Age 16:
From: [email protected]
Hey Lil,
I’m really, really sorry about that.
If it makes you feel better, my first kiss was super awkward and uncomfortable. It was after a soccer game (in which I only played for about five minutes). One of the sophomore girls said she liked my hair, then followed me to my car, where I basically shoved her against the hood and stuck my tongue down her throat. She said she liked it, but it was definitely weird, and I’m sure it was obvious I had never done that before. I haven’t spoken to her since. Kinda sucked. If I ever get the chance to be a girl’s first kiss again, though chances are slim, I’ll be sure to make it special.
And I hope one day you find a guy who wipes away every bad kiss you’ll ever have (hate to say this probably won’t be the only one).
Also, I’m glad your rash is gone. Was definitely up the last three nights worried about it…
Love ya,
Shiny
P.S. Did you ever finish watching Master Chef? I need you to catch up so we can discuss Gordon’s last rampage.
***
“Will you slow down a minute?”
I was furious. Livid. With myself and with Calla.
Without responding, I kept my stride all the way up to the apartment. If I didn’t hold tightly to this control, I’d say things I didn’t want to tell her just yet. Things like this didn’t go the way I imagined it would and I needed to sort through you in my head before kissing you. Instead, Calla, hyped up by a crowd and a giant screen with our faces on it surrounded by hearts, had ruined it. Did I want to kiss her? Absolutely. Did I want to wrap my arms around her and pull her to me and murmur words about how beautiful and funny she was against the skin behind her earlobe? Without a doubt.
But I had a system for these things. And I needed to talk to Luke before laying a hand on her. Some may consider the bro code to be a casual list of suggestions. But not me. The bro code is the eleventh commandment. Thou shall not touch one’s best friend’s sister without permission.
It was old-fashioned, sure. Calla would call me out on it if she knew I upheld such a traditional value. Yes, she could make her own decisions without Luke’s permission. But I needed to respect him. And nothing says disrespect like a carnal urge to stick my tongue down his little sister’s throat.
In other news, when Calla did kiss me, I barely kissed her back. I leaned in, and then froze, still as a statue. I had moves. I was no saint. And yet the second she went for it, I was fifteen again, in a movie theater with my first girlfriend. I clammed up, and now there was no way she didn’t think I was a horrible kisser.
And what did it say about me that a small peck for a kiss cam was about the most erotic thing I’d ever experienced?
Calla followed me, her shoes clomping against the tile of the hallway between the elevator and our door. “What’s the matter with you? You’re acting so weird, and I’m sick of it.” She was talking so loud our neighbors were sure to hear.
“Nothing. I’m just tired.” The words were sharper than I intended, and my voice was practically unrecognizable.
I unlocked our door and opened it for Calla, because even though I was irritated, I still had manners.
She scoffed as she passed me and threw her purse on the counter. “I have seen tired Nathan, and he doesn’t treat me like this.”
“Like what?” I asked, my throat all sore and raspy from holding back for the last hour.
“Like you’re…I don’t know. Like you can’t even look at me. I had a really good time today, and I guess I thought you did too.” She took a deep breath and sighed. “Look, I’m sorry I kissed you. I didn’t think it would upset you that much. Honestly, I thought you’d like it and—”
“Please stop talking.” Tugging at my hair, I dropped my chin and studied the floor. This was so, so bad.
Calla backed away and scoffed, shaking her head with an insincere smile. “You know what? I’m done. I’m gonna go to bed.” She spun on her heel toward her room directly across from mine.
My brain went into panic mode, a million synapses firing to form one thought: stop her.
My shoes squeaked against the hardwood floor as I strode after her. She pushed the door open, but before she could cross the threshold, I snagged her wrist and spun her around. With that hand pulled into my chest, I raised my other arm and propped it against the doorframe above her.
Calla tipped her head back, her eyes wide. Dipping low, I brought my lips to that sliver of skin behind her ear where her hair laid perfectly and practically growled.
“Our first kiss wasn’t supposed to be like that.”
She gasped when I dropped my hands to her waist and pulled her closer. The tips of our noses brushed, and I bit my lips in restraint, searching her eyes for an answer. For a green light. Give me something, Calla. Anything.
When her eyelids drooped and she leaned into my hold, her chest brushing against mine, I took it as a sign. Go ahead.
I pressed my mouth to hers instantly. There were no careful, light touches this time. I wanted the side of Calla that was bold and entirely unapologetic. My lips tangled with hers, and I slid my tongue out for a taste of her absolute perfection. Like the first bite of watermelon in the summer, she was fresh and so unbelievably sweet. I savored every taste, every movement, every precious gasp she made when my fingers lightly grazed over her.
I explored her body with my hands, grabbing at her hips, brushing along her ribs, all the way down to the backs of her thighs so I could pull her closer. More, more, more my brain screamed. I fought back, digging deep for patience rather than rushing like a teenager, which was what my body desperately wanted. I slid my hand up her neck and cupped her jaw, bringing my thumb to her bottom lip, careful not to break the kiss. Just to make sure this was real, that she was real.
We stumbled against the doorframe, her head banging against the wood and my hand racing up to cup it to protect her from any future damages I may cause. In this frenzied state, I felt like an animal. Like I was going to swallow her whole if I wasn’t careful. Or possibly ram us both through her bedroom door.
Her groans mixed with mine, and she let out a gasp when I bit down on her lower lip. She threaded her fingers through my hair and tugged me closer like she was as starved as I was for this.
She was the first thing in my life that felt this…permanent. And I craved more of it. More of her.
I pulled away to catch my breath but didn’t leave for long. I couldn’t resist dipping in again and planting a couple more soft, sweet kisses along her lips. It was like my brain knew this could be the last time, so I’d take what I could get. Keep all the tiny kisses in my head as memories of her throughout my day.
I needed to stop, needed to garner some sense of control over myself. This was not only my best friend’s sister but also my roommate. As in we would have to deal with this head-on at some point. And dragging her into her room would only complicate that further. Calla needed stability, and I could provide that for her. Just not like this.
Just…a few…more. I kissed down her throat to her collarbone, where I nipped at her. Calla, being as responsive and unapologetic as she was, moaned and tugged harder on my hair.
Stop, stop, stop, a small voice inside me shouted, drowning out the part that begged for more.
I pulled back and held her at arm’s length so I could look into her eyes. “It was supposed to be like that.”
I turned on my heel, and on a shaky breath, I walked into my room and closed the door.
