LUCIANA BARRELED DOWN THE CRACKED PATH TOWARD ME. Her smile, bright, optimistic, and brave, contrasted so starkly with her surroundings, the sight of her drove a knife through my gut. We were on borrowed time. This place would dim her light every day she spent here. I’d do everything I could for her to keep it. Everything.
She hit me hard, knocking me back a step. Theo caught me and steadied us both.
“Watch it, wild woman. You’re like a little cannonball.” I stroked her waves and bent over her to inhale everything Luciana.
She let go of me to jump up and down. “I can’t believe I get to spend the night in your dorm. Every single one of my friends is jealous.” She smiled at Theo. “Do you think the boys will think I’m a college girl? Like a freshman, of course.”
He winced, the same way I did on the inside. “Nope. You look your age, little hell-raiser, and that’s a good thing. If an eighteen-year-old guy tries to hit on you, run for the hills.” He rubbed his chin. “Actually, any guy tries to hit on you, even if he’s twelve like you, book it.”
She rolled her eyes. “Terrible advice, Theo.”
I slipped my arm around his waist. “I don’t know, I think he’s right. When you’re about twenty, like me, then you can consider having a boyfriend.”
Luc’s eyes bounced from my face to where I was holding on to Theo, then to his arm around my shoulders. I realized then this was the first time we’d been tactile with each other in front of her, and she’d noticed.
“So, are you guys boyfriend and girlfriend?” Her finger waggled back and forth between us.
I pushed away from Theo. “Oh god, no, gross.”
He held his hands up. “Yeah, she’s not into me. She says I’m far too handsome for her.”
Luc’s hands went to her hips. “I don’t think that’s a valid reason not to date someone. You shouldn’t judge a book by its cover, Hells.”
I hugged her again, then kept my arm around her to steer her toward Theo’s car. “I know, babe. You’re right.”
Theo cuffed under her chin, which was cute. From Luc’s wrinkled nose, she probably thought it was better reserved for a younger kid.
“Helen and I are just friends. Neither of us are into having a boyfriend or girlfriend right now. Friends are good, though, right?”
He opened the car door for her. She stopped right before she slid in, holding on to the side. “But if either of you started to be into having a girlfriend or boyfriend, you’d choose each other, right?”
Theo froze. I was behind him, so I couldn’t see his face, but I did see the tension hit his spine and squeeze his muscles taut. Yeah, that was awkward.
“Why don’t you hop in the car, kid?” Theo gave her a gentle shove. “I’m starving. If I don’t find some pizza to demolish, I’m going to eat your face off.”
Luciana accepted his dodge of her question easily, because she was Luciana. I told myself I hadn’t been waiting for his answer with even more interest than my little sister.
I wasn’t a robot. Theo and I had been doing this friends with benefits thing for well over a month. And when we weren’t fighting, it worked. God, did it work. But as hard as I raged against it, I had to admit I had feelings. Soft ones. Sweet ones. Heart-swelling ones.
I did not know what to do with feelings like that. I’d never had them before or wanted more with a guy.
Did I even want more? Theo gave me a lot. To be honest, I couldn’t picture what more would even look like since he was generous with me in every way.
Even as I thought that, I knew it wasn’t true. Theo gave a lot, but he didn’t give himself. I’d slipped out details, important details, like my plans for Luc and me, my dad, things about my mom and my past, and Theo had been such a keen listener, it wasn’t until later that I’d realize he hadn’t reciprocated. That wasn’t to say I’d been fully open, but Theo hadn’t even cracked a sliver.
I guess that was answer enough. There were limits here, I had mine, and Theo had his. So, I’d tuck away my little tender feelings because there was no way I’d be getting my heart broken by a richie rich. Never gonna happen, no matter how twinkly his eyes were.
Theo reached across the console and squeezed my knee before backing out of his spot and heading toward the pizza shop. Yeah, we worked. My lips were sealed. My heart was behind a padlocked door.
Between Luc, Zadie, Theo, and me, we nearly demolished two pizzas. We FaceTimed with Gabe and Pen and watched Parasite with them. Elena stopped by, sneered at Gabe and waved at Pen, stole a piece of pizza, then left like she’d never been there.
Luc was passed out in my bed and had been for an hour or so. Zadie left soon after to crash in her room. Elena was still blissfully absent. Theo and I were slumped low on the couch, our legs woven and feet resting on the coffee table. It was late, well past midnight. He should have gone home, but we were cozy, and I wasn’t quite ready to go to sleep yet.
The movie Gladiator was playing on the TV, the volume barely a whisper. Other than that, the lights were off, so all we had was the glow to push back the dark.
“I like this movie,” I mumbled.
“It’s sad.”
“Yeah. When I was a kid, we had a cat named Maximus. My mom named it after Russell Crowe’s character. He was really cute—the cat, I mean. Russell Crowe isn’t really my type.”
