HE’D STAGGERED ME, both literally and figuratively. The way he’d looked at me. The cold that had rolled off him the second I’d climbed into his passenger seat. He’d never once looked at me that way. Not even when I was beating the shit out of his car.
I had to hold on to the rail in the elevator and then support myself on the wall in order to make it to my suite without collapsing to my knees. They were so weak, they would have shattered if I had.
It was late. So late. I’d wished, I’d hope for, I’d needed the living room to be empty. But like everything in my life, I didn’t get what I wanted.
Zadie and Elena both jerked their heads toward the door when I flung myself inside. They were side by side on one couch, a bowl of popcorn between them, something playing on TV. But they were watching me now, eyes wide and attentive.
I touched my chest, which I swore had caved in, but there it was. Solid and whole.
“I can’t do this,” I rasped. “How do I keep doing this?”
It was a question that couldn’t be answered. Besides that, they had no idea what I was talking about.
“Helen, are you okay?” Zadie rose from the couch as I trudged past into my bedroom. “Helen?” She followed me, hovering over me as I collapsed onto my side on my bed and curled into a ball.
A hand on my shoulder, another in my hair. Soft, so soft. I wasn’t crying, but the tenderness of those touches sent me as close to tears as I’d been since I lost my Mads.
A weight depressed the bed in front of me. Another behind me. I opened my eyes to find Zadie in front of me, which meant the gentle strokes on my hair were coming from Elena. That alone would have sent me off the deep end if I wasn’t already there.
“Honey, what happened? Are you hurt?” Zadie asked in her sweet Zadie voice.
Elena brushed my hair from my face, peering over my shoulder to look at me. “Do I need to call Penelope? Do you need her?”
“I don’t know.” I scrubbed at my cheeks and forehead, but there was no removing the cloying film of shame that coated me. “I don’t know how to keep going when there’s so much hurt, you know? I thought…I thought I could have one good thing after so much bad, but not me.”
“You can have every good thing, honey,” Zadie promised.
Elena rubbed up and down my arm. “Tell me who I have to bitch slap.”
“I’m filth.” I threw my hands out blindly. “I’m at this beautiful school, in this lovely room, but I’m still filth. I don’t know what Mads was thinking sending me here. Sometimes I hate her for doing it.”
I hated myself for saying that out loud. How could I hate Madeline when she’d given me the world? But I did. Because she wasn’t here and I was. She’d shown me more, made me want to strive for it, even though sometimes it was so hard, all I wanted to do was curl into a ball until I faded away.
Elena’s hand paused. “Who’s Mads? What did she do? Is she your girlfriend? I don’t mind cutting a bitch if I need to.”
I almost laughed, but I was too far past humor. I was…I was sad. So fucking sad. I had been for a long time. I just never admitted it, not even to myself. I didn’t have time to be sad. I had a job, a sister, a loan, gangsters, strip clubs, school, studying, a boy…
“Madeline. I took care of her last year while she was dying.” Something ripped inside me. Netting that had been holding back a flood. Tears, two by two, marched down my cheeks like good little soldiers. “She passed away in May. I had ten months with her, and we spent every moment together. She was only thirty years old, but she’d been dying her whole life. And I miss her. I miss her so deeply, I don’t like to think about her, because when I do, I sink, and I don’t know how to swim back up. But I can’t help thinking about her because she gave me everything.”
Elena settled behind me, wrapping her arm around my middle. Zadie followed suit, lying in front of me, holding my hands in hers.
“You’re not filth, Helen. I live with you, so I should know. You’re so kind.” Zadie squeezed my hands. “Madeline sounds like she was very important to you.”
“She was. She is,” I rasped. “Mads left me money to go to school, but I had to come here, to Savage U. I don’t fit here. I don’t know what she was thinking, I just—”
“You fit.” Elena rested her chin on my shoulder. “If any of the bitches here try to tell you otherwise, it’s because they’re jealous.”
I let out something between a sob and a scoff. “No one’s jealous. I’m a filthy stripper from a trailer park.”
“No.” Zadie cupped my cheeks. “You’re Helen.”
Nodding, I tucked my chin into my chest and let myself feel the stabbing in my gut. It wasn’t all Mads. This was for Theo too. He’d seen me as Helen, but now, he saw me as nothing more than a desperate body. And I was that, I couldn’t deny it. I hadn’t been born with much, except I had this shell that appealed to men, so I used it. I used it and hoped Theo would never find out because I knew a boy like him would never be with a girl like me. Not if he had all the information.
I’d be angry at Theo later. For now, I was staggered. The way he’d looked at me from the shadows of his car…
“What happened tonight?” Elena asked.
Another sobbed ripped through me, so deep and gut wrenching, it nearly rendered me in two. It wasn’t for Theo. He hadn’t torn me apart. But his blow was the last in a line of vicious pummels that just kept coming. Worse, because when he punched, I hadn’t been prepared, so it hurt on a deeper level than all the others.
