“OKAY,” Mari says, “so the story is that we’re staying with Brenna for the week, and I’ll actually stay with her so that my parents can corroborate if my dad mentions anything the next time he and your dad hang out.”
“Ugh!” I groan as I rummage through my underwear drawer. “I have only granny panties.”
Coming down from that stupid edible has frayed my nerves, and having to pack for a whole week with Cole has made me both giddy and sick to my stomach.
“I hate that I’m lying like a little kid,” I say. “I need to just tell my parents everything and get it over with. It’s so stupid that you have to change all of your plans for the week just so I can get laid.
I’m a grown woman. I need to act like one.”
“You don’t need that kind of pressure right now. Just enjoy your week and think about all of that after. It’s no problem for me at all. It gives me a chance to get out of the house for a bit.”
After sifting through the drawer once more, I slam it shut. I turn around, march to my bed, and plop myself down next to Mari, my eyes prickling. “I don’t have anything sexy.”
She sets her hands on my shoulders and kneads her thumbs against the tight muscles at the base of my neck. “He won’t care what your underwear looks like. Once you get started, he’s going to get you naked as fast as he can.”
Normally, hearing something like that would warm my insides, but my gut is churning with a coldness that won’t go away. What if it’s terrible? What if I’m terrible, and I can see it in his eyes right after we have sex?
“Fuck abstinence only education,” I raise my voice, unable to help myself.
Mari’s eyes grow huge. “Wow. I think that’s maybe the second time ever that I’ve heard you say fuck.”
“I didn’t even go to sex ed. Did I ever tell you that?”
Her expression softens. “Yeah, I think so.”
I laugh humorlessly. “My parents signed a waiver. I went to the office and did homework during sex ed. I thought I’d learn more about sex in my college classes, but it turns out, they don’t go into much detail about the mechanics, because you’re supposed to already know. Everything I’ve learned about sex came from purity conferences. The only penis I’ve ever seen was a cartoon, and it had a big green cartoon STD on it. It looked like a monster.”
Mari sucks in her lips, as if she’s fighting laugher. I can’t help but smile, even as my insides roil.
“It’s sad,” I say.
“It is sad, but it’s not your fault.”
“It doesn’t matter.” My voice is brittle. “It doesn’t change the fact that I have no idea what to do when it comes to sex.”
“It doesn’t take that long to learn, and if you’re nervous because you think Cole’s not going to enjoy having sex with you, you’re out of your mind. You could just lie there, and he’d be happy.”
“That’s just not true, and you know it. I’ve heard you talk about people who were bad at sex.”
Her brows draw together. “That’s different. I didn’t have years of emotional investment. I’ve never been in love with anyone I’ve had sex with, and given everything he said today, I’m pretty sure he’s in love with you.”
I groan. “Our relationship hasn’t been tested, and I hate myself for feeling this way. My impurity contract was all about me and my journey at first, and now I’m letting it become about Cole. Just like I always do.”
“Then take ownership now. Prioritize your needs. It’s not all about pleasing Cole. He needs to please you.”
“And I’m sure he will, because he knows how, but I’ve never learned anything.” I shake my head.
“I wish I had watched porn.”
“Why don’t we watch some right now?” She pulls out her phone and swipes her thumb over the screen. “I really only watch lesbian porn, because straight porn is way too male gaze-y, but I’m sure I can find something decent…”
I shut my eyes, laughing softly. “No, wait. Don’t do that. I can’t learn everything in two hours, and it’ll probably only make me more nervous.”
“Tell Cole that. Tell him you’re nervous and don’t know what to do. I know he’ll be understanding.”
“Of course he will, but I don’t want him to be understanding. I want him to be wildly turned on. I want to give him the best sex he’s ever had.”
Because I want to convince him to be with me, but I can’t say that to Mari. She would rightly tell me that I’m slipping back into my old patterns.
If I want to be in a relationship with him, I need to say something instead of passively waiting for him wake up and realize he’s madly in love with me.
This week can’t just be about sex. If I really want to assert myself and start asking for the things I want, I have to also make myself vulnerable. I told him today that you can’t have love without risk, and I am only now recognizing my hypocrisy. Of the two of us, I’m the biggest coward.
