The next morning we go to the clinic, and I’m filled with a dizzy relief when the image of my baby appears on the screen, wriggling and moving around like a loon. The doctor declares all to be well, and with a clean bill of health, we go back to the apartment.
The next couple of days go by, the guys showering me with affection and making love to me at every opportunity. I love it, truly, but a part of me yearns for the freedom that I’ve been denied for weeks. To be able to just leave the house and walk around the city, go shopping, or just live unconfined.
The boys try; Loki taking me shopping to all my favourite stores, including Irregular Choice on Carnaby Street, Kai taking me to some amazing restaurants, Jax coming on some walks through the city’s parks, and Ash and I visit the big museums.
It’s wonderful to be back with them, but I can’t help feeling a little smothered as it becomes apparent that I’m not allowed to go anywhere by myself. I understand, hell, I’m worried about being taken again too. However, I feel like I can’t even broach the subject, Ash quickly shutting down any ideas I might have of independence, citing my safety as a cause for concern.
The nights are awful.
I can no longer sleep with them in the bed, waking up covered in sweat and panting, their hands morphing into those of another, unwelcome touch. I take to sleeping in one of the other bedrooms, or on the sofa when sleep just won’t come.
I know they’re worried, the pinched brows and frowns telling me how much. But I can’t find it in me to talk about it, any of it. I can barely think about it without my pulse rocketing and the black tendrils of panic clawing at the edges of my vision, and it gets worse knowing that soon, we have to go back to America. My time here is running out, and the thought of leaving fills me with equal parts relief and dread.
The night before we’re due to return is particularly bad, sleep refusing to come no matter how many sheep I count. Eventually giving up, I head downstairs, the cool quiet of the night feeling oppressive and choking. Unable to stand it a moment longer, I grab my phone, bringing up Roman’s contact and dialling before I can think twice.
“Lilly?” he answers, voice slightly croaky from sleep. “Everything okay?”
I open my mouth to say yes, as I have done for the past few days whenever one of the guys asked, but when tears spring to my eyes, I find that I can’t lie. Not anymore and not to someone who was there.
“Lilly?” he asks again, voice laced with worry.
“I need to get out, Roman,” I tell him, closing my lids as a single drop of sadness trails down my cheek. I hate myself right now, for not wanting them and wanting to escape. “Know any clubs open or parties happening?” He’s silent for a beat.
“Sure, you know Depravity? In Shoreditch?”
I’m nodding before he’s even finished, spying the bags of clothes that I hadn’t yet taken upstairs and run through my outfit choices.
“Yep, I’ll grab a black, taxicab. Gimmie, say, twenty, and I’ll meet you there?” I reply, jamming the phone between my ear and shoulder as I rifle through the bags, spotting a floral mini dress that’ll work for a club.
“Alone?” he questions, his tone guarded.
“I’ll see you there, Roman,” I respond, not answering his question then hanging up.
Grabbing the dress, I ignore the nausea floating around my stomach, the guilt trying to tighten my chest. I’ll leave a note, and I’ll be with Roman, maybe even Rowan so it’s not like I’m all alone, I reason to myself as I strip out of my PJs, grabbing a new bra out of the bag and getting ready. I’m a grown arse young woman, why the fuck shouldn’t I go out?
LOKI
Gone out with the twins, back later.
Lilly
Xxx
I read the note, my stomach dropping. Ash is going to lose his shit when he sees this. Letting out a deep breath, I run my hand through my hair trying to decide on the best course of action.
“Lilly’s fucking gone,” Ash rasps out, his voice tight and panicked as he comes clattering down the stairs, the circles under his eyes prominent in the dark. Aw, shit.
With a resigned sigh, I hand over the note, watching his forehead crease and the paper crumple in his hand. I wince at the punishment Lilly will receive for this.
“She just needs—” I start, stopping mid-sentence when he looks at me with flared nostrils and swirling eyes. Beneath the rage is a desperate worry, his hand coming up to twist and pull at his hair.
“We’re losing her, Loki,” he murmurs, his shoulders slumping as his arms fall down by his sides. “I don’t know how to bring her back and let her have her freedom.”
“I know,” I assure him, reaching out and clasping his shoulder. I have no words of comfort to offer, nothing that will fucking help us. We can’t make her talk about what she went through.
Jax and Kai stomp down the stairs, the sound loud in the quiet of our misery.
“Lilly’s at Depravity,” Kai states before he’s even reached us, and I notice that they’ve both hastily gotten dressed. “One of the Shadows’ clubs.”
“How do you know?” Ash interrogates, and even I grimace at his harsh tone.
“Roman sent a text to us all,” Jax interjects, holding up his phone for us to see. Ash snatches it out of his grip, his eyes tracing across the screen.
“Maybe we should…” I suggest, and three sets of eyes land on me. “You know, leave her tonight?”
“No,” Ash states, voice hard and jaw clenched so I know that I’ve already lost. “She can’t just disappear, not again.”
“Okay,” I say gently, catching his eye and begging him to calm the fuck down. “Just let me talk to her first.”
He doesn’t respond straight away, his ink-covered chest rising and falling with deep breaths. Then he gives me a single, sharp nod, a slight dip of his head, and the breath leaves me in a quiet whoosh.
Pretty Girl, I hope you’re ready for the wrath of your Knights.
