I finally finished her journals from her junior year of college. This was it. I was finally getting to her journals about me. At the beginning of all this, I wanted only to read the journals about me, but I’m glad Rose made me work for it. I understand her better now that I’ve read her innermost thoughts about her past. She was a cherry tomato red as she handed me these journals this morning. She asked me not to read them while she was awake. Her embarrassment was adorable, but completely unnecessary.
She was asleep beside me, lightly snoring with her peacefully beautiful face. Rose is tired of interviewing around town, trying to find an engineering job for experience until the place she wants is hiring again. I tried to use my connections to help her, but she told me she’d be mad at me if I did. My Rose wants to get her job from all her hard work. I find it very noble, but I wish she’d let me help. I placed my hand over our Abi as I began to read. One more month until she’s born.
Dear Future Me,
Choose your boyfriends more wisely. Julius was a fucking waste of our time. I mean, Clover? Really? Oh yeah, choose better roommates too. The pair of them can rot in hell. My heart hurts, but I’m focusing on my anger tonight. Hailey is taking me out, and I’m determined to prove a point.
Julius isn’t the only guy I can get. Despite what he said during our relationship, I am sure other guys have noticed me. I am doing it! I’m having a one-night stand, as Hailey suggested. It’s an experience I need, anyway. Since I’m no longer a virgin, it’s not that big of a deal anymore. Fuck anyone who calls me a slut for doing it.
Now I need to find a hot-looking guy tonight and flirt my way to his bed. I’m not sure how I’ll do it, but I’m sure a little alcohol will be involved. Hurray for being 21 already! Time to get drunk and get laid.
A vengeful, Past You
I smirked, knowing this was the night she and I met. I did not know she felt this way when we met. This was her goal, her intention for the night. Damn, if I wasn’t lucky enough to be the one she chose. I remember that fateful night all too well. I flipped the page, wondering what she wrote about me the next day.
Dear Future Me,
Holy fucking shit! Last night was the best sex of my life. Julius is shit in bed compared to the guy I chose last night. Lucas is his name, and Lord help me, if I didn’t scream it multiple times throughout the night. The man is a fucking sex god. Hot as hell, too. How the hell I managed to pull him off is beyond me.
I am glad New York is so big. The chances of seeing him again are slim, which is great because I could see myself becoming addicted to a guy like him. I already can’t get him out of my head. The way his body moved against mine was like a perfect puzzle piece I didn’t know I was missing. His lips were on fire, his touches only made me hunger for more. His dick is like a gift from the heavens, made especially to please a woman.
The man knows what he’s doing and I feel perhaps he’s ruined me for any other guy. I am not sure if Julius was complete shit in bed or if sex should be the way it was with Lucas. Or maybe sex like that is only particular to Lucas. I know nothing about him, but I know he must have a lot of experience. His moves were swift, intentional, and all around sexy.
Also, a mental note for the future. Don’t stare at your phone in front of a door. My tongue is killing me and I couldn’t even speak my mind to Julius when he came and bothered me. Typing my responses was not nearly as satisfying as yelling them in his face would have been. At least I made a new friend.
I won’t be keeping the phone he gave me for long. I’m still not an iPhone person. There’s no way, but he’s sweet and he’s invited Hailey and I out. She won’t let me say no either, so I guess we’re going this weekend.
A pained and still horny, Past You
I’m not going to lie, reading this entry made me feel extremely arrogant. I had no idea she felt this way about me from our first encounter. She felt so inexperienced compared to me. I wonder if that’s why she was quick to leave me that night. I had never had a girl rush out of my apartment as quickly as she had. It had left me even more intrigued by her.
Dear future me,
New York is not as big as we imagined. Our sex-god showed up, apparently knowing Leo very well. He knew what I liked to drink, and even rescued me from security at the club. I am not sure how, but he managed to make sex even better than the last time. My body is still sore all over from our encounter, but I don’t regret it one bit. The only regret I have is that Leo saw me naked. Why the hell did he come into Lucas’ room without knocking? Do they live together? How’d he get into the apartment?