“Theo. He found out.”
Elena pushed herself up behind me and peered down at me. “He found out what? That you stripped?”
I nodded. “He couldn’t even look at me.”
“Are you telling me you’re crying over a boy?” She sounded incredulous, like the very idea was preposterous.
“I’m crying over everything. Not just him.” But the tears were already turning to salt on my cheeks.
“Wow, okay.” Elena leaned down so her face was inches from mine. “Here’s the first rule of bad bitches: we don’t cry over unworthy boys. Theo is hot, I’ll give you that. But worthy of tears? No, bitch. Not even close.”
“He’s too good for me,” I whispered, the words burning in my throat like acid.
Zadie gasped. “He’s not. You’re too good for a guy who would leave you in this state.”
Elena’s clear blue eyes turned to fire. “Are you kidding me? Did you literally just say that?”
“Elena,” Zadie admonished. “Be nice to her.”
Elena stared down at me, fury pinching her pale brows. “Theo is a pussy-whipped little boy. His ex told me all about him. His dad controls him, and he lets it happen. He seems like a nice guy, but that’s only to get what he wants. If you think that kind of dick is better than you, then you’re not the girl I thought you were back in high school when you intimidated the hell out of every soft boy you passed in the halls.”
“She’s sad, El. Let her be sad,” Zadie said.
“I’m letting her be sad over her dead friend. I refuse to allow her to cry over Theo fucking Whitlock. He’s hot, but he’s proven himself unworthy. Helen is a warrior. Theo is bullshit.”
They bickered back and forth while I sank into my heartache. I knew it wasn’t for Theo. Well, not just for him. These tears belonged to Mads and stress and the cruelty that was life. The fight in me ran deep, but some days, it was too much, even for me.
“Let me be sad tonight. When I wake up, I’ll be over him.” I swiped at the mostly dried tears on my cheeks. “Just give me tonight.”
Elena lay back down behind me and curled around me. It was all kinds of disconcerting, but Penelope had told me more than once there was a different side of her cousin she rarely showed other people. I had a feeling this was the side Pen had been talking about.
“Fine. Tonight is yours to wallow. Even bad bitches deserve to pity themselves for a few hours.” Her fingers combed through the back of my hair. “But if I catch you crying over this kid again, I will sneak into your room while you’re sleeping and chop off all your pretty hair.”
Zadie’s hands flew to her mouth. “Elena! You can’t say that.”
“I can and I did. Helen knows me well enough not to test me.” She kept finger-combing my hair even as she threatened to chop it all off. “Do you have any idea how much I could get for pristine hair like this if I sold it?”
“Oh my god,” Zadie mumbled.
A bubble of laughter swelled into the aching places in my chest, pushing the hurt aside so it could fall from my lips. I barked a loud laugh, and then smaller ones, until my shoulders were shaking and Zadie let out a tentative giggle.
“You’re not selling my hair, Sanderson,” I said between laughs.
Elena gave it a light tug. “Try me, Ortega.”
Lying there between my two roommates, I still hurt, but I didn’t feel like I was seconds from walking into the ocean with stones in my pockets. This sad girl wasn’t me. I’d never get over losing Mads, but Theo was a different story. By tomorrow, I’d forget he ever existed.
Forgetting someone existed wasn’t as easy as it sounded. Staring at the back of Theo’s stupid head for an hour on Monday during class hammered that point home. He was still alive and breathing the same air as me. Whether he deserved that privilege was debatable.
Lock tipped his chin toward me. “Are you okay?”
I jerked from where I’d been hunched over my notebook, digging my pen into the paper. “I’m…fine. But do you think you could walk with me today?”
His nostrils flared as his eyes traveled toward Theo, then back to me. “No problem.”
At the end of class, I took my time gathering my things, giving Theo a chance to be long gone by the time I headed for the door. Except, as Lock and I walked down the steps, Theo was talking with Davis, and it was impossible not to overhear what he was saying.
“I’m sorry, Mr. Whitlock. You asked me to put you into that group. Unless you have a valid reason to be removed, you’re not moving.”
Theo hitched his bag higher on his shoulder. “I work better on my own.”
I felt Lock tense beside me, then he cupped my nape, steering me around Theo and Davis toward the door. Their voices followed us.
“Except this is a group project,” Davis replied. “Is there something you need to tell me about your chosen group?”
A short pause. My ears perked up, even as Lock steered me away. “No. Nothing to tell you,” Theo gritted out.
Lock practically shoved me out the door and down the hall until we were outside. He kept me walking, even though I would have liked to turn around and explain to Theo how little I was going to enjoy working with him too. But I wasn’t a little pussy, running to the teacher just because my feelings were hurt.
