Aiden
I don’t know what I’m doing here.
I’m not even sure if I’m still part of the team or if I’m going to lose my place here, so the gym is the last place I should be.
I should be getting my spot back on the team, I should be finding a way to get Jordan to drop this whole thing, but instead, I’ve spent the last week buried in bed with nothing but my thoughts to keep me company. Just the reminder that I royally fucked up. I was winning. I had the best thing in my life right there in my arms, and I fucked it all up.
I’ve always liked working out, exerting all my energy into what I’m doing, and if it means I’ll focus on something else for a while, it’s worth a try. When I get on the treadmill and the speed picks up, my legs feel the pain of laying in bed all week and I let out a curse, blowing out a breath. Fucking hate running.
It’s not working.
I can’t think of anything but her.
I miss her so much. I took the time we had for granted. I thought this was just the beginning, that I’d have forever to be with her, and hold her and kiss her, but I was so wrong. And now I’ve lost her.
I lift my head, shaking all thoughts out of my head. Fuck, heartbreaks suck. When I look up my heart stops and I tear my headphones off when I see a familiar brown ponytail swinging in front of me.
Fuck.
Leila.
I turn down the speed as I look at her. I haven’t seen her since she was outside my doorstep, crying over how I broke her heart.
My eyes trace down her body. A body I once had my hands all over, kissing her, telling her how beautiful she was to me. I hate that she thinks everything between us was a lie. It was nothing but the truth. Being with her was the easiest thing in the world.
She looks so good. Her long brown hair is tied up, allowing me to see every inch of her face. A face I once held onto and kissed with so much love. My eyes trace her lips, remembering how sweet she tastes, how good her kisses felt. And when she turns her head and those beautiful green eyes lock on mine, my heart races out of my chest.
Fuck, I miss her.
And I love her.
But I’ve lost her.
I see it in the way her lips part and her eyes widen with shock, only for a second before her features contort with hurt. I know at that moment that she’s done with me. And when she stops the machine, twisting her head and grabs her bags off the floor like she can’t run away any faster, I step off the treadmill, heading towards her before she can leave.
Just one touch. Just my hands grabbing onto her elbow and my heart soars. My body breaks out into goosebumps from one touch. I am so fucking in love with this girl. She sucks in a breath when she feels me and steps back, staring at me with wide eyes. All I want to do is touch her and pull her into me. I just want to look into her eyes and tell her how much I love her.
I should have said it before. I should have told her the minute I fell in love with her because shouting it across the street when she was bawling her eyes out was the hardest thing I’ve had to do.
I didn’t want to tell her I loved her to keep her. I wanted to tell her I loved her when I knew she was mine and when I was certain she’d feel the same for me.
“Don’t leave,” I tell her, my throat constricting with the words. “I’ll go, Leila.”
It’s the first time I’ve spoken to her since that day. I just wish it wasn’t this that I had to say. There’s so much I want to say to her.
She doesn’t say anything to me, her face stricken with anger, lips pursed as she stares back at me. I wish I could pause this moment, just to have her eyes on me for a second longer before I have to leave and never look at her again.
“I’m sorry.” I take a step closer to her and she takes a step back, away from me, sucking in a breath. I let my head drop. “I’m so fucking sorry.” I turn around and turn off the treadmill, walking out of the gym, with my heart back there clutched in her hands.
I’ve barely opened my front door when my phone buzzes in my pocket and when I see the name on the screen… I’m done. I’m fucking done.
Putting up with some guy blackmailing me, living in constant fear someone is going to find out my secret, giving up the woman I love, and all for what? To protect my family who never gave a shit about me?
There is no other reason he’s calling. He doesn’t care about me, he wants nothing but money.
When I answer the call, my stomach is riddled with guilt, knowing what I’m about to do, but I’ve lived in constant debt and I’m sick of it. I know if I don’t put an end to it, it will never end.
“Listen, I need—”
“It’s over.”
A silence ticks and then he laughs. “What?”
My hands clutch my phone tighter. “This little arrangement we had? It’s over. I’m not sending you any more money.”
