I wake up with a total recall of everything that happened yesterday and the wave of shame that hits me is— well, I consider slitting my wrists in the bathtub so I don’t have to face anyone this morning. Okay, that’s a little dramatic but, fuck, I don’t want to have any conversations right now. I don’t want to look anyone in the eye. I just want to melt into a crowd and disappear into nothing.
I’m almost willing to risk my brain exploding to get the chip out of my neck.
My room is still dark but my eyes are adjusted to it and I can tell that Nox is the only one still missing. Brutus is stretched out on the bed next to me but his little smoky body barely takes up any space. North is still in the bed, shirtless and frowning in his sleep with an arm still over my waist. I refuse to think about how hard his dick is as it rubs against my ass because it has everything to do with morning wood and nothing to do with who is in his arms.
I can’t believe he pretended to give a fuck about me to get me to calm down.
Gryphon is asleep in the chair at the end of the bed, and I can make out Gabe on the mattress by the bed.
I can’t see Atlas, but I also desperately need to pee, so I wriggle out from under North, carefully so I don’t wake him, and then start to creep around the bodies to get to the bathroom.
I find Atlas already in there, shirtless and sitting on the bathroom counter with his phone. He looks exhausted, and I instantly feel guilty.
When I ease the door shut behind myself, he jumps down and pulls me into his arms, his cheek pressed against the top of my head as he lets me soak him in.
“How are you feeling? What do you need?” he murmurs, and I choke on a laugh that sounds more like a sob.
“You mean other than to pee? I need to never look at anyone ever again. I need to get out of here before this gets worse and I need to never have to face either of the Dravens again.”
He doesn’t laugh or try to placate me, his hand gentle as he rubs my back and we stand there in silence, wrapped up in each other, until my bladder can’t take it anymore.
He doesn’t want to step out to let me pee but there is absolutely no fucking way that I can pee with him in here, even if he turns his back. He goes as far as the other side of the bathroom door, leaving it unlocked because while my bond frenzy might be over with, the damage it caused is still there, waiting to be dealt with.
The moment I turn the tap on to wash my hands, he comes back in, watching over my every move as I do my morning routine of washing up and brushing my teeth.
“There was a bomb under the stadium. One of the techs sensed it and found it with enough time to get it disarmed and everyone out. When North heard about it, he sent Black to get us out.”
I scrub at my face with my cleanser, the new one I got on our shopping spree that smells divine, and mutter, “Why didn’t he grab you as well then? Why did he take me by myself?”
He blows out a breath and hops back up onto the countertop, his muscles bunching and flexing in a very delicious way. “He was trying to get to Ardern to take all three of us at once. When your bond reacted to the small space and the panic, he changed plans. I went to Ardern and drove us both back here, and the others met us here with you.”
I nod slowly, rinsing off and then patting my face dry. My skin is soft and dewy, but it almost feels self-indulgent to be doing this while my Bond is sitting there looking like death warmed up. I clear my throat and lean into him. “Did something… else happen? Did I do something wrong? More wrong than pawing at you all like a fucking—”
He catches the back of my neck in one hand and pulls me in, pressing our foreheads together and squeezing his eyes shut tightly. “You did nothing wrong, Sweetness. You just— I’m just getting my head around what’s about to happen because the little haven we’ve built here? It’s not going to work anymore and not just because North and the others know you’re struggling. Your bond came out because she wants more. That’s what you were saying last night, over and over again.”
I whimper, not because of my stupid bond for once, but because of the relief that floods my veins at the thought of this terrible longing I’ve been living with finally being dealt with.
Except it can’t.
“What if I get stronger, Atlas? What if… I can barely keep it contained now, I can’t get any stronger!”
He takes my face into his hands and holds me still, his eyes still screwed tightly shut. “If you burn, I burn with you. You’re not alone, Oli, not for one second. I told you before, I’m not afraid.”
I am, though, I’m terrified, and the moment my heart starts to race in my chest, I hear the others start to wake up. Brutus comes bounding through the closed door, the smoke moving through the wood as if he’s a ghost or something, and then he climbs up the backs of my legs to blend into my hair again.
