Age 15:
From: [email protected]
Hey, Shine,
I hope you had a good weekend!! I’m excited to hear about how your piano recital went. I hope you got a video without your face in it so I can hear.
Anyway, let me tell you what happened on Saturday since I’m way too embarrassed to tell anyone else. I had my first kiss. It. Was. Awful.
I always thought my first kiss would be romantic; flowers, chocolate, twinkly lights, maybe in the rain. I’ve never cared all that much about the details, but a little effort would have been nice. Instead, my first kiss was awkward and sloppy in the back of his mom’s Camry while she was inside Wendy’s, complaining to the manager because her fries were cold. He didn’t even warm me up to it. He just threw his lips on me like I was his life support—and not in a good way.
So that sucked. And he didn’t even walk me to my door or anything.
Shiny, please do me a favor. Promise that if you’re ever a girl’s first kiss, you’ll put effort into it. And pay attention to the atmosphere. The back of your mom’s car in a Wendy’s parking lot is not the right place to do it.
One day, I want a kiss so good it wipes away this one. I want a kiss that feels like it’s my first.
Much love,
Lily
P.S. My rash went away, so no need to be worried about that anymore.
***
Nathan and I had developed a routine of sorts.
It went a little something like this:
Monday: We both worked. Then we’d hang out at Romfuzzled and watch Layla torture Luke. Sometimes Crew danced on the bar. When we got home, we’d watch The Bachelorette.
Tuesday: After work, Nathan taught lessons. I tagged along so we could stop to get greasy fast food on the way home.
Wednesday: Folding party and piano lesson for me. Then we’d listen to various playlists from Rachel’s famous Spotify account.
Thursday: Nathan worked out when he got home. I walked in on it one time. Yowza. Romfuzzled for trivia night after.
Friday: We’d order pizza, argue about whether we should watch Pixar—my personal fave being Monsters, Inc., but Nathan had a weird obsession over Tow Mater—or the Phillies highlights. End up watching both.
We’d grown comfortable and had come to know each other so well that our movements throughout the apartment were practically synchronized. We rarely had to discuss what we were doing next. He’d leave coffee grounds out for my plants. I’d leave sticky notes in his work bag or his lunch box, sometimes with little doodles. He’d try to recreate them on his own sticky note at work, then text pictures of our drawings side by side.
It was perfect.
But today was entirely out of the routine. My job interview was scheduled for Tuesday, and in preemptive celebration, and/or pity, depending on how it went, I bought tickets to the Phillies game. It had been too long since I’d been, and I was desperate to watch Nathan yell at the ref in person like he did at home. His jaw would tighten, and his neck would get all thick and red and veiny. The sight totally revved my engine up.
“Come on, princess. Bryce Harper isn’t gonna care if you wear the blue shirt or the red one,” I yelled from the couch.
Nathan had been in his room getting ready for approximately ten years. He said, and I quote, “I need to look my best in case I meet someone.” I responded with “Do you mean one of the players?” to which he said, “Possibly.”
So that was where we were with that.
“I can’t find my gray tennis shoes!” he shouted back with the sass of a twelve-year-old girl at Starbucks holding up a secret recipe she found on TikTok.
“They’re on the left side of your bed.”
An adorable oh was his response.
Hopping into the living room on his right foot, Nathan crammed his left foot into a shoe. “How did you know that?”
I shrugged. “Went snooping the other day.”
He snorted. “Find anything interesting?”
I stood up and stretched. “Just your Speedo. Can’t wait for you to bring that bad boy out this summer.”
He double knotted his shoe and looked up at me. “Really?”
“No.” I grinned. “But it’s good to know you have one. I’ll keep that for a rainy day. Now let’s go.” I jerked my head toward the door.
The seats I ordered at Citizens Bank Park—very last-minute—were, well, garbage. But Nathan didn’t blink twice. Nope. He happily sat in one of our assigned seats behind two human giraffes who blocked the entire view.
“Calla, sit down. We can watch the screens.”
Crossing my arms, I huffed. “We might as well have watched it from home, then.”
