I walk into the doctor’s office, numb. Photos of pregnant women and newborn babies hang on the neutral-colored, yellow walls. A mother of three who looks well into her third trimester sits, flipping through a magazine. I check in with the receptionist which led to new patient paperwork.
After filling out a mountain of papers, it wasn’t long before I was called in by a medical assistant.
After finding out I was pregnant, I shut everyone out of my life. My friends and my mother. This was such a big moment and I wanted to digest it on my own. My life had been changed forever in such a short amount of time and I was doing my best to stay the ‘positive, sweet Ari’ I’ve always been.
There was still no word from Danny. I didn’t know anything. I didn’t know how he was doing, when he was coming back, or if his team had saved Damon. It was driving me crazy. Now that I know I’m having his baby, I worry even more than before. I want him to be okay. I need him to be okay. I don’t want uniformed men to show up at my door, ever again. I’m pregnant and I couldn’t even tell the father. This military world was frustrating. I couldn’t call him and he couldn’t call me. I didn’t want to tell Danny over a text or phone call either way. I’m going to wait until he returns. Depending on the length of his deployment.
I had a good idea of how far along I was. I was just about to turn four months pregnant. I still couldn’t believe it had been four months since I first had sex with Danny.
Emilia’s wedding is just a few days away and I’ve been pushing them all away. I took care of the bridesmaid dress fitting before I completely ghosted everyone. I promised her I would show up for her wedding.
I was still hiding the pregnancy from my mother. I didn’t want to face her with this. The less stress I put on my body, the better. Stress affects the baby. Anything I feel, the baby feels. I don’t think a screaming match with my mother would do any good to anybody.
I wasn’t showing. If anything, after I ate was when I showed the most. Everything was moving so fast. I had no idea where my life was going but I knew I had to focus on this pregnancy and my transition to motherhood.
Situations like this happen all the time. One-night stands turning into pregnancies but Danny wasn’t a one-night stand. We’re together but I can only imagine that this isn’t what he had planned. It definitely wasn’t what I planned.
My sickness had died down quite a bit as the days go by. My nausea has gotten better and the vomiting has stopped. This was my first doctor’s appointment and it was already going unlike I had imagined. I was alone and scared. The father has no clue and neither does my mother.
I can’t believe this entire time I didn’t know I was pregnant. I had no symptoms besides the nausea. My periods were always irregular. My app completely failed to track my fertile windows.
My doctor goes over paperwork with me before she conducts the ultrasound. I’m nervous, biting my lip, and sweating. The cold jelly around my naked stomach makes me flinch at first and my eyes are glued onto the monitor.
‘Would you look at that? The little one looks healthy.’ Doctor Moore cheerfully says.
I’m looking at the monitor and I see a fully formed fetus with a strong heartbeat. My heart grows warm, my worries go away and I’m mesmerized by this little blip on the screen moving around.
‘It looks like it’s dancing in there.’ I laugh, breathing hard, trying to hold back the storm of tears that threatens my throat. My eyes narrow, fully encapsulated, and my smile grows stronger. My life was about to change and it was because of a little baby dancing inside of me.
‘Yes, baby looks healthy and happy. Is your husband wanting a boy or girl?’ Doctor says pulling away from and turning off the ultrasound machine. I grimace at her words and she quickly catches on.
‘Sorry, we don’t have to talk about that.’ She clears her throat, standing. I clean off the jelly that’s left over on my stomach with napkins and my small window of happiness disappears at the mention of the father. I pull down my shirt and sit up on the table.
I had never felt so happy like that before. It was a different kind of experience seeing your baby for the first time on a monitor. This baby was my number one priority and I wouldn’t let anyone take the joy out of it with their opinions. Things don’t always go as planned but I was going to roll with it.
‘You’re far along enough to do the genetic testing. It checks for abnormalities the baby could have or does not have. Are you interested in the test? Your insurance covers it.’ Doctor Moore says taking off her gloves.
‘Of course,’ I say standing up, gathering my things.
‘And it checks for the gender. Would you like for us to check that?’ She asks, raising a brow.
