MY HEART STARTS to pound when I catch sight of Livvy’s gray Camry in my rearview mirror. I take a deep breath as she parallel parks a few cars behind me. She hops out of the car, and her curvy form in those tight workout clothes makes my stomach clench.
I’ll have my hands all over that body in a few hours.
I had every intention of saying no to her two days ago. I had every intention of putting our friendship above my own desires.
Sometimes defeat is blissful.
When she gets close to my car, I step outside. She smiles at me—a sweet smile that makes something twinge in my chest, but somehow, I can’t stop my gaze from grazing down her body. My God, those thick thighs and hips… That soft belly and those huge tits nearly bursting out of her shirt.
She has the body of a goddess.
I can’t believe I’ll actually be able to touch her.
“Are you okay?” she asks, her brow furrowing.
“Yeah, I’m fine.”
“What’s going on? I can tell just by looking at you that you have a lot on your mind.”
God, how does she do that? How does she always know when I’m upset? I wasn’t even thinking about the incident with my dad, but somehow, she always knows.
“It’s a long story, but basically, my parents are finally getting a divorce.”
“Oh, Cole,” she says, just like I knew she would. Just like I craved. “Do you want a hug, or do you need space?”
Space. As if I would ever really want that from her, even when I’d specifically asked for it.
I smile faintly. “A hug would be nice.”
She doesn’t waste a moment. Her footsteps patter over the gravel, and she wraps her arms around me and presses her soft body against mine. If she knew the direction of my thoughts, or how many times I’ve accepted her affection while fantasizing about pinning her against a wall and sinking into her warmth, she’d be terrified.
Or maybe she wouldn’t be. She surprised me last night.
“I’m so sorry.” Her words are muffled against my chest. “That’s so awful.”
“No, it’s not. It’s been a long time coming. I’m not going to let a divorce devastate me.”
“We usually don’t have a choice about what devastates us.”
My throat constricts. “Yeah, but I don’t want to be selfish. Having to start a new life is going to be so hard on my mom. I need to be there for her.”
“Cole.” Her voice is both gentle and scolding. “Your pain has nothing to do with your mom’s. If you want to be able to take care of her, you need to take care of yourself first.”
My fingers brush down her back. “You’re an angel.”
“Don’t call me an angel for saying what anyone who cares for you should say.” She burrows her head into my chest, and I relish it. God, touching her feels so good. Two days ago, I would have pushed her away by now, afraid that her proximity would make me feel things I shouldn’t. I can’t believe I’ve been missing this all these years.
I squeeze her once more before pulling away. There’s no need to indulge her touch too much.
There’s plenty of time for that.
I pull out the small plastic bag in my pocket. “I brought these for you. They’re weed truffles.”
Her brow knits as her gaze drops to the package. “I don’t know if right now is a good time for me to try weed. Not when you need me.”
I shake my head sharply. “Just being with you is enough.”
As she stares down at the package, her eyes widen. She looks as intrigued as a naughty little kid.
God, she’s so cute.
“I can’t believe it’s weed. They look like real truffles.”
I smile. “They’re good truffles, too. Not only are they delicious, but two of them barely made me high, which means one will be perfect for you.”
She bites her lip, looking lost in thought. It’s as if she’s trying to decide how naughty she wants to be. “Alright, hand one over.”
I pull out a truffle and set it in her hand. She smiles and pops it into her mouth, her eyes growing lazy as she chews.
Oh God, I’ve always loved watching her eat chocolate. How did I ever think I would be able to resist having sex with her when I’ve always been such a filthy bastard?
We start walking in the direction of the trail, and I lag a little behind so I can watch the adorable, bouncy sway of her hips and the slight jiggle of her ass in the tight yoga pants.
“So how are you doing?” she asks, peeking over her shoulder to glance back at me.
Thankful for the distraction from my horny thoughts, I catch up to her. “Really not that bad. I knew it was coming.”
“You sound like you’re trying to convince yourself more than me.”
