“OH MY GOODNESS. THAT WAS WILD.”
He smiles faintly.
“I’m so glad it was like that. Thank you for making my first time so special. Doing it like that was healing for me.”
“Of course, baby.”
He lies still with his eyes closed, looking thoroughly sated. I should just let him rest, but I can’t.
Elation is making me bold, and I won’t let this opportunity pass.
“I think we’re good together. Our friendship means we have really good communication, and that leads to explosive sex.” My insides quiver, but I have to press forward.
It’s time to face my fears.
“I want more. I don’t want to go back to being just friends after this week.”
His eyes pop open. He opens his mouth and closes it. My stomach plummets, but I try to push away the ominous feeling taking over my body.
This is okay. He’s just surprised.
“Livvy…”
When he doesn’t say anything more, my head grows unsteady. Could I have misinterpreted everything? “I mean, maybe… Was it just me? Did I think it was really good sex because of my lack of experience?”
“No. God, no.” After reaching out and grabbing my hand, his gaze falls to the sticky wetness on my belly, and he smiles faintly. “I wouldn’t have done that if I hadn’t completely lost my head. You’re right. It was explosive sex. Let me get a towel so I can clean you up.”
When he stands up and disappears from the room, my chest constricts. Is this deflection? Is he trying to change the subject?
Boldness, Livvy. Boldness.
“Well, if it was spectacular for you too,” I call out, “then it’s probably only going to get better.
Why would we stop in a week?”
The faucet shuts off, and he walks back into the bedroom. His grim expression makes a ball of ice form in the pit of my stomach. He kneels in front of the bed and presses a warm cloth against my skin, rubbing softly.
“Why aren’t you saying anything?”
His jaw ticks. “I’m thinking.”
“Obviously, your thoughts aren’t positive. I can see it all over your face.”
After pushing himself up, he walks over to his closet and reaches to the top shelf. He pulls out a baseball and stares at it for a moment before tossing it into the air and catching it. He does it again and again.
My head jerks back. “Are we going to play catch before we finish this conversation?”
“I told you I’m thinking.”
My breathing grows shallow, and I shut my eyes to fight the dizziness. This isn’t good. He hardly even seems aware of his movements.
“Why is it so hard to give this idea a chance?” I ask.
After catching the ball, he pauses for a moment. He steps to the side and lifts his elbow high in the air, like he’s going to pitch, but he only tosses the ball softly onto the bed. “You’re asking me to choose between friendship and sex.”
“That’s not what I’m asking at all. We’ll still be friends.”
“For now.” His voice is so faint.
Heat creeps along my neck and into my cheeks. “So you’re just not willing to take the risk that we might break up someday? I guess what I feel for you is much stronger than what you feel for me.”
“No.” He whips around to face me. “The opposite of that is true. I could never risk losing you.
The only way I would even consider this is if you could guarantee that we would still be friends for the rest of our lives even if we try and it doesn’t work out. Can you guarantee that?”
His slight smile is almost a sneer. He knows I won’t lie.
“No, I can’t.”
“Of course you can’t. Friendship is a guarantee. A romantic relationship isn’t. I don’t even believe in monogamy.”
My ears pound like a hammer. Jesus, help me, I wonder how many times he’s made this exact speech right after sex. “That’s a fuck-boy thing to say.”
The swearword on my lips must sound as strange to him as it did to me, because his eyes grow huge. He stares at me for a moment as if he’s never seen me before. “You’re calling me a fuck-boy because I care about you too much to lose you?”
I cross my arms over my chest. “The fact that you talk about losing me like it’s a sure thing tells me you don’t really want me. You already see yourself dumping me when we haven’t even started anything yet.”
“That’s not true at all. I can’t see the future, and that’s the problem. All I know is that passion doesn’t last. We had sex, and it was great, but our friendship is so much more. How can you not see that?”
My throat aches, and I struggle to swallow. I’m not going to win this battle. He’s determined to keep things as they were.
Because he doesn’t want me enough.
“So if you want to go back to being just friends,” I say, “I guess that means you don’t mind if I start having sex with other guys, because I’m certainly not staying celibate after this.”
His look of horror would be comical if I weren’t so close to tears.
“Did that not even occur to you?” I ask. “Do you think going back to our old friendship means I’ll go back to being the old me?”
He averts his gaze from mine, his nostrils flaring.
“Did you think that I would be this person forever—sweet, compassionate Livvy who’s always there for you at the drop of a hat because she has nothing else going on in her life?”
When his eyes grow wide and dazed, I huff softly. He did think I would always be this way, because this is who I’ve always been—devoted to him, even when he’s slept with other women. In a way, I have been his girlfriend. He just got sex elsewhere.
“I think our relationship is a little enmeshed,” I say.
His gaze snaps to my face. “What do you mean?”
“I mean it’s unhealthy. Relationships are supposed to grow. You want to keep me in a box, and maybe it’s because you treasure me, but it’s not doing me any favors. You’re part of the reason I’ve lived so small.”