LILLY
I let the haunting voice of Hannah Reid from London Grammar wash over me as I sway my body to the beat of Wasting My Young Years. The vibe is chilled tonight, indie pop being the music of choice currently by the very talented DJ up on stage.
I left the twins at the bar to weave my way through the crowd and lose myself to the music, to the press of hot, sweaty bodies, and the anonymity of being lost in a sea of people.
Suddenly, a hard, hot body presses to my back, strong hands grasping my hips and pulling me tightly against what is undoubtedly a man. I’m about to step away when aching familiarity washes over me with his vanilla and cocoa scent.
Not wanting to break the illusion of dancing with a stranger, I don’t say a word, bringing my hands up to tangle in his soft hair and pull him closer. If his feel and smell didn’t tell me who he is, the way his figure moulds to mine as we dance is enough to assure me that my trickster Knight is at my back, pressing his torso and pelvis flush with my back as we dance.
We move together, not saying a word, even when the song slows and we’re barely more than swaying side to side. Although with Loki, it’s never just a simple dance, his body undulating like some kind of erotic dancer until I’m all kinds of flushed and panting from more than just the heat in the room.
The song changes into Silence by Marshmello & Khalid, and another body presses against my front, sweet lemon filling my senses and forcing my closed lids open. I see my gorgeous, Viking Knight reaching out for me and pulling me closer to him.
He looks devastating in a tight black tee that clings to every muscle and makes my mouth water, and I forget why I wanted to be alone whilst we dance together, our bodies moving like water over rocks. The song is perfect for us, the lyrics resonating in my soul. We’ve found peace in each other, and I love all my Knights fiercely, their violence calling to me and surrounding me in comforting protection.
Letting go of Loki’s hair, I reach up and grab Jax by his luscious locks, messing his man bun up as I pull his face to mine and kiss him with all the desperation I feel in my soul. I tell him with every stroke that I’m sorry I ran, that I’m tired of staying silent about what happened, and beg him to show me the way out of this darkness that I’ve fallen into.
We break apart gasping, the lights from the club painting his face in changing shades of blue and purple. Before I can utter a word, Loki spins me around, planting his plump lips on my still tingling ones, my eyes closing on instinct. His kiss brings tears to my eyes, it’s crushing softness gut-wrenching. He shatters me with his forgiveness, with his understanding as his palms reverently cup my face, and he pulls back, pressing his forehead to mine, my eyes still closed.
“Ash is pissed, beautiful,” he murmurs, his breath tickling my face.
I heave a dejected sigh.
“Take me to your leader then,” I reply, a wobbly giggle leaving my lips when Loki chuffs out a laugh at my terrible joke.
With a final kiss pressed to my lips, he takes my hand, Jax grasping my other as we thread through the still dancing crowd, Jax making sure I have enough room, to the bar where Ash, Kai, and the twins stand. I flinch under Ash’s intense scrutiny, unable to hold his stare, so I find Kai’s, feeling that sticky guilt when I see that his brow is furrowed deeply.
As soon as we get there, Ash grabs my wrist and drags me away towards the front doors, ignoring my protests like the jizzmuffin that he is.
“Ash! You’re fucking hurting me!” I shout as we leave the club, the relative quiet of the night outside jarring after the pounding music of the club. He lets go, and I rub my wrist which aches with the remnants of his tight grip. He spins around, his eyes wild, and I brace myself, my legs widening in a defensive stance, ready for the verbal lashing that I know is coming.
“What the fuck were you thinking?!” he shouts, stepping close to me, using his height to try and intimidate me. “You can’t just fucking disappear like that! We had no idea where you were, Lilly!”
“I left you a note,” I reply petulantly, craning my neck to look up at him with a glare, not showing him that my heart is racing a mile a minute.
“A note!” He throws his hands up, a cruel look taking over his features. “Forgive me for worrying, Princess,” he sneers, and the barb cuts deeply, his use of my nickname spoken like a curse. “After all, you left a note with no fucking information on it, so I must be some kind of cunt for not getting that you couldn’t stand being with us. That you wanted to run after we’d only just got you back.”
His voice cracks with the last of his words, and tears rush to my eyes at the unwitting hurt I caused him, caused them all, by pushing them away, emotionally at least. I lick my suddenly dry lips.
“I would wake up with bruises on my hips, my breasts, and have no fucking idea how they got there,” I confess, the wetness spilling over and tracking down my cheeks as my voice grows thick. “He hurt me in ways that I’ll never know, never remember, and every time I close my fucking eyes, I can feel him getting into bed with me that night, and I’m frozen under his grasping hands. I feel his breath on my neck, and his–his dick pressed up against me. I’m drowning, Ash, and I don’t know how to swim to the surface.”
“Shit, Lilly,” he rasps, his own eyes filling as he stares into mine. He pulls me to him, enveloping me in his strength, in his familiar, ginger scent that helps to calm my racing heart. “I’ll bring you to the surface, my love. Or drown with you. But you are not alone. You don’t need to fight this by yourself.”
I break down, letting all the dark rage and anger out as I sob into his chest, my fingers fisting his shirt until they tingle. Under the London night sky, I shed every tear that I’ve been holding in, every drop of misery that I’ve kept bottled up inside me ever since I woke up in that room all those weeks ago.
Ash holds me tightly to him the entire time, lending me his unwavering strength and wordless comfort as I shatter into pieces in his arms.
