It’s early morning, just shy of six a.m. I stare at my reflection in the mirror while I adjust my pink cross necklace across my neck just below my collarbones, making sure it’s not backward. Showered, hair straightened, and natural makeup applied, I was ready for church. Ever since my brother passed away, I made sure to accompany my mother every Sunday at her request. I dreaded every morning I had to join her with my damaged faith hovering over my mind.
I was lying to her when I said my faith hadn’t been altered. It had faded after the death of my brother. I was angry and questioning my entire life, because… why would God take away a soul like my brothers? In such a horrific and unexpected way to top it off. I feel like I’m playing pretend with myself every day now. I was pretending to still be the, everything happens for a reason, optimistic, and unbroken woman I was raised to be.
Truth is, I was struggling every single day to live a life where my brother no longer existed in it. I was no longer that girl, but I was going to try like hell to be.
If that’s what it takes to make my mother feel like she hasn’t lost us both… then I’d keep pretending.
I walk over to my box full of printed Polaroid photos from my brother. It was placed safely, on one of the top bookshelves in the corner of my room. Paul would print one photo of us, each time he had to leave for anything pertaining to the military. It started the day before he shipped off to Boot Camp and ended on his last deployment. I always had at least one photograph on hand, keeping it close because it made me feel safe.
The only man in the house was gone.
My father abandoned our family when I was a child. I can barely remember what he looks like. The memories were fuzzy and faded. His face was a shadow every time I tried to picture him in my head. My mother kept photos of my father and us as children together. She offered many times if I wanted to look at them and know the person who helped give us life… but I refused to be reminded of what he looked like. I’d prefer he stayed a shadow implanted in my brain.
If he could abandon my mom to start a new life without us, he wasn’t worth remembering or stressing over. However, my mom is stuck in her ways and religion. She never moved on from her ex-husband because she thought it was a sin. Paul always took on the role of the man of the family.
The protector. The responsible one. Always the one in charge. While I took on the role of the little sister that persistently tested his patience.
I was having one of the bad moments where I replayed every single conversation we had together. From the bad ones that originated from fighting to the good ones that were rooted in sibling banter. Second-guessing every single choice of words we exchanged. Regretting words, I had said and things I hadn’t said. Regretting every action that affected him in a bad way.
I’m staring at my little wooden box that contains all of the photos he’s given me. There were about ten inside. I tip-toe and reach for it. Finally, after struggling to hook it with one of my fingernails, I succeeded. Letting out a breath I was holding, I open it. Scanning for my favorite picture and I stop when I see it. All the photos on it have a funny message or something simple. I took the one I favored and put it in my purse. I would be taking this to Iraq as a symbol of Paul’s protection and love.
I’m scrolling through my phone when I get an email alert that grabs my attention. I scramble to open it when I see it’s from a Book Event that all of my favorite authors were attending. It was a massive, extraordinary event where popular authors would meet all of their readers and the book community they had built. My heart sank when my eyes scrolled over the information. It was only an update, and we were still on the waitlist to receive tickets.
I was still on the waitlist. Paul had attempted to get us both tickets to go to the event that was to be held a year from now. He was confident we wouldn’t be on the waitlist long and that we were going to attend. It was perfect timing since I would already be back from my first rotation as a nurse. It was to be held in North Carolina and it was so close to where I lived, just a few hours away.
Paul had already pre-paid them, sending the money to my account. It was placed into my savings account collecting dust with false hope. I throw my phone on the floor with such force, I thought I had broken it but the carpet flooring softens the blow. Anger and grief burned into my eyes, tears threatening to make their way out. I turn around and bury my face into my pillow, sobbing because the reality that one of my brothers’ last hopeful thoughts, wouldn’t come true.
“Don’t worry baby sis, you think so negatively. You’ll get those books signed by your favorite author while I watch. You’re going to be ugly crying and I’ll make sure to take videos and never let you forget it.”
Paul’s voice is in my head as I remember the conversation we had when we found out the Book Event was sold out.
Just another reminder that kills me softly.