When the trail widens, I step beside her. The afternoon sun is just above the hills, right in our line of sight. I reach into my pocket and pull out my sunglasses. “Probably. I don’t know… I always thought I wanted my dad to suffer for being such a colossally shitty husband, but now that he really is suffering…”
Livvy nods slowly, but she keeps her eyes fixed on the trail ahead. Her breathlessness draws my gaze to her chest, which is already rising and falling rapidly. I smile as I slow my pace. Every time I take her here, I walk too fast, forgetting how much smaller she is than me.
I’ll have to remember that tonight, so I don’t crush her.
God, I can’t believe this is all actually going to happen.
“Can we save this conversation for after the weed kicks in?” I ask. “Actually, would you mind if we just talked about you? You’re always my favorite distraction.”
A shy smile touches her lips. “Sure. What do you want to talk about?”
“How has it been with your family lately? Your parents are strict as hell. Do they have any idea about the changes you’re going through with your religion?”
“They know a little, but I’m not going to tell them everything. That’s what the old Livvy would do.
Now I know they aren’t entitled to any part of my life I’m not comfortable sharing.”
“You’re better than I would be. I wouldn’t tell them a damn thing if they were my parents.”
“Yeah. The problem is they try to use religion to control me, and they need to know it won’t work anymore. I actually just had to deal with it all this morning.” She rolls her eyes. “My dad says I’m living in sin.”
I grit my teeth, biting back my initial retort. Your dad is a prick, and I’ve been wanting to call him one to his face from the moment I met him. “I can’t imagine what that must be like.”
She huffs, shaking her head. “He even threatened to kick me out.”
My mouth drops open, and a raging heat washes over my skin. “That’s fucking ridiculous. You haven’t done anything wrong.”
“I know.” She sighs. “But it’s okay, because he won’t really do it.”
“Well, if he does, you know where you’re living.”
A sad smile tugs at her lips. “You don’t have room for me in your guesthouse.”
I would if you shared my bed.
Fuck, these thoughts are coming unbidden now that I’m so close to having her.
“I’m not staying in it much longer. I’ll be starting at Walker Industries next week, and my parents offered to give me an advance on my inheritance if I want to buy a house. I wasn’t planning on doing it since I’ll be making enough money soon enough, but if you need a place to live, I’ll just say fuck it and take the money.”
When she sucks in her lips to repress a smile, my cheeks warm. “I know, I know. I hear myself say these things sometimes, and even I’m like, ‘shut the fuck up, you rich prick.’”
“No. It’s amazing that you can buy a house.”
“If you need to live with me, I’ll take a big advance and get something you love. A house in West Beach with a view of the ocean.”
I reach out and grab her hand. She looks startled at first, but then she interlocks her fingers with mine. I never used to allow myself even this type of touch—the softer, more affectionate kind.
Letting go is heaven.
Out of the corner of my eye, I see her shake her head. “It won’t come to that. He’s not really going to kick me out. This is what he does. He’s very dramatic. Everything he said this morning is exactly what I expected, so even though it’s taxing, at least I was prepared. It’s Vanessa I’m worried about. I think she feels like I’m betraying her.”
“Damn.” I frown. “She’s always seemed like she’s a lot more—” My lips close just in time. Good God, was I really about to say I thought her younger sister was more level-headed in her beliefs?
How fucking condescending.
“Cole, it’s okay.” Livvy’s voice is full of understanding. “You were going to say that Vanessa isn’t as kooky of a Christian as I was at her age.”
I halt in my tracks and pull her around to face me. There’s a sheepish smile planted on her face.
“I was not going to say that. I’ve never thought you were kooky.”
Her smile grows a little exasperated. “Cole.”
“I didn’t. Ever. Even though I didn’t understand your beliefs, I’ve always thought you’re one of the best people I know. I thought Christians were full of shit until I met you, and I’ll be honest, I still think a lot of them are. But not you.”
Her smile fades. “I didn’t mean to upset you, but I was kooky. Even I can see that now. And come on, you have to admit you thought so too. At least a little bit.”
