SAZUKI
I awaken to an empty bed. The sun taunts me, dancing over the space where Dejonae should be.
I am a private man to my blood.
Yet, it bothers me to find myself alone.
Rolling to a sitting position, I glance at the open door leading into the hallway. I have a faint recollection of Dejonae slipping out of my arms, claiming she needed to use the bathroom.
Has she not returned yet?
I run a hand through my hair and imagine Dejonae skipping through her morning routine, trying to pretty herself up for me.
Unnecessary.
I have not met a more beautiful woman than her.
“Dejonae,” I call, hoping she appears.
She does not.
I contemplate my next move with an air of disbelief. How did I stray so far off the path? How did she consume me to the point of insanity? I did not set out to fall in love with anyone. Especially not a woman who, on the surface, is my opposite in every way.
Yet here I am, waiting, head turned to the door like a dog restless before his owner comes home.
Enough.
I should find Dejonae and make her breakfast.
She must be sore and hungry.
I find my trousers on the floor. Zipping up my pants, I swipe my phone from the nightstand.
There is a message from Niko.
Where are you, dad?
The text forces me to remember my duties. I am not just a man, but also a father. It is time to return home.
My eyes skate around the room.
I skip over Dejonae’s panties. Her jeans. Her bra.
Where is my shirt?
The front door opens.
I glance up in surprise. Did Dejonae leave while I was asleep?
I hurry to the living room. Dejonae has her back turned as she closes the door. She is wearing my shirt.
The sight of her in my clothing bewitches me. If I had the time, I would invade her again, run my hands through her frizzy hair and discover what she tastes like in the morning.
But the thought is quickly cast aside when she faces me, looking scattered and dazed. The expression sets me on edge instantly.
“Is something wrong?”
She jolts at the sound of my voice. Her eyes are strained. “You’re up?”
I draw closer to her. “I was preparing to leave, but I will need my shirt.”
She nods absently and walks past me. “I’ll change.”
The bathroom door opens and closes softly.
I frown at the heavy silence.
The air seems cold, bereft.
Is Dejonae feeling shy after the night we spent together? Or is it something more?
“Here.” She appears in front of me and holds out my shirt.
I wrap my arms around her instead. Holding her close, I breathe in the scent of us, a musky essence baked into her skin and hair.
My heart senses that something is off.
But perhaps now is not the best time to pry it out of her. I am worried about Niko and conscious of the time. My duties for the day are demanding my attention. I have a meeting with the president of the local school for the deaf. I need to prepare for an inspection of the MTBs that are set to arrive soon.
Even knowing that I must leave, I cannot let her go.
Dejonae’s arms remain lax at her sides. She does not hug me back.
I kiss her on the forehead. Once. Twice.
Reluctantly, I pull away and walk to the door though every molecule in my body wishes to stay.
Unacceptable.
I will have to marry her soon so that there is no need to part in the morning.
“I met Ashanti downstairs,” Dejonae says abruptly.
A sense of doom rattles through me.
This conversation will not end well.
I look into Dejonae’s wide, pretty brown eyes and all I can think about is how to defend myself.
“She wants to get back together with you.” Something flickers in her expression. “Did you know that?”
I hesitate. “I did.”
“You did.” Her eyes narrow.
The silence fills the space between us, creating a gulf that I am desperate to scale.
“Why did you go down to meet her alone?”
“She asked to see me.”
“You should have told me.”
“That’s not really the issue, Sazuki,” she snaps.
My shoulders tense on impact.
I stare at her.
“She told me she’d gotten divorced.” Dejonae’s eyes lift to mine. Fury whips through her gaze. “That you already knew about it.”
“I did know.”
“And you kept it to yourself?” she accuses.
“It is not important.”
“Not important?” Her voice rises. “Your ex-wife is leaving her husband. She came here to declare ownership over you and you thought that wasn’t worth a mention?”
“Ashanti is simply confused.”
“So now you’re taking up for her?”
“Dejonae.” My voice bristles with impatience.
“You didn’t want to tell me that night when you found out she was coming to the city. You hid the fact that you’d been having breakfast with her in the mornings. And now you hide that she’s getting divorced.”
“My mother was the one who invited her to breakfast and that was weeks ago. Why are you bringing it up now?”
“Just because I didn’t mention it doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt,” she spits.
I blink in shock. “Dejonae, do not let her get into your head. I am not interested in going back to Ashanti. I told her that very clearly the last time we spoke.”
“How are you so sure you don’t want her back?”
