Spin The Bottle: A college romance: Chapter 39

The smell of alcohol and sweat overwhelm my senses as I make my way to the makeshift bar, pouring myself another drink. The burn of the alcohol burns my throat and I let out a deep breath, closing my eyes and trying to shake off the memories that have been haunting every part of me for days.

Why is it so hard to forget? I don’t want to sit here and think about everything that went wrong, I don’t want to remember the sweet words he said, his hands on my body, his lips on my skin when it was all a lie.

My eyes catch on a couple dancing together, her arms wrapped around his neck as she smiles sweetly up at him. I swallow down my own jealousy and stupidity for thinking I could ever have that.

I turn back around, downing the rest of the drink, wanting, craving the burn, hoping the numbness will make the pain fade, make me forget even if it’s just for a little while. I haven’t had a drink in so long, since quitting for Aiden, and even though my stomach cramps, feeling guilty for breaking that promise to him, he broke an even bigger one.

My body tenses when a hand lands on my shoulder, jolting me out of my thoughts. I look behind my shoulder at Gabi standing behind me. My stomach drops when her eyes look at me with the one thing I hate the most. Pity. It’s etched on her face as she shoots me a sad smile. “Are you okay?”

I close my eyes, letting out a hard sigh. “I’m fine.” I can hear the lie in my own voice; I can hear how rough the words are coming out of my mouth. Her hand tightens on my shoulder and I look back at her. She doesn’t look convinced, glancing at Madi who’s frowning at me.

“I thought you quit drinking,” she says.

I shrug, throwing the empty cup in the trash. “Guess not.”

“Are you sure you don’t want to just go home and talk?”

I hate talking. What is there to talk about? How I was stupid and let myself fall for another guy who was just using me for his personal gain, for fun, for… whatever he was using me for? “There’s nothing to talk about.”

“It’s been four days, Leila,” Madi says. “You need to wallow.”

My heart beats even faster at her words. “Four days since what?”

“Leila.”

“I need another drink.” I grab another drink and tip the cup back. I walk away from them, hoping they just let me go and don’t hound me about whatever it is I’m doing. I don’t even know the answer to that myself. I don’t want to think. I don’t want to feel.

I push past the crowd, the music getting louder the closer I get. But when I look up, I don’t hear anything. I don’t see anything but the person in front of me. My heart starts to race when I look at the black cap on his head, the white t-shirt clung to his tall and hard body. I know how it feels under my fingers, I know how it presses against my skin when he’s inside me.

I don’t even notice the girl next to him at first, but when I do, I shatter, dropping the drink onto the floor, everyone around me jumping out of the way, the murmurs and conversation coming to a halt as they turn around and look at me, including Aiden. But when he turns around… it isn’t Aiden. It’s just a random guy.

My eyes squeeze shut, turning back around. Fuck, I need some air.

I head outside, push the back door open, sit down on the steps. What is happening to me? When Jake dumped me, I didn’t feel this way. I cried for a few days but I didn’t grieve what I thought I lost with Jake, I was just pissed about what he had done and how he exposed my texts.

This is completely different. It hurts. I can feel my heart shattering thinking about what I lost.

I miss him.

I hate him and I love him. And I miss him.

“Leila.” My head snaps behind me, seeing Rosie standing at the door, looking down at me. She frowns, her brows tugged together as she shakes her head. “Let’s go home, we can talk about this.”

“I don’t want to talk, Rosie.”

She closes the door, sitting beside me. “You’re allowed to be sad, you know?” She pulls her dress down over her bare legs. “I was a mess last year, and you helped me.”

I scoff. “I dragged you out of bed.” I would hardly say I helped her. I just needed my best friend back. Her smiles and bubbly personality were gone when she was heartbroken over Grayson and I couldn’t let her rot away in that bed.

“And it helped.” She leans in, resting her head against my shoulder. “We work differently. I wanted to cry, and you want to move on and forget.” My throat constricts. “But you still need to grieve the relationship you lost,” she tells me, wrapping her arm around mine. “You can talk to me and I’ll listen.” When she lifts her head and looks at me, her eyes swimming with guilt and a little sadness. “Talk to me,” she pleads.

