“Are you okay, my Rose?” Lucas asked as we finished cleaning up the place. Everyone was long gone now, but the evening was spectacular.
“Yeah, I’m fine, just thinking,” I answered, grabbing a cup off the coffee table which had only been half drunk. The marshmallows had disappeared in the heat of the coco, leaving this sort of foam at the top.
“What about?” He asked, taking the cup from my hands and washing it.
“I think I need to read Ian’s letters,” I admitted, biting at my cheek. “I need to know what he said.” Lucas went silent, which only made me nervous. He turned the sink off, facing me. He dried his hands as he held my gaze. When he approached me, his eyes softened, feeling sympathy for me. Lucas pulled me into a tight hug, kissing my forehead.
“I’ll go see my mom for a little while. I am sure she’s still awake. Text me when you’re done,” he said, letting me go.
“You don’t have to leave.” He shook his head no at me before speaking.
“You should read them alone, Rose. I don’t want you feeling the need to hold back on your emotions because you’re worried about what I’ll think. I love you, my Rose. You do what you need to, and call me when you’re done. I’ll come running,” he promised.
“Thank you,” I whispered.
Lucas left me shortly after, grabbing the gift he still hadn’t given his mother. It was late, around 10 o’clock now, but his mother was still awake and expecting him. I knew he would be fine, and I appreciated him giving me privacy for this, even if I didn’t want him to go. He’s right, I would hold back if he were around.
Taking a deep breath, I dug around for the box full of red envelopes Ian had given me last month. I had stuffed it deep in my closet, too scared to read them. Now it’s time, we’ve said our goodbyes, and admitted our past feelings. It’s time to get this over with and move on. There’s a need deep inside me to close this chapter of my life, to know exactly what he said to me in those letters. What could have been if I would have gotten them. I know it will hurt, it will tear me apart to think about, but I need to know. I need to know how he felt all those years.
**Song Suggestion: “Closure” by Hayd**
I grabbed the first letter I saw, not caring about reading them in order. I opened it slowly, feeling the sadness starting to well inside me already. As usual, Ian’s penmanship was impeccably beautiful. I was always surprised by how neatly he wrote. His hand writing was always better than mine.
Dearest Red,
I can’t believe it’s been two months since I moved away now. It feels like yesterday we were laughing and talking for hours on end. I miss you so much!
I miss your smile, your laugh, and your sense of humor. I miss our inside jokes and our late-night conversations on my roof, and our favorite hang-out spot.
I also miss our adventures together. We’ve been through so much together, and I’m so grateful to have you in my life. I hope you have found someone to help you through the bad times. I worry about you being alone, Red.
I know I’m not the only one who misses you. My mom and dad miss you, too. I know you miss them, too. Having you in our house only made it so much better. Life feels so different without you by my side.
I hope to get a letter from you soon. I plan to return one day, so don’t forget about me, Red. Until then, know I’m thinking of you always.
Love,
Your best friend, Ian
My chest felt tight, and for a moment I wasn’t sure I could do this. I took another deep breath, trying to calm myself. I grabbed the next letter, feeling like my heart was breaking into a million pieces.
Dear Red,
I’ve been thinking about the time we met. It feels like yesterday we were two awkward freshmen, bumping into each other in science class. I knew from the moment I saw you that you were someone special. There was something about you that drew me in, something that made me want to get to know you better.
And I’m so glad I did. Over the past couple of years, you’ve become my best friend. You know me better than anyone else in the world, and you stayed my friend, anyway. I can’t imagine what life without you would be like, although I’m getting a glimpse of it now. It’s miserable here without you.
I miss the way you make me laugh. I miss the way you challenge me to be a better person. No one is able to encourage me the way you do. You are the most amazing girl I have ever met, and I am so lucky to have you in my life. School sucks without your sweet self by my side. I wish I could have packed you in my suitcase and brought you here, too.
I hope you’re doing well. I am still waiting on the letter you promised me. I hope you haven’t forgotten about me already.
Your best friend forever, (Despite the long distance)
Ian.
I could feel the tears start to stream down my face, falling over the letters in the box. I continued anyway, needing to read every letter, even if I became dehydrated from all the crying.
Dearest Red,
I’m writing this letter with a heavy heart. I feel like I’ve lost my best friend, and I don’t know what to do.
I know my moving away has made things hard, reducing us to writing letters to keep in touch. I understand things are different now, but I feel like you’ve forgotten about me. We used to talk all the time, and now we don’t talk at all. I have not gotten a letter from you, instead I receive the letters I sent you in return. Maybe you’ve decided to no longer be my friend, or perhaps you met someone new to take my place, and are too busy to write.