I sip my iced coffee and it feels cool on my tongue. Wiping the cold foam off my lips, I take a deep breath in. My mom and I were at our local coffee shop. I thought the caffeine would help me find the courage to tell my mother what I signed up for. My nude-colored painted nails, tapping the table. I look up at my mother, my eyes stick on the bags under her eyes. She works part-time but the hours were draining on her body. She was a care-taker for a wealthy doctor’s mother.
‘Ma… how are you feeling… right now, at this moment?’ I try to half-smile through my anxiety, biting my lip. I wanted to get an idea of what mood she was in.
‘I’m okay, tired but I’m okay. Proud of your recent accomplishments mija.’ She places her hand on mine, giving me a small squeeze. She was referring to my new title as an official nurse.
‘Ok good, because I’m about to tell you something and I don’t know how you’re going to take it.’
She widens her eyes with fear beaming at me.
‘You’re pregnant.’ Her veiny hands cover her mouth.
‘Ma! No! God!’ I say, yelling in whispers, looking around to see if anyone heard her accusation.
‘You’re still a virgin, right?’
‘Mom, that’s not important,’ I whisper embarrassed.
‘Mija… look, your first time shouldn’t be with just any guy, it should be with someone you mar—’
‘Mom, I’m going to Iraq as a trauma nurse for the Army and I’ll be there for six months.’ I blurt it out, watching my mom closely. Praying she wouldn’t start to yell at me in the midst of a busy coffee shop.
She doesn’t move. I can tell her body is tense. She was digesting the news. Her eyes hadn’t moved from mine, and it felt like an eternity of silence from her. She hugs her gray-blue knit sweater tighter around her, crossing her arms.
Then she starts crying, silently sobbing.
Oh my gosh. What have I done?
‘Mom, I’m sorry I… just think this is something I have to do.’ Holding her hand across the table, comforting her.
‘Mija… these are tears of joy. Paul would be so proud. Your brother was my world. Don’t get me wrong you are too, you guys are both my world. And he would be so proud of his baby sister, following in his footsteps in helping our country, like this.”
Well, I wasn’t expecting that.
The rain starts to pour down hard outside, and I can see the lightning in the sky through the windows of the coffee shop. It was already seven at night, the sky was overshadowed with dark clouds everywhere. I shudder as the loud thunder causes vibrations through the walls.
I smile back at my mom. I’m speechless. My emotions take over and I start to tear up. I couldn’t imagine how my mother was feeling having lost a child and now she was losing me, but not in the same way.
‘I’m happy you understand my decision, Mom. I just feel like I can help people like Paul. Help sailors or even soldiers who are injured and hopefully save their lives.’ I choke up while I grab my coffee. I take another gulp, hoping it stops me from crying more.
‘I understand mija. Go do what you have to do, I’m proud of you and I’m always here for you. Just… promise to call me every day.’ My mom smiles.
My mom and I started to gather our things. She grabs the umbrella she carried with her to prepare for the rain. A category 2 hurricane is headed straight towards the Carolinas, and we decided to stock up on groceries and grab a coffee on the way home.
We walk towards the exit, and we stop right in front of the doors so my mom can open her umbrella to prepare for the rain.
Suddenly, the door opens, and my heart skips a beat. I’m feeling nervous and my stomach is filled with butterflies. I feel as though I’m frozen in time.
Danny.
‘Ari.’ Danny greets me just as surprised as I am. He’s easily the most beautiful man in this world.
I fall apart at the way he says my name.
Danny and I both stand there, not moving, locking eyes. I had ghosted Danny. I was never good at texting even more so with a stranger. I felt like I was in an embarrassing dream where you’re caught with your butt crack showing. My mom notices the awkward engagement and makes an obvious, cliche clearing her throat noise.
‘Umm, sorry Mom. This is Danny. Danny, this is my mom.’
Gesturing towards Danny, he looks towards my mom, giving her a warm smile. He reaches out to her, shaking her hand. I can tell my mom is taken aback by Danny and his presence. She looks starstruck as if she’s meeting her celebrity crush in person, blushing at Danny as he shakes her hand. I’m laughing hard internally at my mom’s interaction.
‘Danny is?’ My mom is smiling at me, lifting one eyebrow at me.
‘Umm…’ I start not knowing how to finish my sentence. I don’t know what to say. I had just met the man.
‘We’re friends.’ Danny chimes in for me.
