“If I’m not going back to CP Manhattan, do I even want to go back to the city?” I asked.
Mom prompted the conversation by asking what I was planning now that I had been let go from my job. It felt like the question had come out of left field. An unexpected topic while I was spreading mayonnaise on slices of bread to make grilled cheese sandwiches for lunch.
“That was very rude the way that John had you fired. If your father was alive,” Mom started. She danced around the kitchen a bit to soothe Amelia. She was fussy with hunger, and I wasn’t cooking fast enough.
“If he was alive, John wouldn’t be in a position to fire me.” I shrugged. There was always the possibility that he could have passed the corporate baton on to John, making him COO. Had my father done that, even then John wouldn’t have been able to fire me. I wouldn’t have been in a situation to have to sneak around behind John’s back to prove myself.
“What’s in the City if you go back?” It was a good question.
Chase was there, I needed to avoid him for my sanity. I didn’t have any friends, other than Bria. All my other friends were scattered across the globe. In a few years, I’d have to find a spot and stay put for Amelia’s schooling. Until then, I needed a good baby doctor otherwise my choices were wide open.
“Do you want to go back to work?” Mom asked. “The toddler years are special. Amelia is growing so fast. Blink and you’ll miss them.” She fastened Amelia into her seat.
I sighed. I was getting my career off the ground. The opportunity at CP Manhattan gave me a strong taste for Social Media Management. I didn’t realize how much I enjoyed that aspect of marketing. But the upcoming months of pregnancy were going to be exhausting. Mom was right, I would miss out on Amelia growing up before my eyes.
I would miss the moments like this where Amelia fought against the restraints that prevented her from falling out of her highchair. I would also miss the moments when she mastered words and smiled. Work meant not being with my child during the good times, and the bad times.
“I don’t know. Part of me wants to stay at home and be the trust fund baby that I am. But it was so satisfying to have people listen to my ideas and to see tangible results from my work. You know?”
Mom chuckled. “You were my tangible result.”
She removed a carton of organic tomato basil soup from the cupboard and pulled a pan down from the rack.
“Did you ever want to do something other than being a nanny?”
“I loved being a nanny. I love babies. I specialized in cases like yours. I typically stayed with my families until the children were four or five, ready for school. Sometimes I stayed less, especially if there was a nanny for the older children. I did not expect to stay and watch you grow into the wonderful woman you are now. But I am so grateful to be able to help you raise Amelia.”
I pulled the first sandwich off the grill and hugged Mom. I knew the story of her and Dad. It was never one of those torrid affairs with the nanny. She always claimed he didn’t even know she had a first name until I was almost three. They didn’t get married until John was in college. That didn’t stop him from being a resentful jerk. Whatever their romance had been like, I was glad to have been raised by a mother, biological or not, who loved me.
I put a second sandwich on the grill and cut the first one up into small squares, better to help it cool faster, and better for small fingers to grab.
“Here this is barely warm,” Mom said as she poured some of the soup into a cup. “I’ll finish the sandwiches, you help Amelia.”
I grabbed one of the soft-edged spoons from the utensil drawer and sat down with my daughter. She couldn’t cram a bite of sandwich into her mouth fast enough. I was glad I cut the pieces up small, I don’t think she paused to chew to the first bite.
“You need to chew, baby,” I said.
I lifted a spoon full of soup to my lips to blow on before presenting the spoon to Amelia. She blew on the soup before opening her mouth wide like a little bird desperate to be fed.
“We could always go back to Europe,” I said.
Mom paused in her cooking and turned to face me. “Please don’t run away again. Those years with you gone were harder than I care to admit. If you want to work, that’s fine. I’m here to help. If not, that’s okay too. Your father made sure you were taken care of.”
I knew money wasn’t the issue. My self-worth was. And I was a jerk for hurting Mom when I stayed away for so long.
“You could come with us,” I said.
“Oh, I don’t know. Vacationing in Europe is one thing. I don’t know what I would do if we moved there. Who would take care of the horses?”
She placed a plate with several sandwiches and two bowls of soup onto the table. She handed me a spoon.
