AOIFE
THE MID-MORNING HEAT, emanating from the relentless sun, was stifling, causing what little makeup I had managed to apply that morning to sweat down my face. Summer had well and truly arrived in Ballylaggin, bringing with it green trees, freshly cut silage, and bittersweet goodbyes.
Unperturbed by everything but the blond in the suit, I kept my eyes trained on his back, as he stood at his mother’s graveside. I felt an unbearable urge to protect the boy that had been thrust into manhood several years before today. It was a yearning so strong it almost rivaled the one I felt for the child growing inside of my womb.
His child.
The only time I had left his side was that morning, when I reluctantly went home to change for the service. I’d even showered at the Kavanagh’s house, in the ensuite bathroom attached to Joey’s room. It was the only way I could get him in there. To hold him and wash him and stay with him the entire time.
That designer suit he was rocking. Yeah, I’d dressed him in it before I left this morning.
Entirely alone in his thoughts, in his pain, my boyfriend remained rigid at the graveside. Long after his mother was lowered into the ground, and the other Lynch children had dispersed, Joey continued to stand vigil, still trying to protect her, even in death.
It broke my heart because I knew she had put more holes in Joey than his bastard of a father ever had. There was a Marie-Lynch-sized hole in my boyfriend’s heart that no amount of loving could heal.
God knows I’d tried.
She didn’t deserve Joey’s unconditional love, not when she had never loved him the way he deserved. Yet she had always received it anyway. Maybe it was the pregnancy hormones elevating my frazzled emotions and causing me to think more irrationally than usual, but I was so fucking angry with her. Her death, as horrible and unspeakable as it had been, didn’t absolve her of the sins she had committed against her children when she was alive.
Those sins which had left her second-born son’s heart almost unsalvageable.
All he ever wanted was her love.
And she never gave that to him.
Bitterly sad for all they had lost, I looked around, knowing that the other Lynch children would be okay in the long term. Darren would return to the life he had built for himself in Belfast, while Shannon and the three younger boys had the Kavanaghs to care for them. It wouldn’t be easy, with plenty of teething pains along the way, but they would adapt.
They sure as hell had a better chance now.
That left my Joe.
The one shipping himself out of his family.
Shipping himself out of Ballylaggin.
Out of my life.
He had checked himself into a rehabilitation center up the country. The Kavanaghs, once realizing how severe his addiction was, had offered to finance it, and in a rare moment of clarity, Joey had signed the papers.
When his mother’s funeral service ended, he was leaving.
For the whole summer.
Maybe forever.
Fuck.
Don’t think like that, Aoif.
Last night, when he questioned whether he was doing the right thing by going, I had fiercely supported and encouraged his decision, even though it broke my heart to do it.
He needed to go.
And I needed to let him.
Exhaling a pained breath, I tightened my hold on the red rose I was fisting, and closed the space between us, ignoring all the curious stares and gawks I received in the process.
Some people knew.
More people didn’t.
Truth be told, I didn’t give a damn about what anyone thought. They could speculate all they wanted about the drastic weight gain I was attempting to conceal behind my black dress.
Fuck them all.
Not stopping until I was shoulder to shoulder with the only boy I had ever loved, I kept my eyes trained on his mother’s freshly dug grave and tossed the single rose inside before finally finding the courage to face him.
Keep it together, Aoif.
Don’t scare him off.
Don’t try anything stupid.
Sucking in a sharp breath when my eyes landed on his gaunt, beautiful face, I masked my devastation with a steely look of determination.
That was the thing about Joey Lynch; he couldn’t handle weakness.
It wrecked him.
He spent so much of his life caring for his family, fending for those weaker than him, that he didn’t have any room left for vulnerability.
He needed a strong partner.
Someone who could look after themselves.
Someone who didn’t need to be treated with kid gloves.
Enter Aoife.
“I told you not to come.”
No hello, Aoife, or anything.
Just blunt honesty.
He wanted to say goodbye this morning.
But I couldn’t do it.
I needed another minute.
Steeling my nerves, I arched a brow, burying down my insecurity and replacing it with feigned bravery. “And I told you to save your breath.”
“Aoif.” Pain encompassed his features and a shiver racked through his lean frame. “You shouldn’t be here. It’s not good for the—”
Baby.
Yeah, I knew all about the old piseog, another old wives’ tale.
Stare at the face of death, never feel your baby’s breath.
Thing was, I was more in love than I was superstitious.