Oh?
‘Oh my gosh, really? Your friends with Ari?’ My mom gushes, excited. I roll my eyes with a small smile.
Yes, Mom, I have friends, it’s not that hard to believe.
My mom still lives in a harsh mentality that I can’t be friends with the opposite sex without it being more than that.
‘Well, ma’am we just met,’ Danny answers. That same deep voice makes my cheeks burn. I’m so attracted to his voice, it’s so captivating.
‘Oh really, where?’ My mom asks, looking at me suspiciously. I panic. I don’t want her to know the details of how we met. My mom’s very strict and conservative. She’s against drinking alcohol, smoking cigarettes, parties, tattoos, etc. All my life, she’s tried to the best of her abilities to inflict those views onto me.
‘Alright Mom, I think it’s time for us to go. The groceries are in the car and the storm is about to roll in, we need to prepare for the hurricane.’ I begin to usher my mom out of the coffee shop, walking past Danny. My mom makes it out through the doors first but my hand is on the doorknob, about to close it. The sound of rain is instantly louder as I walk outside.
‘Ari.’
I turn my head back to Danny. I never texted him back after our short exchange of text messages. I didn’t want this to go anywhere if it was.
‘Yes?’
‘I’m leaving on deployment soon. I was supposed to leave today but the hurricane delayed our departure so I’m leaving right after the weather is right again. I want to take you on a date. And since you’re not answering any of my texts, I guess I’ll just have to corner you until I get the answer I want.’ He smirks.
I hesitate to answer.
Lord, how badly I just want to scream yes at him.
But I was damaged. Damaged by my ex-boyfriend and the recent grief that drowns me every day. I didn’t know if starting a possible relationship or even a friendship, was the right move for me.
‘I—’
‘Of course, she can go on that date. She’s free! Mija, I can drive myself home, you go with him. Okay?’ My mother quickly cuts in and I’m in shock at her persistence.
A minute ago, she was questioning my virtue and now she’s pushing me to go with a man she doesn’t know very well.
‘Mom, but—’
‘Okay see you later, love you mija.’ She quickly turns around and leaves, forcing me to stay with Danny. I’m glaring at my mom’s back as I watch her retreat to her car.
She betrayed me.
She jogs away holding the umbrella over her head.
I guess I could run after her but I can’t deny wanting to get to know Danny more. I can’t deny the attraction I feel towards him. I bite my lip, turning around to him, forcing a smile.
‘So… you go to Chrome Beans?’ I ask, referring to the coffee shop we’re standing in front of. I’ve been going to Chrome Beans since I was a high school student. This is a place for me to escape sometimes. Coffee and a good book always seemed like a vacation from reality. My friends and I shared a lot of memories here. We would meet here and have study dates for big exams.
‘Yeah, I’m glad I decided to get some coffee.’
I blush. We’re still standing in front of the coffee shop’s doors, underneath a roof that’s blocking the rain. My heart’s pounding, incredulously.
How did this guy I just met make me feel this way?
Danny’s all-black hoodie hugs his figure so well. He makes black my new favorite color.
‘Are we having a coffee date, or would you like to eat something?’ He flirts. He arches a brow, waiting for my response. He’s confident. I don’t know how but just the way he moves; it does something to me.
I smile at him, thinking about his question. The same thrill of feeling alive returns when he says the word, date. His blue eyes are full of anticipation as he awaits my response. Thunder again hits the area making me jump up, stunned by its volume. The wind starts to pick up, growing stronger as it blows by us, causing my long hair to fly everywhere.
Danny sees me shutter and puts his arm over my shoulder and pulls me closer to him, protecting me from the harsh wind. His touch feels electric.
‘I think I would like to eat,’ I respond to him after clearing my throat. I look up at him and I regret it because it sends a sensation in between my legs I hadn’t felt in a long time. He nods.
At this moment, I feel like we’re in our own little world. A sweet world, full of tension between us. It was a really nice, short-lived moment.
‘Ari-cakes?’
A familiar voice asks behind us, ruining the bubble we’re in. A voice I was afraid of. A voice that had broken my heart completely not too long ago. A voice that belongs to the person that made me swear off military men.
Shane.