“They have stables in Europe. We could fly the horses over.”
“I couldn’t imagine Best Boy or Haha liking that very much.”
I shrugged. She was right.
“I understand why you want to leave; I really do. Between your young man breaking up with you, and John having you fired, it can’t feel very good to be reminded of all of that. Why don’t we stay here, take a break from the city, for a while before deciding if Europe is the best move?”
I scoffed at ‘young man.’ Chase wasn’t what anyone would consider young. He was a full-fledged adult, in his prime.
“Give yourself some time to get over him. You might find that there are other men out there you like better.”
I nodded. I wanted to tell her there was no one better, there would never be anyone better. I would never get over Chase Campbell, not when I could see him in Amelia, not when I was carrying his second child.
Amelia ground grilled cheese into her face, trying to rub her tired eyes with a handful of sandwiches. She started crying. I didn’t blame her. Today was hard.
I wiped the bits of food from her face and then peeled her little fists open to remove the remaining sandwich pieces before she did that again.
Mom was up with her arms out. “I’ll take her.”
“I’ll clean up,” I said.
“Leave it, it’s not going anywhere. I can practically hear the gears in your brain grinding away at what you’re processing. Why don’t you go for a walk, or take a ride? I’ll be around when you want to talk it out.”
I nodded and kissed Amelia on the cheek, and then kissed Mom on the cheek.
“Thanks, you’re right. I do have so many thoughts just swirling around.”
I found my riding boots where I left them the day before, in the muck room off the kitchen. I pulled my jacket from a hook and headed out to the stable.
Spring was in the air, even though the temperature was still cool. Haha snickered as I led her out of her stall and saddled her up. She was a good-natured mount. Perfect for long leisurely rides. The kind of ride where I could really get some thinking done. We had a trail through the backwoods that Haha would follow automatically. I guided her in the proper direction, and she knew what to do next.
As the horse walked on, I made a list of all the things that were weighing heavy on my mind. The baby was first and foremost. I hid the supplements I started taking from Mom, but she was going to notice my size, as I continued to grow. I needed a baby doctor. But before I could settle on a doctor I needed to know where I was going to be living. I set aside the list labeled ‘Baby,’ and started on the mental gymnastics for the next list.
This one was harder. This one was Chase. How was I supposed to get over someone I’d been in love with since I could remember?
I was angry that John had figured out Amelia was Chase’s before I had gotten the nerves to tell him about her. I rested my hand on my belly. I couldn’t really tell I was pregnant other than the occasional morning sickness. I had no flutters of movement yet; the baby was too small for that.
“Do I tell your daddy or not? He already knows about your sister.”
I didn’t want him to take Amelia from me, but custody was a very real issue now that he knew about her. I figured as soon as his lawyers tracked me down, that a DNA test would be requested to prove paternity.
I wiped at the tears that blurred my vision. “Good girl, Haha,” I said, leaning forward to stroke her neck. I couldn’t see, yet she kept following the trail.
Would Chase listen if I told him I would never sue him for child support? Would he care? If he sued for visitation, he would eventually see me pregnant, and then with another baby. Would he sue me over the one in my belly now?
Maybe Europe was the solution. He would never need to know I was pregnant. I didn’t know and answers were not readily coming to me. I wouldn’t fight him over visitation rights or financial support. The only thing I ever wanted from him was his love.
The trees cleared and Haha started crossing the backfield toward the stables. I must have been stuck on my thoughts of Chase for a lot longer than I realized.
“Okay, we can go home now,” I said. I kicked Haha into a canter, giving her a chance to stretch her legs a little. She whinnied and shied as the thud-thud-thud of a helicopter grew louder. She twisted and her eyes went wide.
“It’s okay, girl,” I talked to her in hushed tones, attempting to reign her in.
The helicopter sound grew louder. Haha fought me. She threw her neck around. I was prepared for her to spook and run, but she balked. Suddenly from over the trees, swooping over us, a white helicopter appeared. I lost control as she reared up. I scrambled, trying to reach for her neck.
I felt myself slip.
