Olivia’s eyes widen as she stares up at me, her plump lips parted slightly. I should have done this earlier today when it was just the two of us and without my sister having to intervene. I can’t tell what is going on in Olivia’s head right now and she’s staring back at me like she’s in complete shock. Almost as if she’s frozen in place.
“Olivia… please say something.”
The silence is literally killing me. I don’t need her to say it back to me. Hell, I don’t know what I need to hear from her, but something is better than nothing in this moment. Right now, I can’t get my heart to calm down as it pounds erratically in my chest. I’ve never put my heart on the line like I am in this moment.
To be honest, Olivia is the first girl I’ve ever had these feelings for. And the first I’ve ever confessed my love to. I don’t care if she throws it back in my face, although that’s not where I want this to go. But if that’s the way she feels, then I completely understand. I can’t help but feel a little relieved that I finally got it out.
“I don’t know what to say, Sterling,” she says, her voice a strangled whisper as she chokes over her words. Her eyes grow moist and there’s a wave of pain washed over her expression, almost as if I’m hurting her. “You weren’t supposed to fall in love with me.”
“I know, baby. Trust me, I tried not to,” I admit, reaching out to cup the side of her face as she continues to look up at me. “I couldn’t fight it anymore. You consume my every thought. You worked your way into my heart and I’m afraid I can’t get you out of there.”
“It would never work, Sterling,” she argues, shaking her head as she takes a step away from me. “You’re graduating this year. You told me not to worry about what would happen in the future, but I can’t do that. I have to worry about what happens in the future and if you can’t give me something stable, then it’s not something I feel comfortable with.”
I fight the urge to follow after her, instead I allow her to create some distance between the two of us. It’s almost as if it creates some sense of security for her. She’s always been a flight risk and with not being cornered right now, she still has that option to exit the room in case she feels like she needs to.
Although, I hope she doesn’t.
“Remember what I asked you to do that one night, Liv?”
She tilts her head to the side, her eyebrows pulling together as she shakes her head.
“I asked you to let me be one of your safety nets. I promise I won’t hurt you. I will keep you safe, sunshine.”
Olivia swallows roughly, her tongue slipping through her lips as she wets them. “How can I believe that, though? You’re going to play hockey professionally after this. Who knows where you will even end up in the country. Hell, you could end up in Canada, for all we know.”
“You’re right,” I agree with her, because she isn’t wrong. Professional level is my next step and my future is a little unpredictable right now. “But that doesn’t mean anything would have to change between us. I would never ask you to give up your degree you’re working on to follow me. We could make long distance work. I will come see you every free second that I have.”
I watch in confusion as two tears simultaneously fall from her eyes, streaming down the sides of her face. Through the sadness, her eyes still shine brightly at me and her lips pull upward into a sad smile. “You really believe that would work? We would be worlds apart, Sterling. I never did fit into yours.”
“Don’t say that, sunshine,” I plead with her, my voice cracking around my words. “You are what makes my world feel like it’s complete. If you don’t want to be with me, I won’t push you. I understand how important boundaries are and I’m trying to learn to rein myself back in when I feel jealous or possessive. But I want to be with you, Olivia. However we have to make it work, I’m willing to put in the work.”
She stares back at me, but words seem to fail her in this moment. I shouldn’t be springing this all on her, but she needs to know the truth, and we’re progressively running out of time. The last time I saw her—the night I fucked it all up—she asked for space and time to think. I think she’s had enough time.
I just need her to feel safe with me. For her to trust me with her heart because I will treat it like the most precious piece of glass. It’s the one thing I would never dare to break, even if I have hurt her in the past.
“I don’t think relationships are supposed to be hard,” she says softly, her voice thoughtful. “Is it really worth it if we constantly have to fight to make it work?”
“Nothing good in life comes easily, sunshine… you should know this by now.”
She takes a step toward me and my heart crawls into my throat. “I appreciate you being honest with me with your feelings, Sterling.” Her voice is soft and gentle, but it’s filled with caution. “I’ve been in love with you for as long as I can remember, but I don’t like the thought of the risk. It scares the hell out of me.”
Her words hit me with such force, it feels like my heart is about to combust. She’s been in love with me for as long as she can remember. How the hell could I be so goddamn blind to it all?
“All of this scares me,” I admit, a nervous chuckle rumbling in my chest. “All that I’m asking is for you to give me a chance, Olivia. I don’t need an answer right now. I just wanted you to know how I feel. Whatever you decide to do with that is your choice now.”
It kills me to leave the ball in her court like this, when she seems so unsure of what she wants. I believe her when she says she’s been in love with me for a long time, but that doesn’t change the way she feels about the future.
Walking away from her right now is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. I can feel her eyes on my back as I turn around and walk out of the kitchen. My sister is sitting in the living room with Simon, her eyes meeting mine in question as I walk through the room. Her lips part, like she’s about to say something, but I shake my head, shutting her down instantly.
I catch a glimpse of the grim look on her face that is laced with sadness. I know that Stella was only trying to help and there’s a part of me that is grateful for her intrusion. She pushed me to do the one thing I had been terrified of actually doing. I wasn’t expecting Olivia to fall to her knees and want to be with me, but her hesitation and fears leave me feeling unsettled.
Walking directly to the stairs, I’m halfway up them on the way to my bedroom when I hear Olivia’s voice as she speaks to my sister. She’s apologizing and telling her that she wants to go home. She tells Stella they can hang out tomorrow instead after Simon offers to give her a ride home. My heart sinks and dread rolls in the pit of my stomach, but I’m not surprised. My head hangs in defeat as I make my way up to my bedroom and lock the door behind me.
Olivia feels cornered so now she’s doing what she does best.
She’s running.
She has always been careful—sometimes too careful that it almost hinders the way she lives her life. I don’t want her to be uncomfortable and constantly worry if we’re together, but I want her to take this leap with me. I want her to feel safe and to know that she’s loved.
I just want her to fall with me, so I can be the one to catch her.