I shake my head sharply. “I thought some of your beliefs were strange. And wrong, if I’m being honest. I mean, all the stuff you’re trying to get rid of. The purity culture stuff. I thought it was a little weird.”
“It’s really weird.”
“But I never thought you were. You marveled me when I first met you. I couldn’t believe someone could be so kind and thoughtful without any strings attached.” I shake my head slowly, memories flooding through me in rush. She was the first person to ask me if something was wrong five years ago. I was able to talk to her about it because she never made me feel stupid. I thought it was ridiculous that I couldn’t just get over my dad’s infidelity, but she didn’t. That closeness with her made me realize what was really wrong.
I was lonely. I lost two people that day. My relationship with my dad was over, and my relationship with my mom was never the same. I couldn’t burden her with the petty concerns of my life anymore. Not when she was so miserable.
In a strange way, I’m glad it all happened that way, because I never would have transferred to San Marcos if I hadn’t been so depressed, and then I would have missed out on the most precious relationship in my life.
“Yeah, well…” she says, pulling me out of my head. “Most of who I am comes from my obedience. I was taught to be kind and thoughtful, and I always do as I’m told.”
“Whatever it was, it caught my seventeen-year-old heart.” I smile. “God, I would have done anything for you back then. I even thought about becoming a Christian.”
Livvy halts in place. When she turns to face me, her eyes are wide and dazed. “Did you really?”
Fuck, why did I bring that up? I can’t ever tell her about the church thing. How can I explain it? I went, and I didn’t like it. I was so bored I wrote college essays in my head so that the precious two hours of my weekend wouldn’t be wasted. Even now that she’s more understanding about everything, she couldn’t help but feel a division between us.
“I mean…sort of. Before I really understood what it meant to you. Before I knew it was a whole way of life and not just something I could attend once a week. I think I was mostly just thinking about getting laid. I was too dumb and horny to recognize the irony of that.”
She doesn’t return my smile. She doesn’t even move.
I frown. “Does that weird you out?”
“No, I’m just…surprised.” Her throat works. “Do you mean you wanted to date me back then?”
I try to gauge her reaction. She had to know I had a crush on her back then. “Of course. It wasn’t obvious? I mean, remember when we had our Lord of the Rings marathon, and I made it a whole themed night? I played the soundtrack, and didn’t I make some kind of Lord of the Rings inspired stew for you?”
She purses a smile. “You did.”
“I don’t even like The Lord of the Rings that much. I had to ask Zac all kinds of questions so that you wouldn’t know I had never read any of the books. He made fun of me for weeks after that. I wouldn’t have done it if I wasn’t…”
My lips close. Holy fuck, was I about to say “in love”? Being so close to having her is making me crazy.
“Really into you,” I finish.
She stares at me for what feels like an eternity, and I strain to read the look in her eyes.
“What changed?” she finally asks in a small voice.
She stares at me steadily, without even a flicker of understanding in her eyes, and I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. The day she told me she could never be with an atheist was probably just an ordinary moment for her. It isn’t burned into her memory like it is mine. She didn’t mean it as a personal rejection.
But goddamn, it sure felt like one.
“You told me you could only be with a Christian who was as ‘on fire for God’ as you were. I didn’t really know what that meant, but I knew it wasn’t me.”
She nods slowly. “I was so extreme. Was that what made your crush go away?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, if you really liked me at first— like liked me—and now you can only see me as a friend.
Did my faith make your crush go away?”
I stare at her for a moment. “No… I guess… It never went anywhere. You just became much more to me than a crush.”
LIVVY
IT NEVER WENT ANYWHERE.
The words echo as an audible voice as we sit on our favorite boulder at the top of the peak. The Santa Barbara coast stretches out below us, and the ocean is electric under the afternoon sky. I’ve lived in this city my entire life, and yet it’s like I’m seeing it for the first time.
Why did I take that edible? Now I’m forced to mull over his confession in a brain fog. Every time I try to hang on to a thought, it slips out of my grasp. But my body remembers. My stomach is still fluttering, and heat shoots into my groin every time the words replay in my head.
