THE NEXT DAY, Nikolas showed me how to execute an uppercut punch and a front kick. Then he put me to work on the punching bag for an hour before he switched over to a grueling workout on the weights. The entire time we were together, he was all business and did not try to talk about the night at the barn or anything about us. In fact, he did not say much at all unless it was directly related to my training. As soon as our session ended, he left and I did not see him again that day.
It wasn’t until that night, as I was creating magical whirlpools in my bubble bath, that I remembered I hadn’t told Nikolas about seeing Aine or about using my power on the vampire at the barn. The last thing I wanted to do was bring up that night, but it was Nikolas who had helped me learn to call on that power and he was still my trainer.
I waited until after we’d practiced my punches and kicks the next morning to bring it up. I wiped my face with a towel and took a long drink from my water bottle before I blurted it out.
“I zapped a vampire at the barn.”
Nikolas set down the pair of dumbbells he was holding and turned to face me. It took me several seconds to realize he was not surprised by my announcement.
“Tristan told you.”
“Yes.”
I tried to guess what he was thinking, but his tone and expression gave nothing away. “Why didn’t you say something?”
He leaned against the wall with his arms folded across his chest. “I figured you would tell me when you were ready, and when you felt like you could trust me again.”
“I never stopped trusting you.” I flushed but refused to look away from him because he needed to know I was sincere. If there was anyone I would trust with my life it was Nikolas. My heart I wasn’t as sure about.
“Do you want to tell me what happened? Tristan said you were able to sense them.”
I told him everything as I had described it to Tristan. Nikolas’s eyes flashed with suppressed fury as the story unfolded, but he merely nodded when I explained the cold in my chest and how I was able to take down the vampire. I could tell he was fighting his demon for control. His angry outbursts whenever I was in danger made sense now. What I didn’t understand was why the bond made him react so strongly, or why I felt a growing need to go to him and soothe away the furrows in his brow and the hard line of his mouth.
Clenching my hands behind my back, I focused on my story instead. “I tried to call on the power like we practiced, but it wouldn’t come until I touched him. Then it just jumped out of me like it did with the other demons. I don’t understand why it burned him, but it didn’t burn you.”
Nikolas gave me a tight smile. “A vamhir demon is always close to the surface because it controls the body. You couldn’t feel my demon until I called it forth.” He stared at the window for a long moment, and his face betrayed the battle going on inside him. He wanted to train me, to help me become strong enough to protect myself. But at the same time, he didn’t want me anywhere near a vampire.
To my relief, his pragmatic side won. “This is good. It means you have a built-in defense against vampires, young ones at least. We need to keep working on it to make sure it is reliable.”
“What about my vampire radar? Can we go somewhere and test it?” I knew he was going to refuse, but it was worth a shot.
“Not until we spend a lot more time on your training. There will be plenty of time to test your other abilities.”
“Okay.” I was willing to wait if he was willing to accept that I would have to fight vampires someday. It was a small step forward for both of us. “When can we work on my power again?”
He picked up a jump rope and held it out to me. “Let’s finish your workout and we’ll meet up after lunch for your other training.”
I groaned as I took the jump rope. I had a feeling my days were about to get a lot more exhausting.
Over the next week, Nikolas and I fell into a pattern. Each morning, he taught me a new strike or kick, and then he put me through another punishing workout. After lunch, we spent two hours working with my power. For this he enlisted Chris’s help since he was the only other person here besides Nikolas and Tristan who knew my secret.
I could feel my power growing stronger the more I used it, but it was impossible to test its full strength without a demon. I refused to give Nikolas or Chris anything more than a mild shock no matter how much they provoked me. I would not take a chance of hurting either of them even if they made it difficult to resist at times.
My control grew as well, and I was soon able to call as much or as little power as I needed. I demonstrated that one day when Chris began amusing himself by zipping by and tugging on my hair. He got too close and I caught hold of his hand. The little jolt I gave him made his blond hair stand on end and his knees buckle. When he was able to speak a few minutes later, he said it was like being paralyzed. He didn’t pull my hair again after that.
