Age 18
It’s prom night, and I’m dancing with a guy I don’t even want to be with. Phillip’s breath smells, his suit stinks like my old granny’s clothes, and the way he looks at me makes my skin crawl. It’s like he found a pot of gold, and he’s not afraid to dig in. I try to ignore it, but it still creeps me out from time to time. I’ve learned to cope with my disgust like I’ve learned to cope with lying to Miles. I guess that’s what it costs to be part of my family and to become part of the Starr family.
I put on a sparkly dress, vivid red lipstick, and I even put on my best shoes for this dance. All so I could convince Phillip that I’m the girl he wants. The only girl he’ll ever need. The girl he should be with. Just like he is the guy I should be with … even when my heart is saying no. I’ve grown accustomed to ignoring my heart’s pleas. Hell, I don’t even remember what it’s like to be true to myself. Like my mother says, happiness comes at a hefty price.
She bribes me with gifts; cars, clothes, more money than I can ever spend in a club. Just so I’ll be more willing to do what she wants … so I’ll marry Phillip.
And the worst part of it all is that I’m starting to feel like this is what I’m supposed to do. It’s hard to say no, and it’s even harder to resist when she’s practically burying me with gifts and threats. Sometimes I wonder what I’m really worth. Either it’s a lot or very little, which is why I constantly wonder if any of them really love me at all.
The only way I see their love for me is when they shower me with gifts. When they say I’m a spoiled kid, I can’t help but agree. It doesn’t make me happy, though. That’s what everyone believes, but they only see the mask … the mask that’s building up, layer by layer, until I can no longer see the difference between the mask and the real me.
But I’ll never give up trying to overcome it all. Despite the odds, one day, I will fly.
And that’s what I tell myself every single time I look into Phillip’s eyes.
I blink and look away, hoping the night will pass quickly so I can step out of this uncomfortable dress and take a nice, hot shower. Right when I open my eyes, Miles is dancing with a girl just a few feet away. Why is he here? He told me that he hates dancing, so why did he come to prom? He’s not even dressed properly, with his dirty white tee, flimsy flannel shirt, and regular jeans. The only new thing is the shark tooth on a black string hanging around his neck. His eyes bore into mine as we dance on the dance floor, going our separate ways. My heart sinks into my shoes as he grabs her ass tighter and pulls her closer. Something stabs at me, making me wish the girl in his arms died a slow death. It’s not like me to feel this way, but watching Miles touch another girl lights a fire in me that I can only douse by grabbing Phillip and kissing him right on the mouth.
I don’t know what drives me to do this. To kiss another just to hurt a man. It’s stupid, and jealous, and wrong … but I can’t handle the pain, and now I’m taking it out on Phillip. I’m using him as a puppet for my revenge so I can make Miles feel the same pain.
I’m bad, like in the worst way, and I don’t even know why I’m doing this but I am. Phillip’s lips aren’t the same, delicious lips that I remember when Miles kissed me. Instead, they taste like poison, and I keep my eyes open through it all, watching Miles crumple from afar.
His lip trembles and his nose twitches, and then he grabs the girl’s face and puts his mouth on hers just the way he kissed me. He’s putting every ounce of what he has into the kiss; I can see it from the way he locks his lips with hers and from the way he holds her like he’ll never let go.
Tears well up in my eyes, and I look the other way so I can whisk them away. I cough, trying to swallow down the rising bile.
“Are you okay?” Phillip asks. His face is all flushed from our kiss.
“Yeah,” I say, nodding, but I’m not sure if it’s the truth. “I just … I could use a breather.”
“Oh, let’s go grab a drink then,” he says, smiling awkwardly.
“No, I’d prefer to just go outside for a few minutes.”
“Sure, we could do that,” he says, and he places his sweaty palm on the small of my back as he walks me to the door.
“I’m fine, Phillip,” I say. “You don’t have to come along.”
“Of course, I do,” he says, smiling like an idiot.
I guess my kiss did more to him than it did to me.
