A HEAVINESS SETTLES over my body, hushing the world around me. For a moment, there’s only her. Those soft brown eyes that somehow had the power to make me feel safe and loved even when I hardly knew her. That plump pink mouth that I’ve had to train myself to never look at too long. I’m brought back to those heady moments years ago when I thought this angel could actually be mine.
How is this happening? How did everything shift in the span of five minutes?
For so long, she’s been out of reach. I had to bury the idea we could be together and force myself never to revisit it, or else our friendship would never work. You can’t pine for someone who can never truly be yours, not if you want them in your life long term.
I don’t just want her, I need her.
But in a sexual way, she’s not for me. She’s a Christian, and she’d only ever be with another Christian, and not the kind who simply believes in God and goes to church every Sunday, but someone whose faith colors every aspect of their life. The type of Christian I couldn’t pretend to be even if I wanted to.
I did try, long ago.
As much as this difference between us felt like a tragedy at one time, it’s exactly as it should be. If she were willing to be with an atheist, she’d be gone by now. I would have snatched her up the minute I saw her. Our relationship would have been heaven at first, steady happiness for a while, and then it would have gone sour, like all relationships inevitably do. She’d be only a memory right now, instead of the most precious and dependable thing in my life.
I can’t do this.
I cannot do this.
But, oh God, why does it have to be so hard to say no? I’ve never been able to fully put out that flicker of need for her, despite all my efforts, and now it’s consuming my whole body like a wildfire.
I want to pull her to the ground, shove myself inside her, and never come out again.
“Livvy,” I say, only able to manage a whisper.
When she holds up a hand, I wince. She’s going to try to convince me.
“Just hear me out before you say no.”
I sigh, shutting my eyes tightly. God, I need a moment. I’m too raw right now. “Okay.”
“I know it’s probably hard for you to see me in a sexual way.”
If I wasn’t so riled up, I would laugh. What would she think if she knew the depravity of my thoughts? From the moment she first told me about her bizarre purity pledge, I’ve fantasized about breaking it.
She’d be terrified.
“I know you’re probably thinking it would ruin our friendship or make things awkward between us, but I really don’t think it will. Not if we approach it methodically. This isn’t strictly about sex.
This is about you helping me do something that I’m afraid of. You’re the best person to do it, because I trust you so much.”
Fuck. How am I going to tell her no when she phrases it like that? I love having her unflinching trust. I’ve worked hard over the years to show her I’m worthy of it.
“Cole, I know you’re freaking out, but listen. Think about this like…” Her gaze grows unfocused.
“It’s like I’m afraid of heights, so I want to get over my fear by going on a rollercoaster, but the only way I could get myself to do that is if my best friend, who makes me feel safe, goes on it with me. It’s not about sex, it’s about helping me, and you’re the perfect person to do it, because you have sex all the time. You’re the type of person who’s comfortable having sex with people you aren’t—”
“You don’t know what type of person I am!” I can’t stop myself from raising my voice. “You don’t know anything about sex. You don’t know what I’ll be like. You don’t even know what you’ll be like.
You know nothing.”
When she flinches, I hate myself. Goddamn it, temptation is stretching my composure thin. I take a deep breath and release it slowly. My voice is much gentler when I speak again. “You don’t know how you’ll feel, because you have no experience. People have a certain…” I shut my eyes for a moment, searching for the right word. Fuck, it’s so hard to talk about this stuff with her when she’s so damned innocent. “People have a certain style. When they have sex, I mean. Not everyone likes the same things. Just based on what I know about you, I don’t think you and I would like the same things, and even if I tried to do it how you’ll probably like it, people can get kind of… You can lose yourself in the moment. Do you have any idea what I’m trying to say?”
Her expression grows a little exasperated. “I’m not completely ignorant. I told you I masturbate, and my fantasies can sometimes get a little…wild when I’m really getting into it—”
“Okay, um…” I lift a hand while using the other to adjust the waistband of my jeans as discreetly as possible. “Can we just stick the issue?”
Her brow furrows. “How was I not talking about the issue?”
“I mean, let’s just talk about you and me, and what this would mean for us.”
“Why do you get so awkward whenever I try to talk about anything sexual? Do you find me repulsive?”
