AVA
Okay, ten lined-up posts should be enough for this week. Aesthetics and reels. I contacted a couple of other bookstagrammers, and they all seemed interested in collaborating. I’m so excited about all this, I can barely sleep these days. My desire to be the best in class is also keeping me up—I’m trying to be on top of everything, and it often turns into the biggest disaster. Having high expectations, I end up disappointed when I don’t reach the goals I set for myself. Or I do, but everything is rushed, and I’m still unhappy.
I put my phone down and look up, meeting Layla’s glare. I lean my back in the chair and arch an eyebrow at her. “Any particular reason you are watching me like you’re trying to jinx me, little witch?”
Her jaw drops, and her eyes go round. The shocked expression on her face is priceless. She quickly gets rid of it and smacks her lips in an annoyed frown. “You definitely deserve to get jinxed, bitch. I hate how much of a smart-ass you are, Mason.”
“If I weren’t, you wouldn’t have wanted to be my friend, bitch.” I wink at her, and Layla cracks a smile. “What’s up with you? You’re way too cranky for just being annoyed with me for being on my phone.”
“I have my period, and it feels like I’m dying. And flooding. I fucking hate it,” she huffs and lowers her chin into her hands on the table. “Clay made fun of me. He said he loves it when I get so irritated because it’s so easy to tease me.”
“You sure he made fun of you? Looks like your guy tried to tell you it’s okay to be in a bad mood; he still likes you no matter what.”
“Maybe.” She sighs. “What are you going to do this weekend?”
“Dunno. I’ve been thinking about going home tomorrow. I miss Dad and Smokey. I haven’t talked to Colt about it yet. He’s too busy practicing for regional semifinals next week. I don’t think it’s a big deal if we spend some time apart.”
“I’ll go with you. I hope you’ll find time to chill with me too. It feels like we haven’t done anything crazy in an eternity.”
“We’re dating two best friends who were known for never dating anyone. Sounds crazy enough to me.”
Layla bursts out laughing and sits up straight. “That’s why I love you, Ava. You’re a gem. You always know what to say to lighten my mood.” She coasts her eyes over my face. “Have you figured out what you’re going to give Colt for his birthday?”
“Have no clue.” I shake my head and put my books in my backpack. I’m going back to the dorm since I have a little break between my classes. “His birthday is on April eleventh, so I still have four weeks.”
We both stroll down the hallway, parting ways when she goes to the bathroom and I head to the exit. I’m preparing a list of things I need to do on this two-hour break: clean my room, read one of my assignments, and—
I stop in my tracks just as I get to the stairs. Layla’s words ring in my ears, and my heart sinks to my feet. I hurriedly take my phone out of my pocket, launch the calendar, and stare at it in disbelief and growing fear. I’m four days late. Memories about our sex in the sin-bin come to mind, and I’m not okay.
I rush down the stairs, literally run down the street, and head straight to the pharmacy. A thousand thoughts spiral in my head as I try to find an explanation. I make a list of reasons why it can’t be true. We were always careful, except that one time, when I know he pulled out. I don’t feel nauseous. My appetite hasn’t changed, and I’m eating everything I normally eat. I don’t feel tired or sleepy. I’m my usual self, just a bit nervous because of my classes and my new job. That must be it. Nerves.
Back in the dorm, I sigh in relief when I see that our room is empty. Jordan must be at class, which gives me much-needed privacy. I take three tests at once, put them on my bed, and just wait. I pace the room and shove handfuls of M&Ms into my mouth. These candies always help me relax, but they have no power over my nervousness now. I’m a wreck, afraid to even think about an outcome I don’t want to see. It will be a total fiasco, a fucking requiem for our future. He’s waiting for news from the Thunders, and I can’t even imagine telling him I’m pregnant. It would ruin everything.
My phone dings, and I pick it up, opening a message from my dad. He sent me a picture of Smokey lying on my bed. My eyes sting with unwelcome tears as I let him know I’m coming home tomorrow. I can trust him with anything, but I have no idea how he’s going to react to me being knocked-up. Just as I see my dad typing a message to me, my alarm starts ringing. I squint at my bed to see the results.
Well…fuck.
I’m pregnant.
Plopping myself down on my bed, I curl into a ball and cry. It’s so pathetic, but I need it. To release this tension, to regulate my emotions and reduce my stress. I want to be a little girl again, whose only trouble was her dad not knowing how to braid her hair.
Each new thought I have is more disturbing than the last. He’s going to leave as soon as he graduates, and I can’t see any happy ending, no matter how much I try to stay positive. It’s not working.
