“ARE YOU NERVOUS?” Mari asks as we park on the stone-tile drive of Cole’s parents’ house.
I sigh. “I’m so nervous I feel like I have to pee, and I just peed right before we left.”
She chuckles as she unbuckles her seatbelt. “I’m pretty sure Cole is going to be as giddy as a kid on Christmas morning when you ask him, but I understand. It’s scary when you don’t know exactly how he feels.” She turns to me, her expression growing stern. “But you’re not going to pine over him if he says no. Be thankful he’s a hot guy, and hot guys have hot friends. If things go bad tonight, I already have a plan. I’m going to get you nice and drunk, and I’ll have your first make-out partner lined up and ready to go in no time.”
I smile sadly. “That’s sweet of you.”
But pointless. If Cole says no, I’ll be too dejected for anything other than going home and writing about it in my journal. I’ll have to start my hunt for someone else after I’ve had some time to recover.
When she steps out of the car, I take a deep, calming breath before following her. We walk around the side of the house until we spot a group of people at the edge of the property, near Cole’s guesthouse.
“I’m going to go find us a drink,” Mari says before turning toward the keg on the patio.
I glance around, looking for Cole. Tall as he is, it takes me only a moment before I spot him. He’s standing near the Koi pond with a red cup in his hand and is surrounded by a few girls I vaguely remember from high school. One of them looks like she’s in the middle of telling a story. She gestures wildly while she talks, and Cole’s eyes are fixed on her face. Riveted.
Goodness, she’s so pretty. They always are. Pretty and outgoing, just like him.
I take a deep breath. I can do this. I don’t have to be the textbook shy girl who stands silently in a group conversation, patiently waiting for a turn to talk that will never come—that she’ll never take, even if it does.
I can be bold.
Boldness is a choice, not a feeling.
I walk steadily in his direction, trying to make my strides large and confident. As if sensing my presence, he looks in my direction. His eyes widen for a moment before his ruggedly handsome face melts into an almost boyish smile. Goodness, he’s so beautiful, with his broad shoulders and square jaw and those kind brown eyes. He’s everything I was taught to want in a husband—strong and confident on the outside, but soft and caring within.
That’s where the delusion started. I’d been so sure that I couldn’t love him so much, that he couldn’t be the embodiment of all my husband fantasies, if God weren’t trying to tell me we were meant to be.
It’s sad.
So sad.
As soon as I get close, he opens his arms wide. I quicken my steps and am startled when he pulls me into a tight embrace. He hums as his mouth grazes my head.
Wow. This is different. He rarely hugs me like this, and it tugs at that familiar ache in my belly.
“I missed you,” he whispers.
“I missed you too.”
“Never again. We’re never doing long distance ever again.” He squeezes me so tightly that I can’t take a breath for a moment. Goodness, he’s in a strange mood.
When he finally lets me go, I smile up at him. “I don’t know if LA to Santa Barbara could really be called a long distance.” Because we’re not in a relationship, I add silently.
“Well, it was too long for me.” He sets his hand on my shoulder before turning to the two girls.
“Do you guys remember my best friend, Livvy? She was a year behind us at San Marcos.”
One of the girls only nods, but the vivacious one who was telling a story earlier grins mischievously at me before looking at Cole. “I remember you punching Zac in the face for hugging Livvy, and then getting suspended from the baseball team for it.”
An adorable little smile tugs at Cole’s lips. “Yeah, I was a little overprotective of her, but that particular story gets wilder every year since we graduated. I swear by our ten-year reunion, it’ll be that I beat him within an inch of his life and went to jail for it. I didn’t even punch him. I shoved him a little bit.”
“Not a little bit,” I say. “You shoved him really hard.”
He narrows his eyes playfully on my face before turning to the other two. “For the record, it was much more than a hug. He was getting handsy with her, and she didn’t like it. I was really just trying to push him away, and I didn’t mean to do it that hard.”
“Zac wasn’t being that handsy,” I say to the girls and then grin saucily at Cole. When his eyes widen, my stomach flutters.
I think I’m actually flirting, and in front of a group of people!
“I believe her side of the story, Cole,” the vivacious girl says.
He shakes his head. “Your loyalty goes out the window if someone gets hurt.” He turns to the girls. “She only gets mad at me when I hurt someone, even if it’s only their feelings. I remember one time she wouldn’t talk to me for two days straight because she thought I’d hurt Noah’s feelings, and she’d never even talked to the guy. I had to send this long text apology to him, which was awkward as fuck, but that was the only way she’d talk to me again, and—” he turns to me, and his eyes grow hooded, “—how did Noah respond to my apology, Livvy?”
I smile sheepishly. “He said he didn’t have any idea what you were talking about.”
“Yep, that’s right. You wouldn’t talk to me for two days over imaginary hurt feelings.”
I purse my lips. “I still think he was too embarrassed to admit he was hurt. I saw the look on his face when you teased him.”
His eyes widen, but his grin stays fixed. “I can’t believe you. You will die on this hill. Almost five years later, you’re still protecting a guy you don’t even know for something he wasn’t even upset about.”