I can’t. I can’t even think about it without wanting to break down, and I’m not going to let that happen. The sigh that leaves Rosie when I stand up riddles my stomach with guilt, but I don’t give her any time to say anything before walking back into the party and grabbing another drink out of the ice bucket lying around.

One way or another, I’m going to forget.

“Fuck.” My head pounds when my eyes open, squinting against the bright light that spills into the room. Damn those giant windows. My head feels like it’s being hammered from the inside, a wave of nausea washing over me when I try to sit up.

I groan again, clutching my head, hoping it eases the throbbing pain. What was I thinking? How did I let myself get so drunk?

I turn my head, the pounding in my head a constant reminder of my mistakes, of the pain that I was so desperately trying to erase last night. I hear a soft groan from beside me and look down at Rosie lying haphazardly over the edge of the bed, her head buried into the pillow.

My heart squeezes when I turn, seeing Madi lying on the sofa, her dress from last night wrinkled around her body as she sleeps. Gabi’s laying on the floor, using a cushion as a pillow.

Tears threaten to spill as I look around at my friends here with me. I haven’t slept alone in so long. It was the best feeling, waking up beside him, our bodies together as we slept. He would kiss my forehead, pull me closer to him, and I would wrap my arms around his waist and bury my head in his chest.

But now all I get when I wake up is a reminder that none of it was real. That it was all a farce.

I swing my legs over the edge of the bed, careful not to startle any of them as I head to the kitchen. Grabbing a glass from the cabinet, I fill it up with water. I barely finish drinking before my bedroom door swings open and out comes the girls. Gabi groans holding onto the wall as she stumbles out. “Shit,” she curses when she nearly trips over her feet. “I don’t think I can stand.”

Madi grabs onto her hands, catching her from falling over. “I thought you could handle your alcohol. How much did you drink?” She groans when Gabi nearly topples both of them over.

Gabi falls to the floor with an oomph, dropping her head back against the wall. “I lost count after the tenth shot.”

Madi shakes her head. “Come on. You need to shower.”

She groans. “Just let me die right here.”

“So dramatic,” Madi mutters, leaning down to wrap her arm around Gabriella, lifting her off the floor. She glances back at me. “I should get her in bed before she throws up on me. Are you going to be okay?”

I can see the disbelief in her eyes when she shakes her head, walking over to the door, Gabi holding onto her like a lifeline. She reaches the door, holds onto the handle and turns back to me. She swallows. “If you need anything. Anything at all. Call me.”

I nod.

“And me,” Gabriella buts in.

Madi snickers when Gabi nearly trips again. “You can barely take care of yourself right now. Come on.” They both leave, closing the door behind them.

Rosie comes out of the room, phone in her hand. When she looks up at me, her brows are knitted together, her lips pursed as if she wants to say something but she’s holding back.

I sigh. “Go, Rosie.”

“It’s just Grayson. He was worried because I didn’t tell him I’d be staying over.”

I look up at her, smiling at her, trying to make her see that I’m okay. Even if it’s not true, I will be, eventually. “Rosie, I’m okay, you can go.”

She smiles, walks over to me, and presses her lips to my cheek. “I’ll be right back, I promise.”

She heads out, closing the door and the silence takes over. My eyes land on the camera on the table, my Polaroids next to it. I know I shouldn’t do it, but it doesn’t stop me from grabbing them and finding the exact one I look at every day. When I find it, I debate ripping it up and forgetting all about him, but that won’t work.

Ripping a picture won’t rip him out of my heart. He’ll always be there, lingering, a heavy weight on my chest from all the memories I had with him that I thought were genuine. My finger traces his smile in the picture and I stiffen, wondering if this too was a lie. Was every smile and laugh and kiss just a means to an end to him?

My phone buzzes on my lap and I stiffen, afraid that Aiden is texting me again.