ME:
Hey. Can we meet? It’s important.
Delete.
ME:
Hey. You’re going to be a dad.
Delete.
I’m ready to scratch my eyes out. My eyes are puffy, and my mind is a fucking muddle. I feel like I’ve lost the ability to think straight, to think in general. As if someone flipped a switch and turned me into the stupidest idiot in the world. Talking to Colton is a must. We’re in this together, and I want him to help me make a decision. I don’t want him to tell me what to do, but I want to hear his take on this news.
The door swings open, and I jump, hurriedly scrambling to collect the tests, pressing them close to my chest. Jordan freezes in the doorway, stupefied. She rakes her gaze over me, twisting her lips as if she’s looking at the most disgusting insect. The news about me being Colton’s girlfriend made everything even worse than it was. She envies me and hates me altogether.
“Didn’t expect you to be here,” she hisses, stepping forward and closing the door behind her. “Don’t you have class in twenty minutes?”
I look at my phone and curse. I was so deep in my misery, I stopped paying attention to everything else. She’s right; I need to leave now to be on time for my next class. I hop off my bed, shove my things in my backpack, and saunter to the door.
“Thanks for the reminder.”
Jordan narrows her eyes, finally taking me in. “I think you should look at yourself in the mirror before you go anywhere. Colton doesn’t deserve to have his girlfriend embarrass him with how she looks.”
I shut the door behind me and head to the bathroom. Washing my face is the only thing I’m going to do. I don’t have time for anything else.
The next few hours fly by in a flash. Miraculously, I was able to focus on my classes, not letting my problems catch me in a trap. I even started smiling, talking to one of my classmates when he made a few jokes about one of our professors. It did me a lot of good, and I was ready to kiss him just for helping me to ease my mind. My good cry had a soothing effect, and I’m close to my normal state. My mind has stopped being a puddle, and even now produces more and more ideas about how I should handle my situation.
I’m on my way to my dorm when I pull my phone out of my pocket. It’s five p.m., and I’m racking my brain, trying to remember if Colton has any plans today except practice. Probably not. Otherwise, he would have definitely mentioned it to me.
I want to drop off my stuff at my room, grab a few things, and go to his place. We still have time to discuss what we’re going to do.
The second I come closer to my room, I hear the music blasting. Jordan is here, and I sigh, rolling my eyes in exasperation. Next year, I will do anything to change my roommate.
I open the door, amble inside, and go to my closet. I pull a few things from it and shove them into my backpack. Then I edge to my desk and put the books I won’t need on it, turn around and walk to the door. Suddenly the music stops, and I whip my head to look at my roommate. Her eyes are on me, and a smug smile plays on her lips. I furrow my brow, not understanding her reaction.
“Leaving already?”
“Like that surprises you?” I say, putting my hand on the doorknob. “I’m barely ever in our room, Jordan. You should be happy to have this place to yourself.”
“Oh, I’m very happy. Like super-duper, knocked-up happy.”
“Say what?” I wheel around and look at her. The words she chose don’t sound like a coincidence.
“You dropped something when you were in such a hurry to leave earlier.” No. Please no. I haven’t checked my tests even once since the moment I dumped them in my backpack.
“Keep your nose out of my business, Jordan. It has nothing to do with you.”
“But it has something to do with your boyfriend. He was going to go pro, because he’s a very talented hockey player, but you are going to ruin it for him.” My cheeks puff out, and I’m ready to fucking strangle her. “I thought he should know.”
“You wouldn’t—”
“Oh, I did. I couldn’t let this opportunity go to waste. He wasn’t happy. Dumbfounded, actually. Stunned to the core.” She flashes me the fakest smile as I feel my legs give out. “No one likes it when sluts like you try to steal their future.”
“Jordan, I swear—”
“You should prepare yourself for life as a single mom. Or get an abortion. Yeah, better get an abortion. Bringing an unwanted child into the world is the stupidest idea ever.” With that, she turns her back on me and turns the music up. She’s done with this conversation, leaving me seething. I fucking hate this bitch.
I slam the door behind me and stride down the stairs. I wouldn’t wish this feeling on anyone—it’s honestly a fucking apocalypse. That idiotic bitch had no right to tell Colt about my pregnancy. She had no right to reveal my secrets. I’m so fucking furious I barely see where I’m going, and I tug harder on my backpack. I want to cry, to scream, to punch something, all at the same time—but I also want to see him.
