AS I MAKE my sluggish way into the kitchen, I catch sight of Vanessa sitting in the living room watching TV. She turns to me, and I brace myself for her judgment.
“Are you just now waking up?” Her voice is full of disbelief. “You really did get drunk, huh?”
As I stand on my toes to grab a mug from the cupboard, a sharp pain shoots into my head, making me wince. “Yes, and I don’t think I’ll do it again for a while. I feel like death.”
“I never thought you would get that drunk in the first place. I can’t believe you have a hangover.”
“I’m long overdue for it. I’ve been to plenty of parties as the designated driver. It was nice being able to actually have fun for a change.”
She stands up from the couch and walks into the kitchen. “Did it make you feel like a bold, adventurous woman?”
Her sarcasm makes me flinch. I might have been able to deal with it if I weren’t hungover, but my nerves are raw. I frown at her. “I know it’s hard for you that I’m changing, but I still expect you to respect my choices, even if you don’t understand them. You don’t think purity culture is toxic and want to save yourself for your husband, and on your wedding day—assuming your beliefs stay the same until then—I’m going to tell you how proud I am of you for sticking with your convictions. I trust you to do what’s right for you, and I need you to do the same for me, Ness. Even if you don’t like it. Even if it scares you.”
Her adorable little face scrunches inward, and she starts to cry. My heart clenches, and I rush over to her and wrap my arms around her shoulders. “Oh, honey, I didn’t mean to be so harsh.”
“I’m just tired.” She turns her head away from me, and a small smile rises to my lips even as my chest aches for her.
“Why are you upset?”
“I just want my old sister back.”
“I’m still your old sister. I haven’t changed all that much.”
“Yes, you have.” She jerks away from me. “You’re doing all kinds of things you never would have done even a few months ago. Cole is going to fall in love with you now that he can have sex with you, and you’re going to get married and become an atheist like him. You’re going to think I’m stupid and anti-intellectual for my beliefs, and you’ll never respect me again. I’ll never be able to talk about my life with anyone.”
I suck in my lips to fight a smile. Oh goodness, she’s so sweet. I would have felt the exact same way in her place—so scared and uncertain over something that really has nothing to do with me. “I will always be the old Livvy when it comes to you. You can always talk about your life with me, and I’ll never think you’re stupid or anti-intellectual. And there’s no way I’ll become an atheist. I love Jesus way too much.”
“I’m scared that isn’t true,” she says, her voice choked. “I’m scared you’re going to replace Jesus with Cole.”
I squeeze her shoulders. “Honey, Cole and I aren’t even together. He doesn’t even know if he wants to take my virginity. And even if he does, even if we get together, I won’t allow myself to make him my entire world. I don’t think it was healthy when I made Jesus my entire world. I have too many other things in my life I love to give all of myself to one person. You’re one of those things. How could you ever think I would sacrifice my relationship with you for a man?”
Her face is still averted from mine, and she lifts a hand to wipe tears from under her eyes. “I just don’t want you to look down on me.”
“I never will. How could I? I’d be a total hypocrite. At one time, I believed all the same things you do now, and I was much more self-righteous about it than you are. And besides that, I love you more than anything.”
Footsteps sound down the stairs, and she and I both look up. A few seconds later, my dad walks into the kitchen with a stern frown on his face. He looks at Vanessa. “I need to talk to your sister.”
“Dad,” I say, “we’re kind of having a moment right now.”
His eyes grow hard. “I need to talk to you.”
“I’m fine,” Vanessa says. “We can talk later.”
“No.” I shoot her a meaningful look. “I want you here.”
Understanding dawns in her eyes.
I look at my dad. “You may want to talk to me alone, but I want Vanessa here while you lecture me about getting drunk last night.”
He lets out a forceful breath. “She’s seventeen, and this conversation is not for her.”
“She’ll legally be an adult in a few weeks, and I need her support.”
He crosses his arms over his chest. “You need her support because you know you’re sinning.”
I raise my chin. “It’s not your place to police my faith.”
“Then I think you need to give your pastor a call. See what he says.”
“Since I’m currently without a pastor, I have no one to call. But this is exactly why I left First Covenant. I need a pastor with better boundaries. It’s not a pastor’s place to police my faith either.”
“You young people and your ‘boundaries’.” When he puts “boundaries” in air quotes, I almost laugh. “It’s been over six months now, and you haven’t found a new church. I wonder why that is, Livvy?”
“Dad, she’s taking her time,” Vanessa says. “She’s tried churches, but she wants to find one that feels like home.”
He huffs, shaking his head. “She only tries these woke churches. Churches that tell her she can do whatever she wants. You’re just looking for a way to sin and tell yourself that you aren’t. But you know.” His voice grows hushed. “You know what you’re doing.”
Goodness, he’s so melodramatic. “Dad, I’m not going to do this with you. I don’t need you to agree with me, but if you can’t even make an effort to understand where I’m coming from, we won’t be having these discussions. We’re done here.”
He shakes his head. “This isn’t the Livvy I know.”
His expression is grim and disappointed, and I hate that it makes my eyes prickle. I hate that I want to reach out and hug him and beg him to forgive me for betraying him.
“If you’re going to be living a life of a sin,” he says, “you need to start looking for your own place. I can’t have this in my home.”
I grit my teeth, willing the tears away. It’s not like it means anything. He’s not going to kick me out. My dad is all bluster and drama. The last time he made this threat was when he found out I watched an episode of Euphoria in our living room. He said, “That show is pornography, and pornography invites demons into the household.” It was almost laughable, but I still sobbed and begged for his forgiveness.
I guess I have made progress, even if my instinct to submit is still there.
As soon as walks out of the kitchen, I let the tears fall.
Vanessa wraps her arms around me. “He’s so fucking dramatic.”
I can’t help but giggle even as more tears fall. I love that she swears sometimes. I still have a hard time swearing. Maybe her future is more hopeful than mine.
“I know.”
“‘Living a life of sin’,” she quotes, mimicking my dad’s deep and slow cadence. “I hate it when he uses his pastor voice to call us out on things. It’s so manipulative.” She squeezes me tightly. “And he doesn’t really mean it. He doesn’t even like it when you drive at night. He would never kick you out.”
“I know.”
“Don’t cry.” Her tone is pleading.
“I’m okay, love. It’s just hard.”
“I know. I promise I won’t be an asshole anymore.”
“You’re not an asshole.” I wipe under my eyes with the pads of my fingers, “just a little bratty sometimes.”
When my phone buzzes, my gaze darts to the counter, and Cole’s name flashes on the screen. My stomach both sinks and flutters at the same time. When I swipe the screen, my breath catches.
Cole: I know I said we should take time to think, but I need to see you. I did a lot of thinking during the night, and I have an answer for you. Let’s go on a hike and talk.
“What?” Vanessa asks, and the sharpness in her tone tells me my shock must be all over my face.
Warmth washes through me, sending tingles everywhere. “I think Cole is going to say yes.”
