I fucked up by freezing up, that much I knew. I fucked up when I didn’t automatically choose her over Brooks, that much I also knew. But the more I called and the more she shot me to voicemail, the more worried I grew. The Black Flags were out there fucking with our lives, and she was out there without protection. And I knew if I even attempted to call Brooks, he’d burn this entire city down looking for her.
And kill all of us in the process.
“Come on,” I groaned.
It didn’t even ring this time. “Hi there! You’ve reached Astrid—”
“Damn it!”
I hung up the phone and resisted the urge to throw it against the wall. Someone had to keep a cool head in all of this. I was working with two hotheads that were more alike than anything else, and I had to tread lightly. But with every hour that ticked by without Astrid back at the house, I became worried that something had happened.
Was she snatched up like Raven?
Cornered in an alleyway?
Struggling in the back of a van?
“I need to go find her,” I murmured.
Deep down, I knew I’d never choose Brooks over her. Not in a million years. But if I could help repair things between the two of them so there wasn’t always a war going on, of course I wanted to take that route. I didn’t even catch the fact that Astrid wanted reassurance more than anything else. She wasn’t asking for allegiance or a blood pact, she was asking for someone to take her side in all of this.
And I needed to show her that I stood by her, one hundred percent.
I knew that if I chose her over Brooks, however, that it would end my friendship with him for good. If things came down to that choice, then I’d make it. Astrid was certainly worth it. But I didn’t want to have to make that decision. It shouldn’t have been an issue or problem any of us were faced with. We were all family, and blood or no blood didn’t matter.
And families worked shit out.
I’ll do anything to be with her.
My phone rang and I rushed to it. I figured it was Astrid finally calling me back after settling down. But when I saw Brooks’ number scrolling across my phone, I froze. What did he want? Was he calling to bitch me out some more? Because I wasn’t in the fucking mood to hear his asinine fuckery. There weren’t enough curse words in the English language to explain how much I dreaded the idea of picking up that phone call.
However, nothing would get solved if someone didn’t start talking.
“Hey man,” I said as I answered the phone.
Brooks didn’t say anything for a second and I thought maybe it was a bad connection. But then he drew in a deep breath.
“Go on,” Raven whispered in the background.
Bless that woman. “Brooks?”
He sighed. “Dude, what the fuck?”
I chuckled. “Look, how you found out about that was not okay. In fact, it was more than not okay. And I’ve got no fucking idea how Chops knew about it. It literally only happened once, and it happened the first night Astrid was back. That’s it.”
“That’s really it?”
“Yeah, man. Seriously. I can take it step by step if you want.”
He snickered. “Ew, no thank you on those details. But I believe you.”
“Listen, you shouldn’t have found out that way. And I had every plan to come and tell you myself once I worked up the nerve to tell you that I wanted to take your sister out on a formal date. But things fell apart today and Chops really showed his hand. He’s clocking our every move, and you know he’s doing it with those Black Dildos.”
“Yeah, I know. I’ve already contacted Archer and Cole to fill them in on that. They’re taking care of it so we can hash this out.”
I eased myself onto the couch. “Astrid ended things with me.”
“Ah.”
“But I’m going to get her back. At least, I’m going to try.”
He growled, but his words were calm. “Out of all the women on this planet, why her?”
I shrugged. “Why Raven?”
He was silent for a long time before… “That’s what she said, too.”
“Exactly. It’s hard being on that high horse when you’re with who you’re with. But I don’t want to fight anymore. I just want to win Astrid back. I—I love her, Brooks. Deep in my soul, I love her.”
He drew in a long breath. “Porter, I’m still pissed. Very, very pissed. I don’t know how to feel about any of this shit or how to go about being okay with it.”
“But…?”
He groaned. “But… I hear the love you have for her in your voice. I saw it when you stepped up to her side. Takes a big ass man to do something like that, especially when going up against his best friend.”
I grinned. “Raven tell you that, too?”
Raven yelled from the background. “I told him a lot, thank you very much!”
I barked with laughter and even Brooks chuckled a bit.
“She’s a good woman,” I said.
“I know.”
“And so is your sister.”
He sighed. “I know that, too.”
“Then, why in the world don’t you treat her better, man? I mean, you shoved her to the ground.”
And to my surprise, he sniffled. “I can’t believe I put my hands on my little sister.”
I gave him some space to sniffle away his tears before I cleared my throat. “You know what I think, though?”
He cleared his throat in kind. “What’s that?”
“I think that Chops had way too much of a smirk on his face when I left to go after Astrid. I think he’s happy we’re all fighting, and I think we should at least keep up the facade that we still are.”
