“TWO MORE WEEKS,” I moaned to Morgan over the phone after getting home from Moe’s. “Honestly, I’m not sure I’m going to make it.”
“It’s that bad?”
“It’s just hard.” I perched on the foot of my bed and flopped onto my back. “How do you get over someone when you have to see them every day? And you practically live together? And you feel like part of the family?”
“It’s funny, you didn’t talk this way about Neil and the Vanderhoofs,” she said. “And you saw him every day, you definitely lived with him, and you nearly took his family name.”
“I never felt this way about Neil. Or anyone else.”
“I’ve never heard you talk this way about anyone else.” She sighed. “Is it possible Austin feels the same as you do but he’s just being all closed-off man about it?”
“Yes. But don’t tell me to confront him about his feelings. I’d rather die.”
“But if you—”
“I want him to come to me, Morgan,” I said quietly. “I need him to come to me and say the words.”
“And if he doesn’t?”
“Then I’ll see you in two weeks.”
I didn’t go over to the house for dinner that night. Instead, I went to the grocery store and picked up some ready-made pasta salad and a bottle of wine, and ate by myself in front of the TV.
I was finishing my second glass of wine and third episode of Ted Lasso when I heard a knock on the door. Hitting pause on the remote, I set my wine glass aside and went to answer it. My heart was beating fast, but I told myself not to get my hopes up.
It was Austin.
“Hey,” he said, wiping his palms on his jeans. “You’re here.”
“I’m here.”
“When you texted you weren’t coming over for dinner, I thought maybe you were going out.”
“No, I just . . . had a headache,” I lied. “But I’m fine now.”
“Can I come in?”
I stood back as he entered, closing the door behind him.
“I wanted to tell you something,” he said.
“What?”
“I talked to my dad,” he said, a hint of a grin appearing. “About my business.”
My jaw fell open. “You did?”
“Yes. And you were right. He wants me to do what I love.”
“Oh, Austin, I’m so happy for you.” I smiled at him. “That’s great news.”
“It is.” He rushed toward me, placing his hands on my shoulders. “And it means you have a reason to stay, if you want to.”
I looked up at him, confused. “Huh?”
“I’ll need a nanny to help me out with the kids even after they go back to school. Starting my own business will take a lot of time and energy, and Two Buckleys can’t just close up shop without warning. We have a lot of jobs on the books.”
“You want me to stay . . . as your nanny?”
“Yes. It’s perfect.” He dropped his hands and began pacing back and forth in front of the TV. “The kids adore you, and you’re so great with them. You learned the summer routine so quickly, I’m positive the school routine will be a piece of cake. You can stay here over the garage—I’ll insulate and heat it for you. Of course, if you want to get a different place, that’s cool too. I can—”
“Hold on.” I held up both palms. “Stop a minute. I just want to be clear. You’re asking me to stay because you want me to continue being your nanny?”
He looked uncomfortable. “Well . . . yeah.”
I took a breath and forced myself to be brave. “What happens with us?”
“Well, we could be like before. I mean, not out in the open, since you’d still be working for me, but it’s better than nothing, right?”
I closed my eyes, disappointment washing over me like heavy rain. “It’s better than nothing. But it’s not enough.”
“What do you mean?” His tone had an edge to it.
“I mean, I love the kids, and I love it here, but I’m not interested in staying because you need a nanny, Austin.” I didn’t want to cry, but a sob was working its way up to my throat.
“But this is what I can offer you right now,” he said angrily. “And I don’t understand why you won’t take it. You said you wanted a reason to stay. I’m giving you one.”
“I didn’t want to be Neil’s trophy, and I don’t want to be your secret.” The tears started to fall.
“What do you want?” he demanded.
“I want to be chosen!” I cried. “I want to be enough for someone—just me. As I am.”
He looked dumbstruck. His mouth opened, and once again, my foolish heart filled with hope—maybe he’d say the words.
But instead, he stepped back and held up his hands. “You know what? Never mind. This was a mistake.” Shouldering past me, he stormed out the door, slamming it shut behind him.
I jumped at the noise.
Then I ran into the bedroom, threw myself facedown, and sobbed.
