Before I left Iraq, my application got approved to work in a military hospital at the same post, Danny is stationed on. I started in a week and I was so excited. I feel more confident than when I first started. I wanted to keep working and keep my mind busy.
Meredith and Emilia left early in the morning but they were meeting me at Target later today, I needed to buy clothes and new hygiene products for myself now that I was back home. It still feels so unnatural to be back. And of course, my homecoming had to involve police showing up at my house.
This morning I woke up and had breakfast with my mother. I managed to keep the details of the note away from her. I brought up the idea of getting an apartment on my own now that I was making enough money to support myself. She was of course against it. She didn’t want to be alone in the house. Paul never moved out of the house since he was always gone. So instead he saved money by staying home. I felt bad leaving her alone in the house but I also wanted my independence.
I spent most of the day in bed nauseous, constantly snacking, and watching comedy shows. This nausea is coming out of nowhere and I’m starting to think I’ve picked up a stomach virus from the airplane.
I kept looking at my phone hoping Danny would send me a text, telling me he was back. Every time my phone lit up I rushed for it but only to be disappointed. My sex injuries were long gone by now and I was craving Danny’s touch every single day and night. I’ve fallen so hard for this man. He intimidates me in a way that keeps me hungry for more. He has tested every single boundary and moral of mine with no remorse and I don’t hate him for it.
Sitting in my room alone, I want to binge watch horror movies all day but now I feel like my real life was turning into one because of Shane.
The thought of being alone in the house was unsettling. I’m laying down in my bed, under the covers and I keep looking out my window to see if he’s watching me. But, nothing. The thoughts were running rampant. Shane’s threatening note had me scared in my own home. I kept looking over my shoulder, jumping at any little sound my mom or house would make.
I refused to stay in any longer. I’ve rested enough. It was time to get out. It was almost time to meet up with Meredith and Emilia anyways followed by a night at El Devine. So I decided to head for the bookstore first then Target. I grab my leggings and running shoes and head out the door.
I get inside my brothers’ car, Paul’s scent still occupying it. Paul had an old green and brown Bronco. He was so in love with his car. He fixed it up the best he could and was so proud of it. I didn’t want anyone else to have it when he passed. I refused to sell it, so I kept it.
As I pulled over my seat belt, securing myself in, I look at my rearview mirror. My thoughts go the worst and I’m scared that Shane’s already in here… waiting for me. It’s quiet. My eyes search around violently through the mirror but the back seat is empty. My heart continues to pound hard in my chest. God, I’m losing it. I continue to look around my surroundings inside of my car looking for any sign of intrusion but nothing.
I drive out of the parking lot and head toward the bookstore.
The bookstore was by a massive park. It’s very popular for walks, dates, and picnics. For me, it was Shane’s favorite spot to hit me. It was my favorite spot until it wasn’t. Every time I go to the bookstore I have to pass by this park and it brings back the abusive memories.
‘How does it feel to be back home from boot camp?’ I ask. It was a cold November night. Thanksgiving was right around the corner and Shane was able to come back home after his graduation before he had to go to his tech school.
‘Great.’ He says sarcastically. He takes a swig of his beer before setting it down in the grass. He has his forearms resting on his knees and I’m leaning on his shoulder, sitting. We’re in a secluded area in the park underneath a tree. Bushes circling us in. The park’s almost empty as it nears midnight.
He’s upset and I don’t know why. This is our favorite place to talk, hang out, and do over the clothes stuff. I’ve missed him so much and I was so excited to see him. But this wasn’t the Shane I knew. He had an unfamiliar attitude and he was more aggressive than usual. He was acting like an overconfident entitled prick.
‘What’s wrong?’
‘I don’t know Ari. Maybe it’s because we’ve been together for a while and you still have this ridiculous underwear rule.’ He spits, shrugging me off his shoulders.
There he goes again pressuring me to have sex with him. Making me feel guilty about my choices and morals. I wanted to wait until marriage. And I wasn’t ready to settle down with anyone, especially Shane.
