HER DEEP BREATH makes a little rumbling sound. She furrows her brow and rolls onto her stomach, mumbling softly. A smile rises to my lips. She roused herself from sleep with her own snore.
Now would be the perfect time to wake her up with a kiss, but I won’t do it. I’m just going to keep watching her, like the sap I’ve become over the past half hour I’ve been awake.
She’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen, and it makes me want to weep.
Why do I feel this way? Why does seeing her lying here with her mouth open and that little furrow on her brow make my chest constrict so tightly that I can hardly take a breath, as if I’m mourning the loss of her when she’s as close as she’s ever been?
I’m in love with her.
I shut my eyes and roll to my back. That’s what this is. The deepest love and the deepest denial.
Some part of me must have known all along that if I ever got this close to her, I wouldn’t be able to delude myself anymore.
Love is misery.
Even when it’s as beautiful as this—with her warm body next to mine as the morning sunlight creeps into the room.
Who knows what she feels for me or how long it will last?
I’m on the path to losing her forever, and there’s no getting off it now.
She stirs again, but this time, she turns onto her back, and her eyes start to creep open. When they focus on my face, a sleepy smile twinges her lips, and that ache in my chest grows sharper.
“Morning, beautiful.”
“Morning?” Her voice is raspy from sleep.
“Yep.” I lift my hand and tuck a strand of dark hair behind her ear. “I think that orgasm wore you out.”
She blinks a few times. “I’m still a virgin.”
I laugh as I press a kiss on her cheek. “I guess by your purity standards, you are. You won’t be for much longer, but first, I want to take you somewhere.”
“Right now?”
I smile as I glance at the window. “Yep, and we need to go soon.”
A little while later, we’re walking up the hill at the edge of my parents’ property. It has the best view of the ocean, and even though we missed the sunrise—because it turns out my angel is a little sluggish in the morning—it’s still a beautiful sight. The sun is molten, casting an orange glow over the water.
I can’t believe I’m here with her. We’ve shared so much time together over the years, but never the morning, and there’s something hauntingly intimate about seeing her with her hair still a little mussed from sleep and her nose pink from the cold air.
“Wow,” Livvy says. “Do you wake up this early a lot?”
“I do not. I actually can’t remember the last time I was up this early.”
“This is a perfect spot for reflection. I wish I had my prayer journal—” her nose wrinkles as she stares out at the water, “—and maybe a bagel.”
“We didn’t have dinner last night.”
She takes a step forward and peeks back over her shoulder. “No, you ate me instead.”
My mouth drops open. “I think that’s maybe the filthiest thing I’ve ever heard you say.” I yank her up against me and kiss her softly on the head. “What a good girl you are.”
She looks up at me, her eyes wide. “Is that always how you are? During sex, I mean?”
“Um… How?”
“Are you always so commanding?”
I smile lazily. “That’s why I was afraid I’d scare you. I’m kind of…dominating during sex. I mean I don’t have to be, but I knew it would be hard to hold back with you when I’ve been imagining it for so long.” I wrap my arms around her shoulders. “I’ve dreamed about fucking you raw and rewarding you for taking it like a good girl.”
“And I love it. Like, really love it. I always thought I’d be too embarrassed to enjoy sex like that, but now I don’t think that at all. I think when it’s like that, it makes me feel way less nervous.”
My head grows heavy. I never thought she would be this way either. I thought she’d need me gentle and soft—how I usually am with her.
That fantasy. My God. “I’m not sure if you’re going to fuck me or hurt me, and for some reason, knowing it could be either one really turns me on.” I can’t believe this is who she’s been all these years inside that demure little exterior.
I lower my lips to hers and kiss her hard. “Come on. Let’s get you fed so I can get back to commanding you.”
LIVVY
AFTER DECIDING to get breakfast at a coffee shop near the wharf, we take a small trail down to the beach. The sun is high in the sky, and it brushes golden light over his face, making his brown eyes sparkle.
I’m in heaven, holding his big hand while we take a morning walk on the beach after spending the night with his arms wrapped around me. I never thought this would happen.
“I already got a text from Mariana,” I say, “and she’s never up this early. She wanted to know how last night went, but I feel like a text can’t do it justice.”
He grins. “I’m hoping I get a whole chapter in your prayer journal.”
“Chapter?” I smile. “Do you think I divide my journal by chapters?”
“I’ve never given journaling too much thought, except for yours. I can’t tell you how desperately I used to want to read it. I was tempted sometimes, especially when you brought it to school.”
Heat washes over my face. “What kind of high schooler brings her prayer journal to school? Oh man, how embarrassing. No wonder I’ve never been laid.”
He squeezes my hand as he pulls me away from the water, which is now only inches from hitting my shoes. “You won’t be able to say that soon, Angel. Maybe that’s what you should text Mariana.