Even though we spent hours training together, Nikolas and I barely spoke, and a polite distance grew between us until I began to miss the way things used to be. If the quiet tension between us bothered him, he gave no indication of it, and I wondered if he even cared about it. The more time that passed, the more I was convinced that he didn’t want the bond.
I began to dread the day he would show up and tell me he was breaking the bond and leaving. The thought of never seeing him again hurt more than I wanted to admit, and I threw myself into training to avoid thinking about it. After my training, I would take the hounds and go to the lake, hoping to see Aine again. She didn’t come, but I thought I caught a glimpse of Feeorin in the water twice. I wanted to practice my water magic in the lake, but it was impossible with warriors watching over me the whole time. After I’d told Tristan about sensing a vampire in the woods, and he’d told Nikolas, they made it clear that I was not to go out alone, even with two ferocious hellhounds at my side. I didn’t argue even if it meant I was limited to practicing my magic in my bath tub. It amazed me how quickly I was able to master elemental magic when none of my Mohiri abilities came easily to me. I could make mini waves and water spouts with ease and raise the temperature of the water when it began to cool, but I doubted I would ever feel the same connection to my Mori that other Mohiri shared with theirs.
I ended up asking Chris to take me to town to pick up supplies and food for Oscar. I could hardly ask Nikolas to do it when we were barely talking. As Chris and I loaded my purchases into the SUV I felt a pang when I remembered the light banter between Nikolas and me the day I’d asked him to take me to the pet store. Would it ever be that easy between us again, or was it gone forever?
David emailed me twice that week to say he and his friends were closing in on Madeline. His excitement was infectious. As soon as he found her, I would let Tristan know so he could swoop in and pick her up, if she didn’t slip away again. My mother was proving to be very adept at evading everyone, especially her own people.
After my talk with Michael, I’d also asked David to see what he could dig up about Matthew. I gave him every detail I could find on Michael’s family in Atlanta and the circumstances around his mother’s death and his brother’s disappearance. I wasn’t hopeful but I had to try for Michael’s sake. David confirmed what I already knew – Michael had been to hundreds of sites and message boards, searching for his brother – and he told me he was unable to find a single bit of evidence that Matthew was alive. He would keep searching, but I already knew the truth, even if I didn’t know how to make Michael accept it.
My spirits shot up when I woke up on the Tuesday of Thanksgiving week and my first thought was that Nate would be here tomorrow. I grinned to myself in the shower, and I could barely sit still at breakfast. I even smiled at Nikolas when I walked into the training room. It didn’t make him ease up on my workout, but I was too happy to care. Nothing was going to bring me down this week.
When my phone rang that evening, I saw Nate’s number and laughed. Nate was such a creature of habit. He called me every Tuesday night without fail, and he wasn’t going to miss a night, even if he would see me tomorrow.
“Hey, Nate!”
“Hey, yourself. How are things going?” He sounded tired, and I hoped he wasn’t overworking himself.
“Oh you know . . . the same.” Lightning was probably going to strike me for that whopper, but I couldn’t tell Nate about everything over the phone. “So, you all packed for tomorrow?”
“That’s actually what I’m calling about.” He coughed, and I listened to him wheeze with a growing sense of dread. “I have some bad news. I haven’t been feeling too good the last few days so I went to my doctor today. He says I have pneumonia and I can’t travel this week.”
A pit opened in my stomach. “What? No! They have all kinds of medicines here. They can treat your pneumonia in no time.” I was already calculating how long it would take to bring the medicine to him.
He coughed again. “Sara, you know how I feel about that. My doctor prescribed something, and I just need to take it easy for a few days.”
And miss Thanksgiving? I started for my closet to find my suitcase. “Then I’ll come to you.”
“No,” he said sharply, and I stopped halfway across the room.
“Nate?”
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to bark at you. It’s just that you’re supposed to be hiding and we can’t risk someone seeing you. I won’t be good company for you anyway. I’d rather you stay there and I’ll come later.”
“But you’ll be alone for Thanksgiving.” The happiness that had carried me all day drained away.
“Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine,” he rasped. “I’ll come as soon as I can travel. I wouldn’t miss seeing you for the world.”
“It won’t be the same without you.”