You became much more to me than a crush.
How is it possible that my deepest, most secret fantasy—that he’s in love with me and doesn’t know it—might really be coming true?
Goodness, am I dreaming?
I lift my foot into the air. My shoe looks just like I remember. That tiny brown stain on the toe is still there from when I spilled my Hazelnut Mocha almost a year ago. This image is too specifically accurate. In a dream, my shoes would change color, or look strange somehow.
Cole’s laughter only strengthens my certainty. This heat creeping up my neck and seeping into my cheeks is more tingly and electric than normal, but it’s certainly real. It’s embarrassment, though it feels like it’s coming from far away. He’s laughing at me. Because I’m staring at my shoe.
Goodness, I’m as high as the seagulls flying over us. Their squawks send a shiver down my spine.
“I don’t like seagulls,” I say in a rush.
“No?” I hear a smile in his voice.
I shake my head, trying to think of a way to save myself from my blunder. “They’re mean. Cruel, even. I’ve seen them beat up on other birds.”
“Maybe that’s what they have to do to survive.” When I still hear that smile, I know my save wasn’t as calm and measured as it sounded in my head. Why am even talking about seagulls?
“Survival never justifies cruelty,” I say.
“I don’t think seagulls reflect much on morality, but I guess I shouldn’t speak for them.”
I open my mouth and close it. What was I going to say about morals? It was there just a moment ago, rising to my tongue, and now it’s gone.
His deep chuckle makes heat wash over my skin. When I whip around, he’s looking at me with an almost pained expression. “I’m sorry.” He sucks in his lips, but his chest still shakes. “You’re just so cute. You should see your face. If I were a dick, I would take a video.”
A warm smile rises to my mouth. He’s so sweet for bringing the edible today and helping me work through my contract when he’s clearly going through his own stuff.
“I shouldn’t even be high,” I say. “Not when you’re sad.”
He reaches out and picks at a weed poking out from a crevice in the rock. “I’m not sad.”
“Of course you are.”
“No.” His gaze stays fixed on the little leaf between his fingers. “I want him to get what he deserves for destroying my mom’s life.”
My gaze shifts to the bright blue sky, and my murky thoughts grow sharp and focused. I see Cole’s mom, calm and a little demure, but not destroyed. “Did she tell you that?”
“What?”
“That he destroyed her life?”
“God, no. She doesn’t do that. She would never burden me with their marital problems. She didn’t even want me to tell her what happened in Arizona.”
Ah, Arizona. The trip he went on with his dad a few months before I met him. He’s only ever told me about it in scattered pieces.
“What happened exactly?” I keep my voice very soft. “I feel like you censored a lot of it when you first told me.”
He laughs humorlessly, and it’s a brittle sound that makes me want to hug him. “I caught him in the act. I actually saw him fucking another woman. It was…” he shivers, “…disgusting.”
He jumps a little when I set my hand on his arm. “And probably traumatic,” I say.
“I don’t know. I hardly remember it.”
Because you were traumatized, and that’s how some people cope. Thank God, I’m not so high that I let that slip out. He’s trying be tough about this, and I’ll let him put on the show, since he’s probably doing it mostly for himself. If he were ready to share his true feelings, he would have done it with me already.
I lift my hand and run my fingers up his arm and onto his shoulder, surprised at my boldness. I don’t think it’s the weed chocolate. It’s something else. Something shifted between us today.
It feels like a new beginning.
“I would have been traumatized if I were you. My dad was my hero when I was seventeen. It would have broken my heart to see him doing something like that.”
“You’re an angel.” He grabs my hand and squeezes it before interlocking his fingers with mine.
He lifts it to his lips and presses a soft kiss against my skin. “But I think it was good that I found out the way I did. I became much more realistic about love and relationships after that.”
“What do you mean?”
“I don’t think romantic love is real. It’s all based on attraction, and that fades over time.”
I frown. “You think that just because it faded for your dad?”
“I think it fades for everyone, and they all pretend like it doesn’t.”