As I walk outside, I push away the tears because I don’t want them, and because I don’t deserve them. I’m a horrible person, made into the doll my mother wants me to be, and I’m letting it happen. I’m becoming a stuck-up and jealous bitch.
I shake my head and stare at the ground, frowning, trying to contain my anger toward myself and toward Miles. I told him that he couldn’t be with me because he’d be in danger, even though he doesn’t know that last part …
“Hey.”
I turn around because of a voice. It’s a guy, and I don’t recognize him, except that he often hangs out with Phillip. The only difference now is that he’s holding a bottle of liquid, presumably alcohol.
I frown as he comes closer and gives Phillip a bad high five. The guy is totally wasted.
“You’re beautiful, indeed,” he says. “Vanessa, right?”
“Hi …” I say, tentatively.
“Wow, you’ve really outdone yourself, dude,” he says to Phillip, smiling partially.
“Yeah, she’s quite something,” Phillip says, licking his lips.
“Hmmm, so pretty,” the guy says, walking even closer.
I back away against the wall, and only notice now how far I actually am from the entrance to the building. “Thank you,” I mutter. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine, honey, perfectly fine,” he muses, laughing as he takes another sip.
“Maybe you should stop drinking that,” Phillip says, trying to grab the bottle, but the guy won’t let him.
“Oh, c’mon, Phil. Where are your guts? This is a party. You gotta enjoy it.”
“I think you’ve had enough,” I say.
“I’ll say when I’ve had enough, pretty girl.”
His breath stinks as he leans in too close. “Eew,” I say, pushing him away.
“What’s the matter? Too good to talk to a nice young man?” he asks, holding up the bottle. “I’m just having fun, doll.”
“Don’t call me doll and please get out of my face.” I push him away, but the more I push, the further he leans back in.
“Phillip, seriously, you’re seeing this chick? She’s hot, but she has a filthy mouth; that’s for sure.”
“We’re not technically seeing each other. Yet,” Phillip says, putting his hand behind his head.
“Phillip!” I give him a deadly gaze. I can’t believe he just said that, but it does make sense, considering we’re both basically forced to spend time with each other.
I wince. “I came here to take a much-needed breath, not to talk to some drunk stranger.”
“Who said anything about talking?” The guy grabs my arm so hard I flinch. “I’m way more interested in what else you can do with that mouth of yours.”
“Phillip!” I yell, as the guy leans in closer and closer.
Phillip makes fists with his hands, staring at us as he bites his lip, but he doesn’t move.
“What are you doing?” I say as the guy tries to kiss me. “Get off me!”
“No, let me taste those sweet lips,” he says, almost licking me.
“Get away!” I push as hard as I can, but it doesn’t stop him from pressing his dirty mouth onto mine, almost making me puke.
Right at that second, someone drags him backward, unlatching him from me, and he throws him to the ground. Spats of rain fall from the sky as I wipe my cheeks and watch Miles get down on top of him and beat the living shit out of him.
“She. Said. No!” he screams, punching his gut and face multiple times.
The guy spits up alcohol and puke, and it flows all over his chest and the ground, but Miles keeps going.
“Stop,” Phillip says. “What are you doing?”
“Miles!” I yell, as he keeps punching the guy until he’s covered in blood and vomit.
By the time I get to Miles, the guy is already missing a few teeth and the bones in his fingers, jaw, and nose are obviously broken.
“Miles, stop!” I yell, pulling on his arm.
Consumed by his rage, he pushes me back so hard that I drop to the ground.
Everything suddenly stops. Miles has the guy’s shirt in his hand, ready for the next punch, but his eyes are on me as I lie partially on the ground. Raindrops fall from the skies, ruining my dress as I crawl up from the ground. Mud covers my dress, and my hair, draped over the side, is ruined. And yet, Miles still has this look of appreciation in his eyes … and of regret.
He sniffs, wiping his nose. “I’m … Fuck.”
He releases the guy and gets off him. Immediately, he storms toward me. For a second, I fear he’ll hit me, but then he grabs my hand and drags me away.
“What are you doing?” I say.
“Hey! Where are you going?” Phillip yells. “You can’t leave him like this!”
