AOIFE
EDEL KAVANAGH’S house was packed to the rafters with people when I stepped over the threshold an hour later with her and Sean.
Armed with an overnight bag filled with prenatal vitamins, spare clothes, and snacks, I followed after the woman who had taken mercy on my poor frazzled emotions, smiling and nodding at anyone who stopped to greet me. It wasn’t until we reached the sitting room and were greeted by Darren that I felt my hackles rise. He was sitting on the couch, tucked under the arm of who I presumed was his boyfriend Alex, as they spoke quietly to each other.
The minute his eyes landed on me; I felt the shift in the air.
The unwelcome feeling.
“Aoife.”
“Darren.”
“What did you do?” His attention flicked to Edel. “You know he doesn’t want to see her.”
Ouch.
I couldn’t hide how badly hearing that hurt me.
My sharp intake of breath was proof of that.
“Shannon has Johnny, and you have Alex,” Edel explained calmly, reaching out a hand to stroke my back reassuringly. “Joey has Aoife.”
“She’s not good for him right now.”
“I’ll show you something not good for you if you don’t shut up,” a little old lady ordered from her perch on an armchair by the fire. “The cheek of ya, laying down the law in this kind woman’s house.”
“But Nanny—”
“Don’t you but Nanny me,” she chastised, holding up a wrinkly finger. “You’re not too big for a clip around the ear, young man.”
I watched as she turned her attention to where I was standing and smiled. “Aoife.” Looking withered and worn from the knocks she had taken, but with kindness still shone from her eyes, she held out a hand to me. “It’s been too long.”
We’d only met a handful of times down through the years, but this woman meant a great deal to Joey, which meant that I held her in the highest regards.
“Hi, Nanny,” I replied, closing the space between us, attention flicking to her adorable, cloudy white perm. “I’m so sorry for your loss.”
“Come here to me and let me see you,” she instructed, catching hold of my hand in both of hers and squeezing. “One of my grandson’s tell me that you’re in the family way with another one of my grandsons.”
Jesus Christ.
I cast a scathing look in Darren’s direction before reluctantly nodding. “Listen, Joey really wanted to tell you about the baby himself, but his parents didn’t want the younger children finding out, and then everything just sort of spiraled these past few months. I mean we’ve never openly announced it or anything—”
“You’ll have a fine son,” she cut be off by saying, as a strange wave of warmth flushed through me. “Strong like his mother.” I could feel the tremor of old age running through her when she placed her hand on my stomach. “Loving like his father.”
“We don’t know what we’re having,” I heard myself whisper.
“You’ll have a boy,” she told me. “And he’ll be just like his father.”
“I hope so.”
“You’re a good girl.” Her eyes burned with emotion. “With a heart of gold.”
I shrugged in response because I didn’t know what to say.
“You should bring her to him and watch her work her magic,” Nanny said then, turning to Edel. “Return my grandson’s heart to him, and he’ll start living again.”
“He’s in here,” Edel said, knocking lightly on a closed bedroom at the far end of the right wing of the house. “Just give me a second to coax Shannon out.”
Nodding, I clasped my hands together, barely able to contain my emotions.
“Hello, Shannon, love,” Edel said when she pushed the door inwards and stepped inside. “You have two visitors here to see you. Claire and Lizzie. They’re downstairs in the sitting room, pet.”
“Maybe I shouldn’t leave him on his —”
“And I have a visitor for you, too, Joey,” Edel interrupted, gesturing for me to follow her inside. “Go on in, love.”
With my heart hammering violently in my chest, I stepped inside, immediately taking in the sight of my boyfriend curled up on his side in the fetal position. Clutching a pillow to his chest, he remained still as a statue on the plush bed, facing the window.
Oh baby.
He looked so young.
So utterly broken.
The memory of the words he’d written in that letter continued to haunt me so much that it was a struggle to contain my emotions. Finally seeing him and knowing that he was still here made me want to bawl like a baby in relief.
“You can’t hide from me,” I cleared the lump in my throat and declared. I felt bad for ignoring Shannon, but in that moment her brother was my number one priority. “And you can’t give up, either.”