A tingling ripple runs over my skin. I always thought his whole “I-don’t-do-relationships” thing—
which Mari claims only the worst fuck-boys say—was just a symptom of his youth. I thought for sure he would start to feel differently once he got out of college and was ready to settle here in Santa Barbara.
What does this mean for us?
His tender smile pulls me out of my reverie. “Is your brain getting a little fuzzy again?”
I shake my head. “I was thinking about all the couples I know who’ve stayed married until death.”
“Yeah, but that doesn’t mean they were in love. Or happy.”
“It depends on…” My lips close. What was I about to say?
He grins as he brushes a strand of hair behind my ears. “Don’t think too hard, Angel.”
When I glare at him, his smile grows.
“I’m not that high anymore,” I say.
“No, of course not.”
“I actually feel myself thinking more deeply than I usually do.”
“Naturally.”
When I narrow my eyes, he chuckles.
“Love goes through phases,” I say, thankful I seem to have regained my voice. “Sometimes it’s passionate, and sometimes it’s more like friendship, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t there.”
He stares at me for a long moment. “Maybe for some really lucky people, but I don’t think that’s generally the case. Monogamy just isn’t realistic. I don’t even think humans were meant for it.”
I sigh heavily. I can’t handle an anthropological argument about love and monogamy right now.
“You can’t have real love without risk.”
He squeezes my hand tightly. His dark-brown eyes bore into mine, sparkling in the afternoon sunlight. “I disagree with that completely. It’s not real love if you can’t count on it. I think we can only find real love in friendship. That’s why I didn’t jump at the opportunity to take your virginity.
Bringing sex into our friendship might complicate something that’s perfect as it is.”
My throat grows too tight to speak. Jesus, please say he isn’t about to reject me.
“But I’m going to do it anyway.”
A heaviness pulls at my body, making my eyelids fall shut.
“It’s important to you, and I want to help you,” he says, “because you’ve given me so much over the years. More than you could ever know.”
My eyes pop open. “I don’t want you doing it out of obligation.”
He laughs softly, lifting his hand and brushing his fingers along my cheek. “An obligation.” His voice is husky as he leans forward and presses his warm lips against mine. “What a chore it’s going to be.” He sets his hand on my thigh and starts trailing it upward. “Torture. Absolute torture.”
He withdraws from me suddenly, grabs my shoulders, and pins me with a hard stare. “I want you to be mine for all of this week.”
My head begins to swim. “The whole week?”
“I start work next Monday, and I’m going to be busy as hell after that. I want to do this right. There’s no need to rush into having sex when you haven’t tried anything else, and I definitely don’t want to rush…” He brushes his lips against mine before pulling away. “I want your whole week. Every moment of it. I probably won’t even let you out of my bed. Can you do that for me?”
I nod slowly, feeling hypnotized.
His jaw hardens. “I might scare you. I didn’t save my virginity for you, so this won’t be anything like what you imagined for your first time. I’m a heathen with lots of experience, and you’re going to find out what I’ve wanted to do to you all these years. Do you think you can handle it?”
Fire courses through my belly. “I think I’ll like it.”
“We’ll see.” His expression grows fierce. “You’re mine for the next week. Cancel any plans you have. Tell your parents you’re staying with Mari or something, because you won’t be seeing them at all. We leave my bed to eat, and that’s it.”
I release a nervous giggle. “I can’t believe this is happening.”
I really can’t. This is what I’ve always wanted from him—for him to be as greedy for my touch as he is for my time and attention. It feels like a dream, but even in my dreamy state of mind, I’m certain it’s real.
A real possibility for our future.
If this week is as spectacular as I think it could be, he might decide our friendship isn’t “perfect as it is”. He’ll see it could be so much more. We have all the ingredients for the strongest kind of relationship, the kind he doesn’t believe in now.
We have passion as well as friendship. Maybe passion fades, like he fears. Or maybe it ebbs and flows, like I’ve always thought. Either way, we have friendship to sustain us. We wouldn’t end up like his parents.
I just hope I can help him see that.