“Sensitive people don’t always say what they feel. I almost never speak up for myself when someone hurts me. For some reason, it’s easier to speak up for other people.”
Cole’s expression softens. “That’s why so many people trust you even when they aren’t super close to you. They know you’ll have their back no matter what. You’re an angel.”
Something about the way he says “angel” makes warmth wash over my whole body. He often calls me an angel, and I’ve never particularly liked it. It usually makes me feel like even more of a boring goody-goody than I know I am, but the way he said it this time…with heat and darkness in his voice.
Goodness, he really is in a strange mood.
Something happened today. He’s upset, and he needs affection.
Cole looks beyond my shoulder. “I think we bored them with our reminiscing.”
My head darts to the side, and I see the two girls have drifted slightly away from us and are now engaged in their own conversation.
“Reminiscing isn’t really fun unless you’re a part of it,” I say.
“It’s okay. I really just want to hang out with you anyway.”
My stomach flutters. I just want to hang out with him too. I’m never more happy than when it’s just the two of us.
“Is something going on?” I ask. “You seem kind of down.”
His face falls, and he lifts his red cup to his lips. “Just shit with my parents, as usual.”
I nod slowly. “Is it about your new job? That you have to work for your dad soon, I mean?”
“We can talk about it later. I want to hear your news fir—”
“Livvy!”
I jerk in response to Mariana’s voice. She walks in our direction with a guy at her side, and I narrow my gaze on his face. He looks familiar. It’s only when he’s a few feet away that I recognize him as an old church friend.
“Cole,” Mariana calls out as she reaches us. “How did I not know before now that you’re friends with Travis? Livvy and I grew up with him. He went to our church.”
Cole’s brows draw together, and something that looks like panic fills his eyes. His head snaps in my direction. “Did you come here with Travis?”
I frown. “No…”
“No, I just ran into him,” Mari says.
I notice Cole’s shoulders soften at that.
What is going on?
Mari turns to me, pulling Travis’s arm. “Livvy, I think there’s a lot of potential here.” She lowers her voice so only I can hear her and adds, “He’s a Christian who fucks.”
I shoot wide eyes at her even as a smile rises to my lips. “Mari!” I admonish before glancing at Travis, who’s smiling at me.
“She told me you’ve never gotten drunk before,” he says, “and you’re looking to have a drunken make-out session. I just want you to know that I’m here for you.” His smile grows as he reaches out his hand for me to shake.
I reluctantly take it, resisting the urge to laugh at Mari’s tactics. I’m pretty sure this is more of an attempt to rattle Cole than to find me someone to kiss.
“What are you talking about?” Cole asks, his voice much firmer than it was before.
Mari shoots me a knowing smile before glancing at Cole. “Has she told you her news yet?”
“No, she hasn’t.” His eyes are hard when he turns to me. “Do you want to go somewhere private so we can talk?”
It sounds like much more of a command than a question. I shoot Mari an exasperated look, and she gives me a small, cheeky smile back.
“Yeah, let’s go,” I say.
“Good luck,” Mari mouths as Cole and I start walking in the direction of the guesthouse.
“Is she wasted?” Cole asks. “Why would she tell Travis you want to have a drunken make-out session?”
I exhale. “I’ll tell you when we get inside.”
He halts in his tracks and turns around, his tall form hovering over me. “So there’s some truth to it? What is going on?”
The alarm has returned to his voice, and it softens something inside my chest. His tone reminds me of my sister today on the beach. It’s disorienting when the people we love change, even when those changes don’t directly affect us.
Still, if he’s this freaked out over some drunken kissing, how is he going to react when I ask him to take my virginity?
I take a deep breath. “You know how I’ve been struggling with some aspects of my faith?”
“Yeah…” He doesn’t sound any less alarmed.
“Well, the bulk of it is really just the purity part. I don’t think it’s healthy for me. I’ve come to see the word ‘pure’ as loaded and toxic. It implies that I’m tainted if I explore my sexuality.”
“I’ve always kind of thought that, but—” He closes his mouth and averts his gaze from mine.
“Sorry, I shouldn’t say things like that.”
A warm smile rises to my lips. He’s always been so gracious about my religion, even the more extreme aspects it. Before I met him, I thought atheists were devil worshippers. The respect he’s showed for my faith marvels me.
“It’s okay to agree with me,” I say. “It doesn’t mean you don’t respect my religion.”
He nods slowly, his eyes growing absent as he glances around the lawn. “What does this mean?
Are you really going to…get drunk and make out with someone?”
“It’s more than that. I have a whole plan for this summer. I have so much fear associated with all of the things that normal college students do, like going to parties and kissing boys. I’ve decided I need to attack it head-on. I actually wrote a list.” It takes my fingers only a moment to find the crisp paper inside my purse. “Mari and Vanessa helped me with it.”
As I unfold the paper, his expression grows even more bewildered, but I press on. “These are all the things I plan to do by the end of the summer. I even set a deadline—September seventeenth. It’s the day before I start my senior year.”
