THE WORLD IS DARK AGAIN, just like it was years ago before she came into my life.
I’d almost forgotten what this feels like. A dust cloud has swept over everything, and yet it all looks exactly the same. She left her water glass on my dresser, and even from here I can make out a little pink smudge on the edge from her lip gloss. Her white dress sits crumpled on the floor, in the same place she left it after she slipped it over her head.
I can’t disturb any of it. It’s as if I can pull her back into my life by preserving the world as it was just before I lost her.
Fuck, I need to get out of this room.
When I step outside, the afternoon sun is high in the sky and relentlessly bright. If things had gone differently, if I hadn’t been so selfish and shortsighted, I probably wouldn’t even know the time right now. I’d be in bed with her in my room, and we’d be speaking as softly as if it were the dead of night.
As soon as I get inside my parent’s house, I walk into the kitchen. What the fuck am I even doing here? I can’t eat or drink anything right now.
“Honey, what’s wrong?” When I glance up, my mom is sitting at the kitchen table. Fuck, how did I not even see her? I forgot she was due back today. Her expression fills with alarm as she strides in my direction. She sets her hand on my forehead. “Are you sick?”
“No, I’m fine,” I say, though my voice is as husky as when I have a cold.
“No, you’re not.” She scans my face. “Have you been crying?” Her eyes widen as if a thought occurs to her. “Are you upset about the divorce?”
“No, it has nothing to do with that. Everything’s fine. I’m just tired, but I did…”
God, I can’t believe I have to tell her I did the exact same thing her piece of shit husband did a few days ago.
“I broke a window in the guesthouse.”
Her head jerks back. “What happened?”
I sigh heavily, shutting my eyes. “It was an accident, but I cleaned everything up. I’m going to get it replaced as soon as I can, and when I get my first paycheck, I’ll get that whole place deep cleaned for you.”
She stares at me for a long moment. “Why do I think it wasn’t an accident? Tell me what’s going on.”
“I don’t want to unload on you, not with everything you’re going through with Dad.”
“You’ll be doing me a favor by unloading on me. If you don’t, I’ll worry.”
In the end, I tell her the story because I’m too exhausted to argue with her. With each detail I share, the tension leaves my shoulders, and based on her concerned but placid expression, my mom is isn’t disturbed by any of it.
“I wasn’t in a rage when I threw the ball,” I say when I’m finished. “I was honestly just… I don’t know… I hardly even remember throwing it.”
“You were in shock.”
“I guess so.”
She nods slowly, her brow furrowed.
“What are you thinking?” I ask.
“I’m just surprised you didn’t want to be in a relationship with her. Whenever you used to say you don’t do relationships, I always thought it was because you couldn’t be with her. Because her religion is so strict.”
I huff, shaking my head. “I’m a fucking idiot, Mom. I guess she just took me by surprise, and I freaked out. It’s so stupid. Now I have nothing.”
Her expression grows stern. “You need to talk to her.”
“She’s been gone three hours, and I’ve already called her twenty times.” I laugh humorlessly. “I think she turned off her phone, because it’s going straight to voice mail now.”
“Well, you’d better find a way to see her whenever she’s ready. You can’t let it go and hope that she comes around. This needs to be dealt with now, unless you want to lose her for good.”
The sound pulled from my chest is something between a groan and a cry. If I can’t get her back, I’ll be forced to live in this dark and desolate world forever.
My stomach jolts when a thought occurs to me. “She left a few of her things at the house. Would it seem manipulative if I brought them to her and asked to talk to her?”
She stares at me for a moment. “Maybe wait a week or so. Give her a little bit of space first.”
I nod frantically, even though I have no intention of waiting even close to a week. I don’t think I’m physically capable of it.
I’ll wait until tomorrow. Any longer, and I’ll lose my mind.
LIVVY
I SCRUB the sponge against the glass plate so hard that it slips out of my hand. I catch it just before it hits the bottom of the sink.
Goodness, I need an outlet for all of this nervous energy. I wish I liked running.
“Livvy.” My sister raises her voice over the faucet water.
I turn it off before twisting around. “What’s up?”
Something about her wary expression makes the back of my neck prickle. “Cole is outside. In his car.”
My stomach flutters, and I hate myself for it.
“He doesn’t want to come to the door because he doesn’t want to cause a scene with Mom and Dad around, so he DMed me on Instagram. He said you’re not responding to his texts.”
My throat grows tight. I haven’t even looked at his texts. I’ve been too terrified that I might slip back into being passive Livvy and tell him I take everything back.
“He has a bunch of your stuff that you left at his house,” Vanessa says. “I didn’t bring it in, because he asked if he could talk to you.”
My spine grows rigid. “I can’t. It’s too soon. I’m too raw.”
“I understand, but like…” Her eyes widen. “Livvy, he looks…like he’s sick. I think he’s really devastated about whatever happened with you guys.”
My heart squeezes, and I wish I could hug him. Why do I still have these instincts? Why do I want to comfort him when he’s the one who broke my heart?
Enough. I don’t need to comfort him, and I’m not too weak to see him.
I brush past my sister in the direction of the front door, taking several deep breaths to calm my racing heart. By the time I make it outside, my resolve is a little firmer.
I’m not going to talk to him today. We’ll have a heart-to-heart when I’m strong enough to put my needs above his.
He steps out of his car as soon I get close, and my sister was right. Jesus, help me, he looks awful.
His eyes are dull, and his skin is bleached of color.
He clears his throat. “You left your dress and…I think maybe mascara or something. I didn’t want to bring them to the door with your parents at home.”
I nod. “My sister told me, but that’s not really why you came over.”
“No.” His voice is soft. “I was hoping we could talk.”
I take a deep breath. I can do this. “Not right now. It’s too soon.”