I hold my breath when there’s a knock on the door, Gryphon calling out, “What’s going on in there? Why is Oli upset?”
Atlas blows out a breath and scowls at Brutus as his nose pops out to brush against my cheek, the one little action he has to check in with me. He’s usually quiet about it but my heart is still thundering onto my ribcage like it’s out here to break bones, and I’m not surprised everyone is freaking out about it.
“Bassinger? What the hell is going on?”
Atlas grabs my hips to push me backwards a little, only enough that he can jump back down from the counter, and swings the door open, snapping at Gryphon, “None of your fucking business is what’s happening. Oli is allowed to brush her fucking teeth without answering to you assholes and if you don’t back the hell up right now, I’ll throw you out of here. All of you. Now fuck off and let her come out when she’s goddamned ready.”
He moves to slam the door shut again but Gryphon shoves his body into the doorframe, taking Atlas by surprise as he shoves his way in. “She doesn’t answer to me but you don’t get to speak for her either. She’s freaking out and I don’t think any of us want a replay of last night. What’s wrong so we can sort it out before another frenzy happens?”
Jesus.
Of course he doesn’t want that, none of them do, but he was also the guy laughing the last time my bond took a real interest in him and oh my God can the ground just open up and swallow me whole now, please? I practically assaulted two of my Bonds last night just to get their skin on mine.
Why didn’t Atlas or Gabe just help me instead? Why did North have to lie to me and let my bond get even more attached to him? It’s easy for them, they just want their powers from me and they don’t have to live with the consequences of being Bonded.
They don’t have to become the monster that everyone knows I’m going to be.
I take a breath, and then another one, because over my dead fucking body am I going to let myself go into another frenzy and have these men responsible for calming me down. I can’t have them treating me as though they care.
I can’t have them pretending that they want me for anything more than a completed Bond.
“I’m fine. I have it under control,” I croak, my voice hoarse now that I’m trying to hold everything in.
Atlas glances over his shoulder at me and whatever determination is in my eyes now has him nodding at me, his shoulders still tight with anger at Gryphon’s insistence on coming in here. I glance down at myself but I’m still wearing the jersey with Gabe’s number on it and jeans from last night.
“I’m going to have a shower and get cleaned up. I’ll skip out on the training session this morning, Gryphon. It’s not a great idea for me right now. I’ll spend today studying and getting my head together and we can all just do what we can about forgetting last night happened. It won’t ever happen again.”
I’m proud of how calm and sure I sound, and neither of them attempt to argue with me as they step out of the bathroom. I scrub myself clean of the shame and humiliation of what happened and when I get myself dry and wrapped up in a towel, I pause for a second before I walk out.
Two Bonds in my room, so my guess is that North and Gryphon have gone and it’s only Gabe and Atlas left out there, thank God. Facing Atlas wasn’t so bad and I’m sure I can get comfortable around Gabe again, just so long as I don’t think about how he looked at me last night.
I push the door open and find that it’s actually Atlas and North still here arguing quietly, hissing at each other like they’re trying not to disturb me, and I come to an abrupt halt as I clutch at my towel. They both turn to stare at me as one.
Atlas recovers first, stepping over to me and ushering me into the closet like he’s covering me from North’s eyes. It’s sweet, but then my stupid brain reminds me that he’s already seen it all before and obviously wasn’t impressed.
Jesus.
I clamp down an iron-like control over my bond and force it into submission, the same way I had to when I escaped the Resistance, and even with the extra juice it has now that we’re surrounded by my Bonds, I manage to get it to heel.
“Everything is fine, Sweetness. Get dressed and we’ll go find something to eat. I called Gloria to tell her you were under the weather, she was happy to cover you,” Atlas says, turning his back as he stands in the doorframe while I get dressed.
I grab whatever is closest and most comfortable, a shirt from Nox and one of Gabe’s hoodies with a pair of yoga pants. I shove my feet into some sandals and try not to feel self conscious about looking just a little bit homeless.
