I sit on the sofa and watch helplessly as the twins walk out of the house. I trust that Shane knows that this is what they need so I don’t try and stop them. It feels like someone has dropped a hand grenade into our happy little family. I can imagine the turmoil that they’re in right now. I know what it’s like to have a bombshell like that dropped on you, but I can’t imagine the hurt they are feeling knowing Shane kept it from them. He’s always honest with his brothers, but he’s their protector, too. I don’t agree with his decision not to tell them as soon as he found out, but I completely see why he did what he did. I can appreciate the untenable position he felt he was in.
“Don’t think that my fuck up lets you off the hook, Jessie,” he suddenly growls in my direction and I turn to look at him. He is glaring at me in that way that turns my insides to jelly.
“What?” I blink at him.
“Sneaking out of here in the middle of the night to walk into the Wolf’s trap. Do you have any idea how fucking stupid and reckless that was?”
“Yes,” I breathe.
“You do?” he frowns at me. “So why the fuck did you do it? Have we not had enough of you walking out on us with nothing more than a note to last a lifetime?”
“Shane!” Conor shoots him a warning look.
I swallow the ball of emotion in my throat. Hadn’t we agreed we’d never bring that up again? Yet the first chance he gets, he uses it against me.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that,” he shakes his head. “I’m just so fucking angry at you, Jessie. What if the twins hadn’t noticed you were missing for hours? What if he’d taken you? What if we’d lost you?”
“I did consider all of that, Shane.”
“But you went anyway?” he snaps.
I look to Conor for some support but he shakes his head at me, too. “I’m with Shane on this, Angel. I’ve no idea what you were thinking pulling a stunt like that.”
“No, well you wouldn’t.” I sit back and fold my arms across my chest.
“And just what the hell is that supposed to mean?” Shane frowns at me.
I lean forward. “Have you ever known what it was truly like to feel fear every second of every single day? And I don’t mean when you were a kid and you were scared of your dad. I mean as an adult, when you are independent and capable and strong.”
They both blink at me and I go on because they have no clue how it has felt to live my life.
“To know that no matter how strong you are, how tough you become, how good you are at firing a gun, or hacking a computer, or bench-pressing your own body weight, that it doesn’t matter, because there will always be some man who is bigger and stronger than you are, no matter how hard you work. And to not know whether that man is out there, watching you, waiting for you to make one little mistake before he pounces, so that no matter what you’re doing, popping to the grocery store for milk, getting your hair blown out, or just walking down the street to go home, you never ever feel completely safe? Have you ever felt that?”
“No.” They answer in unison.
“I have lived that every second of every day for the past ten years. I was not prepared to let him get away and have to go through that again. So I did what I had to do.” I’m shouting now and tears are rolling down my face but I can’t stop. The emotions of the past few days are pouring out of me and I can’t do a damn thing to stop them. “I would rather die than live the rest of my life afraid like that. So, yes I thought long and hard about what I was doing, and the only regret I have is that I put you all in danger. But if you are waiting for me to apologize for making a decision about my own goddamn life, then you will be waiting a long freaking time!” I shriek the last part before pushing myself to my feet and walking out of the room with tears streaming down my face. They didn’t deserve that, but the man I am really angry at is dead, so they will have to do.
I’m lying on my bed when the door opens and Conor walks into the room.
“Hey,” I say as I wipe the tears from my cheeks.
He arches one eyebrow at me. “You feeling better?”
“I’m sorry I offloaded on you both like that,” I sniff.
He sits down on the bed beside me and places his warm hand over mine. “You’ve been through a lot, Angel, but you were wrong when you said we don’t know how it feels to live in fear.”
“I was?” I frown at him. He and his brothers are the fiercest men I know. Who could they possibly be afraid of?
“It might be a different kind of fear, but we felt the Wolf’s shadow over your life as much as you did. Did you not think that we were terrified he would come for you just as much as you were?”
I open my mouth to speak but he narrows his eyes at me. “Physical pain we can endure, Jessie. All of us have had more than our fair share of it. But losing you is our single greatest fear. You don’t get to be so reckless with your own life when you mean so much to other people, don’t you get that?”
“I do,” I nod at him. “But you wouldn’t listen to me. Whenever I suggested anything that involved me, you and Shane shut me down. I felt like I had no other choice.”
“We should have listened to you, Angel,” he admits.
“I’m sorry I snuck out,” I say, despite me being adamant that I wouldn’t apologize for that just fifteen minutes earlier.
He smiles at me. “I know.”