I hadn’t given much thought to finding out the baby’s gender. I wanted to wait for Danny. I’m just assuming he would want to be here for that.
‘Umm, no. I can wait until the anatomy scan to find out if that’s alright?’
‘Of course it is. Some mamas don’t want to find out until the baby is born. Everyone is different.’
Doctor Moore hands me black and white pictures of the baby’s ultrasound. I slowly take them into my hands, trailing fingers on my baby’s face, picturing the baby in my hands when he or she is born. My mind travels to the future and I can’t help my hormones. Daydreaming about what my future days would look like as a working mother. I couldn’t help but get excited even though there was a lot of uncertainty. Still, the disappointment in myself lingers. I don’t know who I am anymore.
Right after my appointment, I went to work. I continued working as a trauma nurse at the military hospital on post. Keeping the pregnancy under wraps was getting harder. I’ve managed to avoid anything dealing with radiology to maintain a healthy pregnancy. I didn’t tell anyone at work just yet until I tell Danny. Then, I can celebrate freely without this secret weighing me down. I was afraid someone would get a hold of him and ruin the announcement for me. Just about everyone I worked with knew Danny Rider.
Operator, Grim Reaper.
A lot of my coworkers were active-duty military members and I couldn’t risk it getting back to him. I hadn’t realized how big of an impact he had on the military community until I started working.
Everyone around work also knew Paul. I was known as Paul’s little sister and everyone welcomed me into the work environment with open arms.
I’ve been communicating with Violet over text messages and phone calls. I’ve stayed in touch with her to keep up with her new life at home and if she’s heard any updates on Damon. She’s been going to therapy and has recovered pretty well from her injuries. Still, there’s no Damon updates.
My shift ended around seven at night and I went straight home, completely exhausted. Lately, all I want to do is sleep.
I arrive at my house and I find my mother watching her routine novellas in the living room. She left a dinner plate for me in the microwave.
‘How was work mija?’ She yawns and repositions herself on the couch.
I stop walking and sigh.
‘It was fine, I’m just tired. I’m going to eat in my room.’ I shrug.
‘Okay. Oh, Emilia is in your room. I told her you were still at work but she said she would wait for you.’ She says, her eyes never leaving the television.
‘Great,’ I mutter. It’s not that I wasn’t happy to hear that she was in my room I just didn’t have the energy to socialize. I’ve been on my feet constantly for hours and I just wanted to eat and sleep.
I drag my feet to my bedroom. Wondering why Emilia couldn’t have texted me to give me a heads-up. I open the door to my bedroom finding Emilia scrolling through Netflix, in her pajamas.
‘Ari! Before you try and kick me out, don’t bother. I’m not going anywhere.’ Emilia rushes out. She crosses her legs and pats down my bed next to her. Her large engagement ring glimmers with her swift movements.
I give her a small tired smile.
‘I’m not going to kick you out silly.’ I throw off my shoes and sit down at my desk in the corner of my room.
‘Good.’
‘You didn’t say anything to my mother about the pregnancy, right?’
‘Of course not. You still haven’t told her? Ari, what is wrong with you?’ Her tone was baffled.
Her questions sting and I feel like I’m about to explode. I needed time to process the unexpected pregnancy without my friends or my family’s input. I sit down, setting the plate of chicken down.
‘Nothing is wrong with me. I’m just going through a phase. Pregnant by my dead brother’s, best friend. A Navy SEAL who I just met this year. Yup, just one of those phases. I’m four months pregnant and the father doesn’t even know.’ I shrug, sarcastically.
‘I’m sorry Ari. I need to choose my words better. I’m just concerned for you. You’re my best friend and I want to help. Will you let me help?’
‘How? How are you supposed to help? I’m a fucking mess! How could I be so irresponsible with my body? I had a plan, Emilia. I wanted a husband and career first. Now look at me. I had a plan.’ My eyes are watering, breathing heavily, and watching Emilia.
‘Ari! Stop it! Stop being so fucking negative. This baby is a blessing. Who the hell cares if you didn’t do it the way you had planned? Nothing ever goes as planned.’ Emilia stands up, walking towards me. She’s rubbing my shoulder, soothingly.