Atlas never seems to mind.
When I step back over to Atlas, he slings an arm around me and then turns me to face North again. He’s back in his suit, a little creased looking thanks to his night with me draped all over him, and I force myself not to cringe or freak out about it.
I force my bond not to react to him.
“Dinner tonight. Everyone will be here and we will discuss this. If either of you have any more secrets you’re keeping from us, this is the time to say so. If you choose not to, I won’t be so forgiving about it.”
I SPEND the day desperate to act as though everything is fine and totally normal and definitely not as though the walls are all crumbling down around me.
Atlas buys me breakfast and then drives me to a park at the very edge of the perimeter that North had given me to stay within, a clear pushing of boundaries because whatever was said between them this morning while I showered has pissed him off. We sit together and eat in silence, not uncomfortable but definitely charged because there’s too much in the air around us.
When we get back to the manor, I keep my head down the entire way back up to my room and just focus on staying calm. Atlas puts a movie on but spends most of his time on his phone to his parents, the news of the bomb scare reached them all the way on the East Coast. I’m sure they’re hating me now for taking their son away and putting him in so much danger.
I throw myself back into studying because it’s a great distraction.
Gabe doesn’t come back to my room until after lunch, his textbooks in his arms and his eyes on the ground as he walks in. Guilt floods me but I plaster a smile on my face and welcome him into my little study bubble on the floor. He’s a little stiff and formal, none of the easy friendship we’d worked so hard to establish, but after an hour or so, he calms down and slips back into our usual routine.
I can feel the hours as they pass, the tension slowly heightening as we get closer to dinner time, and when Atlas finally shoves his phone away and sighs at me, I know I can’t put it off any longer.
“Oli, it’s not that big of a deal,” Gabe mutters as I start stacking my textbooks up and clearing away the study mess.
I scoff at him. “You wouldn’t even look at me when you first came in. Sorry I’m not so keen on facing Nox after I practically threw myself at a man who loathes the very sight of me.”
Gabe’s eyes flick down to my hair as though he’s looking at Brutus but the smoke puppy is still tucked firmly away behind my ear. It’s hard to explain how I know that he’s there, it’s a feeling… but not at the same time. I just know it, the same way that I know my heart is beating or that my hair is silver. It’s just the way it is.
“I don’t think that’s exactly what happened, but I’m sorry I made you feel like shit about it. I was just… it was hard to see you like that. I’m sure it was also hard to be in that state.”
That state.
What a lovely way of putting it. I force my face to stay a blank slate but Gabe realizes and curses under his breath again, scrubbing a hand over his face. “I’m getting this all fucking wrong again. I meant that I knew how badly you didn’t want any of them to know about what’s going on. I knew you didn’t trust them. I knew that you would’ve been horrified at what was happening and had no control. I didn’t know what to do because I don’t know exactly what your gift is capable of. I was completely fucking powerless because if I tried to intervene, it might have gotten worse for you. I would’ve though, if anyone had tried to Bond with you, I would’ve stopped them but… now I feel like I should’ve stepped in sooner. I feel like I’ve failed you all over again.”
We’re really getting good at hurting each other, aren’t we?
I clear my throat and push myself up to my feet to hug him, a quick squeeze of my arms around him as I blink at the ground for a minute longer. “I’m fine. I’m mortified and scared of what’s going to happen now, but that’s not your fault. It’s no one’s fault but my own.”
He pulls me in tighter, keeping me against his body even as I’m ready to pull away from him. It’s as though he’s desperate to find our normal again, desperate to have something return to the little moment of peace that we’d found together, but I already know that it’s not.
The dinner is going to ruin everything.
Atlas wraps an arm around my shoulder and holds me tight as we walk down and Gabe keeps a hold of my hand. I’m once again irrationally angry about my bond acting up. Why can’t this be enough? Why can’t I just soak up these two and have everything stay the same?