“I know, but we’ll see each other soon.” He breathed deeply, and I could hear the rattle in his chest. “I need to take my meds and get some rest so I can get rid of this. I’ll talk to you in a few days, okay?”
“Okay,” I said, even though I was anything but okay. Ever since I got here, I had been counting down the days until Thanksgiving when I would see Nate again. Disappointment cut through me deeply, and I just wanted to curl up in my bed and cry.
God, I am an awful person. Here I was wallowing in self-pity and Nate was suffering from pneumonia. He’d be all alone for the holiday and I was thinking only of myself. I couldn’t even call Roland or Peter and ask them to drop in and check on Nate because the family was leaving tomorrow to spend the holiday with their grandmother up near Bangor.
The urge to go home despite his arguments was so strong that I grabbed a backpack and had it full of clothes before my common sense took over. Nate was right; it wasn’t safe for me in New Hastings right now. All I’d be doing was putting both of us in danger, and I couldn’t forgive myself if he was hurt because of me again.
It was a long sleepless night, and it left me tired and cross the next morning. Less than ten minutes into training, Nikolas stepped back and asked me what was wrong.
“Nothing,” I mumbled, trying unsuccessfully to kick the heavy bag like he’d taught me yesterday.
“You are obviously upset about something.”
“I’m fine,” I lied. Tears threatened and I punched the bag angrily. I wanted to tell him what was wrong, but things were so weird between us that I didn’t know how to talk to him. And I didn’t want to run to him whenever things didn’t go right. I wanted to prove to both of us that I could stand on my own. “Can we get back to work?”
He moved forward to grab the bag again, and when he spoke his voice had lost some of the coolness that had been present the last few days. “Just know I’m here if you want to talk.”
Neither of us spoke much for the remainder of the session, but Nikolas’s words played over and over in my head all afternoon. The longer I thought about it, the more guilt I felt for brushing him off like I had. None of this was his fault, and when he had reached out to me, I’d behaved like a brat. Was it because I wanted to be strong, or was it really because I was afraid to open up to him, afraid of where that might lead? The two of us were in a strange limbo right now because I could not deal with us and because he wouldn’t press me. It was unfair to him, and it was time I stopped behaving like I was the only one with feelings.
By the time dinner rolled around, I had gathered my courage and made up my mind to talk to Nikolas. I spent the meal watching for him, and I barely tasted my food or heard what Jordan and Olivia were saying next to me. When he didn’t show, I almost ground my teeth in frustration. I finally wanted to talk, and he had decided to dine somewhere else.
“Hello, cousin, you look like you’re lost,” Chris said when I ran into him in the main hall after dinner. I knew he and Nikolas worked and sparred together a lot. If anyone knew where to find him, it was Chris
“Actually, I’m looking for Nikolas. Do you know if he’s around?”
He cocked an eyebrow. “You’re looking for Nikolas? That’s a switch.”
“Yeah, it’s like Bizarro World,” I retorted and watched his brow furrow in confusion.
“Bizarro World?”
“You know, from the Superman comics?” He shook his head, and I sighed. “How can you live forever and not know about Superman?”
He made a face. “I know who Superman is; I just don’t read comics. As for Nikolas, I believe he and Tristan had a meeting. They should be almost done now.”
“Thanks.” I headed for Tristan’s office, hoping to catch Nikolas before he left or before my newfound courage deserted me.
Tristan’s door opened as I walked down the hallway, and I heard muffled male voices inside. The closer I got I was able to pick out snatches of conversation, and I stopped in my tracks when I heard Nikolas’s deep voice. “ . . . not what I wanted . . . miserable . . . break the bond.”
I flinched as if I’d been slapped. Nikolas wanted to break the bond? I knew I shouldn’t be surprised after the last week, but it still shocked me to hear him say it. I wasn’t prepared for the sharp pain in my chest. My throat tightened, and I spun to leave before one of them came out and saw me.
My escape was blocked by the last person I wanted to see. Celine tossed her long black hair over her shoulder and speared me with a pitying look that was ten times worse than her usual sneer. “So now you know,” she said in a low voice so Nikolas and Tristan could not hear her. “If you care about Nikolas at all you will release him.”
I pushed past her. “Like you care. You just want him for yourself.”