“This is hell.” His voice quivers.
Moisture starts to gather in my eyes. “I know. It’s not easy for me either.”
“When can I come back?”
I sigh. “I’ll text you when I’m ready. We can meet somewhere and talk everything out.”
When his face lights up, I lift a hand. “We’re just going to have a conversation. I’ll let you talk, because I know I left abruptly yesterday, but I really don’t anticipate anything changing between us.”
When his shoulders slump a little and his expression grows remote, I wish I could reach and touch him.
“That’s understandable.” His voice is so faint, I only just make it out.
When his eyes grow bright and misty, I walk quickly in his direction and reach for the paper bag in his hands.
I need to get away fast. His despair is squeezing my resolve into dust.
As I grip the handle of the bag, his thumb brushes over my hand, and just that small touch sends an electrical current up my arm. When I look up at him, his gaze is boring into mine, his expression so full of longing my heart falls into my stomach.
I turn around and walk quickly into the house.
When I make it to the staircase, Vanessa approaches me. “Dad is pissed,” she mouths.
My brow knits, and a moment later, my dad walks out of the kitchen. “What’s in that bag?” His tone is full of accusation.
I’m too emotionally exhausted to lie. “A dress and a tube of eyeliner.”
“Why did Cole have them?”
“He picked them up from Mari’s friend’s house,” Vanessa says quickly. My heart clenches that she’s trying to cover for me even when I don’t really need it.
I’m done behaving like a child.
My dad keeps his gaze fixed on me. “I don’t think that’s where she really went. Why have I never heard of this Brenna until now? And why did you come home early?” He shakes his head. “I think you stayed at Cole’s house.”
My last nerve snapping, I lift my chin and stare up at my dad. “It’s none of your business if I did.”
“So this is how it is now? Staying overnight with men.” His nostrils flare. “I never saw this coming. I don’t know where my daughter went.”
I grit my teeth. “Your daughter is right here.”
“This isn’t the daughter I raised. The daughter I raised would know that staying overnight at a man’s house can lead to her losing everything she’s worked hard to protect. I pray to God you aren’t so far gone that you’ve given up everything, but you’re heading in that direction. You know you are.
You’re becoming just like Mari.”
A flush of adrenaline rages through my veins. “And Mari’s a bad person?”
His expression grows grim. “She’s fallen away from the Lord, and it shows. Hector is like a brother to me, and she’s breaking his heart. I just hope you don’t break mine.”
His condemnation of Mari for living like a regular college student is enough. I can’t handle this anymore.
“Well, you should probably add me to your prayer list then. I don’t plan on abstaining from sex anymore.”
My dad’s entire posture changes, his spine growing rigid. His hands drop to his sides. “I pray to God that isn’t true.” His voice is tight.
I huff out a humorless laugh. “I just told you it’s true. Believe me.”
My dad is utterly still. There’s something strange about his expression as he stares steadily at me… His face crumples inward. He buries his head in his hands, and his shoulders start to shake rapidly. I stare at him for a moment, my head growing fuzzy.
The sound of his cry registers, and a chill runs down my spine. It’s high pitched and strange. I’ve never really seen my dad cry. At most, I’ve seen him with red, teary eyes and a bit of a grimace. I’ve certainly never heard it.
When my daze clears, I snap into action. I rush over to him and wrap my arms around him. “It’s okay, Dad. I’m still me.”
“You were my little girl,” he says, or I think he does. His voice is muffled through his sobs.
Under different circumstances, I might try to have a blunt discussion with him about how purity culture teaches men to infantilize their grown daughters, but I can’t right now. Not while he’s weeping.
Instead, I squeeze him tightly. “I still am. This has nothing to do with my relationship with you.
You’re still my hero, just like you were when I was little.”
It’s only a partial truth. Over the last year, my dad has become much more human than hero in my eyes, but right now, he needs my comfort.
“Dad.” It’s Vanessa’s gentle voice. When I glance up, she’s standing a few feet away, her brow furrowed. She hates seeing him like this as much as I do. “We love you more than anything, but we’re becoming adults now. We have to figure out things for ourselves. That’s what God wants for us, too.”
“It happened too fast,” he says. “This isn’t how it’s supposed to be.”
Goodness, he sounds so young. I shoot my sister a sad smile, and she returns it. How strange that we’re here comforting our father who once seemed like the king of the world. No one but God was bigger than him in our youth.
Hours later, I lie in my bed with my sister next to me. She asked to spend the night in my room, probably because she’s worried about me after the turmoil of the day.
“Ness,” I whisper, “Are you awake?”
“Yeah.” Her voice is faint.
“What am I going to do if Cole begs to be in a relationship with me?”
She clears her throat. “Do you think that’s what he’s going to do?”
“I think so. He’s desperate, but it’s not what he really wants.” I clench my jaw. “After we had sex, he said he still doesn’t believe in monogamy. Clearly, it wasn’t good enough for him to want to be with me long term. To want it only with me. Would you want a love like that? Would you want someone who’s only in a relationship with you because it’s a better alternative to losing your
She’s quiet for a moment, and the heaviness of the week pulls my body like a magnet into my bed.
“No,” she eventually says. “I would only want to be with him if he were madly in love with me, especially if I loved him as much as you do.”
My throat grows tight. “Exactly. That’s exactly how I feel.”
“But I wouldn’t turn him down unless I knew for sure. It’s hard for me to imagine anyone being this desperate to keep someone in their life if they weren’t in love.”
That’s because you’re not weak enough to let yourself become a person’s only source of emotional comfort for five years straight while you wait for them to see you as something more.
I turn to my side and squeeze my eyes tightly shut. I can’t think about this now. I’ll wait until I hear what he has to say.