When we get to the dining room, we’re the last ones to arrive and North is sitting with his assistant at his side as he signs paperwork. Nox is sitting in his usual seat with a glass of whiskey already in front of him and a sneer on his face that makes me want to die a little bit more than it usually does.
Gryphon grimaces as we walk in and my chest tightens until he snaps, “Pen, you’re done here. Anything else can wait until the morning.”
Ah.
He’s afraid I’m going to lose it at the mere sight of this woman working closely with North because I’m a sensitive little bitch now thanks to my horny, nightmare of a bond. I can’t even blame him, it’s kind of true.
The assistant looks up at me and startles as though she didn’t notice us walk in together. I don’t smile or acknowledge her, I just take my seat and avoid everyone’s eyes as I take in the food selection for the night.
There’s salmon and lobster. Someone is really looking out for me at the moment because there is nothing on this Earth as good as salmon and lobster. I could possibly, maybe, potentially deal with this dinner if that’s the food I’m getting to ingest while it’s happening.
North gathers the papers up and hands them over to the assistant, nodding at her as she does one last check to see if he’s happy for her to leave. Gryphon death-stares her from across the table as though he’s insulted she didn’t run out of here screaming at his simple command.
It’s a little bit amusing.
Just a little.
North takes a plate from the stack next to him and I don’t even bother to question him when he starts piling it up. I already know it’s for me. We all do. No one else moves to grab food, they’re all waiting until he’s done deciding what I’m eating for the night and exactly how much I’m getting.
He’s lucky that he’s filling it the way I would anyway.
Atlas’ jaw clenches tightly but he doesn’t argue with him yet. I say yet because I know it’s brewing inside him right now. I know that at some point tonight, North is going to say something and it’ll trigger some invisible trip line inside Atlas and he’ll snarl something vicious and hateful at the Dravens as a whole.
The only person safe right now from his acidic tongue is me.
North waits until I’m eating dinner and everyone else is dishing themselves up food before he starts in but, as always, he goes right for my throat. “We can’t just wait around for you to grow up and get over this little rebellious phase of yours. There are going to be changes made from tonight to ensure your bond doesn’t lash out again, Oleander.”
Rebellious phase.
Atlas very slowly and carefully places his cutlery back down onto the table, but I slip my hand into his to stop him from whatever he’s planning on doing here.
I swallow the mouthful of decadent seafood. “I don’t think it’s so much to ask for a little respect before I just… spread my legs for you all. That’s what your plan is, right? I just lie back and let you all use me for power? Why doesn’t that register to you as something I might object to?”
Gabe stiffens in the seat next to me but he attempts to cover it by grabbing his glass and gulping down some water. I’ll need to have yet another check in with him over this, I’m sure, but what I’m saying isn’t wrong.
That’s what they want.
North has to visibly unclench his jaw to answer me. “What I want is to get through the week without the fear that you’re about to render everyone in our community braindead because you’re throwing a tantrum. I’d like to know that you’re going to be responsible enough and an adult about telling your Bonds when you’re struggling and need something, even when it’s something that’s your own fault, like this.”
Ah, there it is. The shame for daring to be biologically required to complete the Bond with them.
I look around at everyone, even though I’d rather die, and Nox is goddamn smirking at our argument. Smirking because this is so funny to him.
I want to kill—
Nope.
Don’t think that, Oli. We’re still in the danger zone here.
I look down at my barely touched plate. “What are you suggesting, because I’m no longer hungry. I’m going to bed early for classes tomorrow.”
North’s eyes flick down to it too. “You need a closer proximity to all of your Bonds. You didn’t react to Gabe or Bassinger last night because you’re already getting what you need from them. We’re going to arrange a schedule and you’ll be sleeping with one of us each night. If that doesn’t work, you’re going to have to start considering the logistics of Bonding with us, otherwise you’re a danger to us all.”
Abso-fucking-lutely not.
No way.
He can’t be serious?!
But as I look around the table, I find that not only is he serious, he’s already convinced everyone at this table that it’s a good idea… if not the only solution available to us.
Fuck.