I hand him the list so that I can let it do the explaining for me and spare me the embarrassment of having to say the last one aloud. Cole’s brows draw together as he takes it from my hand. His gaze darts over the paper, and my throat grows tight. What is he going to say when he sees the last item?
When his eyes nearly pop out of his skill, my stomach churns.
Here we go.
“Livvy, what is this?” His voice is quiet and oddly empty.
“I’m calling it my impurity contract.”
His chest rises and falls rapidly, and his nostrils flare. He opens his mouth and closes it. He shuts his eyes for a moment and takes a deep breath, as if collecting himself. When he speaks again, his voice is much gentler. “I know it must be hard being so sheltered. Having your first kiss and getting drunk seem completely reasonable, but losing your virginity? In three months?”
“It probably seems drastic to you—”
“Drastic? It’s fucking insane! How are you going from your first kiss to losing your virginity in three months? You don’t even have a boyfriend!”
Heat washes over my face and my chest. “You have sex all the time, and you don’t want to be in a relationship at all.”
He takes another deep breath, lifts both hands, and runs his fingers through his dark hair. “That’s different.”
He’s clearly upset, so I won’t call him out on the unfairness of the double standard. I won’t tell him how even though his protectiveness warms me, it sometimes makes me feel like a child. Instead, I stand in silence, giving him a moment to calm down.
“How did this happen?” he eventually asks. “You’ve been adamant about saving yourself for marriage for as long as I can remember.”
I keep my voice very soft. “A lot of my adamancy came from fear, I think. Fear of being tainted, of disappointing God and my future husband. But I don’t think I can marry a man who only wants me if I’m pure, even if he was raised the way I was.”
He nods slowly.
“I want to live a full life,” I say. “I don’t want to deprive myself of experiences out of fear. I’m about to start my last year of college, and I want to live like every other college student. Like you and Zac and Mari do.”
“So is this like Rum-something? I can’t remember what it’s called. The thing Amish people do?”
“Um…” My brow knits. “Do you mean Rumspringa?” I clench my teeth to keep from smiling, not wanting to shame him for lumping all Christian religions together. How would I expect an atheist to understand the nuances? “That’s not something evangelicals do.”
“I know, but is it similar? Like, are you planning on getting all of this out of your system before you settle back into your religion?”
“No, it’s not like that at all. My faith is evolving. I’m still a Christian, just a different kind than I was raised to be.”
“Okay, but why are you doing it like this?” He lifts my contract. “Why not just wait until you find a guy you really like. A Christian guy who’s in the same place as you. Someone who believes in God but doesn’t want to wait until marriage either. Then you can get to know each other and go through these things at a normal pace.”
“No, that won’t work. I’ve already missed out on so much of college life, and I refuse to start my senior year still a virgin. It’s time to face my fears. If I take it slow, I’ll never do it. I’ll end up waiting until I’m married to have sex, not because I want to, but because it’s the easiest route.” I point to the paper in his hand. “These things shouldn’t be scary or shameful, but they are to me, and with that fear comes all this baggage. Cole, I can’t even masturbate without feeling guilty afterward.”
His gaze snaps to my face, and his eyes grow wide. Even in the dusk, I can make out the brush of pink over his cheekbones.
I lower my gaze to the lawn. “Sorry if that makes you uncomfortable.”
“No, it’s okay.” His voice has a raspy quality to it, and it makes me want to shrink inside myself.
Jesus, help me, how am I going to ask him to take my virginity when he gets this awkward over hearing me say I masturbate.
“Livvy.” His tone is as firm as it’s been since we started this conversation. “This isn’t the way.”
My gaze snaps up. “What do you mean?
“I mean, doing all this before mid-September is a bad idea. You need to take it much, much slower.” He crosses his arms over his chest and stares down at me with hard dark eyes. “I won’t
stand by and let you do something I know is going to make you miserable.”
My jaw clenches. I shouldn’t be upset. I knew Cole would do this at some point. He has a commanding disposition in general, but he’s especially bossy with me. I can’t blame him.
I’m an easy target.
I hate what his bossiness stirs within me. I hate that my first instinct is to submit to him. With effort, I lift my chin. “Why is that for you to decide? Why isn’t it enough for me to say this is right for me?”
His hard expression softens before he shuts his eyes. “I just don’t want you to get hurt.”
I set my hand on his arm. “I appreciate that you’re looking out for me, but I need you to trust me.”
His eyes pop open. “How is this right for you when you’re so shy? I intentionally kept this party really small—” he gestures over my shoulder, “—because I didn’t want you to be overwhelmed. How are you going to lose your virginity to a guy you barely know?”
Heat breaks out along my neck. It’s time to ask him, even if I’m dreading his response. “I was actually thinking of asking someone I know really well.”
His eyes widen in a look that could almost be described as horror, and then he looks away from me. “You mean you have someone in mind already?”
“Yeah.” My voice is faint.
The bulge on his throat rises and falls unsteadily. “Someone from your old church?”
“No.”
Jesus, help me. It’s now or never.
“Cole, I’m talking about you.”