“I don’t care,” I shot back defiantly. “As if I wasn’t going to come, Joe.”
We had been through hell and high water together.
I wasn’t about to let him bury his mother alone.
“Still.” His eyes continued to search mine, for what, I had no idea, but he seemed to find whatever it was, because he exhaled a sigh of what sounded like relief.
“So, are you ready?” I clasped my hands together to stop myself from reaching for him.
In truth, I wanted to snatch him up and lock him away in my bedroom.
So I could keep him safe.
So I wouldn’t be alone in this.
I forced a small smile before adding, “For what comes next?”
Lonesome green eyes seared something deep inside of my soul. “No.”
More blunt honesty.
“Good. Because neither am I.” Breath hitching in my throat, I wrapped my arms around my body, willing myself to be a stronger woman and not breakdown.
You can do this, Aoife.
You can let him go.
No, you can’t.
You can’t.
Don’t let him go!
“Molloy.”
“Just put your arms around me and hold me like you’re not going to see me for another three months,” I ordered hoarsely, needing him to not say anything that would shatter my barely held together resolve, as I walked into his arms.
Inhaling deeply, I noted the clean scent of him. Lynx, fresh air, and nothing else.
No alcohol or smoke.
God, he must be in so much pain right now…
‘Jesus.’ His lips moved to my hair, and like the habit of a lifetime, my trembling hands moved to hook the waistband of his trousers. “You don’t wait, do you hear me?”
His words infuriated me, but I didn’t respond.
How could I?
It was taking everything in me to hold it together.
I wouldn’t fall apart now.
Not here.
“You live your life, okay, Molloy?”
As if that was even an option.
I was pregnant with his baby, for Christ’s sake.
His comments only went to show how unattached from the real world he had become.
How badly his mind had slipped.
How utterly broken and irrational his thought process had become.
Another could mistake his words for selfishness, but it wasn’t true.
He was the least selfish person I knew.
He just wasn’t here mentally.
He had detached from reality.
“Just shut up, Joey Lynch.’ My voice cracked, and I clung to him, not daring to give into any notions of doubt I had that this wouldn’t work.
I couldn’t afford to think like that.
He was going to get better.
And then he was going to come home to me.
“I love you,” I squeezed out, clenching my eyes shut tightly.
“You shut up, Molloy,” came his broken reply, pressing a hard kiss to my forehead. I wanted to tattoo the feel of his lips on my skin, terrified that I would never feel it again. His hands moved from my shoulders to my neck, before settling on my cheeks. “I love you, too.”
“I’ll be here when you get out.” I knew I sounded pathetic, like another stupid woman putting her future on the line for a man, but I needed to give him hope.
‘Don’t be here.’ He leaned in and kissed me hard. ‘Be somewhere better.’
“I don’t take orders from you,” I breathed, lips moving against his. “You should know that by now.”
“Because you’re crazy stupid.” His lips, all swollen and busted up, brushed against mine as he spoke, “You’re wasting your life on me. You know this. Everyone keeps telling you, but you won’t listen—”
“Because it’s my life to waste,” I snapped, reaching up to grab the lapels of his suit jacket. Keeping my eyes clenched shut to keep the tears at bay, and trying for humor, I added, “Now, you get your sexy ass better and come home to me. Because I’m going to need you healthy, okay?”
That was the truth.
I needed him healthy.
Hell, I just needed him, period.
“Aoife.” Pain washed over his features. “I’m a bad bet.”
“Okay,” I repeated, not finding any comfort in his lack of confidence.
Oh god.
He doesn’t think that he could do it either.
“Yeah.” Nodding slowly, he stroked my nose with his, “Okay.”
“Now, give me a kiss and tell me you love me,” I instructed, cupping the back of his head. “And make it a good one.”
“You should have told me to fuck off,” he whispered, leaning in close. “All those years back when we were in first year.” His lips brushed mine once, twice. “I’ve loved you since then.” Another kiss. “From the first time I laid eyes on you, sitting on the wall with your blonde hair blowing around your face.” His tongue snaked out, teasing mine. “I just didn’t know it then.”
“Joe.”
“I know I’ve done you wrong, Molloy,” he quickly continued, seeming to stumble over his words as he tried to piece reality back together in the haze of withdrawal and grief. “But you’re the only one,” he continued to tell me, voice low, pained and urgent. “You were always the only one. My one. In the good times and the bad. I swear to Christ…” He cleared his throat and tipped his head towards the freshly dug grave beside us. “On her grave. I swear it. No matter how fucked up I ever got, I never touched another girl.” He shook his head again, blew out a pained breath, and said, “All of the crazy shit I did? Fucking around with Shane and the lads? The drugs? The fighting. All of it. It was never about me replacing you. It was about me replacing me.”
