I don’t know what to make of everything Sterling just told me. I’m partly in shock, partially elated by knowing he feels the same way about me, and absolutely terrified. Yet again, my grumpy guy is being kind and patient by giving me the time to think about it all.
My mind just doesn’t even know where to begin.
There are so many variables and I hate it. I like everything planned. I like knowing what to expect. And with Sterling and the future between us, there’s literally no guarantee for anything. I thought I was ready to let him break my heart, but now I’m not so sure. I don’t know if it’s something I would ever be able to come back from.
Simon graciously offered to give me a ride home after Sterling disappeared upstairs. Part of me wanted to follow after him, but I really do need to think this through before I go ahead and make a rash decision. I tend to be more calculated when it comes to planning and this is definitely a big decision.
It shouldn’t even be a question because of how I feel about him, but I can’t help but question everything. It used to be one thing that pissed Sterling off so much, but it’s like he’s already making a change. He wants me to question everything and make sure I feel safe with whatever decision I decide to make.
“You know, Olivia,” Simon starts as we continue down the road in the direction of Wyncote’s campus. “For what it’s worth, I’ve never seen Sterling like this with another girl. He never gets involved with anyone and he’s completely captivated by you.”
“I know,” I say quietly. “I just can’t help but worry about the future. Like what happens when he graduates and gets drafted onto a team? What happens if he moves far away and I’m still here in Vermont?”
“Do you feel the same way about him?” Simon questions me, nothing but curiosity in his voice.
A sigh slips from my lips. “I do.”
“Then you do whatever you can to make it work.”
Simon’s words linger in my mind, swirling around as they begin to consume me. Perhaps he’s right. Maybe I’ve been making this more complicated than it has to be. I don’t know if the risk is worth the possible heartbreak, but maybe it’s time I step out of my comfort zone. I need to live a little and my cautiousness has been doing nothing but holding me back.
Sterling wants to be my safety net. Would it be so bad to let him?
Simon pulls his car along the curb in front of the dorm building. He puts it in park as I unbuckle my seat belt and glance over at him.
“Thanks for the ride, Simon,” I tell him graciously. “I really appreciate it.”
“Of course,” he smiles at me before I turn to reach for the door handle. “Just think about what you really want, Olivia. You’ve known Sterling long enough to know that he’s a great guy. It’s all scary, having feelings for someone and taking that jump, but you never know what good can come from it if you don’t let yourself fall.”
Climbing out of the car, I turn back to Simon, offering him a smile. “Thanks, Simon.”
I close the door behind me and Simon waits by the curb until I’m safely inside my building. My mind is elsewhere as I make my way up to my room. I’m thankful when I open the door and see that the room is vacant again. As much as I’d love to be able to talk to my roommate, I’m glad to have the silence and the space to deal with my thoughts alone.
Grabbing my stuff, I head to the shower room and get a quick shower, letting the hot water cleanse my soul as I attempt to work through my thoughts. I don’t know why I’m hesitating so much. It should be a no-brainer. Life is so short and if you find someone who loves you, you should let them in.
Sterling isn’t a bad guy. He isn’t perfect, but then again, none of us are. He messed up—we both messed up and we both acknowledged what we did and apologized. There’s no sense in focusing on the past because, how can you move forward if you’re hung up on things you can’t change any longer?
The only thing you really have control over and can change is the present and the future. Sterling acknowledged that he overstepped boundaries—important ones that need to be in place. He has expressed that he wants to respect them, and I want to believe him. Hell, I have no reason to not believe him. But at the same time, that’s taking another risky chance, hoping that someone will follow through with the changes they say they’re going to make.
I don’t know that I see his jealous, possessive side ever diminishing completely, but he needs to understand that he has no control over me at all. I would never do anything to intentionally hurt him or step out on him. But I want to be able to make my own decisions without feeling like I need his permission or blessing.
Unless it’s something big that would affect the both of us. Then of course I would consult with him without making any decisions or doing something.
After finishing showering, I slip into a pair of comfy pajamas before climbing under the covers of my twin-sized bed. As I settle with my head against my pillow, I pull the comforter the whole way up to my chin, seeking some type of comfort. Although, it doesn’t find me. Instead, I’m alone with my thoughts and I’ve never felt more lonely in this moment than I have before.
I shouldn’t have let him walk away from me tonight. I should have followed after him. I shouldn’t have left without talking to him. I don’t know what I was thinking that I needed space to process my thoughts. Because all of my thoughts circle back to him and the fact that I don’t think I’m ready to let go of him.
We were just getting started before things got messed up between us and it’s not too late to make things right. This is our chance to do things the way we should have from the beginning. Neither of us wanted to get involved and develop these types of feelings, but it was inevitable. The universe worked against us and the magnetic pull between the two of us was something neither of us could fight.
And we both fought it out of fear.
Sterling isn’t someone that I should be afraid of. I’ve literally trusted him my entire life and loved him for just as long. I thought it was just a simple crush when I was younger, but I was so wrong. He was my first love and I want him to be my last.