His body jerked; a telling sign that even though he looked like a ghost, he could hear me.
Stepping around his sister, I sat on the edge of the mattress facing him and exhaled a shaky breath when my eyes took in the sight of him.
His gaunt features.
His haunted expression.
His vacant eyes.
“My Joey.”
His body twitched.
“My baby.”
His body shook harder.
That’s it.
Follow my voice.
“Come back to me.” With trembling hands, I stroked his cheek, and brushed his hair out of his eyes, before leaning in close to nuzzle him. “Because I’m not giving you up.”
Jerking in what looked like genuine agony, a pained groan tore from his throat.
“I know,” I coaxed, as I continued to trail my fingers through his hair. To touch him. To bring him back to me. “You’re in there, aren’t you?”
He twitched again, hands balling into fists.
That’s it.
“I see you, Joey Lynch,” I whispered, pressing a kiss to his cracked and peeling lips. “You can’t hide from me.”
His hand moved then, settling on the swell of my stomach, and I swear I could have cried in relief.
“That’s it,” I coaxed, gently lifting his head onto my lap. “Come back to me, baby.”
Instinctively, he rested his cheek against my belly button, against the part of my body that separated him from his baby.
“It’s okay,” I whispered, cradling him when he shook and trembled and clawed at any part of me that he could catch ahold of. “You can’t scare me away,” I promised, holding him closer when his hands knotted in my hoodie. “You’re mine, remember?”
It wasn’t until Edel had taken Shannon from the room and closed the door behind them, that Joey finally spoke.
“Queen.”
My heart soared to new heights.
There he is.
He’s still here.
“Hey, stud,” I replied, using my shoulder to wipe a rogue tear from my cheek, as I continued to cradle his face to my stomach. “I’m right here.”
“Am I dead?”
“No, baby, you’re not dead.” I tilted his face up so that I could look at him. “You’re safe, okay?”
Lonesome green eyes, so full of heartache and loss, stared up at me. “Is she dead?”
Sniffling back a sob, I cupped his tear-stained face between my hands and pressed a kiss to his forehead. “Yeah, baby, your mam didn’t make it.”
He didn’t react.
He didn’t stiffen or flinch or scream or cry.
Instead, he closed his eyes, settled his head back on my lap, and whispered, “I thought it was a nightmare.”
Shredded.
I felt shredded to the bone.
“I know you’re hurting, and I know you’re tired, baby,” I whispered, holding him as close to me as I physically could in this moment. “But I promise, if you just hold on a little while longer, it’ll get better.” I kissed him again. “You’re going to make it, Joe. I swear it.”
“Okay, Molloy.” Another tear trickled down his cheek. “Whatever you say.”
“I’m sorry.” His words were barely more than a broken whisper in the darkness, as he lay on his side facing me.
His eyes, full of tears, were glazed over, and it felt like he was looking straight through me, but he was holding my hand.
I could feel him coming back with every timid stroke of his thumb. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay.” Sniffling back my emotion, I cleared my throat and rested my hand on his damp cheek, feeling his tears as they slowly trickled onto my skin. “You’re okay.”
The same two words fell from his lips again. “I’m sorry.”
“You’ve got this.” Shifting closer in the semi-darkness, I placed my hand on his cheek and brushed my nose against his. “Ride or die.”
“The letter…did you read it?”
“Yeah, Joe, I read it.”
“I didn’t want to leave you,” he admitted and then a heart wrenching sob tore from his chest. “I only wanted to protect you.”
“That’s my job, remember?” I joked through my tears. “I’m the one saving you, six.”
“What if I can’t get better, Aoif?” he choked out, holding onto my body for dear life “What if this is who I am?”
“Then you’ll still be stuck with me,” I told him. “Because I love you, stud. In all your shapes and forms.”
“I let them down.”
“Who?”
“The boys.” He shuddered. “Shannon.”
“No, baby, you didn’t let anyone down.”
“They hate me.”