He hasn’t stopped. Ever since I told him it was over, he’s been calling, texting. But I can’t find the strength to block him. No matter how much he hurt me, his texts are a little reminder of how it used to be, of everything we went through and every word that left his lips.

Sometimes, I scroll, reading the good morning texts he would send me, the goodnight texts and late-night calls we used to have.

I clutch my phone, forcing myself to look at it. The hope I was holding onto disappears when I realize it’s not Aiden. It’s my dad.

I take a deep breath, trying to settle my nerves before I pick up the phone. “Hey, Papi.”

“Leila.” His voice settles me a little, making me miss him. “You sound different.”

I squeeze my eyes shut, keeping the tears back. “No, Dad,” I attempt to keep my voice normal. “I’m fine.”

He laughs quietly. “You’re always so strong,” he says. “Eres una tigresa.”

I clutch the necklace with the paw print that Aiden got me hanging around my neck, my fingers running over the indents of the paws. My lip wobbles as his words roll through me. I’m a fake. I’m not strong at all. “Yep.” My voice breaks and it’s too late. Tears spill over as a sob catches in my throat.

“Mija.” I shake my head, his gentle tone making me cry even harder. “What happened?” I can’t find the words, the line fills with my quiet sobs as I try to restrain them.

“Dad, please. Can we not talk about it?”

He grunts, I can almost picture him shaking his head in disapproval. “What happened?” he asks again.

I shrug even though he can’t see me, holding onto the necklace as if it’s life support. “There was… this guy.” I close my eyes at the use of past tense. “We broke up.”

“Broke up?” My mother’s voice makes me stiffen, my tears freezing as anger rolls through my body. “You told me you didn’t have a boyfriend.”

“You were listening?”

She scoffs. “You talk to your father but not me? Pass me the phone,” she says to my dad. I press my fingers against my temples. God, I don’t want to talk to her.

“I didn’t lie,” I tell her. “He wasn’t my boyfriend at the time, ma. Just a friend.”

“And now?” she asks. “He broke up with you?”

“Yes.”

I let out a bitter laugh, more tears spilling out. I can’t believe this. Actually, that’s a lie. Of course, she is saying this. Of course, she’s telling me the reason I got my heart broken is that my body isn’t good enough.

I wipe my tears with my hand, tasting the saltiness coating my lip. “I’ve got to go.”

“Leila, escúchame.”

Listen to her? If she thinks I’m going to sit here and listen to her insult me, she’s dead wrong. I hang up the phone and throw it on the couch.

I don’t even realize what I’m doing until the cabinet is wide open, and I have every single snack Aiden bought for me in my hands. I rip open one packet, drop some of the multi-colored candy into my hand, and shove it into my mouth. The sweet taste covers my tongue, invading my senses until I can focus on nothing but this.

Alarms ring in my head. I know I’m eating too much. I know what I’m doing. I can’t even taste the food anymore, my stomach cramping as I keep eating. But I can’t stop, this food is my only comfort, my only solace.

My stomach cramps when I swallow the first bite, the memory of doing this so long ago coming back to me. The urge has the best of me as I turn the package in my hands, scanning the back, but when I see what’s on the back, my heart stops.

I can’t see how many calories I’ve just stuffed in my mouth because in place of the nutritional value is a white piece of paper stuck to it.

Food is energy. Eat what you want.

The plastic shakes in my hands as I stare at his messy handwriting. When did he do this? Why? If it was all a lie, why would he do something like this?

I grab another snack, turn it over, and see another white piece of paper covering the back.

You’re so beautiful. My heart skips a beat every time I see you.

I let my eyes drift closed, another tear falling down my cheek. I flip over another one.

These should be illegal. But if you enjoy them, eat away.

I almost laugh, almost smile at the thought, but then I remember everything that happened between us, and I push the packet away from me, staring at the words that mean so much but are all lies.

Keys jingle in the door and I freeze, my mouth drops open at the sight of Rosie walking in.

Shit.