“You should know the answer to that question better than anyone.”
“That’s not a straight answer, Sazuki.”
My fingers curl into fists. I have done everything I can to assure Dejonae of my intentions. Why would she allow Ashanti to poison her mind?
Dejonae marches forward. “Ashanti plans to stay in the city. She wants to start over with you. She’s pursuing you like a dog with a bone. How can either of us know what’s going to happen in the future?”
My face goes blank. Perhaps the only option here is to let her fume.
She shakes her head. “More importantly, how can we work through this awkward, tangled mess if you keep holding everything close to the chest and leaving me to be the last to find out!”
My phone vibrates in my pocket.
It must be Niko.
“Do you know how humiliating that is for me? I’m dating you, but I know less about your life than she does!”
“There is no need to yell,” I grind out.
Her eyes bug. “Is that all you can say to me? Did you not hear a word I just said?”
“Dejonae,” my chest heaves on a sigh, “this is not the best time.” I check my watch. “I need to leave, and you need time to cool off. We will discuss it later.”
“No.” Her expression turns stony.
My heart stops beating. “What do you mean ‘no’?”
“I don’t want to talk to you anymore.”
My lips tighten. “Do not say things you don’t mean.”
“Do I look like I’m kidding?” She blasts me with an angry scowl.
“Be mature about this.”
“So now I’m being immature? Me? I’m the one who’s been open with you. I could have hid the fact that Ashanti and I met, but I told you immediately. I’ve been smiling and holding myself back because she’s Niko’s mother. She was someone you used to love. Now you dare to look at me and call me immature?”
“This matter is simple, Dejonae. I want you. I have wanted you from the start. But Ashanti is Niko’s mother. I cannot simply erase her from my life. She will always be a part of it. This is something you will have to get used to.”
Her eyelashes flutter. A look of utter betrayal crosses her face. “You’re telling me to shut up and be the nice little mistress, is that it? No matter what, I will always be less important to you.”
“That is not what I said. Why are you twisting my words?” Heat flushes my neck and the tips of my ears.
Her eyebrows hunker low over her stormy brown eyes. She tightens her mouth, looking off into the distance.
In a calmer voice, she says, “Knowing that, expecting that your ex will always be hovering around you with plenty of opportunities to make your heart waver, we should have been stronger. We should have been a unit. But we’re not. We have two different ways of communicating and it’s not working for me.”
“What does that mean?” Pure panic tears at my throat.
Her eyes dart to the floor. “Let’s just take some time to think.”
“Think about what?” Desperation makes my voice rise. “I do not need to think. I am certain of what I want.”
Her eyes get hazy. “But I’m not.”
My chest knots tightly.
“Sazuki, I don’t want to be hurt again.”
My phone starts vibrating in my pocket. I ignore it.
“What do you want, Dejonae?”
“I want you to be certain of what you want.”
“I am. How else should I express that to you?”
“I don’t know.”
Her answer rips a groan of frustration from my lips. “I am doing my best. I can’t change that she is Niko’s mother. I can’t change that she lives here in the city. I can’t erase my past. What do you want from me?”
“Like I said, let’s take a pause and try to figure that out.”
“Dejonae…”
“Your phone has been ringing for a while. Niko is probably waiting.” Her expression is resigned. “Go.”
It is my first time getting kicked out of anywhere.
I linger, unsure if it is pride or panic that keeps me in place.
“Leave,” Dejonae hurls at me in a broken voice, “now.”
When I walk away from her apartment, it feels as though I am getting buried alive.
With our relationship in limbo, my mood sours.
At work, I lack patience.
At home, I retreat into my shell.
The foundation is my own personal hell. It is where I am forced to see Dejonae every day. To look at her dark skin, her quiet frowns, her pensive brows and not touch her.
Every time I see her, it scrapes salt in the wound.
But her behavior toward me remains civil and detached.
Is she so unaffected by the distance?
It bothers me to think that I am the shaken one. I am determined not to give in first. Instead, I satisfy myself with watching her from afar like a crazed stalker, peering at her through the blinds in my office, calling more and more meetings and making random visits to the music rooms under the guise of checking on the students.
I pin my hands behind my back and stride through the brightly-lit hallway. The sound of a piano draws me nearer.
Miss Cottingham is sitting on a piano bench next to a small child. The MTB is hooked around the child’s head and wrapped around his back. He picks through the music scale and smiles when he is rewarded with applause.