He paused. “I think you’re right on that one. Let him keep thinking we’re fighting and at odds. It’ll make him feel like he’s got the upper hand—”
“—and that means he’s more likely to start getting sloppy.”
He sighed. “You’re a manipulative bastard, you know that?”
I chuckled. “Not like Finn. Finn could psychologically break down gods if you let him.”
“But trust me when I tell you that if I ever find out you’re hurting or manipulating my sister in any way, I’ll gladly to back to prison for murder.”
A car pulled up in the driveway. “I think she’s back.”
“Did you hear me?”
I nodded. “Yes, I heard you. And I promise you I’m never going to hurt her.”
“None of us are done talking about this. But I’m good with keeping some distance until cooler heads prevail.”
“And until then, I keep guarding your sister?”
Her footsteps came up to the porch as Brooks groaned.
“Yeah, yeah. You can keep protecting her,” he said. “But don’t get distracted. Don’t let her distract you from what’s happening around us.”
Good enough for me. “Trust me, if anything, keeping her safe from all that bullshit will keep me focused.”
“Anyway, we’ll talk more later.”
I nodded. “Talk soon, man. And thanks.”
He scoffed. “Don’t thank me yet.”
I smirked as I hung up the phone, and the second the door opened, I braced myself for her beauty. Only, Astrid wasn’t the one that came through the doorway.
“Josie?” I asked.
She eyed me up and down. “Wow, Porter. You grew up.”
I peered out the window. “Where’s Astrid?”
“She wanted me to come over and tell you that she’s going to be hanging out with me tonight. She’ll come by your place in the morning, but she doesn’t know where you live so she sent me to retrieve your address.”
I blinked. “She sent you to retrieve it.”
“Yep.”
“Because she doesn’t want to see me?”
She sighed. “Because she’s still angry. And I told her that until she could calm down, talking isn’t going to solve anything.”
My heart sank to my toes. “Yeah, hand me your phone. I’ll give you my info.”
And after typing my number as well as my address into her phone, I told her to lock the door behind her and I headed back to my bike.
Before blazing a fiery trail home.
Everything happened in such a blur that I didn’t process it until the burn rushed down the back of my throat. I didn’t remember the ride home or storming through my door. I didn’t remember the knob of the door punching a hole into the wall, or my neighbors above me yelling at me to keep it down. I didn’t register anything until the staunch, powerful scent of booze wafted up my nostrils as I chugged it.
And chugged it.
And chugged it.
Until the bottle was empty the burn so great that I justified my tears of hurt as tears of pain.
“Oh, yeah. Missed ya, buddy,” I growled.
I tossed the empty beer can into the sink and gathered the rest of the alcohol out my fridge. I set seven cans of beer and two wine coolers on the counter before pulling out half a bottle of tequila, a full bottle of bourbon, and a barely-there bottle of scotch out of the freezer. I’d been fighting the craving and the need for so long, and I couldn’t do it anymore. I wasn’t sure if I’d ever get Astrid back. For all I knew, my friendship with Brooks would end over all of this. And if that was the case, I’d have to take a leave of absence from the crew just to screw my head back on straight.
Everything was fucked up, and I wanted to be, too.
Here we go.
I cranked open another beer and chugged. The foam poured over the edges of my mouth and ran down my throat, comforting me in the familiar warmth my gut had missed. I tore through all of them before cracking open the last of the scotch and shaking the bottle into my mouth. I uncorked the tequila and rummaged around for limes. But when I couldn’t find any, I decided to take the last of the orange juice I had, pour it into the tequila bottle, and shake.
Boom. Brunch.
But as I opened the bottle back up to start chugging, I paused. I peered into the clear bottle of old tequila and half-rancid orange juice before I held it over the sink. None of this tasted good. The beer smelled like piss and tasted like lake water. The scotch itself resembled acid more than anything else. And the smell of the tequila physically made me queasy.
“Not worth it,” I murmured.
I poured it down the drain before reaching for the bourbon. I opened it up and watched the brown liquid glug itself down the drain before I turned on the water. I gathered up all of the cans and bottles into a plastic bag before I rummaged around my pantry, finding more booze shoved into the darkest corners of my apartment.
I poured them all down the sink and stuffed the plastic bag full of the empty containers.
Then, with the water still running, I walked the bag of trash out to the dumper.
“Porter? What are you doing?” Astrid asked.
And at the sound of her voice as I closed my front door, I whipped my eyes up and found her standing in front of me.
With her nostrils flaring as she sniffed the air.