I look back at Phillip who is helping his friend up from the ground. He looks pretty beaten up, but the thing that strikes me the most is that Phillip is helping him, even though he didn’t help me. Meanwhile, people come flocking out of the building, probably alerted by all the ruckus going on outside.
“Don’t look back,” Miles says as he hauls me away.
“He’s hurt!” I say.
“Fuck him,” Miles spits.
“You beat him to a pulp, Miles!” I try to grab his attention, but he’s not even looking at me. We seem to be moving toward his car, and I get the sense this isn’t going to end well.
“Let go of me!” I jerk my arm loose.
“No, you’re coming with me,” he says as he fishes the key from his pocket and presses a button, making the car beep.
He opens the door and says, “Get in.”
“No. Why the hell would I do that?”
“Get. In!” he yells so hard that I’m jolted backward against the metal, feeling my way into the car. There’s only one time I remember ever feeling this scared of his aggressiveness … back when he beat the guy who bullied me.
He slams the door shut behind me when I finally get inside, and then he storms to the other side and jumps in, too. The engine revs and he quickly closes his door before stepping on the gas. The car shoots forward like lightning, and I have to grasp my seat to remain steady and not be flung from side to side.
I only just put my seatbelt on when Miles says, “What the fuck were you doing with those guys?”
“Nothing. I was outside, taking a breather, and the next thing I know, that dude was on top of me, trying to get a kiss.”
“Oh, no,” he growls, shaking his head. “There was much, much more he wanted to do to you.”
I frown. “You don’t know that. He was drunk.”
“Yeah, I do. I’d recognize that look anywhere. I know how it fucking feels, all right?” He glances at me with such fire in his eyes that I’m a bit taken aback. I’m not sure whether I should be scared of him or thankful.
“He was going to fucking take advantage of you, okay? That kiss wasn’t the only thing he was after. Fuckers like that don’t stop until they have everything.”
Miles pulls on the steering wheel so hard that I almost think we’re going to tumble over, but he manages to keep the car on the right track. He’s putting all his anger into this, I can tell.
“But you beat him to a pulp, Miles. He knows. Phillip saw it. Half the school was there. They’ll know it was you,” I say.
“I don’t care. They can drag me to the police station for all I care.”
“Why? Why did you do it?”
“Because I don’t want to see you get hurt!” he yells.
The painful look in his eyes has me momentarily dazed. A flush spreads across my cheek. “You didn’t have to do that for me.”
“I did it because your fucking boyfriend didn’t. Fucking waste of space.”
“Don’t talk about him like that!”
“Oh, yeah? What did he ever do for you?” he asks, grinding his teeth. “Does he even like you? Tell me honestly; are you even happy with him?”
“That’s none of your business,” I say, frowning. “Now, stop this car.”
He laughs. “Yeah, right.”
“I mean it. Stop the car.”
“No.”
“Yes. Let me out.”
“No.”
“I don’t want to be in this car,” I say. “Do you hear me?”
“Where else do you want to be?” He glances at me. “At prom?” A muffled laugh comes from his mouth, and I get the sense that he’s ridiculing me.
“You’re just like him.”
“What?” he says. “Say that again?”
“You heard me.” I fold my arms across my chest. “You make me drive with you against my will.”
“I’m keeping you safe, unlike those other assholes.”
“Safe from what? You’re the one punching people and dragging me off to god knows where!”
“You think you’re safer with them?” he growls.
“Maybe, maybe not, but I just want you to leave me alone, okay? Is that too much to ask?”
He frowns. “Yeah, because I’m not going to fucking abandon you. No matter how many times you push me away.”
“You have no clue what’s going on in my life,” I say.
“Neither do you. You don’t even fucking know any of them.”
“I know Phillip. Maybe I know him better than I know you. He wouldn’t put me in a car against my will.”
Suddenly, he slams the steering wheel so hard that I shoot up in my seat. “Dammit, Vanessa! When are you going to get it? He’s not your fucking friend! He doesn’t even care about you. That guy over there, the one who wanted to kiss you? They’re friends, Vanessa, friends. And my guess is that he persuaded Phillip to let him use you.”