I shut my eyes tightly, inwardly begging my racing pulse to slow down. Fucking Jesus Christ, what did I do to deserve this? “Of course not,” I rasp. “You’re a beautiful girl.”
“Then why is it so hard for you to imagine having sex with me?”
It’s not. Oh God, it’s not at all. The only hard thing about it is in my pants, and it’s about to make me give in if she doesn’t stop trying to convince me. I have to stop this now.
“Because I’m worried it might change things between us,” I burst out. “I’m worried that I’ll scare you, and you’ll never be able to see me the same way again.”
“Why do you get to decide what will scare me?” She’s as close to yelling as I’ve ever seen her.
“Why does your sexual experience make you more of an expert on how I would feel than I am?”
I exhale heavily, lowering my gaze to the grass. “It doesn’t. The truth is, neither of us know how things would change if we do this, and forgive me if I don’t want to be your science experiment.”
I ought to tell her the real reason—the true fear. I’m afraid you’ll fall in love with me. I’m afraid I’ll fall in love with you. Once that happens, we’ll be on a path toward destruction. She could never understand. She’s too naive to realize that romantic love is really just intense sexual desire in disguise. And desire always fades.
When the warmth of her hand touches my arm, my stomach jolts.
God, her touch feels so good. Why does it have to feel so good? Why does the only person in the world who makes me feel safe and happy also have to ignite me like this?
“I don’t want you to feel that way,” she says. “That makes it sound like I’m using you.”
I set my hand on top of hers, relishing her warmth for one brief moment before I let it go. “I know you’re not using me, and I want to be able to help you with all of this, but it’s a huge deal. It’s not something I can just decide on without thinking about it.”
“I don’t want you to rush it. Take all the time you need to think about it.”
I grunt. Somehow, I’ve gone from a definitive “no” to thinking about it, all in the span of a few minutes.
Oh God, how am I going to resist her?
I don’t think she should be doing any of this in the first place. She’s not ready. Her idiot parents sheltered her to the point of ignorance. Mari and I have tried to fill in the gaps, but it’s been hard when Livvy gets so nervous and clammed up when we get too explicit about some of our own sexual experiences.
She’s so damned vulnerable. She shouldn’t be getting drunk and making out with strange guys, because she never learned how to protect herself.
I need to protect her.
“Look,” I say. “All I can do right now is promise to help you with your impurity contract. I’ll be there when you get drunk and high. I’ll stay sober to make sure you’re safe. If you want to have a
drunken make-out session…” I grit my teeth. “I can be nearby in case the guy tries something with you, something that makes you uncomfortable.”
When she looks like she’s fighting a smile, I frown. “What?”
“That’s fine as long as you don’t scare him away.”
“I wouldn’t do that.”
Her smile grows. “You have done it in the past.”
“Only because I knew you didn’t want it.”
“You’ve scared away guys for just talking to me.”
My cheeks grow hot. “They weren’t Christians. Until now, you didn’t want any attention from guys who weren’t Christians.”
“I never said that.”
“Well, you’ve told me plenty of other things, and I read between the lines. I didn’t want you to get any unwanted attention.”
“I know.” She smiles warmly. “You’re such a caring friend. Thank you for helping me with my contract, even if you don’t agree with it.”
For a moment, our gazes hold. God, she’s so beautiful. So damned beautiful and sweet. I could keep myself in check and give her the kind of first time she wants. I could light candles, kiss her softly, push into her slowly and—
No.
I don’t want vanilla sex with her, and I could never be satisfied with only a small slice of heaven.
I’m too greedy for her touch after years of deprivation. I want to lick her for hours, pulling away just before she comes. I want to spank her for all the times she made me hard against my will, like she did a moment ago. And when she’s ready to be a good girl, I’ll slam into her tightness and tell her that I own her now.
Fuck.
I can’t let myself imagine it. This is how I used to think years ago, and it’s dangerous.
“Can we start tomorrow?” she asks.
“Tomorrow?” My voice is a rasp.
Her brow furrows. “With my contract. Mari and I are going shopping to buy me some cute outfits.
You know, so I can dress slutty.” When she says the last word in an almost whispered voice, I almost laugh. She’s so sheltered, she still can barely even say sex-related words. How does she think she’s going to lose her virginity in three months?
