Class wraps up and our professor is finally dismissing us with a report that is due in two weeks. It’s not a huge one, but it’s still a pretty hefty assignment that I need to get a good grade on. Noah waits for me by the door as I gather my belongings and shove them into my bag. After clearing my desk, I head over to him, a grin tugging on the corners of my lips.
“You want to go get lunch?” Noah asks me as he holds the door open for me. “When is your next class?”
“I actually have the rest of the afternoon off.”
We fall into step with one another, wading through the sea of students. Mondays are thankfully my easy days. I only have classes in the mornings and then after lunch, my afternoon is free. This would probably be the time that I could use to find a job. Although, my parents have been making my transition into college simpler by sending me money when I need it.
“Damn.” Noah frowns as we walk down the steps into the main entrance to the building. “I literally have a half hour break and then classes until dinnertime. Did you want to run to the café to grab something to eat?”
I hear Noah speaking, but I’m not fully listening to him. Hell, I’m not even looking at him—I’m looking past him, but he doesn’t seem to notice. I’m completely distracted, but my distraction has a name.
Sterling Barrett.
And he’s standing with some of his friends with his famous scowl. His eyes ignite, a fire burning inside of them as he narrows them at me. His jaw tightens, his throat bobbing as he swallows hard. He looks as if he’s a statue—a pissed-off one at that.
“Olivia?” Noah breaks through my thoughts and I quickly look back up at him, knowing that there’s a completely lost expression on my face. “Did you hear anything I said?”
“Yeah, sorry,” I tell him, offering a polite smile as I shrug. Glancing over Noah’s shoulder, I see Sterling and his friends heading outside. His gaze meets mine once more as he throws a glance back to me before slipping through the doorway. “I—uh—I actually have something that I need to do. But tomorrow?”
Noah doesn’t even appear disappointed. There isn’t a single mean bone in this guy’s body. He gives me a genuine smile and nods. “Sounds good. I’ll see you in class tomorrow.”
I’m almost shocked at the fact that he literally leaves it at that. He doesn’t press for anything more, he just drops the entire conversation with the promise of seeing each other tomorrow. My feet are stuck to the floor for a moment as I watch him disappear through the side door. There was nothing malicious about how he acted.
That’s just how Noah is. Warm, friendly, a people pleaser. He just always seems content with anything, as if he doesn’t want to rock the boat in any way. I’m not sure how I feel about it. In a sense, I like the simplicity, the way he matches the same positivity I’m trying to put out in the world. But at the same time, I can’t tell if it’s superficial or not.
We all have layers, but what if that’s Noah’s only one? What if there’s nothing beneath that and what you see is what you get? I don’t like the way it messes with my mind and I know the root cause of it.
That infamous scowl that always has a way of muddling my thoughts.
An exasperated sigh slips from my lips and I turn back to the main entrance, seeing Sterling walking by himself. I don’t know where his friends went, but this is my chance to approach him. My feet move quickly as I shuffle past the other students crowding the area and I step out into the cold air. The wind whips, burning my cheeks, but I ignore it as I follow behind Sterling.
“Hey, wait up!” I call out after him, but my voice gets lost in a gust of wind. Sterling doesn’t hear me and continues to walk as I continue to get closer to him. Breaking out into a jog, it doesn’t take me long to reach him. “Sterling,” I say his name as I’m almost directly behind him.
This time he hears me. He stops, turning around to face me, just as I trip over my own feet. I hadn’t planned on crashing into him, but I’m struggling to regain my footing as I begin to fall in his direction. I’m too close to him to fall onto the ground. There’s no room and my only choice is to collide directly with him.
Sterling throws his arms out to catch me, just as I land against his solid chest. My breath leaves my lungs in a rush and he wraps his hands around my biceps as he holds me up. Tilting my head back, my eyes meet his and he’s close… too close. The faint cedar smell of his cologne invades my senses. There’s a warmth to him that reminds me of the Sterling I knew growing up.
And it instantly vanishes as I regain my footing. The softness in his expression is gone and he moves me away from him, his hands abandoning my arms as a look of torment washes over his irises. Heat creeps up my neck, spreading across my cheeks, and I want the ground to open up and swallow me whole. He seems to have that kind of effect on me.
“Are you okay?” he asks, his voice quiet as he stares back at me.
“I am,” I practically whisper. “I’m sorry about that.”