Miss Cottingham notices me standing there and she jerks forward. “Mr. Sazuki.”
I motion for her to be seated.
Continuing down the hallway, I stop in front of Dejonae’s door and take a deep breath before I open it.
She is standing next to a piano, wearing her signature T-shirt and jeans. Her curls are pulled back into a small ponytail, exposing the finer details of her face. Gloss shimmers on her lips, filling me with a raging urge that threatens to eat me alive.
I remember when that mouth softened under mine. I remember grazing her soft, perfect lips with gentle bites and slow, torturous thrusts of my tongue—
Enough, Sazuki. Or you will not be able to keep your distance.
Dejonae’s fingers tap out a rhythm as her student plays hesitantly. The child stops and slumps her shoulders.
“You’re doing great,” Dejonae signs. “Let’s try it again. Slowly.”
The music starts once more.
I thirstily trace the slope of her eyebrows, the curls falling against her dark cheeks and the shape of her temptingly lush mouth.
Our last night together was unexpected but satisfying. Heated. The kind of collision that should have marked a new wave of happiness.
She was mine for such a short time. Or maybe the separation feels far too long. An eternity.
Her eyes are drawn to mine. When she sees me, her expression tightens.
“Can I help you?” Dejonae signs.
I shake my head.
She juts her chin down once and faces her student again, giving me her back. I feel the rejection like a gunshot to the chest.
But my pride rears its ugly head, refusing to back down.
Dejonae’s eyes no longer glitter at me. Her sweet, light laughter no longer fills my ears. Our relationship is broken. The longer we pause, the more irreparable it becomes.
All I have left is my position as her boss.
I cannot jeopardize that lone connection.
I retreat and make my way to the rest of the music rooms. After my inspection, I pass Dejonae’s door a second time, but she is not there.
“She left early,” a voice says.
My muscles tense. “Jordan.”
“She said she wasn’t feeling well.”
My eyes widen. Is she sick? Does she need to go to the hospital?
“She looked fine,” Jordan says. “I don’t think it was that serious.”
I scowl at him. I do not want to receive these updates from her ex.
When I turn to walk away, Jordan stops me with a hand on my shoulder. Stunned, I glance down at where his pale fingers are wrapped around my suit jacket.
“Remove your hand if you do not want to lose it,” I growl.
He pries his fingers off one by one. “I know you and Dejonae are dating.”
I give him a warning look.
“Most of the office has no idea, but I was with Dejonae for a long time. She’s always tough and determined, but it’s obvious when she likes someone. She gets soft with them. She can’t hide it.”
I face him fully. Tilting my chin up, I snarl, “What is your point?”
“Dejonae was talking to someone in the office before she suddenly declared that she wasn’t feeling well. Lady’s tall, long black hair, pretty. Says she’s your ex-wife.”
Frustration tugs on my heart so sharply that my entire body jolts with it. “How long ago?”
“About five minutes.”
Jordan blocks me when I try to sprint away.
“Look, Mr. Sazuki, I haven’t said anything to you or to Deej about your relationship. I lost to you. I accepted that the moment I saw Dejonae smiling at you during that last meeting. I thought you made her happy and I was willing to keep fading into the background so that smile would stay on her face. But now?” He shakes his head slowly. “You’re hurting her the same way I did. Deej doesn’t deserve that.”
“Who are you to lecture me?” I fume.
“I’m the guy who couldn’t let her go but couldn’t choose her either. I messed her up. I know that. I’m an idiot for letting her get away. But I’ll be damned if I sit back and watch someone break her heart the same way. Twice. Deej deserves better than both of us.”
“You have no idea what you are talking about.” I push him out of my way and rush outside. The sun is blinding. Pedestrians stalk past, determined to get to their next destination. A car honks as it speeds by.
I do not see Dejonae anywhere.
Running past the foundation, I turn the curve and keep looking for her.
She is nowhere to be found.
With shaking hands, I call her.
The number goes straight to voicemail.
Gripping the phone tightly, I return to the foundation and take the elevator. The man slumping in the reflection of metal and stainless steel does not look like me. My hair is a mess from how often I’ve scrubbed my hands through it. My shirt is peppered with sweat. My eyes hold a sheen of panic.
What did Ashanti say to make Dejonae retreat? Why can’t my ex-wife stay out of my personal life?
I storm into my office and find Ashanti sitting in the wingback chairs facing my desk. She rises slowly, a bright smile on her face.
“What are you doing here?” I huff, marching past her.