His mouth drops open. “I don’t want you to live small. I’m happy to see you grow and—”
“No.” I shake my head sharply. “You’re happy to see me grow as long as who I grow into suits you. As long as I don’t grow away from you, and you get to call all the shots. I’ve basically been your girlfriend for all these years, all while you got to sleep with countless other women, but you would hate it if I slept with other guys. And you know you’ll try to intervene in the name of
‘protectiveness’.”
His nostrils flare, but he wisely doesn’t speak. We both know any kind of denial would be a lie.
“In many ways, I’ve been submissive to you, just like I was taught to be with my husband someday. I know you love and care for me, but you want things your way. I’ve been on hold for you all these years, and you want to put me on hold again.”
He scowls. “What do you mean by ‘on hold’? Being with you wasn’t even an option until a few days ago.”
“No.” I stare at him steadily. Dread clamps my chest like a fist, and I take a deep breath to ease it as much as I can.
The entirety of our friendship has led to this moment. As long as I keep my love a secret, I can live in the fantasy world that he loves me and doesn’t know it. The delusion has been a shelter for my pathetic heart. At the back of my mind, I’ve always known that once it crumbles, my heart will too.
But I’m ready for that.
“Cole, I’m in love with you. I always have been.”
Cole
THERE’S a roar in my head. “Always? You mean since we first met?”
Her brows draw together. “Yes. I fell in love with you during those first few months we were getting to know each other.”
The world around me starts to blur, and my body grows so light I could float away. I see her as she was back then—my beautiful Livvy who wore modest clothes and never cursed. How could she have been in love with me? “But you only liked Christian guys back then.”
She stares at me for a moment. “You seem to think that because I’m religious, I’m a different species than you. You know that I’m not really an angel, right? Even before I decided to break out of purity culture, I had human desires like everyone else. I wanted you. I was crazy horny for you, but it very quickly became much deeper than that.” Her voice grows hushed. “I fell in love with your heart. You made me see that people can be good without Jesus. My faith might never have evolved if not for you.”
My chest seizes, and I avert my gaze from hers. Oh God, she really loves me. How is this happening? Am I in heaven? “So…you loved me as I was back then?” I exhale a shaky breath. “You didn’t want me to change?”
“It was so much deeper than that. I thought you were designed for me by God. There was no way I could love you so much if you weren’t going to become a Christian someday, but I didn’t really think it would change you. You were already everything I wanted, just by being you.”
I nod slowly as adrenaline pulses through my veins. Oh God, if only I had known this during my last few weeks at that church. Those were some of the most miserable days of my life. That was when I finally realized that I could never be with her. I would have fallen into despair if I hadn’t rationalized my way out of it. I still had her. Maybe I couldn’t get everything I wanted, but I got enough to sustain myself, and what I had was a sure thing. She would never abandon me as long as we were just friends.
I held on to that comfort so fiercely that I refused to see it for what it really was—a delusion that provided a shield for the true despair.
The despair of believing her feelings would never match mine. How could they when I had so much evidence to the contrary? I loved her from the moment I met her, just as she is, but she wouldn’t even consider me unless I completely transformed. I was cursed to live like my mom, waiting for someone to love me when they never would, at least not in the way that I needed.
Oh God, I’ve been so wrong.
And so stupid.
“As you can see,” she says, “I’ve been on hold for you for many years.”
“Why did you never say anything?” My voice is a croak.
“As long as I kept it a secret, I could lie to myself that eventually you would realize you love me too.” She glances down at the crumpled blanket on the bed and smooths it out with her palm. “But I’m not that weak anymore. I don’t need to lie to myself.” She meets my gaze. “I’m done waiting for you.
You made your choice, and it doesn’t work for me. We can’t be just friends anymore.”
A buzzing sounds in my ears. Her face shifts for a moment, like she’s someone else. This can’t really be happening. She couldn’t have really said that.
“Um…” My head grows heavy. I shut my eyes for a moment to fight the dizziness. “What?”
Her brow furrows. “Oh, Cole. I know this is really hard for you. I’m so sorry.”
Holy fuck, is she comforting me? Did she just take away my entire world and tell me she’s sorry that I’m alone now?
“Livvy,” I say, my voice shaky. “Are you really saying what I think you’re saying?”
Her eyes grow glassy. “I have to do what’s best for me, as much as it breaks my heart. Going back to our old friendship would break my heart every day.” Her voice cracks, and she inhales an unsteady breath. I walk over to the bed and hold out my arms, but she lifts both hands. “No, I can’t be touched by you right now.”
“Livvy…” It’s a plea.
“You’ll be okay.”
Several tears fall down her cheeks, and I wish I could lift them back into her eyes. Why can’t we go back to five minutes ago, before we said words that changed everything?
“We’ll both be okay,” she says.
“No, I won’t!”
“You will. It’ll be hard at first but healthier for both of us in the long run. You’re too dependent on me emotionally, and I’m too much of a doormat with you.”
“You’re not a doormat! You own me. If you want a relationship, you can have it. You can have anything you want. I’ll worship you for the rest of my life. If I had any idea I was going to lose you, I would have said that from the beginning.”
