My body has tripped back to kinda nocturnal but mostly fucked-up mode, so after the weekend, I barely see Payne. I’m up and down through the night and day and end up crashing hard over the afternoon when he’s home.
It sets me on edge because after our talk, things feel fragile between us.
When I wake up after midnight on Wednesday … well, Thursday, I guess, I find Payne passed out on the couch. His mouth is hanging open, and his light brown hair is splayed across his face and the cushion he’s lying on. He looks adorable.
And also, ridiculously uncomfortable.
I creep over and kneel in front of him before brushing the hair back off his forehead. He makes me feel so soft and happy, but I meant what I told him. If we keep hooking up, I’d never expect it to lead to more. I can be his rebound and die happy with that.
“Payne?”
He grunts, snuffles a little, and turns his face into my palm.
“Payne?”
“Wha’s happening … huh?” He jolts awake, eyes unfocused as he blinks my face into view. “Bo-Bo. I missed you.” His voice is heavy with sleep, and I’m not convinced he’s fully awake, but I want to bottle his words. They’re like sunshine.
“I missed you too, man. But it’s late, and you have to be up early.”
He yawns widely and checks the time on his phone with one eye squeezed closed. “Fuck, I must have drifted off. I tried waiting up.”
I peck him on the nose, just because I want to, then grab his hands and help haul him to his feet. “Bedtime for you.”
“K.” But before I can let him go, he closes his arms around me and pulls me close. “Night, Bo-Bo.”
I can still feel him even after he releases me and staggers down the hall.
My heart swells.
But I’m sure he’s going to kill me with wanting.
How, how did Kyle give that man up?
If I ever see him again, I’m going to make sure he remembers exactly what he’s missing.
I try to stay awake until six so I can see Payne before he leaves for work, but by four, I’m exhausted. I crash, and when I’m up again, he’s long gone. At least it’ll be the weekend soon and I will finally get to see him again, because him saying he misses me makes me miss him more.
I’m still foggy with sleep when I stumble into the kitchen and grab my morning mug from the cupboard, so it takes me a second to register what I’m seeing.
A yellow crane. In my cup.
I pluck it out and read the words good morning, sunshine written along the wing. It comes with me to my desk, and every time I glimpse it through the day, my smile is out of control. Words are flowing on a stupid piece about unrequited love, and I’m having so much fun with it, the usual guilt about not focusing on my book is absent.
I sit on my balcony for lunch, looking up at Kill Pen that looms over the hilly streets dotted with magnolia trees.
I take an extra-long shower where I don’t even jerk off.
I cook dinner, then wrap half and put it in the fridge, along with another crane that says, I hope you had a good day, followed by a heart.
The next day, when I find cranes hidden in random places all over the house, I’m not sure what this is, but know it’s something.
Maybe it’s fragile, and maybe it amounts to nothing, and maybe it means more to me than it does to Payne, but every crane I find through the day and night gets pressed flat and put in my drawer, where I can easily retrieve them and read the notes.
I dreamed we went to the beach together last night.
Ford showed me how to change brake pads yesterday.
Your smile is amazing.
I hope your muse hits soon.
I’ll pick up milk on the way home.
Everything from cute to funny to FYIs makes me grin like an idiot, and I’m so happy he’s not home to see me find these things.
Half an hour before I’m due to meet Marty, I shower, change, then head out. And when I get to the Killer Brew, I find Payne leaning against the wall by the door. His strong legs are planted wide, hands tucked into the pockets of his shorts.
“Hey,” I say.
“Hi.”
“What are you …” I glance around, but he’s still watching me. “Shouldn’t you be at work?”
“I asked to take a late lunch since I knew you’d be catching up with Marty.”
“Damn, I’m predictable.”
“There’s nothing predictable about you. I like it.”
I shiver, and it makes his face light up. “Is that your nice way of calling me weird?”
“Damn, Beau,” he says, following me inside. “Enough with the weirdness shit.”
I order three coffees, and Payne doesn’t say anything about me paying. I’ve never realized before how much I love that. We step aside to wait, and I give him a shy look. “I guess we both failed.”
He scoffs. “I don’t fail at anything.”
“The deal was if you move in, you help me be normal.”
“Normal is boring.” He gives me a look that dares me to argue. “But what did you fail at?”
“The deal I made with myself is that I’d use this chance to get to know you better, then pick at your faults like I do with every other guy, and it would make me get over you.”
“You talk about your feelings so easily.”
It’s a lot harder than he thinks. I shift. “Well, uh, it’s not a secret anymore. We both know. I’m not embarrassed.”
“Well, if it helps, you were always going to fail.”
“I was?”
“Of course.” He snorts. “I don’t have faults.”
I know he’s joking, but he’s absolutely correct about that. Our order is up, and we grab the coffees, then head over to meet Marty.
“You should join us every week,” I say.
He shakes his head. “Nah, this is yours and Marty’s thing. I’ll only impose this once.”
“Why? Because you missed me?” I tease.
His gaze finds mine. “I did.”
“Me too.” Then I press my coffee to my lips so he can’t see the way he’s made me smile.
Marty’s waiting in the usual spot, and he lights up when he sees Payne with me. “Where did you find this guy?”