She kept pace with me easily. “I’m not going to lie; I do want him and he wants me. Nikolas and I had something very special once, and we would be together now if this ridiculous mating bond wasn’t messing with his head. Males are so susceptible to these things.”
I pretended to ignore her, but she kept talking. “You are a lovely girl, Sara, but Nikolas is a man. I understand why you might fancy yourself in love with him; you wouldn’t be the first young girl to lose her heart to him. But he wants a woman, not a girl.”
“Why doesn’t he break the bond then?” My voice cracked and I walked faster, trying to get away from her.
“He is too honorable. You’ve known him long enough to see how chivalrous he can be. He doesn’t want to hurt you.”
Her words were painful barbs, and I had no defense against them because they were true. Hadn’t I thought the same things since I’d learned about the bond? Nikolas was no monk, and he’d probably been with many beautiful women like Celine in his lifetime. What could he possibly want with a girl who came unglued by a simple kiss and was so stupid when it came to men that she’d thought a gay man was flirting with her?
We reached the main floor and Celine grabbed my elbow before I could leave. “You can still be friends with him if that is what you want, but it is cruel of you to hold him to this when he is obviously unhappy.” She let go of my arm and turned to leave. “Think about it and you will see I am right.”
“Just who I was looking for.” Jordan bounded down the stairs from our wing and scowled when she spotted Celine’s retreating back. “What did she want?”
I forced a smile. “The usual; you know Celine.”
“Unfortunately.” She linked her arm with mine. “Forget her. We have a party to go to.”
“Jordan, we can’t go to a party after what happened at the last one.” Not to mention, Tristan and Nikolas would probably lock me in my room if I even mentioned it.
She snickered and tugged on my arm. “Who said anything about leaving the stronghold? We’re going to have our own little holiday party right here.”
“That’s great, but I don’t think I’m in the mood to party tonight.”
“Listen, I get that you’re bummed about your uncle not coming, but what good is it to hide out in your room all night and be depressed about it?” She fixed me with a determined stare. “Wouldn’t you rather hang out with us and have some fun? We have beer, and Terrence got his hands on some Gran Patron.”
I had no idea what Gran Patron was, but I assumed it was some kind of alcohol. I wasn’t into liquor, but I could handle a beer or two. I looked up the stairs and realized the last thing I wanted right now was to be alone.
“Come on,” Jordan cajoled, mistaking my hesitance for reluctance. “Don’t make me drink with those losers alone.”
“Okay.”
“Sweet. Let’s go.”
I expected us to go to one of the common rooms, so I was surprised when she headed for the main entrance. “Where are we going?”
“The arena,” she said once we were outside.
The temperature had dropped a lot since that afternoon, and I shivered in my sweater. I raised my face and breathed deeply of the cold air. If my nose was not mistaken, we might be having a white Thanksgiving.
“What are you doing?” Jordan asked.
“Smelling the air. I think it’s going to snow.”
She sniffed at the air. “You can smell snow in the air? Seriously?”
“Can’t you?”
“No.”
“Oh.”
She gave me a sidelong look. “You’re strange, you know that?”
It felt good to smile. “You have no idea.”
The door to the arena opened before we reached it, and light spilled outside. “About time you two got here,” Terrence called. “Thought we were going to have to start without you.”
Jordan laughed. “Like you lightweights could have a party without us.”
He stepped aside, and we entered the arena where the other trainees sat together near a large cooler. Even Michael was there, and it surprised me to see him away from his laptop.
“Time to get this party started,” Terrence sang. He went to the cooler and began handing beers to everyone. When all of us held one, he raised his bottle and said, “To us.”
“To us.” We all drank. Josh turned on a small portable stereo and Coldplay filled the room. The seven of us sat and drank and talked about training and when we would go on our first mission. Everyone had heard Jordan’s story of our adventure at the party and they wanted to hear my side of the story. I told them everything I could without revealing my secrets. Jordan beamed when I described how easily she had dispatched two vampires. Human girls bonded over things like boys and music; we bonded over kicking demon ass. It was no wonder I never had any human girlfriends.