I turned my head, searching the crowd until I spotted a buff security guard a few rows down. He was wearing dark sunglasses and a hat low on his brow. For a moment, he broke character, smiling sweetly at an older couple as he directed them to their seats. Once their backs were turned, he shifted right back to his stone-cold, serious demeanor. Perfect.
I grabbed Nathan’s hand and yanked. “Come on. Let’s go.”
Mouth ajar, he looked up at our joined hands and back up to me. “Go where?”
I pointed to the security guard below us, and before I could even explain, Nathan was violently shaking his head. “No, no, no, no, no.”
I tugged on his hands again, trying to ignore how good it felt to tangle my fingers with his. “I need to ask him a question.”
With a groan, Nathan gave up and followed me as I bounced down the concrete steps, passing through the waves of people decked out in red and white. Mr. Scowly-face stood still like he was a guard of Buckingham Palace, arms crossed and bulging tattooed biceps peeking out, as if to say try me.
“I really don’t think this is a good idea,” Nathan whisper-yelled in my ear. But he was trailing behind me, his hand still locked with mine.
“Hi!” I bounced on my toes to meet the guard’s eye.
He lowered his head enough to peer over his sunglasses. “Hello.” His tone was all rumbly and probably should’ve been scary enough for us to turn right back around. Instead, I zeroed in on the small tattoo of a wolf on his hairy forearm.
“I love your tattoos. Is that a wolf?” I raised my finger to the ink.
He glanced down at his arm like he needed a reminder and then lifted his sunglasses. He had a slight tan line where they sat, as if they were practically glued to his face. “Yeah, it is.”
“Don’t wolf tattoos stand for strength? You seem like the kind of guy to have a strength tattoo.” I hyped up his ego, possibly batting my eyelashes a little.
Behind me, Nathan muttered, “Oh brother,” but I ignored him.
The security guard lightened up, raising his brows and giving me a half grin. “It is for strength, actually.”
I nodded and smiled up at him. Perfect. “I knew it. They did a great job. Love the shading.” I was practically kissing the guy’s hand like an overexcited puppy.
“Thank you.” He looked at Nathan, who was hovering behind me, and then back at me. “Was there something I could help you with?”
I perked up, pulling my shoulders back and biting my lower lip. “Actually, yes. My friend and I”—I grasped Nathan’s forearm and forced him to take a step up since he was a flight risk—“were looking to scoot a few rows down since our seats don’t really allow for a view of the field. And we spent so long getting here and settling down, I promise we won’t be in the way.”
Scowly-face pulled his sunglasses right back down and flashed me his pearly whites. “Absolutely, ma’am. If someone shows up and says the seats are theirs, just move over a bit, okay? If you need anything, my name is Tony.”
I placed a grateful hand over my heart. “Ugh, you are an angel, Tony. We appreciate you so much!”
Nathan wrapped his hand around mine again, and we jogged down the stairs to a mostly open section where the seats were far more expensive. I settled in a seat that was almost directly behind the Phillies dugout.
For a moment, Nathan just stood in front of the seat beside me and inspected it. But finally, he plopped down next to me. He was silent for a second and then turned to me. “How do you do that?”
“Do what?” I shrugged and pulled down the armrest to my right.
“Make everyone fall in love with you.” His voice was full of awe. Like Luke’s was the time he forced us all to go see The Phantom Menace in theaters with him.
I scoffed. “It doesn’t work with everyone. It took you a while to warm up to me, didn’t it?”
It was an offhanded comment, but it was true. Nathan hadn’t come to like me till a few days after I had moved in with him. Before then, each of our interactions was a train wreck. Awkward exchanges, strange, prolonged eye contact, and let’s not forget the time at the Romfuzzled opening when I straight up told him he looked homeless. To be fair, he did look rough.
Nathan turned and scrutinized me, his brow furrowed and his eyes serious. “Trust me, it didn’t.” He didn’t look away then. As he continued studying me, I swore his pupils dilated. Behind those eyes lay the most loyal and kind man who was always true to his word.
The way he watched me sent my heart racing and made my palms clammy. What would it be like to have this kind of undivided attention from him always?