“Nobody who knows the real you could ever hate you,” I whispered, wiping a tear from his cheek. “If you could only understand how much you mean to those children, how much they adore you, appreciate you. If you could only see yourself through their eyes…” I exhaled shakily. “You are so important to so many people.”
“Well?” Edel demanded, when I stepped into the kitchen later that night. “Any luck?”
I waved the empty plate and glass in front of her. “It was a battle of wits there for a while, but he knows I always win.”
“Oh, thank god,” she replied, sagging in relief, as she pressed a hand to her chest. “That’s the first bite he’s eaten since Monday.”
“Ham sandwiches and cans of coke,” I reeled off, setting the plate and glass in the sink. “That’s the way to his heart.”
“Good to know. Has he said anything else?”
“He wants a song played at the funeral,” I told her, relaying one of his heartbreaking ramblings. “Lightning Crashes by LIVE. It’s the only thing he wants,” I explained. “Well, the song and the promise that Marie isn’t buried with Teddy.”
‘Any other advice, Aoife, love?’ she asked with a weary sigh.
‘Yeah, don’t give up on him,” I told her, forcing my lip to stop wobbling, as I spun around to face her. “I know he’s difficult and can be a right pain in the hole at times, but you need to not quit on him, Edel. No matter what. If you quit one time, one single time, then that’s it.” Leaning against the sink at my back, I snapped my fingers for emphasis. “He’ll be done. That flicker of hope? That tiny semblance of a bridge he’s offering you and John into his world. He’ll burn it to the ground the minute you let him down and you’ll never get back in.”
I paused for a moment before reaching into pocket of my sweats and handing her the letter. “He left that for me, but I think you should read it.”
You could hear a pin drop as I watched Edel read my boyfriend’s suicide note. With every line she read, the harder her hands shook.
“Read the part at the end,” I instructed when she gasped and clenched her eyes shut. “Read the part where he was trusting his babies with you and John.”
“The poor boy.“
“Because that’s what Ollie, Shan, Tadhg, and Sean are,” I forced myself to continue. “They’re his babies, and something about you and your husband resonated with him. You don’t realize how momentous that is. He planned on killing himself, and the saddest part about it is that he’s been fighting his whole life. He’s tired. He’s so damn weary, and I know that despite everything he would never contemplate leaving those kids unless he had a plan for them. He did have a plan for them. He finally found a home for his babies with people he feels he can trust. If you knew Joe like I do, then you’d know that he doesn’t trust. He’s been through too much, so the fact that he wrote all of this down, and was prepared to go against his mother and brother to get his siblings to safety? Well, that’s one hell of a compliment to you and John.”
“Oh, Aoife love.”
‘But he’ll push it,’ I warned her, wiping a tear from my cheek. ‘Joey will do everything in his power to prove himself right and prove you wrong.’ Shivering, I rested my hands on my swollen belly and sighed. ‘He’ll take you on like a soldier at war because all he’s used to doing is being in battle with grownups. He’s going to question everything you do, from the television shows you let them watch, to the food you feed them. He’ll watch you like a hawk and make you feel like a paranoid wreck. It’s nothing personal. You need to understand that these kids are cubs. He’s a glorified mama bear. Giving up power to you will be his biggest sacrifice because you’re a woman, and women have always let him down. He’s not fixable like Tadhg, Ollie, and Sean. You can’t slap a plaster on him and heal the scars they put in him. He’s not forgiving like Shannon or diplomatic like Darren. Joey’s not open to change. He’s a closed book. He’s been traumatized far deeper than you, his siblings, or anyone else could comprehend. But you?’ I looked her dead in the eyes. ‘There’s something about you that calls to him. He’s trusting you with his babies. That’s a breakthrough.”
“I am all in with these children,” she vowed, voice thick with emotion. ‘I am all in with him.’
“I hope so,” I replied, tone mirroring hers. “Because he’s going to get better, I can promise you that, and then your family is going to meet the real Joey. And I promise, you guys are going to fall head over heels in love with him.”
She smiled softly. “We already do, love, we already do.”