“So, you and Danshov, huh?” Josh asked. It was the first time one of them besides Jordan had mentioned the bond, and all I did was shrug and keep my face blank. Inside, my stomach hurt as I replayed Nikolas’s words to Tristan.
Jordan set her bottle down. “Hey, Terrence, where is that Gran Patron you were bragging about? I think it’s time for a shot.”
“Hell, yeah.” Terrence reached under his seat and pulled out a bottle of clear liquor and a stack of shot glasses. “Tequila time!”
I tried to pass when Terrence handed a shot to me. “I don’t really like liquor.”
“That’s because you haven’t had the good stuff. You have to try it once.”
Jordan nudged me with her shoulder. “Come on, you have to do one shot with us.”
I made a face but accepted the glass. “Haven’t you guys ever heard of peer pressure?”
“That’s a human thing.” Josh grinned and held up his glass. “Warriors call it a challenge, and we never turn down a good challenge.”
Everyone but Michael took a glass and when Terrence said “go” we downed the contents. The tequila was warm and smooth, and it burned its way down to pool in my stomach. A minute later, a pleasant tingle spread through my limbs.
“See, I knew you’d like it,” Terrence said when I smiled. “You want another one?”
“Maybe later.” I picked up my beer again and sipped it as the buzz from the tequila hit me. Whoa, I need to slow down.
I took my time with my second beer but everyone else, except Michael, seemed to be in a contest to see who could drink the most. Jordan wasn’t kidding when she called them lightweights because she put away more than any of them and barely seemed to have a buzz going.
By the time I started my third beer, Olivia and Jordan convinced me to do another shot. Although in truth, they didn’t have to do much convincing because I’d discovered that the more I drank, the less I thought about Nikolas and Celine and how much I missed Nate. Someone fiddled with the stereo, and I found myself dancing with Jordan and Olivia, singing and laughing and having a blast. So this was what it felt like to let go and have fun. I imagined Roland’s face if he saw me now and more laughter bubbled out of me.
By the time I finished my beer, I felt like I could do almost anything, and I was seized by the urge to find Nikolas and tell him he was free to go be with Celine or whoever he wanted. I ignored the sharp pain in my heart as I stood. He had made it clear what he wanted and it wasn’t me, so why wait to break the bond? The more I thought about it, the stronger the urge became to seek him out and just get it over with.
“Hey, where are you off to?” Jordan called when I headed for the door.
“I have to take care of something.”
“But we’re having fun.”
“I’ll be back in a bit.” I opened the door and the icy air felt like a balm to my heated face. Outside, the night was quiet, and heavy clouds hung in the sky. My legs were a little unsteady as I walked to the main building, but that was not going to deter me from my mission. I was going to find Nikolas, give him the happy news, and then go back to the party and celebrate my freedom.
After the freezing temperature outside, the main hall felt like a sauna, and I had to cling to the banister when I climbed the stairs to the second floor of the north wing. Only the most senior warriors lived in this wing so Nikolas had to be here somewhere. If he’s not with Celine, a niggling voice said, and I shook my head to banish the ugly thought.
Standing at the end of the second-floor hallway, I looked at the row of closed doors and realized the flaw in my plan. I had no idea which door was Nikolas’s and I couldn’t very well knock on all of them. “Damn it,” I muttered, wandering down the empty hallway. Now I was going to have to wait until tomorrow to talk to him, and I had a suspicion I would not feel as courageous in the morning.
“Sara?”
Startled, I whirled and stumbled into a hard body. Hands reached out to steady me, and I looked up into Nikolas’s curious eyes.
He released me and stepped back. “What are you doing here? Were you looking for me?”
Seeing him set off a maelstrom of emotions in me and sent my courage flying out the nearest window. “N-no.” I moved to go around him, but I was going too fast and I staggered sideways. He caught me and turned me to face him again.
“What is wrong with you? Are you drunk?”
“No,” I retorted, and I couldn’t help but remember the last time he had accused me of being intoxicated. This time he was probably right. As if on cue, the hallway started to spin, and I knew I needed to get out of there before I did something to humiliate myself. I pulled my arms out of his grasp, but the jerky movements were too much and my stomach began to roll. I clapped a hand over my mouth. “Oh, I don’t feel good,” I moaned through my fingers.