She’s probably not really going to do it. She didn’t even want to spend the night in my apartment that time she came down with a fever during her visit to LA. Even with a 101 temperature, she still tried to insist on making the hour and a half drive home at the end of the day. If I hadn’t called her parents and gotten them on my side, she probably would have. That was barely over a year ago.
She couldn’t have changed this much in a year. I’m probably freaking out for nothing.
“And then we’re planning on going out to the bars tomorrow night,” she says. “Can you come? I’m hoping if I get drunk, I’ll be able to loosen up enough to start flirting and maybe even make out with a guy.”
When her face lights up, I want to hit something. Oh God, I don’t like this. I don’t even like hearing her say it.
“I can do that.” I manage a small smile, but then I look at her sternly. “I’ll be ordering all your drinks and keeping an eye on them all night. And you won’t be going off anywhere by yourself. Not your first time drinking.”
Her lips form a little mocking pout. “Yes, Daddy.”
I snort. That’s yet another innocent thing she does. She says things that are completely innocuous to her but highly sexual to a filthy bastard like me. Without fail, it makes my dick twitch.
“Do you think you can come help me pick out a dress, too?” she asks. “I know Mari is going to try to get me to show off my whole chest no matter what, because she’s really trying to get me out of my shell, and I feel like you might be a good foil for her.”
I frown. “How so?”
“Well, I think you’ll tell me if a dress is too much. If it shows off way more of my boobs than most girls do when they go out.”
I clench my jaw. “You want me to look at dresses and tell you if they show off too much of your boobs?”
Her expression shutters. “I mean, if that’s too awkward for you—”
“No, no,” I interrupt. “It’s not awkward. I’m happy to do it.”
A half-truth. Unfortunately, the part of me that’s happy to do it might also compel me to give her an impulsive, “Yes, I’ll have sex with you,” at the sight of those big, beautiful, and probably soft—
Fuck, I’m doing it again.
When I lift my gaze, she’s staring up at me probingly.
“What?” I ask.
“I have one more thing to ask you.” She sucks in both lips before letting them out of her mouth slowly. “Would it be too weird for you to give me my first kiss?”
The question is soft and timid, and it makes me hot everywhere. Why am I being tortured like this?
Still, it’s just one kiss, and it’s her first. A primitive part of me wants to have it, even if I can never have anything else. Given her inexperience, it probably won’t even be much of a kiss. Just a peck.
I can handle a peck.
I smile warmly at her. “Sure.”
When she pouts her lips slightly, a prickle of foreboding spreads over my skin. Just looking at that full mouth makes me want to pull her to the ground.
I take a deep, shaky breath before stepping forward. She’s so tiny that I have to lower my head
quite a bit to bring my face close to hers. When our lips are inches apart, I set my hand gently on her cheek and trail it down.
That’s a mistake.
The warmth of her skin sends an electrical charge into my gut and propels me to crash my mouth against hers. She doesn’t kiss me back right away, but she parts her lips, and, oh God, they’re so soft.
As soft and sweet as a marshmallow. I nibble at them a few times before slipping my tongue inside her mouth.
Her tongue is heaven against mine, even when she doesn’t move it. You need to stop now. You’ll lose yourself if you don’t. I’m just about to force myself to pull away when she ignites.
She kisses me back, her tongue massaging mine. She doesn’t know what she’s doing. This is far too aggressive for a first kiss, probably because she’s trying to do what she thinks is right. Jesus Christ, I’m going to explode. I grip her shoulders and pull her small, plump body against mine, relishing all that delicious softness.
When she releases a quiet little hum, I grind my hips against her. Oh God, I want to plunder her. I want to shove her against that tree behind us, yank down her pants, and—
Fuck.
I grip her shoulders and shove her away, turning around while I catch my breath. When I lift a hand to run it through my hair, my gaze is drawn to my fingers.
I’m shaking.
I’m actually shaking…from a kiss.
When I turn around, her lips are wet and pink, and the sight of them sends a fire into my belly.
God, I need to get away from her soon, before I’m compelled to do it again.
“That was a really good kiss,” she says with a sweet little smile.
The sight of her slightly disheveled hair and big trusting brown eyes makes me want to burst out of my skin. Why does she have to be so tempting?
I can’t do this. Not if I want her in my life long term. Not if I want her forever.
I have to resist her.
AHHHHHHH I LOVE THIS BOOK SO MUCH!!!!!