I need to pretend like none of this ever happened. He’s so out of my league, and I don’t need anything complicating my life right now. Lucas is dangerous for me. I could easily lose myself in him. As much fun as he is, it would be best if I kept my distance. Yet my stupid mouth betrayed me and said yes to going out tonight. Hailey is currently working on my hair as I write. She’s ecstatic for me, but all I am is nervous. Is this a date?
God help me. I don’t know what I’m doing. He’s going to have his way with me tonight and I won’t be able to resist him. I’ll let you know how it goes.
A very stupid and nervous, Past You
I remembered this afternoon all too well. I was surprised she had said yes, but I was so grateful. I had gotten her number on this day and somehow convinced her to go to dinner with me. Having her at Dad’s for dinner made it so much better, even if it ended with me fighting with Dad. This night didn’t end well as a whole. It was the night she pulled away emotionally from me. Fucking Janessa. It still makes me mad thinking about it.
Dear Future Me,
I fucking knew it! Lucas is not the guy for me. I fooled myself into thinking he was by the way he had accepted me after the fight. He was so happy and amazed by me. It made me feel so great. I wanted to allow him in, but when we got to his apartment, a woman was already there waiting for him.
I’m sure she was naked under her trench coat. I’m such an idiot for thinking this could be more. He’s got a lot of options and I’m only one of them. He may have kicked her out, but that could be because he started the evening out with me. At least he doesn’t switch girls through the night. He didn’t chase after me or ask me to stay, so he must not care as much for me as I do him.
Thankfully, I ran into Leo, but he only confused me more. I can’t let myself fall for Lucas, so for now on, Mom will be my priority. Dad called and told me she’s sick. She’s dying, and she’s here in New York. I haven’t seen her for 10 years and now she’s here dying. What the hell am I supposed to do with that news? I have so many questions for her, so much I want to say. She owes me an explanation, so I’m going tomorrow to get her to give me one.
I won’t let Lucas distract me. My focus will be school and seeing mom again. I could use some closure as to why she abandoned me. I hope she’s willing and ready to answer my questions, because otherwise I’ll leave without another word. If she can’t answer me, then I’m not worth her time. She doesn’t get to hear I love you or I forgive you until she explains herself.
What kind of mother leaves her child behind with a man who abused her? Did she not think Dad could have turned his anger to me instead?
I need answers, and I’ll get them tomorrow.
A very confused and anxious, Past You
I had no idea she wanted me to chase after her. I thought she needed space, and I don’t like to push. I respect people’s wishes, more so since the incident with Francesca. If someone says no or to stop, I do, no matter what it pertains to. I continued reading about how things went with her mother. She spoke about Leo and his loss. Apparently, she regretted her decision to tell us her life story, but she was happy to help Leo.
She spoke about our sexcapades and how she was going to keep it strictly sex between us. I realized how stupid I was in not showing her how much I wanted to be serious with her. She wanted me, but she was scared of getting hurt and I could see why. I was reaching the day after her surgery now, after I’d opened up to her about what happened to me. I turned to find a page missing. It had been torn out, leaving behind a small bit of paper, sticking out like a sore thumb. Why’d she tear it out? Was it a mistake entry? I’ll have to ask her about it later. For now, I’ll enjoy all the other entries about me and how much she loves me.
Olive’s P.O.V.
‘You need to sit, Rose. The doctor said to sit and elevate your feet. You’re starting to swell around your ankles again,’ Lucas reminded me as I waddled around the flat, trying to get last-minute things together.
The bassinet was put together and sat beside the bed. The bottles were sanitized and put away already. All the clothes were washed, folded, and organized. My hospital bag was ready to go, along with Abi’s. I packed her the cutest-take home outfit. I love all the frills, laces, and colors on little girl clothes. Of course, I bought a shit ton of bows that are way too large for her head, too. I have those neatly organized as well. I still feel like I’m forgetting or missing something, but I’m unsure what.
Daisy had my baby brother a few months ago, and according to Joe, everything is still going well. It made me wonder if Dad had changed, but then I remembered he’s Dad, and it’s only a matter of time until his ugliness resurfaces. I hope Daisy is smart enough to get away when it does. Joe gave her my number again for me. Maybe this time, she’ll save it and use it.