A ghost of a smile plays on his lips. “We need to stop running into each other like this,” he half jokes and I’m almost expecting his lips to curve upward, but they don’t. “If I didn’t know any better, I might think that you’re doing it on purpose.”
“No, not at all,” I admit in a rush, feeling the embarrassment consuming me. Sterling’s eyes are trained on mine as he lifts an eyebrow.
“Of course not,” he agrees, a hint of irritation in his tone. “I’m sure your little boyfriend wouldn’t appreciate that, now would he?”
My eyebrows tug together. “I don’t have a boyfriend.”
“Tell that to the asshole who keeps looking at you like you hung the sun in the sky.”
I stare back at him, my eyes narrowing as his words resonate in my mind. Of course Sterling would have an issue with it. Just add that to the list of things he doesn’t like. “What’s so wrong with the way he looks at me? At least he can appreciate the good that I have to offer.”
Sterling’s jaw tics, but he reaches out, his hands finding my coat as he lifts my hood over my head against the wind. A storm brews in his irises as they focus in on mine. “Because he should be looking at you like you are the sun.”
My lips part slightly, my heart constricts in my chest. Sterling drops his hands away from my coat and turns away from me. I’m frozen in place, my feet cemented to the ground as I watch him step off the curb and walk into the parking lot.
I don’t understand Sterling. One minute he’s as cold as ice, ready to put as much distance between us as possible. The next minute, he’s soft and warm, saying things that my soul is so desperate to hear from him. I don’t know what he wants from me.
And I’m not so sure I want to know.
Later that evening, I’m back in my dorm room reading a book. My roommate is once again not here. It’s been relatively lonely sharing a room with her since she’s always at her boyfriend’s. I grew up in a very loud household with three other siblings. And when I was at college in Florida, my roommate was someone I grew close to.
It’s been pretty lonely, just sharing the silence with myself most of the time. I’m deep in the book that I’m reading, when my phone begins to ring. My face lights up, my mood instantly lifting as I see it’s my best friend calling.
Since Stella moved to California and we both kind of went our separate ways with college, we haven’t been in touch like we used to. There was a point where we didn’t go a day without talking. Now, it’s fizzled out to only every few weeks. Which, I’m not mad about.
I completely understand it. We both have our own separate lives now. Stella moved across the country and had no option but to make new friends. And luckily for her, she’s more of an extrovert than I am. So, while it’s been easy for her to make new friends, I’ve been the one who is struggling.
I’ve always been more of an introvert and kept to myself. Stella was the peanut butter to my jelly. She was the one who I could count on to help pull me out of my shell and my comfort zone. She never pushed me to do anything that I wasn’t comfortable with, but she always made sure that I was trying something new instead of being stuck in my safety net ways.
“Hello,” I answer, my voice lifting higher than it has been lately. I can’t help but feel a sudden pang of sadness as I hear laughter in the background of wherever Stella is. I wish I were there with my best friend, living life like we always did.
“Hey, girl!” Stella’s voice is loud and energetic. “How are you? I feel like we haven’t talked in forever.” Something shuffles around in the background and I hear a door close as she must have gone into another room. “Let’s FaceTime so I can make sure you’re actually good like you’re going to tell me you are.”
A soft laugh falls from my lips and I answer the FaceTime request as it comes through. Stella’s face fills my screen and I realize in this moment just how long it’s been since we last saw each other. We were supposed to get together over winter break, but she ended up staying in California instead of coming here.
“That’s better,” she beams, flashing her bright white smile that I haven’t seen in forever. As I stare back at her, my mind can’t help but drift to Sterling. The similarities between the two of them are so strong, I feel like I’m looking at his twin right now. “How are you, Liv?”
Adjusting myself on my bed, I sit up straighter, positioning my head against the headboard as I stare back into her dark brown eyes. “I’ve been good. Just trying to get used to being here and figuring out how to navigate this semester.”
“I know you better than anyone else, Liv. You might say that you’re good, but I can see past that. What’s really going on?” She pauses for a moment, her lips tugging downward into a frown. “How are the people there? Have they been nice to you? Have you made any friends?”
I can’t stop the laughter that falls from my lips as I shake my head at Stella. “Jeez. How about one question at a time?” I purposely avoid the comment she made about seeing past me just saying that I’m good.
Stella might know me better than most. She can tell when there’s something else that’s going on. I’m usually really good at keeping my mask on, creating a sunshine vibe for everyone to jive with. Stella is one of the only people that can tell that it’s bullshit sometimes… the other just so happens to be her older brother.