‘Shane. Please let’s not fight tonight, please.’ I sigh. I was annoyed that this had become such a constant fight in our relationship. My phone keeps buzzing so I reached into my pocket. Paul keeps texting me, asking where I’m at. He’s complaining that it’s late and wants me home but really, he was worried I was with Shane. I text him back, sharing my location, and reassured him that I’m fine.
‘Then suck my dick.’ Shane orders. He stands up, positioning his groin towards my face. I’m taken back by his words. I’m in complete shock and I don’t know what to say or do, I freeze, looking up at him.
Was he serious?
I’m still trying to comprehend the situation.
He unzips his pants, finishes his beer, then throws it to the ground. It shatters in pieces and I jump. My whole body flinches and goosebumps erupt on my skin.
‘I can’t fuck you. So.’ He pulls out his hard length and strokes it. My eyes widen and I look away.
‘Put me in your mouth Ari Cakes. You said you missed me. Show me how much you miss me.’ His voice is unrecognizable.
‘Stop it, Shane. I mean it. Or I’m leaving.’ I threaten, looking at the bushes to my side.
‘Ari. Stop acting like you don’t want it.’ Shane grins and I’m getting on my feet. I shake my head angry and I’m anxious. This was the first time he was forceful with me.
‘Where the fuck do you think you’re going?’ He stops stroking himself and I’m trying to get passed him. I don’t know where I’m going but anywhere is better than here. He grabs me by the hair and pulls me so hard I fall.
My eyes circle and I start shaking.
‘Shane! What the hell!’ I yell, soothing my scalp. Then he’s on top of me, pinning me down with his body weight. Pushing his waist into me and I cry out. I’m attempting to push him off me but he’s bigger than me.
He slaps me so hard, he makes my head whip to the other side and I stop screaming. I’m crying now, silently sobbing, holding my cheek. I’m afraid if I scream again, he would hit me.
‘Shit, I’m sorry babe. I’m so sorry. I don’t know what’s gotten into me.’ He starts to kiss my cheek and I’m studying him, afraid.
He pushes himself off of me, lifting me off the ground.
He just hit me. The first time he put his hands on me and I’m frozen.
He hit me.
‘I’m sorry babe. I am. I just miss you. I want you. I want more from you and I’m sorry… it won’t happen again.’ Shane starts pleading with me to stay longer with him. And I can’t talk. I can’t move. Instead, I feel guilty that I couldn’t give him what he needs.
‘This is what you do to me. I love you so much and I just get overly excited to know what it’s like to make love to you.’ He’s crying into my shoulder, tears seeping through my thin shirt, holding me so tight against his chest and I’m rubbing his back, confused.
‘I just want to make love to you. This is what you do to me.’ He repeats.
He finally said it. He loves me.
Little did I know, this was just the beginning of the rest of our relationship.
‘I love that there’s a coffee shop in here.’ I smile, before downing my iced coffee and walking behind Meredith and Emilia. Emilia had to tackle her wedding list and Meredith was helping her.
‘If I didn’t have the shits every time I drank it, I would love it. So I’ll just stick to the refreshers.’ Meredith scoffs and Emilia laughs.
‘You guys have to get fitted for the wedding! It’s next month. I’m taking you guys sometime this week to the dress shop. I gotta get this out of the way. One less thing to stress about.’ Emilia tells us as we walk through the aisles of the store.
‘Of course, I can’t wait. This is going to be my first time as a bridesmaid! I’m so happy for you and Harry. This was a long time coming and I’m so excited for your happy ending.’ I say, hugging her with one arm.
‘Me too. I can’t imagine myself with anyone but Harry I know I’m still young but I don’t care what anyone thinks. Harry’s twenty-five and I’m twenty-two. I feel like I’ll get criticized for getting married too young or too late. It doesn’t matter. He’s the one.‘ Emilia rants and I can hear the frustration in her voice. She’s been dealing with criticism from everyone about her marriage to Harry. From her family to her friends. She was frustrated but I was so proud of her. She hasn’t let that stop her from marrying the man of her dreams.
‘What about you, Ari?’ Meredith asks, opening up her panini sandwich.
‘What about me?’ I ask confused, raising a brow.
