Splintered Ice: Chapter 21

As I walk to my class, I see that Noah isn’t waiting for me. It’s been like this since last weekend, when I left the hockey game and had my run-in with Sterling. Noah hasn’t spoken a word to me since. He doesn’t wait for me to walk into class, not even a glance in my direction. He doesn’t sit anywhere near me during any of the classes we have together.

And I can’t help but blame Sterling for it.

I know I should have said something to Noah sooner. I should have been proactive to protect our friendship, but I didn’t. Instead, Sterling went ahead and tried to take care of it for me, but he went about it in the worst way possible. He practically acted like I was his property and that Noah wasn’t allowed to come anywhere near me.

The classroom is still fairly empty when I walk inside and I see Noah seated in his new seat that is a few rows in front of where we used to sit together. Inhaling deeply, I straighten my shoulders and walk directly toward him. As I stop in front of his desk, he doesn’t lift his gaze to mine. He acts like I’m not even there.

“Hey, Noah,” I say quietly, my palms sweating as I hold on to the straps of my backpack. “Can we talk?”

“Nothing to talk about,” he replies gruffly, keeping his gaze down on the material in front of him. He’s making me completely unsettled with the way he says it so dismissively. I don’t miss the way his jaw clenches. A sigh escapes him and he finally lifts his head to look at me.

“I’m sorry about Sterling. I didn’t know he would approach you or say anything to you.”

Noah’s eyes meet mine and he looks distant, like there’s a wave of pain passing through his irises. “I don’t even know what to really say about it, Olivia.” He pauses for a moment, shaking his head. “I asked you if he was any kind of competition and you assured me he wasn’t—that he was just a friend. And then to have him approach me and tell me I need to back off and leave you alone was like a slap to the face.”

I wince at his words, feeling the blow to my chest from the sadness that lingers in his tone. He’s upset and angry, which I’ve never seen Noah react to something so emotionally before. I really messed up… I’m beginning to wonder if he liked me more than he let on.

“I’m sorry, Noah,” I tell him, the regret laced within my words. There’s literally nothing else I can say. Nothing will go back and change the way things played out. “I was meaning to tell you that I just wanted to be friends with you, and I was going to that night but didn’t get the chance to.”

“Because you saw him,” he says, a knowing look in his eyes. “You left because you saw him on the ice.”

I swallow hard over the emotion that wells in my throat. Tears prick the corners of my eyes but I refuse to let them fall. “You’re right. I didn’t want to go to the game because I didn’t want to see him. And then he saw the two of us together and he got the wrong picture.”

“That’s funny.” His voice is filled with sadness and disappointment as he shakes his head. “I thought it was the right picture. If you would have just told me that you just wanted to be friends, I would have been okay with that, Olivia.”

“I know,” I admit quietly, the tension hanging heavily in the air between us. “I’ve loved Sterling for as long as I can remember, but I always thought it wasn’t a reciprocated feeling.”

Noah is quiet for a moment as he just stares at me. I can’t quite read the emotion that washes over his eyes, but it’s not anything good. “So, you just led me on then?”

“I wasn’t trying to,” I tell him honestly, even though I knew that I kind of was. “I didn’t want to completely count you out because we do have a connection with one another. I was curious about it and wanted to explore it, but Sterling’s presence in my heart is just too loud. It’s too loud for me to ignore and I couldn’t let that go.”

“I don’t even know what to say, Olivia,” he tells me, hanging his head in defeat. “I wish you would have told me this sooner. I feel like a fool and like I wasted my time. I didn’t know how things would go between us, but I wish you would have at least given me the opportunity to show you how good I can be to you. Or told me so I wouldn’t have continued to try to make something happen between us.”

“See, that’s the problem,” I tell him, my voice quiet as it cracks around the words. “We shouldn’t have to try to make something happen between us. It’s a matter of the heart and something that should just happen organically. I think we were both just trying too hard and honestly, that would have never worked in the end.”

“I understand what you’re saying, but that still doesn’t change how I feel about this right now,” he tells me with nothing but honesty. It’s not what I want to hear, but I don’t have any control over what he chooses to do with his feelings. I’m the one who indirectly hurt him because I couldn’t be straightforward. “I’m not saying that we can’t ever be friends, but I need some time and some space from this whole situation.”

I swallow hard over the lump in my throat. “I understand, Noah. And I just want you to know that I really am sorry. Especially for how Sterling acted about it.”

“I’m honestly not even worried about that,” he says, his eyes meeting mine again with disappointment. “Yeah, he was a dickhead about it. But it would have been a lot better coming from you instead of him. I was blindsided and I don’t like how that makes me feel.”

I knew I hurt him, but I didn’t know he was this affected by it all. I thought Sterling saying something to him would have been the worst of it, but he’s completely right and I completely understand where he’s coming from. I would feel the same way. Almost like it’s a betrayal of some sort.

“Just give me some time, Olivia,” Noah says, his voice soft and gentle. “I don’t want to lose you as a friend, but right now, this is just too close.”

His words give me a sense of hope and my heart feels like it beats a little harder at the prospect. I know Sterling won’t be happy about the two of us still being friends, but I’m not sure I should really care about what he says.

I don’t even know where Sterling and I stand in this moment. I was the one who told him I needed some space and time to think. And I’ve done nothing but think about the negatives of the situation. Sterling was reacting in the way he knows how to.

That doesn’t excuse it at all, but maybe I need to think about it from a different perspective. I really don’t know what to do when it comes to Sterling and I’m not sure I can trust my heart in this matter.

Leaving Noah, I find my seat and sit down as everyone else begins to come into the classroom. Feeling my phone vibrating in my pocket, I pull it out, my heart in my throat as I unlock the screen. I’m not ready to talk to Sterling, but I can’t help but want to hear from him. To hear his voice once again.

As I open my messages, I feel like a deflated balloon when I see that it isn’t him. It’s Stella instead. I haven’t really talked to her, even though she’s my best friend. She’d see right through me and she’d be able to tell that something is wrong. And I can’t even talk to her about my problem.

Stella: SURPRISE BITCH!!

Her message reads with a picture of her outside of Wyncote’s main entrance. Another message comes through and I stare at my phone with my eyes wide.

Stella: We’re hanging out tonight. My asshole brother will pick you up after your last class. Make sure you’re ready because we need to have some fun!

My stomach sinks while simultaneously rolling with dread. I reread her message again and I’m filled with the need to run—again. As far away from this damn place and my best friend’s brother.

Only, I can’t.

I can’t outrun him and I can’t outrun my problems.

It looks like I have no choice but to finally face him…