Paul was everything to me. The only man in my life I could ever depend on. He helped take care of my mother and myself. He helped me get through so much drama in high school and my early years of college. He protected me from Shane when I didn’t have the strength to walk away. My brother was my best friend. He was a part of me and ever since he died, a part of me died.
I’ve questioned God over and over again. Why Paul? Why my big brother? And He has yet to deliver an answer to me. All my life I’ve been living by His commandments but lately, I’ve only been returned with bad luck. I was trembling with anger and confusion as I ran up the stairs to get to my room. I decided to use the stairs and avoid the elevator, which was jam-packed with soldiers trying to make it on time to PT. They usually do some form of physical training before having to go to work.
What did Kane mean by Paul’s death was Danny’s fault?
I deserve to know. What were they talking about? My brother died while he was on a mission. He was shot multiple times and died before they could get him to the hospital. Those were all the details that were expressed to my mother and I.
My mind travels back to that day when we found out about my brother’s passing.
Two uniformed men knocked on our door. My mother opened the door so routinely as she always does. She was expecting our neighbor to come over that day. They wanted to borrow some of her gardening tools so she didn’t think twice about it.
When she saw the men, their eyes full of sorrow, she knew. She knew why they were there and she screamed before they even said a word. My heart dropped and I rushed from my bedroom in the middle of studying, dropping my pencil, thinking she had hurt herself. My heart dropped, my heart already broken and scared just hearing those sounds come from my mother’s mouth.
Then I saw my mother crying on the floor clutching her chest. She kept repeating,
‘Not my Paul. Not my baby.’ Over and over again. I stood there at the door, breaking in a million pieces watching the uniformed men try and console my mother on the floor of our entryway.
“You have the wrong house, please leave! Salte! Por favor salte de mi casa! Mi hijo, donde esta mi hijo?” She screamed at them with uncontrollable sobs.
Leave! Please leave my house! My son, where’s my son?
And I knew what just happened. My best friend had died.
‘For having little legs you sure do walk fast.’ Danny’s deep voice interrupts my horrid memory, suppressing the lump in my throat. I jump not expecting to hear him so close to me. I was a few doors down from my room and we were both standing in the hallway. I turn around to face him. I’m met with a smirk and his blue eyes looking down at me.
‘What? How’d you kn—?’
‘Lori told me where you live.’
Dammit, Lori.
My eyes narrow at him. I deserve an explanation and he better be ready to tell it. My heart thumps out of my chest. Heat rushes to my core. I hate that every time I look at him I think about his rough textured hands on my body caressing my breasts. He’s stunning as hell.
God definitely took his time making him. But the more I get to know him, he isn’t a man of God. Scratch that, the devil took his time creating this sinfully handsome man. His black shirt wraps around his muscles, hugging them so well. I feel so tiny around a six-foot-six muscular monster towering over me. Maybe it’s a good thing our encounter in the hospital room didn’t go any further, this man could destroy me with just his hands.
‘Ari.’ Danny begins but I stop him before he can go on further, my blood boiling.
‘We can talk in my room.’ I snap before turning around, getting closer to my door knob. There are soldiers all around us, rushing to work. I feel Danny’s eyes behind me, hearing his footsteps follow me and I swallow, nervously. I hate being around him so close, my head grows fuzzy and I can’t think straight.
‘Look Ari, this isn’t something I want to revisit. It’s hard for me because I’m not allowed to say anything.” He did not just imply that this is hard for him. I feel like time stops. The old me would have bitten her tongue. And not say what I was truly thinking. I would be too occupied and concerned with how he’s going to feel once I open my mouth. This time I didn’t care. He’s going to hear me.
‘It’s hard for you?‘ I hiss. My eyebrows furrowed and I’m on my tiptoes making damn sure he can hear me clearly up there, in the clouds. He’s a mountain and I’m a small hill.
He stares at me hard and emotionless. His blue eyes stare straight into my soul and I can see that he’s in pain. His stare intimidates me so much I feel like I’m going to break in half so… I look away at my feet.
Staring at my shoes, I let out a deep breath, trying to calm down. He infuriates me so much. We stand there in silence, without meeting each other’s gaze again.
‘Ari.’
‘What?’ I snap.
‘Did you lock your door when you left because it’s open?’
‘What are you talking about?’ I look at my door and it’s cracked open. I stare at it confused.
Why can’t I just sleep? Why does tonight have to be one of the most eventful nights of my life? I’ve worked twelve hours and all I want to do is strip into my pajamas, go underneath my covers, and drift into a deep sleep… with Danny’s arms as my pillow.
‘I always lock my door before I go anywhere,’ I mutter softly.
