I STRETCH my arms and legs out, relishing the softness of my bed. I’ve been awake for a while now, but I haven’t wanted to move. She hasn’t left my mind for even a second since I dropped her off last night.
She was sleeping here. Right where I am.
I can’t seem to stop thinking about the fact that she could be sleeping here now. If I had agreed two days ago, her head could’ve been resting on the pillow next to mine.
No. She wouldn’t be on the pillow next to mine, because I’d have her in my arms. I’d be able to touch her as much as I want. I wouldn’t have to hold myself back like I did last night, periodically peeking in the room, telling myself I was checking on her but really just wanting to look at her while she slept in my bed.
She’d be mine. I’d have just fucked her, and every curve of her body would already be familiar to me.
Oh, fuck.
I’m going to do it.
Somehow, all of my reservations disappeared during the night. I know they’re there deep down, prickling at the back of my consciousness, but I hardly even feel their effects anymore. Euphoria is drowning out all of my anxiety.
In three days, I’ll have her.
A soft knock sounds on my front door, and a prickle of foreboding punctures through my elation.
That was my mom’s knock, and she never disturbs me in the morning after I’ve been out with my friends. Not this early.
When I open the door, her expression is grim. She looks over my shoulder into my living room.
“Do you have a lady friend over?”
“No.” I frown. “Why, what’s up?”
“I just wanted you to know I’m heading out for an overnight trip with Maddy and Mason. We’re going to the Tahoe cabin. It’ll just be you and your dad here.”
“Okay. That’s fine—”
“I didn’t plan it. I decided this morning. Your dad shattered the living room window last night.
The big one over the couch.”
I stare at her dumbly. “What happened?”
My apprehension grows when she slips past me and walks inside the guesthouse instead of answering. After sitting down on the couch, she stares at me steadily. “He was drinking last night and threw something at it.”
A shiver rolls down my back. “What the fuck? Why would he do that?”
She exhales heavily. “He told me he’s scheduled an appointment with a marriage counselor. He practically ordered me to go with him, but I told him I won’t. It’s too late for that—for me, at least. I was actually sort of proud of myself, because I usually have a hard time standing my ground with him.
But then—” her voice grows hushed, “—he started crying. Sobbing is probably a better description. I couldn’t believe it. I haven’t seen your dad cry since your grandpa passed away, and it was nothing like this…” She looks away from me. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be telling you this. I was just so surprised.”
“Me too,” I say absently, my head swimming.
Why would he be so upset? He had to know this day was coming.
“Anyway.” She stands up from the couch. “I have to get Maddy and Mason out of here. They were so confused last night when the alarm went off. I haven’t told them about the divorce yet, but I think they sense that something is wrong, and I have a feeling that if your dad is upset enough to throw a candle at the window, he’s not going—”
“He threw a candle at the window?”
She nods slowly. “I found it when I was cleaning up the glass.”
“That glass is like two inches thick. He was able to shatter the whole thing with a candle?”
“It was one of the jar candles from my knitting room.”
What the fuck was he doing in her knitting room? It’s her sanctuary. I even feel like I have to talk quietly when I’m in there, and I only ever disturb her there when I absolutely need something. I haven’t seen my dad in there in years.
“Don’t look so skeptical.” My mom smiles faintly. “His fastball was even better than yours at one time.”
His fastball. Oh God. I don’t want to think about baseball and my dad. It used to be such a big part of my life. Our father-son trips to Arizona for the Dodger’s spring training were some of the happiest memories of my childhood. Glendale, with its bluish sunlight and unnaturally warm air, was like a strange desert planet compared to Santa Barbara. My dad and I would go to that outdoor German brat house in Scottsdale after the games. He would sneak me sips of his spicy beer when the servers weren’t looking, and I would pretend like it wasn’t disgusting. We would talk for hours. Not about anything earth-shattering—mostly just baseball. But that time with him was everything to me.
Somehow, those memories are still bright and warm. Somehow, catching him with that woman didn’t cast a pall over those moments, only everything else.
Inexplicably, mist rises to my eyes, and my chest starts to ache. I’m gripped with a powerful longing for the life I had before, when I thought my dad was a different person. When I thought my parents had a different marriage.
I lived in a dream world of my own making. The signs were there. I was just too self-absorbed to see them. My dad and mom hardly talked to each other, and there was a sadness to my mom during quiet moments.
Her smile fades. “Sorry. I know there’s nothing funny about this.”
“No, Mom, it’s okay. I’m just…processing it all.” I frown. “What was he doing with a candle from your knitting room?”
“I don’t know.” She sounds as perplexed as I am. “He went in there after our argument about the marriage counselor. He was acting very strange, but I guess it’s understandable. Divorce is really hard, even for people in unhealthy marriages. He’s still not awake, and you know your dad never sleeps in. He must have been very drunk last night. I’m not sure if he even knows he broke the window. He wasn’t there by the time I made it downstairs. He passed out in one of the guest rooms, and I didn’t feel like confronting him.” She shakes her head. “The glass was everywhere. All over the couch and the floor and the back patio.”