I heard him sigh before an arm went around my back and another slipped behind my knees to cradle me against his chest. Shock rippled through me, and I would have tried to get free if I wasn’t struggling not to throw up on both of us. He hurried to the last door and managed to open it without releasing me. I barely got a glimpse of a living room done in dark woods and muted greens and browns before we entered a large bathroom. He set my feet on the tiled floor, and I threw myself at the toilet where I began to retch violently.
“Oh God, I’m dying,” I sobbed between vomiting tequila and beer. I’d barely been ill a day in my life, and the few times I had been sick were nothing compared to how wretched I felt now.
It took a few minutes for me to realize Nikolas had been behind me the whole time, holding my hair out of my face. Humiliation added to my misery. “Please, go away and let me die in peace,” I whispered hoarsely before another bout of vomiting came on.
He let go of my hair and I thought he left the bathroom. Then I heard water running in the sink and he was back again, lifting my hair to lay a cool, wet cloth across the back of my neck. It felt so good that I couldn’t bring myself to ask him to leave again. I had no idea how long I hung over the toilet throwing up, but he stayed with me the entire time, quietly pressing wet cloths to my neck. When my stomach finally finished expelling every drop of vile liquor, I flushed the toilet and sagged against the blessedly cold porcelain tub, too exhausted to move. I heard the water running again before Nikolas lifted my chin to wash my face with the cloth.
“Do you need to throw up again?”
I shook my head weakly, too tired and embarrassed to look at him. I drew my knees up against my chest and rested my head on them. I wasn’t sure where I was going to get the energy to stand and walk back to my room, and all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and go to sleep right there on his bathroom floor.
“Here.” I smelled the gunna paste before it touched my lips, and I raised a hand to push it away.
“Trust me; you’ll be glad for it tomorrow.”
It took only the suggestion of the whopping hangover I was going to have in the morning to make me open my mouth and take the horrid paste. I shuddered as I swallowed it. I thought I heard a soft chuckle, but I was too wrapped up in my misery to care.
“Okay, let’s get you off this floor.” Before I could say anything, he picked me up like I weighed nothing and carried me into the other room where he set me down on a soft leather couch. I huddled with my head on the armrest, and I felt the couch dip when he sat at the other end. For several minutes, neither of us spoke and I tried to come up with something to say to him.
“Were you coming to see me?”
I nodded mutely without looking at him.
“And you had to get drunk first?” Was that amusement in his tone? I wanted to make a retort, but I couldn’t after the way he had taken care of me.
“The trainees had a party,” I rasped. My throat was raw from throwing up.
“Were you coming to invite me?” There was no mistaking the humor this time.
“No, I – ” Now that I was here in front of him, I had no idea how to say what needed to be said. More than that, I didn’t want to say it. I couldn’t bear the thought of never seeing him again.
“Take your time.”
I couldn’t take my time because then I’d never get it out and he deserved better than that. Be strong and just spit it out. It’s the least you can do for him. “I wanted to let you know that . . . that you’re free. I’m going to break the bond.”
“What?”
I looked up at the shock and anger I heard in his voice. His mouth was set in a straight line, and for several seconds raw hurt glittered in his eyes before he looked away. I bit my lip in confusion. Why was he upset? I was giving him what he wanted.
“I’m sorry. I know I’m handling this all wrong.”
“Don’t apologize,” he said stiffly. “I don’t think there is an easy way to do something like this.”
My throat tightened so painfully I thought I was going to suffocate. Why hadn’t Tristan warned me how much it hurt to break the bond? How your lungs constricted until you could barely breathe, or about the ice that filled your veins until you knew you’d never be warm again. If Nikolas felt half the pain I did right now, it was no wonder he could not look at me.
“This is why you were upset in training today.”
“No, that was something else.” I couldn’t talk about Nate now, not unless I wanted to totally lose it. There was only so much pain I could handle at one time.
He was quiet for a long moment, and when he spoke, his voice sounded cool, distant. “What made you wait until now to tell me? We see each other every day.”
I decided to tell him the truth even if it killed me to say it. “I-I overheard you talking to Tristan tonight. You said you wanted to break the bond.”
