Cameron left early this morning and there was a shift in the air before he left. After the first round, he was gentle and tender and took his time with me all night. I didn’t anticipate him staying the night, but once we got started, he stayed until after the sun rose. There was a storm brewing in those cloudy green eyes of his before he went home.
He didn’t say much, but I could feel the shift and I wasn’t sure how to interpret it. The last thing I want to do is read into anything, but I don’t know that I can help myself. He left with the promise of calling me later in the day and I wasn’t holding my breath to wait for him to actually call.
I haven’t left my bed much today, except to take a shower. My body was sore from the marathon Cam and I did last night and I needed something to help ease the pain in my muscles. I was supposed to go to my classes, but I’ve been doing well enough that I could afford to skip a day. Plus, I have someone in each of my classes that can send me the notes for the material I’ve missed for the day.
Delilah called me not long after I slipped back under the covers of my bed, asking me where I was. I told her I was at home, too tired to come in today, so that was all she needed to invite herself over to dig and see what was going on.
She knows me well enough to know that I don’t take many mental health days and that’s what I told her today was. Crawling out of my bed, I wrap a blanket around myself and head over to unlock the door for her. I grab a water bottle from the fridge on my way back through the apartment before settling on the couch instead of in bed.
After flipping through the channels, I settle on some garbage reality TV show to mindlessly get lost in until she gets here. It doesn’t take long for Delilah to show up and I already know that she opted out of going to her two afternoon classes to get the scoop on what was going on with me instead.
Delilah walks into the apartment, shutting the door behind her before finding me on the couch. She drops down onto the other side, lying down as she props herself up with a pillow. I glance over at her, acknowledging her presence as she quietly says hey, as if she’s treading lightly and is unsure how to approach whatever the situation could potentially be.
We sit in silence for a few moments, just staring at the TV before she abruptly sits up and faces me. “Okay, if you’re not going to tell me what’s going on, you’ve left me no choice but to ask instead.” She pauses for a moment, her eyebrows pulling together as she tilts her head to the side. “What’s up, Asp? It’s not like you to miss classes like this, so you better spill, girl.”
A sigh slips from my lips as I roll over onto my side to face her. I don’t bother moving off the couch or sitting up as I continue to lay there. “Cam came over and spent the night last night and I’m not sure how I feel about it.”
That’s a lie because I know exactly how I feel about it, I just don’t know that I’m ready to admit it out loud.
“What do you mean?” she questions me, her eyes filled with curiosity, and I know it’s killing her to not get all the dirty details of our night together. “This wasn’t the first night you guys spent together, right?”
I shake my head. “No, I’ve stayed at his place a few times, but this time it was different. When he left this morning, something just felt off and it left me unsettled.”
“How was he last night while he was here?”
Swallowing hard, our time together replays in my head. “He was different then too. Almost as if there was something more to it than fucking around… I don’t know how to explain it. He was just super attentive to my needs and making sure that I felt good and was taken care of.”
“Holy fuck,” Delilah breathes, her eyes widening as she shakes her head in disbelief. “It felt different because it was more than fucking around. He’s got it bad, girl, and you fucking know it.”
“No,” I shake my head, refusing to accept her statement. “We had an agreement. No feelings, no attachments. It wasn’t supposed to end up this way…” My voice trails off for a moment as I stare back at her. “I wasn’t supposed to get attached to him.”
Delilah stares back at me in disbelief. “You’re finally admitting this shit? Because I could have told you it was going to happen. With the way the two of you have been spending time together, the way you light up with him around. It’s so obvious you’re falling for him.”
“I can’t, Delilah. I can’t allow that to happen… but I think it’s too late.”
Delilah sighs, a small frown forming on her lips. “Are you going to tell him? You said something felt off when he left this morning?”
“I don’t know if I should tell him. This morning, he was different than he was last night. Almost as if he were trying to put distance between us. He didn’t really hang around that long after he woke up and said he’d call me later, but I don’t know that I believe that.”
“Shit,” Delilah breathes, shaking her head. “I can’t believe you actually caught feelings for him.” She pauses, tapping her chin for a moment. “Maybe give him some space because it sounds like he might be freaked out too. I don’t know, girl. Both of you are so against having feelings for someone, I don’t see this ending well.”
My stomach sinks as a wave of nausea rolls through me. There’s no way this can end well because we’re going against everything we had talked about not happening. And what if Cameron doesn’t have feelings for me? What if he could just tell that I’ve gotten attached and that’s pushing him away?
“What am I supposed to do, Delilah?” I ask her, my voice desperate for some kind of guidance. I’m stuck in a place I’ve never been in before and I literally have no idea of how to proceed. “Is it even worth saying anything to him when I already know this is going to blow up in my face? I mean, with how devoted he is to hockey, he would never have time for a relationship anyways. And I need to focus on getting into med school.”
Delilah shrugs. “I literally don’t have a good answer to that question, babe. I think you should just keep it to yourself for now. Just separate yourself, put some distance between the two of you and almost detach from the entire thing. I think if you can go back to focusing on this being a temporary situation, an arrangement that ends when the semester does, you will be okay.”
“You’re right,” I agree, nodding as I roll onto my back and direct my gaze back to the TV. “I can’t tell Cameron. I can’t let myself feel any of this. I just need to bury it and lock it away so it can never resurface again.”
“Exactly,” Delilah agrees. “Fuck Cameron Sawyer. You’re going to be a bad-ass doctor and all that he is, is a distraction. Cut ties with his ass as soon as the semester is over.”
Her words ring in my head and I know she’s right. As much as it hurts to admit, it’s my own stupid fault. I shouldn’t have let my guard down and let him get close. Feelings were the last thing I was supposed to catch, and here I am now.
I fucked around and got attached.
And now I need to figure out how to detach myself from the one person my heart desires.