God, he’s a piece of shit. Breaking a window in the middle of the night and leaving my mom to clean up the mess. What a perfect metaphor for their marriage.
“Honey, I know all of this must be hard for you, even at your age.”
“I’m fine, Mom.”
She gives me a wary look. “Cole, you can talk to me. I know it’s uncomfortable, but you can. It’s not going to hurt me.”
“There’s nothing to talk about. You already…know everything. At least the important part—that he’s a cheater.”
“I don’t want to talk about the things he’s done. I mean we can talk about how you feel.”
I avert my gaze from hers. She’s done this a few times before, prompted me to share my feelings with her. How could she think I’d be that selfish and vent to her about my daddy issues when she’s the one most affected by his behavior?
“Every time I ask you how you’re feeling, you get so closed off. You say you’re fine, but I can see that you’re not. You were different after that trip to Arizona. Whatever you saw must have…” She shakes her head. “I wish I had gotten you counseling. I wish I had just made you go.”
“There was no way you could have made me, and he’s not worth counseling.”
She purses her lips primly, looking like she wants to roll her eyes. “I think the point is that you’re worth counseling. But what I’m trying to say is that I’m okay. You can talk to me. I’m not going to crumble. My priority is you and your brother and sister. If you ever want to talk, I’m here.”
She walks toward the door. After setting her hand on the knob, she turns to me. “I think you need to stay out of your dad’s way this weekend. No matter how angry you are with him, it’ll be hard for you to see him the way he is right now. He’s not himself.”
I wave a hand. “I’ll be fine.”
She sighs. “It would mean a lot to me if you promise to stay out of his way. Maybe get out of the house today. Go for a hike.”
“If it’ll make you feel better, I will.”
She smiles warmly before walking out the door. As soon as the sound of her footsteps fade, I leap up from the couch, running frantic hands through my hair as I head into my bedroom.
I need Livvy. She’ll be able to make sense of all this. After I make it to my bedside table and grab my phone, my hand freezes.
Fuck.
I’m not supposed to see her for three days. By my own request.
I pull up Zac’s name instead, and he picks up on the first ring. “If you’re calling instead of texting, something is wrong. What happened?”
I sigh heavily. “It’s a long story, and I don’t feel like going into it right now, but it involves my cheating asshole dad. As usual.”
“Aww shit, dude. Is your mom okay?”
“I don’t know. It’s always hard for me to tell with her, but my dad is not doing okay, which is…
weird.”
“Aww man, I’m sorry. Do you want to come hang out?”
“Yeah, I need to get out of my house. Any chance you want to go for a hike?”
“Um…” He laughs softly. “I mean, I’m hungover as fuck, so no, but I will if you really want me to.”
“Yes, I do. Get your lazy ass out of bed. I’ll bring weed for your hangover.”
“Well, in that case… Actually, why don’t we invite Mari and Livvy? Livvy told me she wants to try weed for the first time.”
I grit my teeth. “I can’t invite Livvy. We have some…stuff we’re trying to figure out right now.
With our friendship.”
“Yeah, Mari told me what she asked you to do.”
I roll my eyes. “Of course she did.”
“Why is this even an issue? I thought you’d jump at the opportunity. You’re obviously obsessed with her. You can’t bullshit me about this. I know you.”
I grit my teeth, not wanting to get into it with him. “My relationship with her is complicated.”
“If you say it is. Well, if you aren’t going to do it, Travis is trying to make a move. He told me he’s going to ask her to go to his parents’ church with him tomorrow.”
Heat breaks out over my skin. “What the fuck?”
“Calm down.” He sounds like he’s repressing laughter. “It’s the only in he has with her, and it’s a pretty low move. I’m not sure if God exists, but if he does, I think he’ll probably strike people down for using church to get pussy. Isn’t that blasphemy?”
My skin tingles when a memory surfaces. The shrill sound of that pastor’s voice on Sunday mornings when I was hungover. The itching urge to get out of that dim auditorium and back into the sunlight. For a year, I went to church for kind of the same reason.
“Why do you act like this if you don’t want her?” he asks. “You can’t do it forever. Eventually, you’re going to have to either be with her or get out of the way.”
I shut my eyes tightly. “I don’t want to talk about this right now. I have too much going on in my life.”
He sighs. “Alright fine. I’ll see you in a bit. I want to fucking die right now, so don’t be mad if I lag on our hike.”
“Wait.”
I take a deep breath, unable to believe what I’m about to do, but the thought of her with another guy makes me want to burst out of my skin. Apparently, I’m so primitive that I can’t even take three days to make sure I’m not making the worst mistake of my life.
“Don’t worry about the hike,” I say in a rush. “I think I’m going to ask Livvy instead.”
He laughs. “Good choice.”
As soon as we hang up, I pull up her name and type out a text. An exultant wave washes over me after I press send, and my heart starts to pound like a drum.
In possibly a matter of hours, she’ll be mine.