There’s no sense in wasting any more time. I’ve already taken too much time to come to this decision when it was right in front of my face the entire time. It’s just that crippling fear that consumes me sometimes. I need to stop letting it get the better of me because I’m ready to live.
I’m ready to experience life being loved by him.
The next day, I still haven’t heard anything from Sterling and I’m grateful for the space. He told me it was my choice and he’s being respectful by giving me the time to think. Stella called me this morning and begged me to go along to the boys’ game, so here I am sitting in the stands with her as we watch them begin to line up for the puck drop.
“Have you talked to my brother at all?”
I shake my head at her. “I planned to tonight after the game. He wanted to give me space to think about it before deciding, but I already know what I want, Stella.”
My best friend smiles over at me. “You want him.”
I nod as we both turn our attention back out to the ice. Sterling, Vaughn, and Hayden are all out there playing right now. They look like a well-oiled machine with the way they move around, passing the puck back and forth to each other.
Sterling and Vaughn are both racing down on opposite sides of the ice as Hayden hangs back in the defensive zone. I watch, sitting on the edge of my seat as Sterling passes the puck to Vaughn. He’s skating directly toward another goal and he moves the puck around as he’s about to pass one of the defensive players on the other team.
The other player slides his skate out in an attempt to trip up Vaughn but both of their knees collide. Stella lets out an audible gasp and jumps to her feet as we watch Vaughn crumple onto the ice. The other player is down too, but he quickly climbs to his skates and gingerly skates over to the bench.
The play stops completely as Vaughn lies on the ice for a moment as Sterling and Hayden rush over to him. The entire arena falls silent and everyone is completely shocked by what just happened. Stella has her hands over her mouth and we both watch in utter shock as the boys attempt to help Vaughn onto his feet.
He’s unable to put any weight on his left foot. It breaks my heart watching Sterling and Hayden practically carry him off the ice. The three of them disappear down the tunnel with the coach hot on their heels. I glance over at Stella and her face looks as white as the ice.
“That was completely fucked up,” she breathes, shaking her head in disappointment. “They better call a penalty for that shit.”
“I don’t even know much about hockey, but that didn’t look like it was something legal.”
Stella frowns and her nostrils flare as she lets out a deep breath. “It wasn’t at all. That was knee-to-knee contact and the player was trying to trip him. That could easily end someone’s career.”
“Oh no,” I practically whisper. This is all new to me, so everything she’s telling me is something I didn’t know. “I didn’t realize something like that could be so detrimental.”
Stella stares at me for a moment, a mix of emotions washing over her expression. “That’s the way hockey is. All it takes is one accident and your career is over. Sometimes even your life. People don’t realize just how dangerous this sport is and you need to know that because of Sterling.”
Tearing my eyes away from her, I look back down to the ice where they’re going over the play that happened and how they’re going to proceed with the penalty. I can’t imagine if something were to happen to Sterling… I don’t know how I would handle it.
Stella drops me off at my dorm after we leave the game. She spoke to her brother and got news of Vaughn’s condition. He was going into surgery to try and repair his knee, but it was unlikely that he would ever play again. I can’t help but feel completely devastated for all of them. The accident could have been much worse, but Vaughn’s career is over. And one of Sterling’s closest friends is now in the middle of surgery.
Rolling over in bed, I grab my phone from my nightstand and unlock the screen. Tapping on the messages app, I find Sterling’s name and open up our thread. A smile touches my lips as I read over the last few messages between us. He was right then and it still stands true now. I can’t outrun him… and I don’t want to anymore.
Olivia: Hey… I know it’s late, but are you awake?
I stare at the screen for a moment, holding in my breath. It’s the middle of the night and the last thing I want to do is disturb Sterling, especially after what happened to Vaughn.
Sterling: Wide awake, actually. I just got home from the hospital.
Swallowing hard over the lump lodged in my throat, I take a deep breath before typing my response back to him. I don’t know how he’s going to respond, but this is my chance and I’m taking it.
Olivia: How is Vaughn? I was at the game with Stella and heard he was going into surgery.
I watch the three little bubbles in the corner instantly appear before his message comes through.
Sterling: His knee is completely fucked. He’s in recovery now, but he’s never going to fully recover. He’ll never play again.
My heart sinks at the thought for Vaughn. And at the same time it terrifies me that something like that could easily happen to Sterling.
Olivia: Can you come over?
Sterling doesn’t hesitate to respond.
Sterling: Is everything okay?
Olivia: Everything’s fine. I just want to see you and I don’t think I can wait until tomorrow. I want to talk to you, but in person.
Sterling: Say no more, sunshine. I’ll be there in twenty minutes.
I reread his message a few times before locking my screen. My heart is beating to its own melody inside my chest and I hold my phone against my sternum. There’s something about the way he calls me sunshine that makes my stomach flutter.
I’m ready to hand my heart over to Sterling Barrett.
Even if he decides to break it in the end.