“What about Mom?” he asks, a bite to his tone. “Jerry’s back. I can’t leave her.”
This excuse has gone on for way too long. Jerry hasn’t been back in years, why would he be back now? “I thought you two handled him?” I ask my brother once again. “You told me you handled it. What exactly did you mean?” Silence. My brother is never silent. “What did you do, Brandon?”
“You wanted him gone, didn’t you?” he yells, my bones chilling at the sound. “You wanted him out of our lives, out of Mom’s life, and now he is.”
My spine chills, a shiver running up it when I catch onto what he’s telling me. “Tell me you didn’t.”
“We got it handled.”
My body relaxes at the thought of Jerry not being alive, like knowing he can’t hurt anyone ever again brings me peace, but it also makes my brain race a million miles per second. “So you’ve been lying to me?” My throat clams up. “You’ve been telling me he’s back to get money out of me?” Another stab to the back. One after another, after another. “You used Jerry against me, knowing it’s a sore subject.” There are times that I can’t get the image out of my head, and my brother knows this. He knows how much it fucked me up.
“You wouldn’t give us our money.”
“I’ve given you everything!” I shout into the phone. “I’ve given you everything I had. I have nothing else to give. Nothing.” I run a hand down my face. “I should have done this a long time ago. I should have cut you off the minute I got away from you.”
“Who the fuck do you think you’re talking to?” My brother replies, venom coating his tone. “You’ll do as I say or—”
“Or what?” I ask him, gritting out the words. “You have nothing on me. You and Mom have been punishing me for doing what none of you had the courage to do. I left, I fucking escaped that hell hole and now I have a good life, without any of you.”
The more I speak, the lighter my body feels. I’ve been holding onto their dead weight for so long, wanting to make it right between us, wanting us to reconnect and be a real family even if I lost everything but what is the point? None of them would do the same for me. They spent my whole life beating me down—literally and figuratively—and I am fucking sick of it.
“Tell Mom I love her.” I swallow down the emotions clogged in my throat. “I know she hates me but I will always love her. Tell her if she wants to get sober—really sober—then I will help her. Take her to a facility, find a professional, whatever she needs but I will never give any of you money again.”
My brother scoffs on the other end. “The offer stands for you too,” I tell him. “And for Cam when he gets out of jail.” My voice softens when I hear silence on the other end. He isn’t yelling… that’s a start. “I will always help you, but I won’t let you guys use and abuse me anymore.”
When he doesn’t answer, I let out a breath and hang up the phone. I’ve said what I needed to say, and if he’s not happy with it, there’s nothing I can do about it. When I stuff my phone in my pocket, my hand grazes against cold plastic. My eyes close, knowing exactly what’s in my pocket and I take it out, looking over the picture of us both with green faces, my lips against hers in a kiss I can still feel.
She hasn’t answered any of my texts, she’s probably blocked me, removed me from her life, but I can’t do the same. She’s so wrong about it all. She doesn’t know how much she means to me, how I can’t think of a world where I’m not with her. She’s ruined me for everyone else.
My thumb runs over her face in the picture. So goddamn beautiful. I had everything right here, and I lost it.
I sigh, stuffing my phone back into my pocket and head towards the kitchen, opening the fridge.
“You’re out of your room.” I turn around and see Grayson leaning against the door, arms crossed over his chest. His brows sit so high on his forehead, his shock almost makes me laugh.
I face away from him, grabbing the cheese and lettuce, out of the fridge. “I went to the gym.” I grab the bread from the counter, placing the cheese on it. “Left early.”
“Why?”
Annoyance nips at me, my jaw clenching as I take a bite of the sandwich. “She was there.”
He nods, pressing his lips together. “Did you talk to her?”
I don’t bother replying, turning my back and opening the fridge again. I reach for the Diet Coke, my eyes flashing back and forth to the six-pack of beer sat in there. My fingers itch, the urge to grab it and see what it tastes like so strong it’s almost hard for me to stop myself. My hand twitches, getting closer to the cans.
“Don’t do it.”