“Don’t let him see it,” Lock grumbled.
“I’m not. He’s the biggest asshole I’ve ever met—and that says a lot.”
Lock kept hold of me, ensuring I couldn’t turn around and let my anger loose, which was a good thing, even though I really wanted to rebel against it. He walked me all the way to my dorm, stopped me at the base of the stairs, and gave me a long once-over. His scrutinizing gaze made me squirm, but I stayed still, allowing him to check me out, to see what he needed to see. I didn’t know what that was, but after a solid minute, he seemed satisfied.
He nodded once. “You’ll be all right.”
Then he dropped his hand, swiveled on his heel, and lumbered off in the direction from which we came.
And for some reason, when he said it like that, decisively and like it was fact, I believed him. I would be all right.
Lock beat me to our group work session on Friday, which was relieving. He kicked the chair beside him out from under the table, and I took a seat. I’d been dreading this all week. Three classes worth of boring holes in the back of Theo’s head had taken a lot out of me.
“I’ll handle him,” he said.
“Okay.”
His head cocked. I met his gaze. He did the same assessing sweep he’d been doing all week, and I stayed still so he could. I was tired, slightly melancholy, but other than that, I was fine, and he must have seen that, since he nodded and let it go without saying a word.
We both set up our computers and the research and work we’d done for our project, and then discussed what we’d completed, all while waiting for Theo to show. He was fifteen minutes late by the time he pushed through the door and tossed his bag on the table. I kept my gaze trained on my computer, but from the corner of my eye, I saw Lock staring him down.
Theo took a seat across from Lock, set up his computer, and pulled out a notebook, all without offering an explanation or apology for his tardiness. When he had it all set up, he released a heavy breath.
“Do you have the historical comparison prepared?” Lock asked.
“Uh…” Theo shifted, “no. I haven’t had the chance to get to it.”
Lock’s head dipped, and his eyes met mine for a fleeting moment. “Okay. Have you started?”
“Not yet,” Theo admitted. “My nights have been freed up, though, so I’ll have the time this weekend to pound it out.”
The truth behind those words made me flinch, even though giving Theo a reaction was the last thing I wanted to do. His absence at the end of my nights had been the worst part of this week. Knowing he’d been waiting for me with a smile and a kiss at the end of my shift had made it so much more bearable. Now that I’d lost that, I wished I’d never had it in the first place.
“What were you doing?” Lock asked without intonation.
“What?” Theo came up short with an answer.
“I’m asking what you were doing instead of working on our group project. If your nights have been free, then you had extra time to do your part. You didn’t, so I want to know what you were doing instead.” Lock kept his voice level, but there was no missing what he was saying and exactly how he felt about it. I happily stayed silent behind my computer screen, allowing Theo to dig his own grave.
“I’ll have it ready the next time we meet.” Theo’s jaw twitched.
Lock clasped his hands on the table and leaned forward. “We all know you asked Davis to leave this group, which is fair. Helen and I would have done fine without you, since you’ve barely pulled your weight from the beginning. I let it go then, but I’m less inclined now.”
“I said I have it handled,” Theo gritted out.
“You didn’t answer my question,” Lock said lowly.
“I didn’t. Because it isn’t your business.”
He leaned farther across the table, his massive shoulders bunching into boulders. “It is if it affects me. You not doing your part on our group project certainly affects me. Helen and I both work full-time hours along with going to school, but we were here today, on time and prepared. As far as I can tell, you’re jobless and living off your dad’s dime. You don’t have wrestling or a girlfriend to use as an excuse for not getting shit done. So, from where I’m sitting, you spent all week holding your dick instead of doing what you were supposed to be doing.”
I chanced a glance from my screen to find Theo’s glare trained on me, filled with accusation. “Are you fucking him now?”
I didn’t know that I would have answered that ludicrous and insulting question, but I never had the chance. Lock slammed his palms on the table with a resounding bang.
“You can leave, Whitlock. You show up to a group session like this again, I’ll report you to Davis. And I will have valid reasons not to want you in this group.” Lock’s tone was low and unmistakably serious. He brooked no argument because he was so right. Theo was behaving like a tool, and with all the work Lock and I were putting into this project, he didn’t deserve a free ride from us.
Theo took in a long breath, then his gaze skimmed from me to Lock. “I was out of line. I apologize for being late, unprepared, and bringing personal issues into the group. It won’t happen again.”
Lock stared him down. There was nothing teddy bear about him then. He was unyielding in his demeanor. Quite honestly, if I were on his bad side, I’d be shitting my pants. But Theo managed to hold eye contact until they both nodded, like something was settled.
Lock patted my arm. “Do you want to continue with what you were telling me about the plague and quarantine?”