He was the definition of a people pleaser, until it came time to defend his friends. Then he was there, ready to fight to the death over one sassy comment. For years, he’d stood by Luke, and Layla too, when we were all working our hardest to bring the two of them together. He was slow to anger when all odds were against him, but if one of the people he loved was pushed, he became a force to be reckoned with.
That loyalty was there now, mixed with this…admiration? He was hard to read sometimes. Flirty one minute and pulling back the next. I straight-up wanted to ask him, is there something here between us? It felt like something, all right. And I wanted to grab on to it so we could see where it took us.
But Nathan was like a skittish cat. He had to be the one to approach. Every time I’d attempted to pull the truth out of him, he had freaked out and run. Or if I ramped up my flirting, just to see his reactions, the cogs in his brain would work so hard to move, but it was like one of them was stuck, shutting down the whole operation. Maybe later, though, after he’d watched the game and eaten some solid hot dogs, and possibly had a couple beers, I would see what he was thinking.
But for now, I just smiled at him and shoved those emotions aside. “Well, that’s good to know.”
Nathan smiled back, but it wasn’t the kind that made his eyes light up. Like he was holding himself back too.
Our friendship had become more important to me than I could have imagined. Our routines were perfectly aligned, and we were always so open with each other. Heck, I’d told the man that I had a mask kink without a second thought. Because I trust him, and because I knew if my words were going to Nathan, then they weren’t going anywhere else. The man was a vault. One that held secrets and love for those around him. Now if I could just take a hammer to that vault and see every thought that was running through it.
“Excuse me.”
Two older ladies stood beside me, decked out in matching red jerseys and shorts that didn’t conceal much, especially considering their age. The woman holding a walker with tennis balls on the bottom of them had several tattoos on both hands. The other was loaded down with gold jewelry and wore designer sunglasses that probably cost more than my monthly car payment. Talk about Layla and me in fifty years.
“We just need to squeeze by you.” The one without the cane pointed at the seats next to Nathan on my left.
I pulled my legs in as far as they could go and smiled up at them. “Yes, ma’am. Come on in.”
Nathan stood and leaned against his chair, taking off his white Phillies hat and holding out a spare hand to help them through.
“Oh my. What a gentleman.” The one with the cane and tattoos held a hand to her chest. “Paula, look at this sweet young man.” She fluttered her lashes in an exaggerated manner, making Nathan’s cheeks turn pink.
I couldn’t help but giggle into my hand.
Paula replied with a mocking but firm tone. “Edith, you had varicose vein surgery last week, and you’re hitting on a man in his twenties? Pull it together.”
Edith, who I was ready to claim as my new best friend for life, nudged Nathan. “Just ’cause I got both hips replaced doesn’t mean I can’t shake ’em, honey.”
“Oh, great heavens!” Paula shook her head. “Sit down before you make the man uncomfortable.”
Too late. Nathan was laughing his nervous laugh, and his face was flaming. “It’s fine,” he said like the sweet gentleman he was.
And I was absolutely dying to poke his nerves about it.
Once the elderly women got seated, Paula being sure to sit between Edith and Nathan, he turned to me, mouthing, “Oh my gosh.”
I pressed my lips between my teeth and mouthed, “I know” in response.
He leaned toward my seat a smidge so our shoulders brushed. An announcer came over the speakers as the players were practicing pitches on the field, and I took the opportunity to whisper, “I can Uber home if you want to take Edith out for a wild night.”
He laughed, the red on his face fading. “Like take her to bingo and then out for gluten-free pastries after?”
I shrugged. “Hey, whatever makes you happy, fella.”
Thirty minutes into the game, the Phillies were already running circles around the away team, and Nathan was headed to buy hot dogs and drinks. I may have hinted that if he came back with a cookie for me, I wouldn’t complain.
“Is he your honey?” Paula turned to me, her cloudy eyes full of curiosity.
I waved a hand. “Oh, no. Just friends.”
Edith scoffed and leaned forward so she could see around her friend. “I would’ve been on that in a heartbeat. That young man is the whole package. I mean, I hate to see him go, but oh, it is nice to watch him leave.”
Paula grimaced. “You can’t even get in a canoe, much less deal with a man that young.”
Turning back to the game, Edith nodded fiercely. “I would figure it out.”