Say you’ll call her after you’ve been good and railed.”
My stomach flutters for a moment before it sinks. Cole must sense the change in my mood, because he turns to me with a questioning frown.
I swallow. “Do you know about the lie we made up for my parents about where I’m staying this week?”
“Um… Yeah, that you’re staying with Mari, or going on vacation with her or something?”
“It’s so elaborate and so stupid. The story we came up with is that we’re spending the week at her friend Brenna’s. We called it a weeklong slumber party. I’m not very close with Brenna, so my parents would never believe just I would go. And since my dad and Mari’s dad are really good friends, Mari is actually staying with Brenna this week just to corroborate my story.”
He nods slowly while licking his lips, and I can sense the direction of his thoughts. I’m a baby compared to him. He hardly even had to ask for his parents’ permission back in high school. His mom even allowed him to have girls sleep over, which was unfathomable to my innocent mind back then. It must seem outrageous that I’m still letting my parents control me at twenty-one years old.
“It’s ridiculous,” I say. “I’m a grown woman. I know that’s what you’re thinking, and it’s okay.”
“I wasn’t thinking that.”
“If you weren’t, you’re being way too forgiving of my flaws. It’s absurd, and it’s just one symptom of my whole problem. I’m only still living with my parents because I was too scared to go away for college like you did.”
The wind presses a dark strand of his hair against his forehead, and he brushes it away with his fingers. “It’s not like I went very far. I didn’t want to move too far away from you, which isn’t much different than wanting to stay close to family. And you’re saving money, which I didn’t have to think twice about.”
“Yeah, but I could have taken out loans if I really wanted the dorm experience, like Mari did her first year. Instead, I’ve lived basically the same life I lived in high school, even down to curfew and dating rules.” I glance up at him. “Do you know that if my dad caught us holding hands right now
— just holding hands—he would expect you to ask his permission to date me?”
His brow furrows. “Do you need me to do it? I will if it’ll make things easier for you. Especially if you want to be able to go out in public this week without worrying about running into your family.”
“Absolutely not. It grosses me out that he even thinks it’s his permission to give. I can’t believe I used to buy into all of that. When I get home at the end of the week, I plan to tell my parents I was with you.”
He halts in place and pulls me around to face him, his expression probing and tender. “If you really need to tell him everything that’s going on, I can be there with you. You know, for support. I might have a hard time if he goes off on you—” he smiles faintly, “—but I’ll try not to beat him up.”
My chest fills with warmth. Goodness, just when I thought I couldn’t love him any more.
After jumping to my tiptoes, I wrap my arms around him. I pull myself up and plant a hard kiss on his cheek. “I would never put you through that kind of torture. Plus, if you were there, he would focus entirely on you, because that’s the way he sees things. It would be your fault for leading me astray and taking my purity, because he doesn’t see me as having my own sexual desires. He would think I was only trying to please you, and I want to take ownership of this whole thing. I’m done being submissive and weak.”
His jaw clenches, and he looks away from me. “It really irritates me when you say that.”
I frown. “When I say what?”
His expression shutters, and he turns in the direction of the wharf. “Let’s go.” His tone is curt.
“We can talk about this later.”
Nervousness churns in my stomach, but I force my feet to stay in place. “No, I want you to tell me why you’re mad.”
He whips around, and his gaze burns into mine. “I can’t stand it when you call yourself weak. You are the most stable person in my life. You’ve been there when…” He shakes his head. “You’ve been there when I didn’t even want to be around myself. And you were calm and loving, like you always are. That’s not weakness. It takes strength to be close to someone when they’re falling apart. Strength that I have yet to see in anyone else.” He swallows audibly. “You dazzle me.”
He lowers his head and kisses me softly. Jesus, help me, I love him so much. How am I going to bear it if he doesn’t love me back like I want him to?
By the time he pulls away, my eyes are full of moisture, and I don’t care.
“I’m happy you’re asserting yourself more,” he says with a smile, “and that you’re taking the things you want and standing up for yourself. You should get everything you want. Please don’t call yourself weak.”
“I won’t anymore.” I love you. The words hover on my lips, but I can’t let them out yet. Why spoil this moment when it might become one of my last precious memories with him?
Coldness tightens my chest. Oh my gosh, he was right. He was right all along.
Being with him this way has changed everything. I can’t go back to how we were before. It would shatter me.
Maybe I do have inner strength, but I need to start caring for myself. My soft heart isn’t capable of living this way any longer. I can’t be this close to him with the invisible wall of platonic friendship between us, not when I love him this much.
If he doesn’t want to be with me, I have to end our friendship.
Cole
“LOOK,” she says after taking a big bite of her bagel. She points to a couple of birds on the sand.