“Okay, let’s start with the first one. How are the people there?”
I shrug. “They seem to be fairly nice. I haven’t run into any issues with anyone, but I’ve been keeping my head down and making sure that I’m worrying about my own stuff instead of what’s going on with everyone else.”
“What did I tell you about that?” Stella scowls, her eyebrows tugging together. “You need to branch out and make some friends. How are you going to get to know anyone if you don’t go out and get the full college experience. I know that you’re super focused on your classes and shit, but come on, girl. Life is completely passing you by while you’re hanging out in your dorm room with your nose in a book.”
“There’s nothing wrong with that if it’s something I enjoy doing,” I argue, coming to my own defense. Usually I wouldn’t fight her on it, but there’s something about the way she says it that strikes a nerve. It’s almost as if she’s implying I’m living my life the wrong way because I’m not doing the same things she is doing. I’m doing exactly what I want to do, even if it is a little bit lonely.
“I’m not saying there is, Liv. But there’s so much that college can offer you socially instead of just academically.” She pauses again for a second, brushing her long dark hair away from her face. “Please tell me you’ve at least made one friend. What about the guys there? I know I’ve seen some pretty good-looking ones when I’ve gone to visit my brother.”
“I actually have made a friend… and he is a guy.”
Stella’s lips part, forming an O shape as she stares at me in disbelief. “No fucking way. I need every detail immediately.”
“He’s just a friend. Noah. I met him in one of my biology classes. We hung out like twice, but he’s literally just a friend and nothing more.”
“Come on,” Stella pleads, her lip pouting out. “You’ve got to give me more than that. Is he hot? Have you guys done anything?”
“Yes and no,” I answer her, attempting to appease her without getting her hopes up that this is going somewhere with Noah.
And I’m not saying that it isn’t. He’s definitely someone I could see myself with. He fits the exact mold I’ve always imagined. Except my imagination and what my heart wants don’t exactly match up. He doesn’t fit the mold that my heart has already crafted for me.
He isn’t Sterling.
And unfortunately, Sterling is the only one who fits that mold.
“Okay, why not?”
“I don’t know,” I admit—well, it’s more like a half-truth. “We’re just friends. I barely even know him. Other than him, the only other person I’ve really talked to is my roommate, and she’s gone half the time.”
Stella stares at me through the screen for a moment, her lips pursed as a wave of sadness passes through her eyes. “You’re practically all alone there, Liv.” She swallows, shaking her head. “I don’t like it at all. What about my brother? He hasn’t reached out to you or anything?”
Shit.
I swallow hard and completely forget about the thought of being lonely. Instead, my mind is plagued by thoughts of him. The very ones I’ve been trying to avoid. I could tell her the truth about our interactions or I could keep them to myself completely.
“I’ve seen him around campus. We went out to get dinner one night, but that’s about it.”
Stella’s nostrils flare, a displeasing look on her face as she frowns again. “You’ve only hung out once?”
I nod. “I mean, it’s not like he needs to be my friend or anything. I’m sure he’s super busy with hockey and his own life. Just because we grew up together doesn’t mean we need to be friends.”
Stella shakes her head. “Nope, I don’t approve of that one bit. He’s there; he’s been there for three fucking years. The least he can do is befriend you until you find a few of your own.”
My heart pounds erratically in my chest as panic begins to set in. I rapidly shake my head, my voice catching in my throat for a moment. “No, Stella. Don’t.”
“Bye, babe!” she exclaims, blowing me a kiss. “I need to talk to my brother, so I’ll talk to you later. Love you!”
My lips part to get a word in, but she disconnects the call before I get a chance to say anything else to her. Slamming my lips back together, I slowly sink down deeper into the bed, feeling dread rolling in the pit of my stomach. The last thing I need is for Sterling to be around more, especially if it’s out of pity.
He’s already made it clear he doesn’t particularly care for me, even if he wants to make sure I’m safe. He’s not here to be my friend or anything like that. He’s just my best friend’s older brother, nothing more.
Suddenly it feels as if my safety net has been ripped away from me. Stella might think she’s doing me a favor, but in reality she’s only making this even worse for me. She knew when we were younger that I had a crush on her brother, but I think as soon as I got a boyfriend, she thought those feelings were gone; she never brought it up again.
She doesn’t know how deep my feelings for him run.
And Stella is about to put me in the most awkward position I’ve ever been in before.