“You’ve really done it.” Her eyes jump around my office. “The foundation you’d been talking about for years is finally here. And it’s impressive. Who was your architect? That lobby is just… amazing.”
“Ashanti,” I growl.
“Did I come at a bad time?”
“If this is not about Niko, then I don’t want to hear it.”
“It is about Niko.” Ashanti smoothes her dress. “She wants to know why Dejonae isn’t coming around anymore.”
I freeze. My eyes slowly swerve to my ex-wife. “She discussed that with you?”
“Well, she certainly can’t discuss it with you.” Ashanti gestures to my face. “What with you wearing that ‘I hate everyone’ scowl all the time. Niko is a very sensitive girl, Ryo. She knows there’s something going on.”
Because of you.
I want to blame her, but I can’t get the accusation to stick. The problems Dejonae and I have would have sprung up eventually.
But if it hadn’t been for Ashanti’s interference, would the consequences have been so severe?
I round the desk and fall into my chair. “Dejonae and I are fine.”
“That’s not what she told me downstairs.”
My fingers tense.
“We had a lovely chat,” Ashanti throws one leg over the other and rests her elbow against it. “She went out of her way to assure me that you two were no longer together.”
“She said that?”
“Not in so many words, but a woman knows.”
My nostrils flare. “I will speak to Niko.”
“And tell her what?” Ashanti shakes her head. “There’s no need to confuse her, Ryo. See, this is why I didn’t bring Rob around her too often. Relationships are so fragile. I didn’t want her to get attached to people who would drop her after a break up.” Ashanti leans back and dusts her hands. “I already told her that Dejonae won’t be a part of her life anymore.”
“Why would you say that?” My voice lashes out like a whip. “You had no right to do that.”
She visibly startles and then licks her lips. “That is best for her.”
“Ashanti,” I rise to my full height, “I have put in effort to be respectful of you. And you are right, the best case scenario would have been for us to stay together and be a family for Niko. But we chose a different path. It is too late to turn back now. Niko will still have two parents who love her, even if they are not together.”
“If you know us being together is the best scenario, then why don’t we try again, Ryo?” She jumps to her feet and stalks toward the desk. Placing her fist on the surface, she leans forward. “How do we know that it’s truly over for us, if we don’t at least attempt to repair what was broken? Imagine how happy Niko would be to have her mom and dad back together again? Shouldn’t we at least try for her sake?”
I clench my jaw, staring her down.
Ashanti takes my silence for agreement and smiles. She wraps dark fingers around her purse. “Call me when you’re ready to talk. I’m willing to try couple’s therapy, talking with your mom, whatever. As parents, we should do everything we can for Niko’s sake.”
When she is gone, I slump in my chair, staring at the ceiling and turning her request over in my head.
Did Dejonae really agree to the idea of me and Ashanti getting back together?
I thought we were on a break.
But if she thinks like that then…
It means we are truly over.
Akira opens the car door for me and steps aside. “Miss Williams is not with you again today.”
“She requested her vacation time. I granted it.”
“Interns do not have vacation time,” Akira points out.
I remain silent.
She closes the door and drives to Niko’s school.
It has been several days since my last conversation with Ashanti. She has not mentioned getting back together again explicitly, but she mentions the marriage therapy books she’s read and the therapists she has been researching.
It makes every meeting strained and frustrating for me.
Akira clears her throat. “Did you eat today?”
I flip my tablet open and focus on my work.
“I saw the lunch I brought you in the trash yesterday.” Her concerned eyes bore into me through the rear-view mirror. “You cannot keep skipping meals. You look as though you are wasting away.”
I do not respond.
“Even your mother says you look pale.”
“How would she know?” I swipe across the tablet.
“On your last video call, your cheeks were gaunt. She is thinking of flying back to America just to feed you.”
I glance up. “Tell her not to waste her time. I am fine.”
“Why do you lie, Ryotaro?”
“What would you have me say, Akira?” I fire back.
She keeps her mouth shut.
I sigh heavily and stare at the passing buildings. Should I curl into a ball and cry? Beg for Dejonae to come back to me when she does not trust me? Throw my responsibilities to my daughter away for my own happiness?
As long as Ashanti is in my life, Dejonae will never be at peace.
And as long as Niko is alive, I will always be connected to Ashanti.
We are at a stalemate.
There is nothing more I can do except work.
Unfortunately, Dejonae’s absence has left a sinking crater where my passion for work should be.