Her lips quiver as she nods. “That’s the problem. Our relationship is whatever suits you best in the moment. You want to keep me in your life, and you’re willing to do something you don’t want to do—”
“I do want it!” My throat constricts, and I swallow to ease it. “I love you. I’ve been madly in love with you since the day we met.”
She purses her lips, not looking at all affected by my confession, and it makes me want to burst out of my skin.
“Cole, you’re saying that in a moment of desperation.”
I inhale a deep, shaky breath, trying to get my rapid heartbeat under control. “Yes, I’m desperate, but it’s also true. I promise you it’s true. I’ve been in denial about it. It was the only way I could keep you in my life without wanting to die for never being able to really have you.”
“You can really have me, though.” Her voice is brittle. “You just did, and you rejected me immediately afterward. My heart is broken. If you supposedly feel the same way, how can you not understand that?”
I raise both hands in the air. “I’m a fucking idiot! I was just scared that I might lose you. If not now, maybe a few months from now…or years…and that’s fucking terrifying!”
Her lips purse. “I was scared too, but not too scared to take the risk. Not after what we just shared.”
Oh God, she said something like that a few days ago. “You can’t have real love without risk. ”
How the fuck am I going to make her believe me?
“Livvy, please…” My voice cracks. “You’re my entire world, and it feels like that world is ending right now…”
Her eyes are full of compassion, as they usually are when I’m upset, but she hasn’t touched me once. She hasn’t set her hand on my arm and squeezed it.
Oh God, she’s already leaving me. She’s already fading away, like if I reached out in touched her, my hand would sink through.
“It isn’t healthy for me to be your entire world, and what good does it do me if you aren’t willing to truly be with me?”
“I am!” I hate how desperate I sound.
“Because you see it as your only option.” She takes a shaky breath. “But it’s not even that.”
“Oh God, Livvy.” A trickle runs down my cheek. “Please…” My throat closes over. Please don’t leave me. I’ll do anything to keep you.
“I’m so sorry.” Our gazes hold for a moment before her expression grows remote. She glances around the room. “I need to leave before I break down. Would you mind turning around while I get dressed?”
I stare at her for a moment, her words not computing. Why do I need to turn around?
Oh my God, in the span of minutes, I’ve lost the right to see her naked. I had everything a moment ago, and it’s gone now.
By doing everything in my power to keep her in my life, I lost her.
I nod slowly before turning around, and it’s like the lights shut off in my head. The next thing I know, she’s saying goodbye with that gray duffel bag at her side, and I’m nodding in response, unable to speak. She disappears from my room and the front door shuts, but the sound is coming from faraway.
The walls of my room become close and oppressive. I have to get out of here. I glance at the baseball on the bed, and in the next moment, it’s flying into the window, shattering the glass.
LIVVY
THE DRIVEWAY IS empty when I pull into it. Thank God, my parents are gone, but hopefully Vanessa is home. I allow myself one last heaving sob before taking a deep breath and stepping out of the car.
I did everything right. I asked for what I wanted and stood up for myself when I didn’t get it, and that’s something to be proud of.
The despair will fade. This ache in my chest is a physical pain, and I want to rush back to his house to ease it. I want to wrap my arms around him and tell him I’ll take whatever I can get, but those are just fleeting emotions and desires.
My will is stronger than they are.
I rush inside the house and up the stairs. Vanessa’s bedroom door is shut, which is a good sign she’s home. I only have to knock twice before she opens it.
“What happened?” she asks.
I can’t talk about it with her yet. “Do you have a lighter?”
Her brows draw together. “I have a stick lighter for my candles.”
“Grab it and meet me in the backyard.”
She stares at me a moment before nodding. I reach into my bag, sifting my hand around until I find the frayed paper at the top.
Minutes later, we’re both out on the back porch. I unfold the letter to my future husband and stare it for a moment. Something about the curling letters causes my eyes to prickle. Thirteen-year-old me tried so hard to make this as pretty as I could, because it meant something to me. I loved it. I love it even now, and there’s something hauntingly melancholy about loving something that I was coerced into believing, something I didn’t even understand.
“I’m guessing it didn’t go well…” Vanessa’s soft voice pulls me out of my head.
“No.”
After nodding faintly, she looks away. She’d never say anything resembling “I told you so”
because she’s far too empathetic, and she knows how deeply troubled I am, but she’s thinking it. She’s thinking this is why girls should save themselves for their husbands. This is why sex before marriage is wrong. When you step outside of the boundaries, you only get hurt. I thought the same things at her age.
I want to tell her that nothing can protect her from heartache, not even God. I want to tell her that all the methods she’s using to guard her heart and purity may one day become their own source of pain and grief and guilt. Instead, I light the stick lighter and hold it to my letter.
It takes a moment to catch. A small flame forms and spreads, traveling slowly upward. The fire and ash twist and curl, dancing around the paper as they pull it into oblivion. Before the heat reaches my fingers, I toss the small remains on the concrete and stomp on it.
“There,” I say. “I’m done with purity culture, and I’m done with Cole. My future is unwritten, and that’s exciting.”
“Is it?” Vanessa asks, looking a little bewildered, probably because I’m acting so strangely.
“No.” I sigh. “Not at the moment, but I have hope.”
