. Instead of sitting next to her, I take the seat across from her, putting more distance between us, because fuck… I can’t be close to her right now or it’s going to derail my plan completely.
I watch her face as confusion washes through her eyes, her eyebrows pulling together slightly before her guard goes back into place. She pushes her shoulders back, squaring them as she stares at me with curiosity.
“Aren’t we studying?” I ask her, my voice strained. Clearing my throat, I make an attempt to swallow back the emotion that is building, but it doesn’t fully help.
Aspen stares back at me. “Is there something in particular that you wanted to go over? We haven’t met in, like, a week, so I wasn’t sure if this was actually about studying or what was going on.”
I swallow roughly, my jaw clenching momentarily as I take in her challenging look. She’s not pleased with me and there’s a coldness that radiates from her, chilling me to the bone. I’m used to the cold—I practically live on the ice—and that doesn’t come close to the frigidness that encapsulates Aspen right now.
“You’re right, this isn’t about studying,” I start, my voice low as I fold my arms over one another on the table. “I’m sorry for canceling on you and not really reaching out lately. My hockey schedule has been pretty demanding and since my grades have been better, I needed to put my sole focus on practice instead.”
“You don’t owe me any explanations, Cameron,” she says dismissively, her voice void of any emotion as she stares at me blankly. “You have your life and I have mine. Whether you choose to need my help anymore is your prerogative.”
Fuck. I don’t even know how to go about this. We’re not in a relationship but I can’t help but feel like I’m breaking up with her. I don’t do feelings, I don’t do any of this shit. A clean break is going to be better than dragging this out. We can’t continue doing this, point-blank.
“I think we need to keep our friendship as strictly just friends. And studying,” I tell her, my voice hoarse as I stare back into her ice glazed eyes. “The whole benefits thing isn’t working out for me.”
I watch her throat bob as she swallows, a wave of pain passing through her irises, but she quickly recovers as she nods. “I agree. I don’t think it’s working for either of us and it’s better if we just end it now instead of waiting until the end of the semester.”
Her words catch me off guard and I sit back in my chair, crossing my arms over my chest. My brow furrows and I tilt my head to the side as I stare back at the contradiction that she is. I didn’t expect her to break down and fall apart in front of me, but she’s sitting here agreeing with me.
What the fuck is happening right now?
And why the fuck does this hurt so badly?
The way she’s staring at me, with a coldness I’ve never experienced from her, shakes me to my core. This isn’t the Aspen I’ve grown close to. This is the Aspen who wants to push me away too. And fuck me for wanting to push back. Her words linger in my mind, playing on repeat. She wants to end this between us and it feels like she’s ripping my heart from my chest.
“So, we have an agreement then?” I ask her, my voice sounding like it’s miles away. Hell, it doesn’t even sound like it’s coming from my body right now. “We go back to just being friends.”
Aspen frowns, shaking her head at me. “I don’t think that that’s going to work for me either,” she admits, her voice low and harsh. “I can’t tutor you anymore, Cameron. We crossed a line when we shifted into friends with benefits and there’s no going back now. What’s done is done and we can’t take it back. All that we can do is move forward in the opposite directions that we’re going.”
I stare back at her, words completely failing me. This was completely unexpected and I don’t know how the hell to recover from this right now. This isn’t where I wanted this to go. I still want her in my life, just at arm’s length instead of entangled around my heart.
Grabbing her bag, she rises to her feet and tucks her phone in the back pocket of her jeans. “If you need someone else to tutor you, reach out to Jenna in our class. She’ll be able to help you. And maybe you can squeeze some benefits out of that new friendship then too.”
Aspen slices her eyes to me and I see the fucking pain she’s currently swimming in. She does a good job, putting on a cold front, but I see right through her facade. She only agreed with me because I suggested it first. And there’s no doubt in my mind that her heart is aching the same way mine is right now.
“Wait, Aspen,” I call after her as she spins on her heel and begins to stride through the library. I quickly climb out of my chair, my feet scrambling as I chase after her. “That’s not what any of this was. I don’t do this shit with everyone.”
As her hand reaches for the handle on the door, she glances at me over her shoulder. “Save it, Cam. I honestly don’t fucking care what you do. None of it is any of my business. Good luck with the rest of the semester and hockey season.”
My lips part, my mouth falling open as I watch her disappear through the doorway. I should stop her and tell her I didn’t mean any of it, but I can’t bring myself to go after her. Things are better off this way. Like she said, she has her life and I have mine.
This was supposed to end eventually anyway.
I just didn’t expect it to hurt this badly.
