BUTTERFLIES SOAR in my stomach as I utilize the mirror above my dresser to fix my hair. I’ve lost track of how many times I’ve changed my hairstyle and my clothes. I even changed the color of my nails twice because of nerves.
Luckily, my dad isn’t here to watch me fuss over my appearance. Not that he really pays much attention these days anyway. He went with Jasper to go pick up some new horses from a few towns over, meaning I have the cabin all to myself.
Well, almost all to myself. I’d invited Cade to sneak away from the main house and come stay the night with me.
We’d shared the same bed hundreds of times. But tonight felt different. It was the reason I’d spent so long obsessing over what I looked like. I’d always snuck into Cade’s bed with others in the rooms next to us. Tonight, no one will be around. It’ll just be him and me. No distractions. No fear of being caught.
I want it to be the night we go all the way.
A knock rattles on the door, echoing through the halls of the small cabin. I rush down the stairs, not wanting to make Cade wait long. Stopping at the door, I take a deep breath. My heart beats wildly against my chest as I wonder if I’d picked the right outfit. Is it weird to have my hair down and straightened when we aren’t going anywhere?
I puff out my cheeks, taking one last deep breath before pulling the door open.
The way Cade looks standing on the other side of the door disarms me. He stares at me, a whisper of a smile on his lips as our eyes meet.
“Goldie,” he says, his voice low. The deepness of it feels like an intimate touch along my entire body.
“Cade,” I answer back. I should step out of the doorway and let him in, but my feet don’t move. I’m stuck staring at him—appreciating him—my tongue wetting my lips as I think about finally getting to touch all of the man standing in front of me.
A T-shirt with a zip-up jacket isn’t supposed to look this good. I know Cade well enough to know that he probably didn’t think long about what to wear, yet both pieces of clothing fit him so perfectly. He has the hood pulled over his head, for once missing a hat. He looks good with the sharp edges of his face shadowed in darkness.
The slim fit pair of joggers he’s wearing also have no business molding to his perfect body so well. God. Cade Jennings looks hot as hell, but he’d be hotter if he’d finally let me strip him naked like he’s stripped me numerous times before.
I only look back at his face when I hear him let out a low chuckle. My eyes snap to him, finding one corner of his lips lifting up in a smirk. “Are you going to leave me out here to freeze?”
Rolling my eyes, I grab his hand and pull him through the doorway. The moment I shut the door, he’s pulling me into his arms. His lips press to my forehead as I tuck my hands between the fabric of his jacket and his t-shirt.
“Missed you, Goldie,” he mutters against my skin.
“Missed you more.”
He cups my face between his large hands, softly pulling my chin so our eyes meet. “Not possible.”
I smile, lifting to my tiptoes so I can feel the press of his lips against mine. The kiss is tender and sweet. We aren’t rushing to have an intimate moment like we usually do. It’s hard to find a second alone together between our friends and family, so most of our kisses are late at night under the moonlight or in his bed. Sometimes we manage to sneak some in the stalls, or in one of the barns, or in the trees on a ride. But those kisses are rushed. This one isn’t.
I love knowing that I’ll have him all to myself for the night. There are so many things I want to do. The biggest thing? Finally having sex with him. There’s no one else I’d rather take my virginity than the man I’ve been in love with for years.
Our lips pull apart, but the rest of us stay pressed against one another. “For the record”—I begin, nipping at his thumb brushing over my lip—“I definitely missed you more.”
Cade lifts an eyebrow. “And what makes you think that?”
“Because I couldn’t stop thinking about you. Even as Pippa and I went out to get milkshakes at Pop’s, all I thought about was you.”
“It took me twice as long to get the nightly chores done because I kept getting distracted with the anticipation of spending all night with you.”
“You spend almost every night with me.”
“Not quite like this. I get you all to myself. It’s like a date.”
I pull him toward the kitchen. I’d spent an hour trying to come up with something to make the two of us for dinner, but there weren’t a lot of options. Most nights I eat dinner with Cade’s family. Linda always sends something back with me to give Dad. But tonight, even though it’s technically a late dinner, I wanted to make something, to pretend for a moment that we live together and I’ve made him a meal after a long day of work.
Pointing at the small table in the corner, I tell him to sit. He surprisingly follows my direction. Cade falls into the chair, his eyebrows raised as he watches me closely.
I pull out a pot from the cabinet next to the stove. “You know, if you want to take me on a real date, all you have to do is ask.”
“I’d love nothing more than to take you on a real date.”
I busy myself with filling the pot with water as my cheeks get warm. He answered so suddenly and so sure, something I wasn’t expecting since he’d never mentioned taking me anywhere off this ranch.
“You would?”
“Of course.”
“Then why haven’t you?”
“Because no one knows about us, Goldie. We probably need to tell Pip before we do anything. You ready to do that?”
My mouth snaps shut. It’s been hard keeping this a secret from my best friend. When you have a crush, you want to be able to talk about it with your best friend, and I haven’t been able to do that. When we were getting ice cream tonight, I wanted to tell her I thought I was finally going to lose my virginity. I haven’t been able to tell her all the things I want to because the boy I want to give everything to is her brother.