I shake my head, my lips trembling from fear.
“I’ve heard them talking near the lockers. Why do you think I’ve been following you all night? I know what they were up to. Phillip might have been reluctant about the whole idea, but he didn’t say no either,” Miles says. “He’s not protecting you, Vanessa. Not against other guys or himself. He doesn’t give a shit about you.”
“You’re trying to ruin me …” I say, holding my true emotions back.
“No, I’m telling you the truth.”
I can’t take it anymore. I have to let it out. “No. You don’t get to tell me the truth. You know nothing about the truth,” I yell, making a fist because my fingers are shaking. “You don’t know what I’m going through and don’t you dare make this about you.”
His lips part, but nothing comes out. Instead, he just stares blankly at me, before returning his gaze to the road.
It’s silent for a few minutes, and I feel the incredible urge to scream and then cry, even though I don’t want to. That, and the fact my mother raised me to keep my emotions to myself. I swallow away the lump in my throat, as I come to terms with what just happened. That boy was trying to push himself onto me, and Phillip didn’t do a thing about it. He didn’t protect me at all, even though he’s supposed to become my husband.
It never really sank in until now.
A tear wells up in my eye, but I blink it away.
Suddenly, I feel the back of his hand caressing my cheek. “Hey …” He smiles as I look at him. “Don’t be sad.”
Licking my lips, I turn my head away from his hand, not wanting his pity. Instead, I look outside at the road covered in rainwater. Drops clatter down on the windows, creating a soothing effect on the mind.
The car slowly comes to a stop in the middle of the road, near the field we always used to go to, and I unbuckle my belt so I can breathe a little better. I’m contemplating whether to open the door and get out, so I can get away from Miles, but something inside me is preventing me from leaving. Something … instinctual.
“Listen, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have beat him up like that, but I couldn’t let them do what they wanted with you, either.” He leans sideways. “I didn’t want you to get hurt.”
“I know …” I say, swallowing.
He sighs. “I hate seeing you with him.”
“You’re not the only one …” I mutter.
“Then why are you?” The sudden look of desperation on his face has me fazed.
“I’d rather not talk about that …” I say, frowning. “Besides, you were with a girl, too.”
“Yeah, but that doesn’t mean I wanted to go with her.” He shrugs. “She means nothing to me.”
“You were grabbing her ass,” I say.
His eyes narrow. “You saw that?”
“You wanted me to see it.”
“I was just caught up at the moment. But why are you saying this, anyway? You were the one who kissed Phillip.”
“So? He’s my boyfriend.”
“So, I kissed my date,” he says, shrugging again.
“Hey, that’s not fair. You were doing that just to piss me off.”
“Oh, and you weren’t?” He leans in closer. “Because last I checked, you pretty much rubbed it in my face.” He squints at me. “You were trying to make me jealous.”
I gasp. “I was not!”
“Yes, you were. Stop denying it, Vanessa.”
I look at him, but my eyes keep dragging down toward his soaked white shirt, which is now completely see-through, and oh my god, the moment I see his pectorals and muscular abs, I think I’m going to lose my shit. I mean, he’s gorgeous. Like drool-worthy, especially with all that water dripping down his body.
Shit, why am I looking at him like that? I should know better.
“Well, you’re just an asshole for touching her the way you did,” I say, trying to ignore the strong feelings I have.
He leans in toward me, but I don’t move an inch. “Why?” he says, with a smirk on his face. “Because you wish I was dancing with you instead?”
I make a face. “Stop.”
“No, I want to hear the truth, Vanessa. Tell me what you really think when you look at me.” He places his hand on my leg. “What you feel when I touch you.” I take a deep breath as he leans in even further. “What you really want when it’s just you and me.” He’s so close now; I can feel his hot breath on my skin close to my ear, as he whispers the words, “Because I know for sure this is what I want.”
“But you were with her …” I murmur.
His hand moves up my leg. “And every single second I’m with her, I imagine it’s you.”
