TWO WEEKS LATER
I SHOT the puck and watched it slide between the goalie’s legs, and the crowd erupted with the winning goal. Erikson, the starting forward for Boston, tapped the top of my helmet. “Good job, kid.”
Pride filled my chest, and I looked around the rink, looking for someone I already knew wouldn’t be there. Pain radiated from my heart, and I had to tamp it down. I’d buried everything to do with her since she’d ended it, putting up a wall of ice to stop myself from falling apart.
Everyone was talking a mile a minute in the dressing room. I tried to keep my dark mood to myself, but I could tell that I was sucking the life out of the celebration. I quickly changed and headed back to the place I shared with the guys. It wasn’t much different from our old house.
“Hey, man.” Lucas beat me home and was already whispering on his phone. “I love you too. Can’t wait to see you next weekend. I booked us a hotel.”
A sharp pain went through me as I pictured calling Sid after a game and telling her all about it. Why the hell wouldn’t she give it a chance? I deserved a shot at this. We could’ve made it work.
Lucas hung up the phone and turned toward me. “Listen, man, I know you do your own thing and don’t want anyone else’s opinion, but this thing between you and Sidney. It was real. You looked at her the way I look at Piper.”
“She broke it off.” I couldn’t help the growl of frustration from entering my voice.
“Yeah, but have you done anything different? You’re so caught up in her not wanting to wait around for you, but did you ever consider sacrificing for her?”
“Like quitting the team? Does it really have to be all or nothing?”
“Nah, man, I don’t mean quitting the team.” He shook his head as if he didn’t know what to do with me. “Show her she matters, that it isn’t only about your career. That she’ll always come first.” He ran his hand through his hair in exasperation. “Listen, man, these girls make hella sacrifices. They’ve got to put their trust in us, even when our jobs are full of temptations. They literally hang their hearts out, and you aren’t giving her any reason to believe you won’t crush it.” He blew out a long breath.
“I told her I love her, and she left me anyway.”
“Was that before or after you forgot to pick her up?” His voice was so sharp he practically hissed at me.
“It was a mistake.” I left him standing there, still glaring at me.
As I lay in my bed later that night, Lucas’s words streamed through my head, and anger rolled over me in waves. Fuck him for saying I hadn’t done enough. I’d laid myself bare, told her I loved her. She didn’t want it. I closed my eyes but, I couldn’t help but pull her picture up as I fell asleep. I typed a text but stopped. Who was I kidding? This was what she wanted. I needed to get over her.
SIDNEY
Banging on my bedroom door had me jumping out of bed. Mia popped her head inside. “Sidney, it’s graduation day. Pull yourself together, and let’s do this.” Her voice was full of forced peppiness, but her eyes were full of concern. It’d been weeks since I’d seen Jax, and that constant ache hadn’t lifted.
I barely left my room, and when I had, it’d been to eat ice cream and binge on shitty reality TV. There was a void in my chest, and I’d put it there. Every part of me said that getting involved with Jax was a bad idea, but the force that had brought us together was stronger than I had ever been. It was naïve to think that feelings wouldn’t get involved. In my attempt to avoid being brokenhearted, I’d shattered myself. Doubt crept in from the first moment. How could something that I needed hurt so badly?
Ending things had to be the hardest thing I would ever do. One day, I would look back on this and know that it had to happen. Probably while chasing after my kids as my husband made dinner. I wanted a father for my kids who was going to be there for them. Growing up with an absent dad who traveled for a normal job was hard, but hockey players spend six months or more on the road.
I knew all the rational reasons I’d had to end it. I’d played them on repeat since that night weeks ago, when he’d held me until I had calmed after I imploded our relationship.
But when my guard fell, the quiet voice slipped in. Why couldn’t we have tried? Why couldn’t I have compromised? When I was feeling masochistic, I thought of all the ways that he’d proved he wasn’t like my dad. The little things like knowing I’d be tired and showing up with coffee and my favorite breakfast all the way to big things like delaying his best friend’s proposal because he believed I belonged there with them. I was a part of their group. He and I were a team.
I pushed my palm hard against the ache in my chest as the pain shredded through my heart. I’d pushed him away. The deeper, darker thing that I was terrified of was if I’d truly ended it to protect my future happiness, or had I done it out of fear of losing whatever this was? Because I lost it anyway, and I kept trying to convince myself I didn’t want it back.
I got dressed and came out of my room, where Mia was already waiting for me. Her eyes were soft, and she looked at me like I was a wounded animal. If it wasn’t so tragic, it would be funny.
“It’s going to be okay. Not every love story is forever.” Her voice was calming, but it stung. No matter how many times I told myself that, I came to the same thought. I wish it was forever. I wish we’d found a way. I wish I wasn’t so damaged by my own dad. When I was tired, I let myself be selfish and wish he could’ve stayed with me, wish he would break the gender norms and my career could be the important one, but I would never expect that of him. Jax giving up his dreams was as bad as me giving up mine, leaving me exactly where I was now. Heartbroken.
The ceremony was long, with my dad conveniently forgetting to attend, but an overwhelming feeling of pride still overtook me. I did it. I’d started out on this path with a plan, and I’d made it through, and now I was onto phase two. I desperately wanted to call Jax, to hear his voice congratulating me, but the person who understood what I was going through was the person I couldn’t reach out to, knowing it would hurt us both. Thinking about where he was right now, I pictured him skating with his team, and a smile tipped my lips. He deserved it. He deserved all of it. He was amazing, and he was going to find some actress or supermodel who was in the business and had a similar schedule, and they were going to have the happiness we couldn’t. Jealousy filled me as tears built in my eyes, but I fought against them. I’d done this.
My phone buzzed in my hand.
Jax: Congratulations, Sidney, I’m proud of you.
My heart slammed in my chest that he knew how much I’d want to hear from him today. I felt shattered now that I had. Gently tracing the words over the screen, I typed back.
Me: We did it. We reached for big dreams and somehow, we’ve made it.
I felt tears drip down my cheek, and rawness scratched at my skin, knowing what I’d given up. Straightening, I wiped my eyes and went to find Mia. Tonight, we would celebrate. Or, at the very least, I’d get drunk enough to forget.