‘Do you think Danny’s the one for you?’ Meredith teases and I stop in my tracks, shrugging. I don’t know if Danny is the one, but it feels like he is. We had just met and it was a whirlwind of emotions, craziness, and lust. The chemistry was undeniable in such a short amount of time. Whenever we were together, I couldn’t think straight. Just the sight of him made me weak. His voice, something in the way he moves, the way he walks, his ambition, his passion for his career, his scent, his smile. The way he was so protective of me. I was completely enchanted by Danny.
Meredith takes a bite of her panini and it sends my stomach upside down watching her eat it. The smell of the chicken and bacon getting to me and it was disgusting.
“What’s wrong?” Meredith asks, talking with her mouth full and I throw my hand to my mouth to stop myself from hurling.
“It’s the smell of your sandwich,” I say scrunching my nose.
“You have a stomach bug don’t you?” Emilia asks, rubbing my back comforting.
“Or she’s pregnant.” Meredith’s voice muffled with food, chewing.
My heart drops and my eyes widen. I can feel myself growing pale and my mind starts racing.
No, I can’t be. Shit. I can’t be. There’s no way. But there is…
“Oh, my God. Are you pregnant?” Meredith swallows and I’m trembling.
I wasn’t ovulating when I had sex with him. I was always irregular in my periods so I used an app to keep track of them when I did get them. I remember this because I checked right after we had sex and I was in the safe zone. I checked…
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
“Shit,” I murmur, hyperventilating. Emilia and Meredith both look at each other worried.
“Look, this poor girl looks like she’s about to faint. We’ll buy a test right now. We’re at a Target for Godsakes. They also have restrooms. Let’s not worry unless we have to.” Emilia starts to jog towards the family planning section and I’m freaking out. Anxiety’s getting the best of me and my skin grows clammy.
If I’m pregnant… no I won’t start this rabbit hole. I’m not pregnant.
Danny and I just met this year. I know situations like this happen all the time but still. This can’t be happening to me. It’s too fast. It’s too soon. I don’t know what I would do. I’m too young to be a mom.
I have a stable job, thank God, but what about my mother? Oh God, my mother. She still thinks I’m a virgin for crying out loud. I shouldn’t be thinking about what she thinks, though. It doesn’t matter. I needed to set boundaries with her already. It was long overdue. I’m in my fucking twenties. A successful nurse. A good daughter.
We hurry out of the self-checkout and I run into the restrooms. I enter an empty stall and take off my pants and start urinating on the pregnancy test.
Emilia and Meredith burst through the restroom doors, setting their belongings on the sink counters.
“So are we going to be aunts or what?” Meredith claps her hands eagerly. Emilia smacks her shoulder, hushing her. I clean myself up and flush the toilet. My heart’s racing, unsure of how to calm my nerves.
I open the stall, dropping the test on the counter, upside down so I can’t see the results. I need to wait a couple of minutes which drives me even more crazy with anticipation.
“I need some words of encouragement right about now.” I rasp, looking at myself in the mirror. I’ve always wanted to be a mother. Just after marriage. I wanted a husband first, that was always the plan. Yet lately, everything in my life wasn’t going as I had planned.
“You’re not pregnant. Meredith is crazy. You’re fine. You just have a stomach virus.” Emilia chirps, her voice high.
“Or you’re pregnant,” Meredith says nonchalantly.
“I swear Meredith. If you don’t shut up!” Emilia exclaims, glaring at her.
“What? If she’s pregnant, I will be so happy, I will spoil the baby! I’ll babysit all the time.’
Emilia and I stop breathing and look at her, dumbfounded. ‘You’re not babysitting.’ We say synchronized.
If I’m pregnant, I’ll stay positive no matter what. I truly believe that everything will be okay. I don’t know how Danny feels but I’m sure he would be okay… right? If I’m not pregnant, then I can relax and go back to my normal daily life and get my ass on birth control as soon as possible. I didn’t expect to become sexually active in Iraq so I didn’t think I needed to be on it.
It’s about that time to see the results so I flip it over, backing myself up on a wall so Meredith and Emilia couldn’t see. My hands are shaking, my body sweating and the nausea hits me like a tsunami.
My eyes lock onto the results and I drop the test.