“Yeah.” I slid my eyes to Theo, who was watching me carefully. “I don’t know if you remember I researched—”
“I remember,” he cut me off, but he did it gently, and I hated it. Especially because he’d accused me of fucking Lock only a couple minutes ago.
“Great. Then I won’t have to backtrack for you.” There was nothing gentle about the way I addressed him. I’d given him my soft, and he’d trampled all over it. He could take my spikes and fuck himself with them.
We stayed in that room for another hour. The tension had eased minute by minute, but it was still thick by the time we were packing up. My stomach ached from it, and my chest throbbed from the stabbing sensation being in proximity to Theo caused. But it was good. I’d remember this feeling the next time a handsome guy with twinkly eyes tried to get too close. It wouldn’t happen again.
The three of us left the library at the same time. I gave Lock a punch on his tree trunk arm. “Have a good weekend, dude.”
He tapped my shoulder with his huge fist. “Be good, Hells.”
“I always am.”
We split off, Lock heading toward the campus maintenance building, me in the direction of my dorm. It took me a second to determine I was not alone.
“Do you and Luc need a ride tomorrow? With your groceries?”
I stopped walking and stared at Theo Whitlock, my mouth hanging open. Because what the fuck?
“You’re kidding me.”
He crossed his arms over his chest. “No. I’m not.”
“You are kidding me. There’s no way that’s a real question.”
“I’m completely real.”
I shook my head. “What if someone saw me with you, Theo? They might tell your dad you’re riding around with a stripper.” I spread my arms out at my sides and started to walk backward. “No thank you. If I need a ride, I’ll ask one of the many, many men I’m currently spreading my legs for, because apparently that’s what I’m doing.”
“What do you expect from me, Helen? You lied to me. That makes me wonder what else you’ve been lying about. But Luciana shouldn’t be riding her skateboard on the side of the road, loaded down with groceries. I’d like to give you both a ride to keep—”
“Shut up, Theo. I don’t want to hear what you’d like. You said enough to me Sunday night. I heard you. You and I never started, but we’re really through now. That includes my sister. I don’t care what you’d like. It doesn’t mean anything to me.”
His jaw worked, and I wondered how much vitriol he was biting back. “Don’t you think you owe me an explanation?”
My stomach was on fire, and his question was kerosene to my flames. I walked up to him, clutching my middle.
“No, I don’t. Besides, you never asked for one.”
He bowed his head. “I’m asking for one now.”
He was too close. Too soft. The fury that had been wrapped around him and pounding into me in his car had melted away. He was almost my Theo, except my Theo wasn’t real. He never would have accused me of fucking Lock or told me I wasn’t good enough for him. This man in front of me was a stranger, and I’d learned a long time ago to never talk to strangers.
“I’ve been explaining to you since we met. You took and took my story, my history, my life. You know things about me only my closest friends do. I’m sorry I never sat you down and laid out for you that I’ve stripped four times when I came up short on my mom’s loan repayment and it was either do that or hope to god the gangster she owed money to wouldn’t really burn down our trailer with my sister inside.”
His inhale was harsh. “Why didn’t you say that?”
I lifted a shoulder. “What’s the point? You made up your mind about me. I’m not going to beg you to see me as a human when one decision—that I would make again if I had to—turned me into nothing but trash in your eyes.”
“You’re not trash. I don’t think that, and I didn’t say it. I was pissed and betrayed—”
“Nope.” My arms went tighter around me. “You weren’t betrayed. You were embarrassed, and your overinflated male ego took a hit. I didn’t betray you, Theo, and I’m not going to let you lay that on me. You can keep saying it for a thousand years, and I will never take it on.”
His jaw worked, and again, I wondered what he was biting back. “We’re never going to agree on that.”
I jutted my chin out. “We don’t need to agree. This is over.”
He stared at me. A lot of his bitterness had fallen away, leaving behind an expression I didn’t know, but recognized all the same: longing.
I felt it. God, did I feel it. I longed for us to go back to the night he’d spent sleeping with his head in my chest, covering me with his body, holding me tight. I also wished we’d never had that night so I didn’t know what I’d lost a day later.
“It never started, isn’t that right?” He rocked back on his heels, still staring at me the same way.
“That’s right. Can’t break a thing that never existed.”
Now, we were both liars. And in the broad light of day, there was no hiding it. But Theo and I, we’d perfected our facades so well, we could look in each other’s eyes and lie without flinching. I was scraped raw on the inside, but I’d never show him that.
“I gotta go.” I saluted him and started backing away. “Do your work, Theo. I won’t stop Lock from kicking your ass if you don’t.”
He said something, but I was already gone. I walked faster than I should have, but I couldn’t try to play it cool another second longer. Boys didn’t hurt me like this. I’d never let them. I’d been stupid to allow Theo inside the cracks losing Mads had left behind.
I’d learned, though, and I’d learned well.