Grayson’s voice snaps me out of the quick fascination with wanting to know what it would be like. Just once. Would I feel better? I grab the Diet Coke, close the door behind me, and turn back around. I crack the can open and stare down at it to avoid looking at Grayson. “What do you mean?” I feign ignorance, taking a sip.
“Aiden,” he says again in a tone that makes me feel guilty as fuck. “It’s not worth it.”
I place the can down on the counter, my eyes squeezing shut. Fuck, what did I just almost do? “I just don’t want to hurt anymore.” My voice cracks when I bury my head in my hands. “I want it to stop.” I press the palm of my hands to my eyes. “It hurts all the time.”
“Drinking is not going to solve it.”
I lift my head, peering at my best friend. It wasn’t that long ago that he was in the same position I was in. Heartbroken and wanting the pain to go away. “Remind me how you reacted,” I tell him, nudging my head to the beer on the counter. “Last year with Rosie.”
He sighs, shaking his head. “I get it, man, I do. I turned to alcohol because I couldn’t control my feelings. I didn’t understand what was going on, but you’re not me. You’re better than this.”
“No, I’m not.” Every bitter word and thought burning my body with the admission. “It’s ingrained in my fucking DNA, Grayson.” I press a hand to my chest, pressing it hard against the muscle that won’t stop beating, hurting. “I’m destined to be a fuck up. She just realized that sooner.” My eyes drop at the mention of Leila.
She looked so good today, but her smile was missing. That smile that she spent so long before allowing me to see. I did that. I took that happiness away trying to protect my family, my reputation. So stupid, so futile.
“That’s not what happened,” he says, narrowing his eyes at me. “And you know it.”
I don’t know anything. “Then what happened?” I ask him, shaking my head. “Fucking tell me because I’m at a loss here.” I press my fingertips to my chest. “I love her and I fucking lost her.”
“You hurt her,” he says. “You did the one thing I told you not to do. I warned you to make sure you knew what you were doing.”
The weight of his words hit me like a semi-truck. How many times did he tell me not to hurt her, to step away and leave her alone? I should have listened. I shouldn’t have gotten involved with her and let Jordan release those pictures.
But I couldn’t. I couldn’t stay away. The more time I spent with her, the more intrigued I was. And the short moment I had her was the happiest I have ever been. It was worth it. It was worth all of this heartbreak for one second of her time, her affection.
“I didn’t mean to hurt her.” My eyes drop, the excuse too weak to hold up. I didn’t mean to. But I did. “I was trying to protect my future.” I close my eyes, tipping my head back. “I just didn’t realize what I was giving up at the time.”
“You didn’t know?” Grayson asks, making my eyes snap open. “Because I’ve got to say, I’m having a hard time believing you would use her like this just for your own personal gain.”
“Fuck no.” My head shakes. “The bastard only asked for her number at the start and I thought… what’s the harm?” I shrug. “She didn’t even like me back then. It was an easy thing to do in exchange for not risking my future here.” I blow out a breath. “But now, if I knew…” I let my words trail off knowing they mean nothing.
It’s too late to change what happened. The only thing I can do is either hope she forgives me and realizes I wasn’t lying about us… Or let her move on without me, even if it kills me.
“I don’t know what to do,” I admit, my shoulders slumping. “She won’t talk to me.” I shake my head, remembering how she barely looked at me in the gym. “She can’t even look at me.”
He blows out a breath. “You fucked up. I’m not going to lie.” His lips twitch when I glare at him. “But there must be something we can do.”
I peer at him. “We? I thought you were pissed at me,” I say.
He huffs out a laugh. “I was. But Rosie doesn’t seem to think you hurt her best friend on purpose.”
“I wouldn’t.” My hands drop. “I would give everything else up for another second with her.” Nothing is worth losing her. Nothing. Not even basketball. “Fuck.” My head snaps up. “That’s it.”
“What is?”
“That’s fucking it.” I grab the can from the counter, drinking the rest of it. I throw it in the trash, heading out of the kitchen.
“What are you doing?” he asks.
“I have to go.”
“Aiden. Don’t do something stupid.” His voice rattles on as I head for the door.
Too late.