His head whipped toward me and his eyes narrowed. “What are you talking about?”
“You told Tristan you were miserable and that you didn’t want this to happen.” I swallowed painfully. “I didn’t mean to listen, and I only heard bits of it. And then Celine said . . . ”
His voice grew hard again. “What did Celine say?”
“She said it wasn’t fair to hold you to a bond you didn’t want, and that you were too honorable to break it.” A fresh wave of misery swept through me and hot tears spilled down my cheeks. I buried my face in my hands, unable to look at him anymore. “I’m s-sorry. I never meant to h-hurt you.”
“Damn it.” Nikolas slid across the couch and pulled me to him, and I went willingly into the comfort of his arms. “Celine had no right to say that to you. And you misunderstood what you heard me say to Tristan. I told him I never wanted you to find out the way you did, and that I would rather you break the bond than see you unhappy because of it.”
“You don’t want to break the bond?” I asked, more confused than ever.
“No.”
My breath caught. What was he saying? “You don’t?”
I felt his body tense slightly. “Do you?”
How did I answer that question? Did I want to explore whatever this was between us? Yes. Was I ready for a forever thing? No. How did I say yes to one and not the other?
“You don’t have to answer right now,” he said tenderly. He was protecting me again, putting my feelings before his own, and his selflessness brought on a fresh bout of tears. His arms tightened around me. “I’m sorry you had to learn about it all this way. The last thing I wanted was for you to get hurt.”
Minutes passed before I could compose myself to speak again. “Why didn’t you tell me about the bond back in New Hastings?”
“If I’d told you the truth back then, you never would have come here, and I needed you to be safe.” His voice was thick with emotion, making him sound vulnerable for the first time since I met him.
“Tristan told me the bond makes you overprotective. Maybe you would feel different if we broke it. You wouldn’t have to worry about me all the time.” I didn’t want to suggest it, but I didn’t want to be his weakness either.
He pulled me closer until my head was tucked under his chin and his warmth chased away the chill that had invaded my body. I closed my eyes and let his familiar scent fill my nose. “I’ll always care about you. Don’t you know that by now?”
I nodded against his chest.
“What are you thinking?” he pressed gently. “Talk to me.”
“I don’t know what to think anymore,” I whispered hoarsely. “I mean, we’ve been fighting since we met, and I know you weren’t exactly happy to meet me in the first place. My life is a mess and I’ll never be a warrior like . . . Celine.” The other woman’s name left a sour taste in my mouth, but I had to put it out there. I would never be glamorous or sultry or whatever it was that men liked about Celine. I didn’t want to be any of those things. I might be confused about a lot of things in my life but I was also happy with who I was. What if Nikolas wanted something I wasn’t and he didn’t realize it until it was too late?
“Sara, I don’t want you to be like Celine.”
“But how do you know what you want? How do you know if what you feel comes from you or from a Mori thing you have no control over?” I wanted to ask him what the bond felt like to him, to help me understand my own emotions, but I couldn’t put the question into words.
I felt him sigh. “My Mori and I share our minds and emotions, but I always know the difference.”
“I’m so confused. I don’t understand any of this. It’s like I have no control over my life anymore. I’m scared.” How did I explain that it wasn’t being with him that frightened me? That the bond would change us and I was afraid of losing me, who I was?
His hand began to stroke my hair. “I felt the same way at first.”
“You were scared?” I couldn’t keep the disbelief from my voice.
He chuckled softly. “It scared the hell out of me when I saw you in that club and felt something between us. I’d never experienced anything like it, and I wasn’t prepared to feel that way for anyone, let alone an orphan I found in a bar. I wanted to stay with you and get far away from you at the same time. I tried to leave, but I couldn’t. And when I saw you in the hands of that vampire . . . ”
A small shudder passed through him, and I laid a hand against his chest. After a minute, I felt him relax again.
“You said you were confused and scared at first. You aren’t anymore?” I held my breath while I waited for his answer. I desperately wanted to know what he was feeling, where he saw this thing between us going.