“You were sick, Joe,” I squeezed out, feeling my heart hammer violently against my ribcage, his words taking aim at my heart in a deliciously devastating new way. “I know that you never intended to hurt me with any of it.”
“But we both know that I did,” he answered gruffly. “Hurt you.”
I had no answer to that.
He had hurt me.
Worse than hurt me, I think he ruined me.
“I love you,” was the only thing I could say to justify my staying, as illogical as that sounded. It was all I had. And somehow, it had been enough to weather the storm with him. “I love you, Joe.”
“Joey,” Mrs. Kavanagh called out, causing us both to swing our gazes to where she was standing with who I knew were two rehab porters. ‘It’s time to go, love.’
No!
Don’t go.
Stay with me.
‘Yeah, I know, I’m coming,’ Joey replied, turning his attention back to me.
Don’t go! I wanted to scream, physically had to clasp a hand over my mouth to keep from blurting. Don’t leave me alone in this. I’m so fucking scared…
“I love you, queen. Always have and always will,” he continued to break me down by whispering. “There was only ever you for me. Stone cold sober or off my trolly, my head knows that.” Taking my hand in his, he pressed it to his chest before adding, “My heart knows that, too.’
‘Joe.’
‘I’ve done you wrong in so many ways, I couldn’t even begin to list them, but I would never do ya wrong like that. I have never done you wrong like that, okay? If I’ve given you nothing else these past few years, trust that I’ve given you fidelity. I never broke that promise, Molloy. Fucking never.’
‘Joe, I just want you to get better,’ I pleaded, clutching him with a death grip. ‘I need you too. So badly.’
‘Joey, it’s time to go,’ John Sr called out, sending another sucker punch to my gut.
‘Yeah, two secs,” he called back in a frustrated tone. “Fuck, Aoif, this is it, baby. I have to go.”
“Just a few more minutes,” I heard myself beg and a pained groan tore from his chest. “I’m sorry. It’s just hard.’
“It’s time to go, Joey, love.”
“Crap,” I strangled out, chest heaving from pressure. “Joe.”
“You look after yourself, ya hear?” he said, tone gravelly and thick with emotion. “Don’t be climbing any walls while I’m gone, Houdini.” Roughly clearing his throat, he pressed a hard kiss to my brow and then stepped back. “I’ll be seeing ya, Molloy.”
And then he was walking away from me.
Walking out of my life.
Leaving me behind.
I stood at his mother’s graveside and watched him go.
With my fingertips touching the locket around my neck, the one he’d given me for my eighteenth birthday, I watched them take him away.
I stood and watched, my heart cracking and splintering with every step he took.
And I had no control.
He was leaving me, and I didn’t know if he would ever come back.
Trying to be strong for the both of us, because God knows he needed someone to be strong for him, I smacked on the smile I had spent my whole life perfecting, and kept my eyes trained on his back, feeling like I seconds away from dying.
I couldn’t breathe.
The pain inside of me was stifling.
Several headstones separated us now, as death surrounded us in the most poignant way.
It was almost symbolic really.
We were in the place a person went to when their life ended as our relationship potentially ended.
Well, the cruel fucking irony of it all.
My world was falling down around me, and I was powerless to stop it.
No.
No.
No!
I couldn’t save him, I accepted that now, but the scary part was that I wasn’t sure anyone could. Underneath it all, he was the person I loved, and I still wanted to be with that person.
My flag was still stitched to his broken mast.
I had his baby growing inside of me, a baby I couldn’t think about raising alone, even though I knew there was a very high probability that I would have to.
I just wanted to make him better.
‘Promise me, Joe!’ I broke down and called out, crying hard, as I watched him walk away from me for what could potentially be the last time. “Promise me that you’ll come back for me!”
Weak girl.
Weak, weak, weak, fucking weak!
Shoulders stiffening, he stopped walking and turned back to me.
An expression of pain and frustration was etched on his face.
“Molloy.”
“Come back for me, Joe,” I cried out hoarsely, clutching my stomach. “Get better and come back for me…For your family.”
Looking shattered, he stared at me for the longest moment before nodding. “I’ll come back for you. For both of you.”
And then he was gone.