I held in my laughter, but it was a struggle. “I hate to disappoint, but we really are just friends.”
Paula shook her head this time. “I’m sure you are.”
Between the eighth and ninth innings, the teams’ mascots chased each other around the field. I couldn’t help but laugh when one of them took popcorn from a vendor and threw it at the other.
“Hey, look. It’s your boyfriend.” Nathan pointed at the field below.
I scanned the open space for Bryce Harper, because, duh, and only found our fluffy green mascot twerking on second base.
Nathan grabbed my hand and pointed it toward the Phillies mascot. “I thought you were into masks,” he said, his tone full of faux innocence.
I threw my head back and guffawed. “You are the worst.” I shoved a hand in his ribs, and I couldn’t help but notice how tight his abs felt.
With a howl of laughter, he said, “I’m just looking out for you, BG. Gotta play my part as wingman.” He leaned back into his chair, still crowding my space to avoid brushing up against Paula.
“Oh yeah? You’re my wingman now?”
He draped his arm along the back of my chair, which I guess technically didn’t count as putting his arm around me. But the way it brought our faces close, and the scent of his cologne as it wafted toward me, sure made it feel like he was making a move.
“I’ve been your wingman since day one. I’ve just been keeping it all to myself.”
“Is that right?” I laughed.
Nathan nodded, a cocky smirk on his lips. “Yup. Just wait till you see who I set you up on a blind date with. I’ll give you a couple of hints. He’s big, yellow, and possibly resembles a bird.”
I had my head thrown back in laughter, ready to make a comeback about how Big Bird wasn’t my type, when a spectator sitting behind me tapped my shoulder. I twisted in my seat, finding a middle-aged man and his wife. They were smiling at Nathan and me and pointing at the large screen in front of us.
There, in high definition, Nathan and I sat. His arm was still draped along the back of my seat, and there was a big, fat pink border around us covered in hearts that said Kiss Cam.
My smile couldn’t be contained. It was kind of adorable how everyone was watching us excitedly. Edith’s comment floated through my mind. She was right. Nathan was the full package, and the kiss cam might be the perfect excuse to test the chemistry we shared. Except…
Nathan caught on to what was happening and shook his head violently, dragging a hand over his throat. “No, no, no, no, no.”
Shocked, I sucked in a breath. On the screen above us, my jaw was hanging open. “Come on. It’s just one kiss.”
It wasn’t like I had to climb him like a spider monkey. Although I wouldn’t have objected if asked.
“It’s not—I just.” He groaned in frustration and threw his arms up before letting them drop to his lap. “It would be like kissing Luke.”
I recoiled like he had physically hurt me. Because it honestly did hurt. My heart lurched. Like kissing Luke? Had I been imagining our connection? I was having fun, and I swore I’d caught him watching me with this soft look from time to time. He even admitted over text that he’d almost kissed me weeks ago. Dipping my chin, I considered just walking away, but my mind raced back to moments ago. No…no. He definitely didn’t think kissing me would be like kissing my brother.
Judging by how close he’d been, how he’d so easily wrapped his arm around my chair and moved in so his breath tickled my neck? No way.
More images floated to the surface. His fingers brushing through my hair the other night. Conversations about things he’d never told another soul.
Nathan, still staring at me with such conflict in his eyes, glanced down at my lips. He was holding back, but I knew Nathan well enough to know he didn’t really believe this would be like kissing his best friend.
I brought my hands to either side of his face, soaking in the feel of the sharp stubble on his jaw. I gave him a moment to protest, and when he didn’t, I pulled his face to mine and sealed our lips in a kiss.
He opened up, immediately leaning into me with a sigh. The kiss tasted like a delicious cocktail of the beer he’d been drinking and my cherry ChapStick. I wanted more, needed more. I wanted to leave this stadium immediately and pull him into the nearest utility closet.
But just as I was settling into the kiss, ready to open my mouth for him, Nathan yanked away, avoiding eye contact.
With a shrug, I leaned back and took a sip of my water, trying to calm my racing heart. All while pretending that reaction didn’t feel like a knife to the chest.
Around us, the crowd cheered, but the sound barely registered. Because in that moment, I realized I’d just kissed my roommate. And he looked pissed.