The car slows in front of the middle school. Niko is sitting on a bench along with Beth, Bailey and Micheal. The children look rather subdued, despite all the colorful banners behind them advertising tonight’s talent show.
Beth rubs Niko on the back. She says something to my daughter before they hug. Niko strides to the car. I help her get settled in and fix her seatbelt.
She stops me with a hand to my wrist. Her eyes hold a hint of anger.
“I can do it,” she signs.
Stunned, I ease back and attach my own seatbelt.
Akira meets my eyes.
I arch an eyebrow in question.
She shrugs and shakes her head.
“Niko,” I turn to her, “are you nervous about the show tonight?”
She shakes her head ‘no’.
I set my tablet aside. “Will your friends be performing too?”
“Beth is going to change a tire.”
“Oh, that’s… well, that’s something.” I clear my throat. As expected for the daughter of Dawn Stinton. “What of the boys?”
She shrugs.
I tap my finger on my leg. Niko turns away from me, her eyes on the city passing by. I do not understand her attitude. We were fine before I sent her to sleep over at her mother’s apartment.
“Is it hard on you?” I sign.
She sees me gesturing in the reflection of the window and faces me.
I repeat the gesture so she can see it.
Her brows furrow. She turns up her hands and moves them back and forth. “What?’
“Moving between your mom’s house and mine all the time, is it tiring?”
For a long time, Niko had been with her mother while I flew back and forth from Japan to see her. Then, after Ashanti’s remarriage, Niko came to stay with me in Japan before we both relocated to America permanently. She did not have to live in two different houses so often.
“It must be difficult to get used to,” I say.
“No,” she signs.
Then she returns her attention to the window.
I failed to engage her.
Again.
Akira drops us off at our home. Niko bows to Akira and then shoots out of the car. I watch her backpack bounce before she disappears inside.
“She seems upset,” Akira notes.
“Do you think she is nervous about performing tonight? It is her first time playing the piano in front of others at her school. She has finally made friends and spends more time interacting with them than locking herself in her room reading mangas. Perhaps she is afraid she might lose them if she does not do well.”
“This sounds viable,” Akira agrees.
I leave an envelope on the passenger side. “The ticket you requested.”
“I will need twenty more. The men from the security company would like to attend as well.”
“Tell them I only received three tickets. The school will not have enough space for them all. But we will take a video of her.”
“I will tell them.” She dips her chin.
My vision is blurry when I climb out of the car. I push past the wave of dizziness. Perhaps I should heed Akira’s warning and eat something even if I am not hungry.
After making a sandwich for both myself and Niko, I take the food into her room. Niko is sitting on her bed, her attention on her tablet. The frustrated look returns to her eyes when she sees me.
“I brought a snack,” I say, lifting the plate.
She gestures, “I’m not hungry.”
“Niko,” I set both plates on the dresser, “is something wrong? Did something happen at school today?”
She shakes her head.
“Did something happen at your mother’s house yesterday?”
She frowns.
A slow realization dawns. “Is this because your mother spoke to you about Dejonae?”
Niko folds her little legs beneath her and stares at me. Her mouth moves while she signs, “Why is Dejonae not coming over anymore?”
“Because…” I glance around, at a loss for words, “she is busy.”
“Mom said you and Dejonae aren’t speaking.”
My jaw clenches. Why would Ashanti tell Niko that? Even if it is true, it is not her place to inform my daughter of my relationship troubles.
I reach out and smooth a hand over her shoulder. “Niko…”
“Why did you fight with her?” She gestures roughly.
“It is an adult matter. You don’t need to worry about it.”
Her hands sail through the air. “I want to see Dejonae. I want her there tonight. She helped me practice. I promised her that I would give her a ticket.”
“Even if we get a ticket to her, I don’t know if she will want to come,” I say honestly.
Niko’s eyes fill with tears. “You don’t want me to be happy. You are always trying to get rid of my moms.”
Her words cut me off at the knees.
Sharp knives burrow straight into my chest.
My daughter flings herself into bed, hiding her face from me as she cries.
My heart breaks.
I let my hand hover over Niko’s back. And then I pull her gently by the shoulders and give her a hug.
Niko’s tears soak my shirt. Her sobs are low and mournful.
It is almost painful to hear.
“I will fix it,” I promise her. “I will get Dejonae there.”
She looks up to read my lips.
A small, hopeful smile blooms.
I squeeze her back to me.
I was wrong to think that I was the only one being affected by Dejonae’s absence. As desperately as I was falling for her, my daughter was falling too.