It’d be easier to tell her if I knew how she’d react. I know everything about her, yet I have no idea how she’d take the news about Cade and me. She might be totally fine with it, or she might feel completely betrayed knowing we’ve kept this secret from her for months.
“That’s what I thought.” Cade sighs, leaning back in the kitchen chair. It groans underneath his weight.
“How do you think she’ll take it?” I carefully set the pot of water on the stove before flipping the burner to its highest setting.
“I think she’ll be hurt we kept this from her.”
That’s what I’m afraid of. The last thing I want to do is go into living together with her upset with me. Our college move-in date is getting closer and closer. The closer it gets, the more hesitant I am to tell Pippa anything.
Why couldn’t I fall in love with someone who wasn’t my best friend’s brother?
“You’re leaving in a few weeks. It’s probably best we don’t tell her—or anyone. We don’t have to go anywhere.” His tone is unreadable. I can’t figure out if he’s upset with me, or if he just doesn’t care about telling anyone.
I nod, not wanting to start a fight. Every time he mentions me leaving, I want to tell him that I’d consider staying if he’d just ask. Or we could figure something else out. I could do this semester in person and then look into virtual classes. I’d do anything if it meant whatever is happening between us didn’t have to expire the day I move away.
I swallow the emotions that are threatening to spill over. I don’t want to ruin our night together talking about this so I have to find a way to keep it together. This is supposed to be one of the best nights of my life, I just have to steer our conversation to something safer.
“I don’t need a public date anyway. I like spending time with you here.”
Cade watches me carefully. Whatever is going through his head, he keeps it to himself. He makes me anxious with his brooding stare as he watches me carefully turn the burner down before the boiling water overflows.
He doesn’t utter a word as I cook the macaroni noodles, and not when I strain the water out and mix the artificial cheese packet with milk and butter.
In fact, he doesn’t say anything until I place a bowl of steaming boxed mac and cheese in front of him. And only to say thank you. I take a seat across from him, suddenly not very hungry thanks to the lingering tension in the air.
I spin the noodles around in my bowl with my spoon, never committing to actually taking a bite. I continue the pattern for a minute or two before Cade clears his throat.
“What are you expecting to happen to us when you leave?”
His words catch me off guard. I’d kind of figured we’d switch the conversation to something inconsequential like the weather or how the trails were today. Not about the future—not about what’s going to happen between us.
I shrug because I don’t really have an answer for that. It seems like all of our lives lead up to this summer, to us finally accepting the fact that there’s a connection between us that’s undeniable. It’s both terrible and perfect timing for us to come together like this after all this time. But there’s still the giant what-if at the end of this.
“We figure it out?” I ask hesitantly.
Cade nods, scooping up a large bite of mac and cheese and taking a bite. He chews slowly, his eyebrows furrowed as he thinks about my answer. “And what does figure it out mean exactly?”
I push my bowl out from in front of me. I’m not hungry. I don’t want to think about what happens when I leave. I want to think about tonight with Cade. It’s too painful, filled with too many unknowns, to think about the future.
“It means that I don’t want to ruin what’s happening between us at this moment with questions about what happens next. Because I don’t know what will happen next. All I know is that I want you.”
Two lines form in between his eyebrows as he stares back at me. He gives no indication on what direction his mind is going in. I don’t even know what his plans are for when I leave. Does he even want to try and keep this up—whatever this is to begin with?
His silence makes me anxious. I pull my lip from my teeth before I worry it so hard it bleeds. I swallow all the anxious nerves bubbling up in my throat to get out my next question. “Do you want me?”
A loud growl rips from Cade’s throat. He stands up so quickly that the chair hits the wall behind him with a thud. My mouth opens at the shock from the noise before he’s dropping to his knees in front of me, pulling me against his chest.
He holds me by the back of the neck, angling my head to look back at him. “Do you really not know the answer to that question?”
“I don’t know,” I whisper.
His eyes soften as he looks at me with such a powerful look, it’s the first time I wonder if he may love me back. And not the kind of love that comes with growing up with someone. The kind of love that’s all consuming. The kind of love that’s like a brand to the soul, one that lingers in the deepest depths of your heart for the rest of your life. The kind that goes from I love you to I’m in love with you.
“It doesn’t feel right to say I want you,” he begins. My stomach plummets at his words, coldness washing over my body as I worry that this is him ending something we’ve barely begun.
He must sense the dread overtaking my body because he pulls me to the edge of the chair, and my legs wrap around his middle as our chests brush up against one another. “It doesn’t feel right to say I want you because it’s so much more than that. Saying I want you makes it seem like it’s just a choice. What I feel for you—how bad I need you—doesn’t just feel like a choice. It feels undeniable. Like fate.”
Cade leans in, trapping my lips between his before I can get out any kind of answer for him. It’s best that way, I was about to tell him that loving him never felt like a choice to me—it feels embedded in my soul. It just is. No choice, no accident. But that would’ve been me confessing I’ve fallen for him, and I don’t know if we’re ready for that yet.
Not for the first time, we let our bodies do the talking. Words don’t come as we get lost in the kiss in the middle of my childhood home’s tiny kitchen.
When my lips feel raw, our bodies finally parting slightly, a smile lifts both corners of my lips.
“Should we go to my room?”