Theo snorted a laugh and picked up my hand from where it’d been resting on his thigh to toy with my fingers. He ran his thumb back and forth along the tips, sending goose bumps blooming on my arms.
“Your mom has a way with names,” he said.
I snatched my hand away, but he took it right back, trapping it between both of his.
“Are you making fun of my name?”
He shook his head. “I used to think it didn’t fit you, but it does. A face that launched a thousand ships. That’s you.”
He meant to be sweet, but I cringed at his Helen of Troy reference. “That’s the Helen my mom named me for, but not because she thought or hoped I’d be some great beauty.” He brought my hand to his mouth, brushing his lips back and forth. “When I was old enough to sort of understand, she told me Helen of Troy was a ruiner of men. She said some people saw her as a victim, but she was really a seductress. Her beauty and wiles had set off a full-blown war. My mom wanted a daughter who’d be like that, to have men so worshipful of her, they would destroy the world to right the wrongs done to her.”
“Shit,” he breathed.
“It was a lot for a kid to hear and take in, and she kept telling me that as I got older. ‘Make them love you, Helen, and they’ll do anything you want them to.’ I don’t want to launch a thousand ships. I don’t want to cause a war, and I sure as shit don’t want a man fighting for me or over me.”
“You had me until the last part. If you ever decide to give yourself to a man, he’d better be willing to fight for you and over you. Only way he’d be worthy of having you as his woman.”
I huffed. “Okay, whatever. I won’t hold my breath.”
He rubbed his mouth back and forth on my hand, then he brought it to his forehead. His silence told me he was thinking. His sigh said it was about something heavy.
“I speak from experience, Helen. I didn’t fight for Abby. That’s how I knew it was really over. Two years together, she dumps me, and I let it lie. I didn’t have the urge to chase her down and fight. I knew, and I accepted it.”
Since he was being open and I was curious, I asked. “Why’d she break up with you?”
He lifted a shoulder. “She said it was wrestling. It took too much of me from her, and that was true. The training was grueling. But she knew that’s who I was. She signed up for it, and she liked being the girlfriend of a champion. So, I don’t know. It might’ve been that the more she was looking for wasn’t my time, but me. I wasn’t giving her all of me.”
“Why not?” I tried not to move, so I didn’t draw his attention and end his sharing.
He sighed, and it was so heavy, it weighed down the air in the room.
“I know you think I was born into this life, but I wasn’t. I grew up in government housing where you did not go out at night unless you were wearing gang colors and prepared to defend yourself. I lived there with my pops until Andrew Whitlock swooped in and brought me here so he could trot me around like a prized pony.”
“Theo…what?” This was…not expected. At all. That was how closed off he was. He’d given me no inkling he hadn’t grown up here, living with his esteemed dad, in a big house, with no worries or cares except making weight for wrestling.
He turned his head, the light from the TV making his eyes practically glow. “It doesn’t matter. I grew up rough, and I had no choice but to be hard. I had to fight to survive that world, and when I got pulled into this one, the fight didn’t end, it just got better dressed, you know?”
I nodded. I knew that intimately. Being in a rich, fancy, private institution didn’t keep out the ugly. The ugly just wore designer clothes and could shoot you down with a flick of their powerful connections instead of a Glock.
“I know,” I whispered.
He moved his foot over mine, rubbing it rhythmically. “Abby fit my new life—pretty, popular, rich, Andrew Whitlock approved—and I did love her. But I didn’t fight for her because I was never going to give her all of me. I don’t even know if I know how, but if I ever figured it out, it never would have been with her.” His foot scooped mine up, pulling it toward him so my leg draped over his. “You should have a man who’ll burn down the world and rebuild it for you, Helen. Nothing less for you. Nothing.”
My heart twitched painfully in its binds. I heard the implications behind his words. He wouldn’t be that man. He wouldn’t burn down the world for me. Not now. Not ever. He thought I should walk away because I deserved more than he would ever give. I heard all that, took it in, and hated it. I hated it, not because I believed I deserved it, but because Theo did, and he knew he wasn’t going to be that for me.
“You should have a woman who’ll make it easy for you to light the match, Theodore.” I took my feet back and tucked them to my side, ending our physical connection.
Theo rounded on me, and in the dim light, his glare was slightly menacing. Not that I was afraid of him. I wasn’t. Except I didn’t know what that glare meant.
A second later, I did. Theo shifted his body, and then mine, so I was flat on my back and he lay half on me, half on the cushions. His head was on my chest, arm firmly wrapped around my middle. I was trapped beneath his weight, but it was the most dangerous type of trap, the kind that felt so good, I didn’t even attempt to escape.
“Don’t pull away from me the second I get real with you,” he groused.
“Maybe I don’t want to get real.” But even as I said it, I stroked his hair, feeling myself sinking into this very real moment.
“Yeah, you do. But you’re like me. Hard because you had to be. I’m telling you right now, you don’t have to be hard with me. When you give me soft Helen, I feel like I’ve uncovered a treasure. I want to huddle around it like Gollum.”