“Lurking around a coffee shop.”
I watch them hug, and it makes me happy that their affection hasn’t changed from when we were kids. Payne’s never been that older brother who acted embarrassed by Marty.
“We’re not going to have to put up with you every week now, are we?” Marty asks.
Payne clutches his chest like he’s wounded. “The love … It hurts …”
“Beau sees you enough at home. I doubt he wants your ugly mug cutting into this time too.”
Actually, Beau does want his ugly mug cutting into any and all time. But I know what they both mean. This is the only time Marty and I actually get solo.
“Please.” Payne slings an arm around my shoulders. “Beau loves me.”
“Like a hole in the head, maybe.” Marty nods in the direction we usually walk. “Come on, I want to get my steps in before I need to get back. We can’t all have fast metabolisms.”
Payne lifts the bottom of his Ford’s Garage polo, revealing his lightly sculpted abs. “Don’t know what you mean.”
I whack him, and he releases me.
Payne clears his throat. “Actually, I have news.”
“Yeah?” The wide smile he’s wearing should set me at ease but instead makes me nervous.
“We got an offer on the apartment, and as of an hour ago, it’s sold.”
“Shit, that’s great,” Marty says.
I go to agree, but my stomach gets tight and distracts me.
“Yeah.” Payne runs a hand through his hair. “I feel great, you know? Like, things are starting to happen for me.” He catches my eye. “Good things.”
Good things? The dread loosens. “I’m really happy for you.”
Even if I have no idea what that means for our living arrangements, it doesn’t matter. If Payne’s happy, that’s all I need.
We walk along, with Payne filling us in on how his week has been at the garage, and the whole time, I can tell that Marty wants to ask me something. I already know it will be about Lee, and I’m dreading it. Maybe Payne feels the questions coming too, though, because he doesn’t let Marty get a word in.
“And the number of times I pick up something covered in oil when—”
“Fascinating,” Marty says over the top of him. “But that’s enough work talk for one day. Beau, how was your date last weekend? And that’s mostly rhetorical because Lee has been walking around the office like a kicked puppy.”
Ouch. I should never have agreed to go out with him. That wasn’t fair. But I also called him immediately after to let him know there wasn’t anything there between us. It was one date, where he shouldn’t have wanted to see me again either, so the moping is a bit overboard.
“How does that look exactly?” Payne asks. “Like is he limping? Whimpering? Staggering sideways?”
“Sad, Payne. He’s sad.”
“And why is that Beau’s problem?”
“And why is this your business?” Marty turns back to me. “Come on, out with it. What was wrong with this one?”
I don’t want to answer because anything I say will sound like I’m making excuses, but Marty won’t let this drop. “He ordered for me. Stuff I didn’t like.”
“Uh-huh.”
“And he wouldn’t stop touching me.”
Marty jerks back. “Like, inappropriately?”
“No, just … my hand and my back and my face.”
“It was a date. What was he supposed to do? Build a twenty-foot wall between you?”
“If Beau doesn’t want to be touched, he shouldn’t be touched, end of story.”
Marty levels Payne with a look. “He told me about you. An asshole? Since when are you an asshole? What was up with that?”
Payne shrugs and turns away, leaving Marty to eye him for a second before refocusing back on me.
“Did you ask him not to touch you?”
“Well, no, but I kept moving away.”
“Beau …”
“And he was grumpy when the restaurant was taking too long.”
“I get grumpy when the restaurant takes too long.” He pauses to take a sip of his coffee, but I can hear him thinking. “I don’t understand. You say you want to find someone, but I set you up with these great guys, and you don’t give any of them a chance.”
Payne snorts.
We both ignore him.
“I guess I was wrong. I like being single. Available,” I throw in for Payne’s benefit, but I drop my gaze to where I’m spinning my cup in my hands so I don’t have to see either of their expressions. “Not everyone is built for a relationship, and I’m learning that I’m okay with that. I’m not the dating kind. And that’s fine. I love my life, with or without someone to share it with.”
Let’s see if I’m still saying that once Payne moves out and finds his own place.
“Okay, no more setting you up.”
“Thank you.” When I’m brave enough to look back up, Marty’s giving me a soft smile.
“As long as you’re happy, I’m happy.”
“Good. Because I’m actually really, really happy.”
Marty turns to look at the water, and I take the chance to glance at Payne. He’s already watching me, lips bunched in confusion, so I nudge my shoulder against his.
His expression doesn’t change, and at first I worry what it means, but then …
Payne’s hand closes over my nape. He squeezes gently, skin warm, and his fingers skim my hairline as he pulls away.
Butterflies explode in my gut.
They stick around for the whole walk.
I try to wait up for Payne to get home from work, but I end up crashing, and when I wake again, it’s 1:00 a.m. Sighing, I haul ass out to my desk, surprisingly well rested and ready to write.
But before I can sit down, my gaze catches on my shelf.
The first book is back, and the second is missing, and there in its place is a yellow crane.
Grinning, I pull it down, but when I read the words, my heart stops.
You’re the most perfectly un-normal person I’ve ever met.
I didn’t fail.
There was nothing to improve.
When my heart starts again, it explodes.
I drop the crane.
And head for Payne’s room.