“Hey,” she says, walking through the door. “I went home and told Grayson I was coming bac—” She turns around, her words getting stuck in her throat and her eyes widen when she spots me.

I collapse onto the floor, the empty wrappers trailing down, littering everywhere around me. I bury my face in my hands, feeling my heart race at the realization of what I’ve done.

Fuck. What did I do?

A sob explodes out of me, tears falling onto my hands as I press my head into them.

“Leila.” Rosie’s voice breaks and she falls to her knees beside me, wrapping her arms around me.

I shake my head, pulling back and looking at her. “It happened again,” I cry out. “I got played again. How did I let it happen again?”

“I’m so sorry.” Her eyes fill with tears, my own watching her blurry face frown, crying along with me. “I’m so sorry, Leila.”

I bury my head back in my hands, wishing I could go back and do everything again. I wouldn’t give in this time. I would never have known what it was like to have his hands all over me, whispering words of affection. I wouldn’t have been heartbroken.

“I loved him,” I admit.

Her hand freezes on my shoulder and she sniffs. “I know.”

I pull back, wiping the tears. “I thought it was real. I thought I meant something to him.” She sighs, pressing her lips together, wiping her eyes, and looking away from me. “What is it?”

She glances back at me, biting her lip. “I talked to him.”

A frown fills my face. “You did?”

She shrugs. “I don’t think he meant to hurt you.”

I glance at her, feeling betrayed. “You’re joking.”

“Don’t get mad,” she pleads, placing her hands on mine. “I live with him, Leila. I had to talk to him about what he did and… I don’t think he did it on purpose.”

I sigh, wanting to bite the bullet and ask her how he’s doing, but I shake my head instead. “I heard what Jordan said, Rosie. The asshole waited until I left class and pulled me aside and told me everything. How he told Aiden to kiss me at that party, he told him to get my number, to sleep with me, all to get back at me for rejecting Jordan. How could that be an accident?”

She lays her head on my shoulder. “Why would Jordan be honest? Didn’t he lie to Aiden about texting you?”

I pull my bottom lip between my teeth, shrugging. “That could have been another lie.” But as I say the words, I don’t know if they’re true. “Aiden could have been in on it.”

“I don’t think so,” Rosie says. “The guy is miserable.” She lifts her head off my shoulder, glancing at me. “He hasn’t left his room. He hasn’t worked out, hasn’t eaten, hasn’t talked to Grayson.” A frown paints her lips. “He’s just as heartbroken as you.”

I shake my head, squeezing my eyes shut. “None of it was real.”

Rosie sighs, laying her head back on my shoulder, not saying another word. She looks around the floor at the empty packets laying by our feet. “You did it again,” she whispers, quietly. “You promised me you wouldn’t do it again.”

I shut my eyes, tears filling my eyes. The reminder of Rosie catching me binging in high school a painful image. I spent so long trying to fix my issues and in a couple of weeks, I’ve ruined all progress. “I’m sorry.”

“You haven’t left my side, Rosie. There’s nothing more you could have done.”

She lifts her pinky at me and I let out a breath, knowing what she’s going to say. “Never again.”

I nod, wrapping our pinkies together. “Never again.”

“You come and talk to me, or Gabi or Madi.” She frowns. “We love you, Leila. We’ll do anything for you.”

I nod, attempting a smile at my best friend. I know she’s there for me, and I know what I did was a mistake, but I didn’t even think about it. It was almost instinct. My stomach screams at me, pain racking through my body. I look around at all the wrappers on the floor. I didn’t even realize I ate this much.

When I wince, she looks down at my hand pressing against my stomach and lifts off the floor holding her hand out, beckoning me to take it. “Let’s go,” she says. “We’re going for a walk. Get your shoes.”

I groan. “I don’t want to leave.”

She shrugs. “Remember when you ripped my curtains open and forced me to get out of bed?” she says, eyes glimmering as she smirks. “This is revenge, baby.”

I roll my eyes, picking myself off the floor. “Grayson’s a bad influence.”

“Yeah,” she says, smiling. “But I like it.”