When he gets closer, my heart begins to beat rapidly in my throat, and my breath comes in short gasps. I don’t know why Miles has this effect on me, but he does. Like a million hot matches setting on fire inside me. I can’t stop it, I can’t control it, and I don’t want to anymore.
His lips brush along the side of my jaw, and then they find my mouth. His lips consume mine with uncontrollable need, kissing quicker with each taste. I can’t get enough, so I move closer to let him kiss me everywhere. His lips ravage my mouth, my chin, my neck, just below my ear, and even my collarbone. My breath falls short when he touches me, his mouth leaving scorching hot kisses on my body.
“I want you so much,” he murmurs, grabbing my face with one hand, while letting his other hand roam free across my body. “All I can think about is you.”
“Me, too,” I whisper, as he kisses me right underneath my jaw. “Always.”
His fingers are delicate and rough at the same time, pulling me closer as he moves up from his seat to kiss me deeper. The lip ring he has intensifies our kiss; it makes me want to tug on it and bite him. I love how rough and equally soft he is with me; how he’s holding himself back for me, even though I can feel his muscles tense up from the thought of having me. I can feel the tension building, and when his hand finds its way to my breast, I squirm underneath him.
“You want this?” he murmurs, licking my lips with fervor. “I’ve wanted you for as long as I can remember.”
“Yes,” I say, almost unable to pronounce a single syllable.
I’m lost in him, captivated by his ravishing kisses and the continuously hot assault on my body. This isn’t like anything I’ve experienced before, and I want it. I want it all. His taste, his touch, his licks, his smell, his mouth, his tongue, anything and everything, anywhere he wants. I’m desperate and clutch his shirt tight as he squeezes my breast and then my ass, groaning into my mouth.
“Just say the word, and I’ll stop,” he murmurs into my ear while suckling on my lobe.
“No …”
“No?” he asks, smiling against my skin. “I don’t think you mean that.”
“No,” I say, laughing. “I mean, I’m not going to say anything.”
“Except maybe yes,” he says. I muffle a laugh, but it quickly turns into a moan when his hand slides up my legs underneath my dress and brushes along my pussy.
“Oh, fuck. Do that again,” he whispers. “Make that sound for me. Let me hear how much you want it.”
I gasp when he caresses me there, rubbing his hand up and down my panties. They’re getting soaked quickly, and I get the feeling this isn’t going to take long. I’ve only ever done this myself and to have him out of all people be the first to touch me there is amazing.
“Like it when I’m touching you here?” he whispers, circling around with his finger. “I could do this all day and night.”
When he takes his hand off, I whisper, “Don’t stop.”
He smiles, and then leans in to place a kiss on my chest. “I won’t … if you tell me the truth.”
“Yes,” I say, air catching my throat. “I want it.”
“You want this?” he asks, placing a kiss on my breast. “Or do you want me?”
“Both …” I gasp when his hand goes to the back of my dress and rips down my zipper in one go.
Lust overtakes me as he covers my mouth with his and lets his tongue rein free. His tongue circles mine, touching the roof of my mouth, as his hand drifts to my shoulder and slides down my dress. When my breasts pop free, I don’t even notice it until he grabs one and teases my nipple.
“Oh, god …” I murmur, but he captures the rest of my sentence with his mouth, not allowing me one second to catch my breath. I don’t even want to; all I want is his mouth to devour me and to take everything away. My mind is blank as my heart only beats for him, almost exploding with need.
“You’re so beautiful,” he murmurs. “I can’t stop wanting you.”
My heart almost beats out of my chest. Even though I rarely see him anymore, the fire is still very much alive and burning brighter than ever. We’ve found each other again, despite the fact that we shouldn’t be near each other. We’re toxic, and yet we can’t stay away from one another. Both unhappy with our current situation, we reach for love in one another. It’s like happiness is being ripped from the both of us, and we’re blaming each other for it, desperately trying to cling to the little bits we have left.
But I won’t let my future or my past ruin this night for me. This is our night, and I won’t even allow myself to think of the consequences. This is what I need, what I want. Him.
It’s always been him.