‘That’s easy for you to say. Mrs. Harry Santos.’ I scoff.
‘I know you think I don’t understand… and I can’t imagine what you’re going through.’ Emilia pauses and sits down at the edge of my bed.
‘My mom had me when she was a teenager. Now look at her. I know you’re not in your teens but still. She’s still with my dad and they both have a successful marriage and careers. Shit like this happens and it’s not the end of the world. You’re a boss ass, hot, nurse with cheekbones and long black hair to kill for. You’re going to be one hot young mom. You have your career set in stone. And I’m sure Danny will be right by your side through it all.’
My frown turns into a smile. Emilia was always the friend that comforted me in dark situations. Meredith was the one friend that threw you in the fire and laughed. Then get an extinguisher.
‘Would you like to see the ultrasound picture I got today? My baby already has all their fingers and toes, it’s insane.’ I pull out the pictures from my pocket.
‘Oh my gosh, that’s crazy.’ Emilia yanks the pictures out of my hands and I watch as a smile pulls at her lips and her eyes light up with happiness.
I’m finally starting to enjoy my pregnancy journey. It feels good to share this experience with somebody.
Emilia and I could talk about everything and anything. She was ranting about the stress of her wedding yet she was excited about the date getting closer so she could enjoy her honeymoon afterward, with Harry. It was in a couple of days, just around the corner and I was so happy for her.
I vented to her about my pregnancy app and my current symptoms. Telling her all the names I’ve picked out for a boy and a girl. The baby was due sometime in the spring of next year.
Rain starts to pour down outside and I’m getting more and more sleepy as the night goes on. I encourage Emilia to go home. I reassured her that I would be fine and she could leave. I truly appreciated how much effort she puts into our friendship.
She leaves and I wave at her through my window. The rain starts pouring down harder and thunder erupts, making me flinch. The trees outside are swaying back and forth with lots of force from the winds. My window starts to scream like a ghost weeping. I’m startled by the sound of the wind trying to force my window open.
I decided to check on my mother before I fall asleep. I changed into my pajamas beforehand. I slip on a silky pajama set. It’s a leopard pink pattern with shorts and a long sleeve.
My mother and I have started to keep the house cold even more now that I was pregnant. I was always hot.
I walk into the hallway barefoot, my bones cracking as I walk. Her bedroom isn’t too far from mine and I slowly open it. She’s sprawled out on her bed with her bible in her hands and rosary in the other, asleep.
I’m not surprised to find her with her bible and a picture of Paul in his uniform on her nightstand with the lamp on. I couldn’t fathom the pain of a parent losing their child. I think I would die. Paul’s death was getting closer to hitting one year.
I shut off her lamp and took her belongings from her hand. I exit her bedroom door after covering her lower half in blankets.
I do my nightly routine as usual. I make sure the doors are locked and all the lights are off. As I’m darkening the house, thunder strikes hard and I swear I can hear footsteps down the hallway. I stop in my tracks as soon as I hear the eerie noise. Shane? Shit.
I walk slowly toward the hallway, grabbing my brother’s baseball bat that had been put away in a storage closet. The wooden floors creak as I walk closer to the hallway. I switch the light back on quickly, bracing the baseball bat, ready to strike.
The light reveals an empty hallway.
I really am going crazy.
I take in a deep breath, releasing the built-up tension that took over me. I put the baseball bat back into the closet and rush into my bedroom down the hall.
I climb into my bed and I tuck myself under the blankets. I toss and turn until I find a comfortable spot, listening to the rain and wind hit my window.
The weather outside brings back memories of Danny and me at his home during the hurricane. My heart warms at the thought of him and I’m tempted to start touching the fire crackling in between my thighs.
I touch my lower stomach and brushed my fingers slowly across my skin, wishing they were Danny’s instead. My belly was not yet showing but I was carrying his child and it burned.
It burned knowing I couldn’t tell him and the constant worrying about his safety. Violet’s story gave me an insight into what kind of danger they put themselves in and I start to tear up.
It doesn’t take long to lose myself in my thoughts and I’m drifting into a heavy slumber.