“My precious,” I murmured, fighting a grin.
“Mmhmm.” He lifted his head to peer at me. “This thing between you and me didn’t go where I thought it would.”
“Where’d you think it would go? Did you think we’d be having Bible study?”
His mouth curled at the corners. “Oh, I had no doubt we’d be fucking a lot. I think I thought it’d burn hot and fast and we’d be done with each other.”
“And now?”
“Now, I’m spilling my secrets and inner thoughts after having a pizza and movie night with your little sister and roommate.”
I scratched at his scalp, allowing myself a smug grin. “And snuggling.”
“Yeah.” He cocked his head, leaning into my palm. “What’s up with that? Helen Ortega snuggles?”
I yanked his head down, and he fitted it under my chin, resting his cheek on my breast. I knew better than to bask in this, but I did. People didn’t hug girls like me. They sure as hell didn’t lie with me, fully clothed, and wrap themselves around me. So, I closed my eyes, took in Theo’s heat, his scent, the feel of him, and committed it to memory for when he went away—which he’d just finished telling me he would. It would have been easier to let him walk if I hadn’t known what this felt like, but that ship had sailed. This was all I had.
“I didn’t. You’ve ruined me.”
His hand came up to cup my cheek. “I really fucking hope not. I like you exactly like this.”
I stiffened all over. “Don’t say things like that to me.”
He raised his head again, glowing eyes darting back and forth between mine in the dark. “Do you have any idea how stunningly beautiful you are? I find it hard to believe no one has gotten past your spikes to give you what you deserve.”
My nose tingled, and something deep inside me twisted in knots. “The only men who’ve gotten past did it by force.”
“Tiger,” he breathed. “Fuck.”
I found myself stroking his tight jaw, comforting him from the ugliness of my admission. I hadn’t really meant to say it, but there was something about being in the dark with Theo that had let it slip past my lips far too easily.
“You knew.” My fingers trailed down his throat. “If you grew up the way I did, you can’t be surprised.”
“I had an idea. An idea and the truth are two separate things.” He stilled, looking down at me. “Give me names.”
“No.” I would have never sent him to fight my battles, but why did it feel so good that he might’ve wanted to? “It’s over and done with. The last guy who touched me wrong got the shit beat out of him by my boys and then he died in a car accident last fall. But if you’re wondering why I am the way I am, why I have a bat next to my bed and chase boys out of my shop when they corner me, now you know. No one’s getting past my spikes unless I invite them. Not ever again.”
He stayed like that, watching me, jaw tight, shoulders bunched, for several long moments. I didn’t know what he’d say, or how he’d react, but when he exhaled a ragged breath and lay back down on me, pulling me tight into his body, I was taken by surprise. I guess I half expected him to brush me off and tell me I was too much for a casual fuck buddy.
“I know you can fight your own battles, Tiger. I’ve seen you in all your warrior glory, taking vengeance on my car. What I hope for you, is when you let someone past those spikes, they’re the kind of man who’ll be shoulder to shoulder with you in battle, and when push comes to shove, they’ll step in front of you and take the brunt of it.” I started to protest, but he covered my mouth with his fingertips. “Don’t argue with me, baby. That’s what I want for you. You don’t need to say anything back.”
We quieted then, turning on another movie to fill the dead air. Theo fell asleep like that, and I was close to following when a sudden thought jerked me away from unconsciousness.
I’d spilled my guts yet again, while Theo had only given the smallest piece of himself. Pretty soon, he’d own all of me, and I’d still be right here, empty-handed.
My thoughts were still coalescing when the door swung open and Elena stumbled into the room, followed by a tall, lanky guy draped all over her. She flicked the light on, momentarily blinding me. Theo didn’t even stir.
“Oh no, my roommate is here with her little bubble-butt boyfriend,” Elena slurred, knocking her head back on her man’s chest. My horrified gaze jerked to his face, and when I recognized him, my stomach churned.
“Theo?” Daniel hissed. “He’s with her?”
“Mmhmm,” Elena confirmed. “Those two have been boning like bunnies for weeks. It’s so disgusting.”
“Turn off the light,” I barked.
“Get a room, bitch,” Elena responded. “And stop faking it so loud. Some of us don’t want to hear your fake ‘I’m coming’ cry.” Then she flipped off the light and dragged dirty Daniel to her room, shutting the door tight behind them.
That didn’t stop me from hearing her fake moans a few minutes later. Fortunately, after years of living in a tiny space with paper-thin walls with a mother who went looking for love in all the wrong places, I’d become adept at tuning out sounds I really didn’t want to hear.
I should have woken Theo up and sent him home, especially with Luc sleeping in my bed. But I really didn’t want to. Not with how good it felt to be held by him and how sweet the rise and fall of his chest was against mine. So, I let him stay, and I did what I’d been doing with him all along:
I fell.