I miss our conversations. I miss being around you. I know you’re busy with your new life, but I wish you would make some time for me. I’m here for you, no matter what. I hope you’ll reach out soon. I miss you.
Love always,
Ian
My heart was breaking, reading Ian’s letters. He was hurt, thinking I didn’t want him anymore. I hated that he had felt this way, that he thought these things. I wished he could have known how desperately I needed him back then, how much I missed him.
Dear Red,
I know you’re not reading these, so I decided to pour my feelings out, to admit to you what I couldn’t in person. One day I’ll see you again and I’ll show you all these letters. I will win you over, and maybe one day convince you to marry me.
I love you, Red, as much more than just a friend. You light my world on fire in the best way. Your smile is brighter than the stars in the sky. Those eyes of yours hold a fire behind the ice, one that keeps you going even when your life is thrown to hell.
I love your voice, but your laugh, God, your laugh is like magic. It sends a happiness coursing through me that makes it impossible not to smile. Your hair is the most beautiful red I’ve ever seen. It fits you perfectly, making you stand out as you should. You don’t need to be pushed into the background, all attention should be on you.
You make my heart race and my hands sweat. I’ve never felt so happy yet so lost. You make me unsure of myself. It’s not a feeling I am used to. I like the way you bring out this side of me I didn’t know I had. An adventurous side.
Red, I hope you know how amazing you are. You belittle yourself because of the girls in school. You shouldn’t listen to them. They’re nothing but jealous bitches. Those girls don’t know you the way I do. They see someone they know is a threat to their standing. You’re going to do wonderful things, Red, and I plan to be at your side to see it all.
I love you with all my heart. I hope you read this one day and find me knelt before you with a ring. You’re my one, Red, I am sure of it.
I love you always,
Ian
I cried for a while, feeling my heart break and mend itself again. I never knew he felt this way about me. I pictured the future that could have been with him and then let it go. I let him go, along with the teenage dream I had of us together.
He’s still my friend, right?
Lucas’ P.O.V.
Christmas was more than I could have asked for. She had said yes, and despite Dad’s threats, I’ve been on cloud nine ever since. I need to get back to work before Dad discovers I’m trying to marry Rose. I get the feeling he’d try to stop it by any and all means necessary. He doesn’t need to know until it’s done and over with. I won’t put Rose, or my bud, through any unnecessary stress.
‘Good morning, my future wife.’ I kissed her forehead as I woke her. She says she’s not a sleepyhead, but she most definitely is. ‘Today’s the day.’
Sleep evaded me last night, even with Rose in my arms. I was too excited for today. It’s our first doctor’s appointment for our bud. We’ll get to see our growing baby on an ultrasound today and be sure of Rose’s due date. I’ve been giddy all night.
‘Today’s the day.’ She smiled as her eyes opened. It was the fastest she’d ever woken up, aside from the time she had to bolt to the bathroom to throw up. She is excited too. I can only imagine how she must feel, as she’s the one carrying our child.
‘Let’s get ready,’ I said, making us both jump out of bed. We got dressed and ate a quick breakfast. I made Rose a fruit salad this morning since she had been craving fruits more here lately. She says they don’t make her as nauseous as most breakfast foods.
I had to keep myself from speeding my way to the doctor’s office, which was pretty hard to do. I was ready to see my bud, and growing inpatient with every minute. It didn’t help we had to wait an hour after we checked in for them to call Rose’s name. We followed them to a back room where she was instructed to lift her shirt. A few seconds later she was squirted with warm gel. The ultrasound wand found her stomach as the technician began to move it around.
**Song Suggestion: “Light” by Sleeping At Last**
I watched the tv waiting for the image of my bud. Within moments my little rosebud came into view. Our baby looked like a little kidney bean, curved with two rounded ends. I tried to engrave the image in my brain as I watched the little bean jump around as if it knew we were watching. My eyes started to mist as I continued to watch. I grabbed Rose’s hand, kissing it tenderly, thanking her for this gift she was blessing me with. When I turned to look at her, I found tears streaking her face. She was overwhelmed by the sight of our child, just as I was.
We listened to our baby’s strong, thundering heartbeat with joy. I recorded the sound on my phone so I will never forget it. The technician printed a couple of pictures for us and confirmed the due date was July 27th-a sweet summer baby. I squeezed Rose’s hand, kissing it again as we stared at the pictures.
‘You can use this towel to clean off, and I’ll take you to your room to see the doctor,’ the technician said, handing Rose a small towel to wipe herself off with. We waited another 30 minutes in the room for the doctor. I hate how long it takes to see the doctor. I’ll go with Rose to every visit if only to keep her company. These things could be boring by yourself, I am sure.