I felt another cramp coming, causing me to stop and lean against the closest thing around me. I gripped the edge of the table as I let it pass. If these Braxton Hicks contractions were any indication of how painful labor would be, I’ll die. Definitely getting an epidural. I mean, it’s got to be painful if any woman is willing to stick a giant needle in their back to stop feeling labor pains.
‘Are you okay?’ Lucas asked, placing his hands on my sides to steady me. ‘Have you been timing it?’ Lucas has been reading every, and any, labor book he could find. At this point I think he knows more about it than I do. His eyes held mine with both concern and excitement. I know he can’t wait for Abi to be born and we’re only a few days away now.
‘No, I’m sure it’s Braxton Hicks again.’
‘You never know, Rose. You should always time them.’ I think he wanted it to be labor already.
‘Okay, I will.’ I smiled at him, nodding my head, stepping away from the table since the pain had passed.
I let him guide me to the couch and sit me down. He lifted my feet, placing pillows under them to keep them elevated. All throughout this pregnancy, he has been taking great care of me. He’s gone to every doctor’s appointment, reminded me of my prenatal vitamins, bought all the food I crave, no matter how crazy or how late in the night it was. If I craved it, he’d make it appear before me. He refuses to let me squat down or reach for something too high. He’s my perfect man.
As I watched TV, another wave of pain rolled over me, causing me to clutch the edge of the couch cushion. Lucas was by my side in an instant again, taking my hand and eyeing me with worry. Once it passed, I saw him log the time on his phone. Our routine continued until; eventually, I knew it wasn’t Braxton Hicks anymore. The pain was actual labor! Our Abi is coming today! I’ve never felt so nervous and so excited at once. Knowing our Abi would be in our arms in the next 24 hours was unbelievable. We’ll finally see her face, feel her skin, touch her hand. I’m excited to see what her hair will look like, what shade her skin will be, and what I can’t see on an ultrasound.
‘Come on, Rose. It’s time to go to the hospital.’
Lucas helped me up, grabbing everything we needed. He rushed around the room like a maniac. He was excited, but worried for me. He hates to see me in pain, and fuck me are contractions painful. It feels like someone has their hands around my uterus and is squeezing it with all their might. I grunted as I tried not to yell when another stronger contraction hit.
Lucas drove carefully, as always, but he did so quickly. He had a wheelchair brought out to meet us, so I wouldn’t have to walk in. The contractions were only three minutes apart now and felt like they lasted an eternity. I gripped onto the arms of the wheelchair as I bit my tongue, trying not to make a sound.
‘You’re doing so well, Rose. Remember to breathe,’ Lucas encouraged me, making me realize I was actually holding my breath. I closed my eyes and focused on taking deep, clear breaths. It helped a bit, giving me something to focus on aside from the pain. The nurse set an IV drip once we got to a room. She asked if I’d like an epidural and I immediately yelled yes. Lucas tried not to laugh, but he couldn’t help the smirk.
‘I’m so sorry, Rose. I don’t mean to laugh at your pain. You scared the nurse with your tone,’ he chuckled. I knew he wasn’t laughing at me.
He kept me distracted by talking about things that would excite me. We talked about our wedding, our honeymoon, and my job prospects. I’d been offered a job at a few of the places I’d interviewed. My worries about not being hired because I’ll be a mom were unfounded. They didn’t care. They only cared about my work ethic, my ability, and my degree. I checked those boxes for a lot of places.
We were weighing my options when I felt a trickle of water between my legs. It was like a leaky faucet had opened up between my legs. The nurse came in and checked me and I was at six centimeters now. Four more until it’s time to push. My contractions only intensified after my water broke. They’d placed a towel between my legs to keep me from getting too wet as my water continued to leak out of me. It definitely wasn’t like the movies, where it looks like a large water bottle popped. It was slow and constant, and frankly, a bit annoying.