Was someone in my room?
I walk in pushing the door open and I gasp, stopping in my tracks. The lights are on and my room is a wreck. My bed was unmade, clothes everywhere on the floor, and my pillow ripped to shreds causing the feathers to be everywhere. I look to my left to the small kitchen area which was also destroyed. The refrigerator opened and the little bit of food I had in there, spilled on the ground.
‘What the hell?’
Terror fills my body, and I begin to shake. I grip my backpack straps tight.
Who would do such a thing?
I head straight into my room, taking it all in. It looks like someone was trying to find something or someone. And the other half of the room looks like they just destroyed my stuff for their enjoyment.
‘I’m assuming your room wasn’t like this before you left. What the hell happened here?’ Danny asks, welcoming himself into my bedroom, behind me. Danny’s body grows tense and I ignore his question, heading towards my bed, looking for my journal. I don’t know why but something inside of me tells me to search for it. I had this journal for the past five years. I’ve written down very personal thoughts and I can’t fathom someone having it. Someone reading my darkest, my highest, my desires, my most memorable moments, in their hands.
I look inside my nightstand, pulling the drawer open, and to my dismay, it’s gone. My heart drops and I bite my lip, and my fists clench. High pressure threatening to spill over inside of me and I’m angry. Maybe it’s just lost in the chaos of the room. I give myself a pinch of hope but doubt creeps in with each attempt of my search.
I try putting everything back together in its place with Danny silently, helping me. I’m hoping with each object back in its place it will show up, but so far nothing.
‘Who would do this?’ Danny asks while grabbing his phone. His eyes are searching mine but I’m too lost in my thoughts to meet his.
‘I have no idea.’
I go to the restroom, still in my scrubs, checking if they went through my restroom too. Sure enough, I’m right. Everything I had on my shelves was now on the floor. My little artificial succulent plants were on the floor, books, and makeup palettes. I shudder when I see the picture of Paul and I ripped apart. The frame is shattered, leaving little pieces of glass everywhere. Seeing my favorite photo of Paul and me as kids shredded to pieces breaks me.
A horrible sting pierces through my heart. My eyes begin to water. The pain is too much. Behind the photograph, is a handwritten message from Paul and now it’s gone, torn to shreds. He always gave me one photograph before he would deploy with a message on the back. This was the last one he gave me.
Take care of Ma when I’m away and no, you cannot use my PC to play. Love you, baby sis. I’ll see you soon. -Paul
I tried to stay strong these past few months and it all comes crashing down, in this moment. I was like a volcano just waiting to erupt. As each month passed, the more I filled with sorrow and finally, this pushed me over the edge.
I fall to my knees holding a few pieces of the picture in my hands, squeezing them tight, and sob uncontrollably.
“How could someone do this?” I sob.
My tears flow down the sides of my cheek fast, my eyes stinging and glossy. My cheeks are red with pain and I close my eyes tightly shut, hoping this is just another horrible nightmare. The ache in my chest feels like I’m just going to die. Heartache. This has to be the shittiest year of my life.
My body makes horrible sobbing noises. I’m breathing heavily as I let my sadness spill over in front of Danny, and I don’t care. I’m having an anxiety attack and I can’t stop it.
My head sinks down looking at my hands in my lap, still on my knees. I just couldn’t stay strong anymore. I’ve been pretending to be this strong girl for the past few months since my brother died. Since my mother’s world was turned upside down and when I met Danny. I just couldn’t hold onto this fake person anymore that pretended couldn’t hurt. But I’m human.
I feel strong hands grip my shoulders, and I flinch with Danny’s touch. Wanting so badly to swat them away but at the same time, I want him to hold me tighter and never let me go.
‘Ari… come here.’ Danny’s voice is hard but low in my ear. He holds onto my biceps, bringing me closer to his body, embracing me. I turn around to face him, sobbing into his upper abdomen area.
‘I’m calling the military police. You have to file a police report.’
I nod against his body, in his arms, trying to control my breathing. I can feel more relief as the seconds go by, my body pressed up against his. His hands are now tangled up in my hair holding me in place.
‘Then you’re coming to my room. I’ll have the lower enlisted clean this up for you.”
Confusion sets in. And my deepest desires are running rampant. I shake my head.
‘No it’s okay I’ll be f—’
Danny cuts me off, grabbing my chin, and tilting me upwards to face him with his fingers, rapidly.
‘I’m not asking. I’m telling you.’ His blue eyes are so intoxicating and I feel like I’m in a trance. I don’t want to argue. Plus… I think I feel safer in his arms than in my bedroom.
Being in his arms is safer than being alone in my bedroom… right?