“No, I’m not. Yes, it started with my Mori in that bar, but it wasn’t long before I realized there was more to you than you let people see. You drove me nuts when you were so stubborn and reckless, and you have an uncanny ability to find trouble. At the same time, I couldn’t help but admire your independent spirit and how fiercely protective you were of your friends. You were an untrained orphan with no apparent abilities, standing your own against a Mohiri warrior while defending two werewolves and a troll. You were something to behold. I didn’t want to feel anything more than responsibility for you, but you made it impossible not to.”
His admission left me reeling. Nikolas had never opened himself up to me this way, and his words rang with sincerity. He was telling me that it was me and not my Mori he had been drawn to, and he didn’t sound like a man who was being pulled into something against his will. My world shifted to fit this new reality where Nikolas and I were more than friends. We were past that place now, and there would be no going back. I didn’t want to go back.
“I felt something too when we met. It was like I knew you somehow even though we’d never met. My life was turned upside-down that night in more ways than one. Then you came to see me and I resented you for telling me what I was and for changing everything. I did some pretty stupid things and I hated that you were right about them. I hated that you wouldn’t go away and let me be the way I used to be. I thought you were arrogant and bossy and determined to drive me insane.”
He leaned down to say in a husky voice, “If this is a declaration of love, I’m not getting a warm fuzzy feeling about it.”
“I’m not finished,” I blurted, totally flustered. He just had to use the L-word. I was so not ready to go there yet. “Even when I was angry at you, I knew everything you did was to protect me and I always felt safe with you. It was strange. I didn’t trust people easily, but I trusted you almost immediately. But I don’t think it was until that day at the cliff, before you showed up, that I realized I felt something more. I was alone and expecting to die, and all I could think about was the people I’d never see again. You were one of them.” I took a deep breath. “And . . . I did miss you when you left me here, and it hurt because I thought you were glad to be free of me.”
“I shouldn’t have left the way I did. I should have waited a few days for you to settle in and told you I was leaving for a while.”
“What do we do now . . . about this, us?”
“What do you want to do?”
“I don’t know. I mean . . . ” I took a minute to think about what I wanted to say. “When Tristan told me about the bond, I was upset that you kept it from me, and I admit I kind of freaked. Don’t take this the wrong way after what we just shared, but we’ve only known each other for a few months. I like you a lot, but how are we supposed to know if we want to spend forever together. Forever is a long time.” I groaned inwardly. God, how lame am I?
“You like me a lot?” he asked in a teasing voice.
My faced burned, and I was glad it was hidden in his shirt. “Sometimes.”
He stroked my hair again. “Forever is a long time, but we don’t have to think about that right now. Let’s just take it slow and see what happens. Just promise you’ll talk to me if you have questions or doubts instead of listening to other people.”
“I promise,” I said hoarsely.
“Good. Now, do you want to tell me what was bothering you in training today if it wasn’t this?”
“Nate can’t come for Thanksgiving.” I told him about my call from Nate yesterday, and his hand moved down to rub my back comfortingly.
“I’m sorry. I know how much you were looking forward to his visit.”
“It won’t be the same without him.” I sniffed back another round of tears. “God, I can’t stop crying tonight.”
“Then it’s a good thing my shirts don’t shrink when they get wet,” he said, making me smile.
I hiccupped and Nikolas laughed softly. He shifted slightly, and his lips brushed the top of my head. My heart swelled and I wrapped my arms around him. For the first time in a long time, I felt no anxiety or fear. I had no idea what was going to happen tomorrow or next week, but right now I felt warm and happy. My Mori sighed softly, and I realized I had never sensed it being this quiet and content.
“Do you feel better?” Nikolas asked, his hand rubbing my back in soothing circles that were making me sleepy.
“Yes, but I’m never touching tequila again.”
His chest rumbled with laughter. “If I’d known you were going on a drinking binge, I would have told you that Faeries have very little tolerance for human alcohol, unlike the rest of us. Looks like you inherited that trait from your Fae family.”
“Great, now you tell me. Some trainer you are.”
“Actually a good trainer lets you make mistakes at first so you learn never to repeat them.”
I made a face even though he couldn’t see it. “Then you are the best trainer ever.”
Nikolas chuckled. “How did you ever get by without me?”
“I have no idea.”