“That seagull just stole whatever that little bird was eating. He just came up and swiped it. I told you they were mean.”
A grin spreads over my face. “I think the word you used was ‘cruel’.”
“I was trying really hard to make it sound like my brain was capable of rational thought, and it backfired on me.”
“Oh man, you were high as fuck. It was so cute. At one point, you were staring at your foot like you had never seen it before.”
She opens her mouth and closes it when a woman approaches our table. It takes me a moment to recognize her, and when I do, my skin tingles with foreboding.
Sophia from the other night in the Uber.
“I’m so sorry to intrude on your date,” she says, “but I haven’t been able to stop thinking about the…conversation we had a few days ago about the person we both know.”
My pulse starts to race. “It’s okay,” I say to Sophia. “We don’t have to talk around it.” I look at Livvy. “This is Sophia. She’s a friend of my dad’s.”
Livvy’s eyes widen. “Oh.”
“Yeah.”
Sophia pulls out a chair from our table, and the metal legs screech like bats as they scrape against the concrete. After sitting down, she looks at me probingly. “I promise I’ll be quick. I just kind of panicked when I realized you were his son, and there are a few things I should’ve said that have been weighing on me.”
I swallow, my hands growing cold. “Okay.”
God, I really don’t want to hear any of this, and I would probably tell her that if Livvy weren’t here, but I don’t want it to look like I blame the women my dad most likely manipulates into sleeping with him.
“I only hung out with your dad the one time, just like I told you. But I really should have explained a little more about how it happened. I was the one who approached him. I was out with my girlfriends, and he was at the bar by himself. We all thought he was a hot older man—” She looks at Livvy, smiling cheekily. “I mean, it’s obviously in their genes, right?”
Fuck, Sophia probably thinks Livvy’s my girlfriend, even though I tried to take Sophia home a few days ago.
Like father like son.
“And we were all, like, joking around and saying we would call him Daddy and stuff…” She chuckles nervously. “I’m sorry. I know this is really awkward, but I just want you to understand… We made bets about which one of us would get drunk enough to hit on him, and I was the one who finally did at the end of the night. And I mean, I was pretty buzzed, and I think your dad was really drunk—”
I lift a hand. “You don’t have to defend him.”
“No, no. Please let me finish.”
I close my mouth and take a deep breath, wishing I could burst out of my skin to escape this conversation.
“So I ended up going home with him, and we did have sex, but after we were done, he was super sad. Like, I’m pretty sure he almost started crying. He told me he was out getting drunk because it was the anniversary of the day his wife told him about her affair.”
“What?”
She winces. “Oh shit, I’m sorry. I don’t mean to bring up family drama. I just wanted you to know that I’m pretty sure it was a one-time thing for him. He was really sad about his wife. I got the impression he really loves her and regretted what we did.”
My hands press against the table. I want to tell this woman to stop talking and go away before I lose my mind. “Sophia.” I try to keep my voice soft. “I don’t hold you responsible at all, even if you did approach him. The thing is, you have no clue what you’re talking about. It was not a one-time thing. He does this all the time, and whatever he told you about an affair was made up. He’s a liar.”
“Okay.” Her posture grows remote, as if she’s finally picking up on how unwelcome this conversation is. “I’m really sorry I interrupted you guys.”
She quickly leaves, and I look down at my phone, trying to focus myself before I break down and throw it. I flash the screen. 9:34. Where did the time go? God, I just need to be back in bed with Livvy. That’s the only real escape I can get right now.
“Cole.”
Her sweet voice pulls me out of my head.
“I’m so sorry,” she says. “That was awful.”
“She didn’t tell me anything I didn’t already know.”
“No, that was traumatizing. I can’t even imagine having to hear stuff like that about my parents. I understand what she was trying to do, but oh my gosh, why did she have to go into so much detail?”
I nod slowly. God, I don’t think I’ve ever hated my dad more. How could he use my mom like that, pretending to be sad to get women to sleep with him? Isn’t it enough that she’s stood by his side all these years while he’s fucked other women, some of them in my mom’s own home?
I’m never getting married.
“What?”
When I jerk up at the sound of her voice, her brows are drawn together, and her mouth is tight.
Fuck, I must have mumbled that.
I clear my throat. “I just fucking hate my dad.”
She purses her lips as she nods. “Do you want to head home now?” Her voice is tight.
Home.
I get to take her home with me.
I get to keep her there for a while—the only person in the world who makes me feel safe and warm.
I’m never letting her go.
Oh God, these feelings are dangerous. I can’t have her this close forever. Ultimately it will drive her away.
I have to make the most of the short time we have.
“Yeah, let’s get of here.” I force a smile. “We have unfinished business.”