I hear a car horn and freeze. The driver twists a finger around his temple and stares at me. I lift my hands in the air and mouth, I’m sorry. He drives away, probably thinking I’m a careless imbecile who wants to die young. I clench my jaw, resuming my walk and banning all thoughts about my roommate and what she’s done.
Inside Colt’s apartment, I quickly take off my sneakers, hang my leather jacket, and put my backpack on the floor. I go to the living room and plop myself down on the couch, closing my eyes. What a freaking disaster. I can only imagine his reaction when that Barbie told him about my pregnancy, or—even worse—shoved my pregnancy test in his face.
Jordan, I hope you rot in hell for real.
My eyes snap open, and I sit up abruptly. Wait a minute. I scurry back to the hallway, pull my phone out of my backpack, unlock it, and stare at the screen. He knows. He knows and he hasn’t called me. He hasn’t texted me. He did nothing, not even a single message asking me to come to his place and talk.
I look at the time, calculating in my head when his practice should be over. Usually he’s home by seven p.m., and I don’t think tonight should be any different. The tiniest voice of doubt prowls inside my head, making it hard for me to breathe fully. I shoo it away, trying my best not to worry yet. There could be an explanation. I have no clue when she talked to him—maybe he was on his way to practice already. That’s if she talked to him at all. She could be lying, for all I know.
I just want to believe he cares enough about me not to leave me like this.
At seven forty, I’m on the verge of delirium. I pace back and forth between his living room, his kitchen, and his bedroom. My throat is full of pricks and needles, and even my fingers are trembling. The fury I felt has been replaced by fear. Insecurity. I’m slowly dying inside without him.
I take my phone from the couch and dial his number. I press it to my ear and hear a mechanical voice—he sent me straight to voicemail. Did he turn his phone off? Or is his battery dead?
I stare at the screen, and then I call Clay. He’s my last hope, because I don’t want to accept that Colton would leave me like this. His best friend will know where he is; he’ll be able to help me.
“Hey, Clay. How are you?”
“Hey hey, Ava. I’m good, going to watch something with Layla. You?”
“Um, do you know where Colt is? I’m at his place, and I think his phone is off.”
There is a pause, and then Clay clears his throat. “Didn’t he tell you? He went to San Jose to sign his contract with the Thunders. He was going to stop by your dorm before his flight.”
“Oh, I didn’t know…I didn’t see him today. We probably missed each other. Well then, bye.”
“Ava, wait—”
“Bye, Clay.” I hang up feeling numb. Everything becomes clear. He probably came to my dorm and met Jordan. He found out I was pregnant, but he didn’t call or text me once. He just left me on my own and went to sign the contract. One I didn’t even know about.
I count to ten, then I whirl around and go to his bedroom. I have too many things at his place, and I need to get them all. I don’t want to leave even a trace of my presence in this suddenly cold apartment. I don’t want to cry. I’m not the type to ruin the place either. I’m as calm as fucking Stefan Salvatore with his emotions turned off. I don’t want to do anything stupid because I don’t care. Just like Jefferson, who couldn’t call an ambulance for fear of his future, Colton chose his career over me.
I look like a zombie. I slept for one fucking hour on his couch, and I don’t have even an ounce of energy in me to care about it. It’s barely eight a.m. when I drag my feet onto campus. My backpack is ready to explode with all my things, and I have another bag pressed to my chest as I head into the library.
“Ava?” Looking over my shoulder, I see Ms. Lewis. “What are you doing here so early?”
“I want to go home after classes,” I mumble as she falls into step beside me.
She frowns. Her deep blue eyes wander all over my face. “Are you okay?”
I continue staring at her, as if I’m in some sort of daze. She’s the only adult I have here at school. We have become close because of all the books we talk about, because of all the hours I spend studying in the library. I blink and shake my head.
“No. I’m not okay.”
Ms. Lewis sighs, grabs my hand in hers, and pulls me down the stairs. She heads straight to her car, opens the door, and only then releases my hand, with one purpose only: to take my things from me and usher me into her car. I slip inside, buckle the seat belt, and wait. I have no idea what she has in mind or what I’m doing here, but I let her.
Starting the engine, she sneaks a glance in my direction. “You’re skipping school today. You’ll need to check with a classmate about missing assignments.”
“Okay.” I pull my phone out of my pocket. “Where are we going?”
“I’m taking you home.” She smiles at me. “I’ll need your address.”
I give it to her and quickly text my classmate. Before I hide my phone back in my pocket, I turn it off. I don’t want to talk to anyone.