‘Can you believe it?’ Rose broke our comfortable silence first. ‘We created this.’
She had been staring at the ultrasound pictures, mesmerized by our growing fetus. Her eyes glimmered with love, which only made me fall deeper in love with her. I think seeing her become a mother will only strengthen my love for her. She’s perfect, and she’s mine.
‘I am one lucky man.’ I smiled at her, placing my hand over her stomach. I can’t wait to feel our baby kick.
‘I am one lucky woman,’ she countered. “Me either.” I smiled at her, leaning in to kiss her temple. Her sweet vanilla scented shampoo wafted into my nose. I loved everything about her, down to her toes.
‘Hello, Olive. I am Dr. Fitz. It’s so nice to meet you.’ The doctor smiled at her, extending her hand for a small shake. ‘Is this your first pregnancy?’
‘It is,’ Rose answered.
The doctor went on to describe what would be happening to Rose’s body throughout her pregnancy. We discussed how her BRACA gene would affect it. Rose will need to keep her screening appointments and if they ever found anything we would talk about it then. It scares me to think about, and I pray it never happens. I can’t lose my Rose, not ever.
‘I know I’m dumping a lot of information on you, but I like to keep you informed. Think about everything we’ve spoken about and decide what you would like to do birthing wise. Any questions?’ We both shook our heads no, ending our visit. We stopped by the front counter to set her next appointment up and then raced home. I knew she could use a nap. She stayed up late with Ian’s letters last night. When I returned home, her eyes were puffy and pink from all the crying she’d done. It broke my heart to see her this way.
It may be wrong of me to say, but if there’s one thing I’m grateful for, it’s the fact her dad kept those letters. I get the feeling I would have never had a chance with her if she and Ian had stayed in touch. They’d probably be the ones getting married now. Still, the hurt it caused her was too much. It was definitely something she should have never gone through.
‘Sleep, my Rose.’ I rubbed her back lightly as she laid beside me.
I sat up, resting my back on the headboard. I had finished her junior year and was almost through her senior year. Apparently, Francesca had gone to her school and tormented her as well. I was happy to hear she wasn’t accepted into the IT crowd at this school. They had expelled her, which is what made her end up in school with Leo. She and Leo were in the same grade, but she didn’t start her torment on us until their senior year. I was glad she couldn’t continue to hurt my Rose, even if it put her in my path.
Dear Future Me,
We fucking did it! We survived 4 years of utter hell and came out on top. Valedictorian, baby!! Woo! Eat my shit, Jessica! Do you think they can keep me from graduating if I flip everyone off as my speech? A full minute of telling everyone fuck you.
I won’t ruin graduation like that. I’ll give them what they want and get what I need from them. Can’t burn these important bridges, especially if I’m trying to work for NASA. I don’t think they’d like reading that article. ‘Valedictorian flips off the whole graduation class for a full minute.’ They would not hire me.
I can’t wait to be away from here. I can’t wait to go to Columbia and dorm with new people. They can’t be as bad as the kids here, at least I hope not. I got a full ride with dorm paid, letting me use the money I saved from working with Joe to get my first phone, laptop and small furnishings for my dorm. I am excited to finally have these things.
Dad still doesn’t know I’m planning to live on campus. I don’t plan on telling him until I’m pulling out of the driveway. Joe said he’d drive me there, since he has business in New York city. A little out of the way, but close enough he’d take me.
This is it. I will be free of him, of these kids, of this prison and this hurt. I can’t wait to start my life anew.
A very boisterous, Past You
The entry made me smile, picturing how happy Rose felt at the time. She’d accomplished what she set out to do, reaching her goal despite the hell she’d endured every day. She’s so damn strong, the strongest person I know.
Dear Future Me,
We escaped dad! We did it! I’ve never felt so free in my life. The feeling is new, coursing a sort of giddy feeling through me. My mind is racing with a million possibilities and my body wants to do them all. I want to see everything, experience everything. All of it.
I want to conquer this world and make it my bitch. I am going to graduate top of my class in Columbia. I am going to achieve my dream and rub it in everyone’s faces. In the faces of those who doubted me or belittled me for no reason.
I am smart, determined, and caring. The world won’t change me. It won’t take that from me. This is my time, my time to explore, to learn, and to grow more than just academically.
Time to unpack and start a new journal as my freshman year of college begins.
I closed her senior year, feeling so close to my Rose. I know all about her high school years. The knowledge of her torments, depression, bullying, and small happy moments will forever reside in me. Everything that’s happened to her has shaped her into this fierce, fiery woman before me. She didn’t let it defeat her. She climbed to the top with a set goal, and she took what she deserved. She’s a champion already.
Keep fighting my Rose.