I held onto Lucas’ hand for dear life as I reached eight centimeters. The pressure I felt below was insane. I thought my tailbone would snap from it. I could feel my body wanting to push, but I held back as it wasn’t time yet. The nurse started to wheel things in and I tried to focus on what she was bringing. She brought in a little warmer, which she went ahead and turned on. There was a scale and a rolled-in instrument tray. I tried not to look at those, worried I’d see some sort of scary looking instrument they’d use on me.
The doctor came in next, and before I knew it, it was time to push. I’d never been so grateful. I was ready to release the pressure I was feeling. My legs were placed in the stirrups as my ass almost hung off the bed. My OB was covered in a blue disposable gown, cap, and booties. This was apparently a very messy ordeal.
‘Okay, Olive, it’s time to push. On the next contraction I want you to grab the back of your knees and push until I count to 10 as hard as you can,’ the doctor instructed me. I nodded and did it on the next contraction. Lucas helped by pushing my back up and my legs close, almost like he was folding me in half. It helped more than I thought it would. I felt a strong burning for a second and wondered if I had torn down there.
‘There’s the head, mama. You’re doing great,’ the doctor called out, giving me more motivation to push harder. The shoulders were next, and then she slid out with the next push. I laid back, utterly exhausted, when I heard her beautiful little cry. She was placed on my chest as Lucas cut her umbilical cord. We both cried as we stared down at the life we created. She was so small and absolutely perfect. Lucas kissed my sweaty forehead without a care.
The overwhelming feeling of pure love had me in tears for a while. Abi was everything to me. My number one priority. Lucas and I will give her the childhood neither of us were able to have. She’ll grow up in a home like Ian’s. A warm and loving home, and welcoming to all.
Welcome to the world, my Abi Rose.
‘She’s beautiful, Twinkle Toes,’ Davis cooed as he peered at her in my arms. He refused to hold her, worried he would somehow hurt her. ‘She’s so tiny. I remember when my daughter was this small. Now she’s grown and wants nothing to do with me half the time.’ He shook his head lightly as he spoke.
‘Don’t tell me that,’ I scolded. ‘I don’t want to picture her grown up already. I just had her.’ Davis chuckled his hearty laugh. ‘Sorry, kid. I guess I should stop calling you kid, too. Can’t call you kid when you have a kid.’
‘Mhm,’ I hummed. There was something I have been meaning to ask Davis for months now, but haven’t had the nerve. Even though I am still exhausted, I feel like now is the time, or I’ll never do it. ‘Davis, can I ask you something?’
‘You already did,’ he joked, earning him a shove from me. ‘Alright, what’s up? If it’s about babysitting, the answer is yes, but only on Sundays, Tuesdays and Fridays. Those are my free days.’ He smiled widely, surprising me with the offer.
‘It wasn’t about babysitting, but I’ll definitely keep those days in mind.’ I smirked.
‘Okay, what’s up then?’
‘You know I’m getting married in September,’ I started.
‘Yes, of course. I got the invite, thank you.’ He was all jokes today, letting me know he was in a great mood.
‘Normally, the bride has her father walk her down the aisle.’ Davis stiffened beside me as I continued. ‘Obviously, I’m not having my dad at my wedding. Hell, he doesn’t even know I’m getting married, or that I had Abi, let alone that I was pregnant.’
‘Rightfully so, that asshole,’ Davis interrupted again.
‘Yes, that asshole,’ I agreed, nodding my head. Abi began to fuss in my arms, but Lucas took her so I could focus on my conversation with Davis. Lucas was already so great with Abi, calming her instantly. ‘I was wondering if maybe, I mean, if you’re okay with it. I know you have a daughter of your own but-‘ I started my sentence about three different times but never once got to the point.
‘Spit it out already, twinkle toes. Quit dancing around, this ain’t the ring.’
‘Will you walk me down the aisle?’ I quickly blurted, blushing hard. I’d never seen Davis look at me the way he was now. He was taken aback by the question. His eyes clouded for a moment before he rubbed them. I guess he never realized how close I felt to him before.
‘I’d be honored, kid.’ He smiled, a whole-hearted smile I’d never seen before.
‘Thank you, Davis.’
