The knife drops from my hand as the past confronts me; the girl I used to love, the same girl sitting in front of me right now with my collar around her neck. I used to say I loved her. I’d do anything for her. And for some reason, thinking about how much I felt for her sparks my heart.
I take a deep breath, stepping away from her to recalibrate my thoughts.
I can’t allow these memories of a long-forgotten past to overtake me. It’s not who I am right now, and it’s the opposite of what I’m trying to achieve here.
“Stop it,” I say. “Just shut your mouth.”
“I know you feel it, too,” she says. “I think about it every day. Ever since you came back.”
“Stop it!” I yell, placing my fingers on my temple to focus. “Don’t you fucking dare.”
“Or what?” She jumps off the table. “You’ll hurt me?” She glances at the knife lying on the floor, and for a second, I think she’s going for it.
“Oh, no you don’t,” I say, lunging for it to grab it first. She doesn’t even flinch as she watches me from above while I crawl back up with the knife in my hand. “You’re playing me. Again.” I sway the knife in the air. “God-fucking-dammit.”
“I’m not playing you, Miles. Look at me. I’m cuffed, for god’s sake.” She shakes her head. “Whatever we had before, we could have again. I never wanted it to end,” she says. “There was just no other way.”
“Tell me more about those lies of yours. I’m so fucking interested,” I sneer, wiping my mouth. I suddenly feel disgusted, but I don’t know why. I feel like my brain is fighting my heart. They both want two completely different things now, and it’s tearing me apart. I don’t know what the fuck to do with it, so I keep pacing around the room, keeping my eyes on her at all times.
“I know what you’re thinking—”
“No, you don’t know what I’m fucking thinking!” I yell. “You have no fucking clue what you did to me.”
“I know what I did,” she says. “I know full well, which is why I see now that this is the consequence.” She holds up her cuffed hands.
“Oh, I fucking remember all right. I fucked you, that night after the prom. After you flaunted that fucking asshat you called a ‘boyfriend’ in my face. After they tried to assault you, and I saved your fucking ass. And what did you do in return?”
She swallows, probably too ashamed to admit it.
“You fucking betrayed me!”
***
PHOENIX
Age 18
I lean against my locker, looking at the picture I took with Vanessa at our spot back when we were still young. It’s the only thing of value that I carry with me at all times. Especially now, after what happened at prom, do I cherish it. For the first time, we went further than we ever had. She was my first and I was her first, and it was perfect. My heart still explodes just thinking about how she tasted, how she felt in my arms, how good I fit into her.
It was more than I ever thought I’d get to experience with her, which is why I feel genuinely happy right now.
I brought her home afterward, although we couldn’t take our hands off each other. She had a distinct glow on her face that still makes me smirk when I think about it.
As I tuck the picture back into my pocket, I see her enter the building. My breathing stops in anticipation, but so does my heart … when I spot Phillip walking next to her.
Hand in hand.
Everything around me seems to disappear as she walks past me, her eyes briefly making contact with mine. They show remorse … guilt. My blood begins to boil and my lips twitch, and I have the incredible urge to smack him to the ground and punch him even harder than the guy I beat up at prom.
How the fuck dare he walk with her after allowing that asshole to make a move on her? And why is she with him?
I can’t believe what I’m seeing. After what we’ve been through, even having sex in my car, she still runs back to him? Fucking hell.
I slam the locker so hard that it creates a dent in the metal. I don’t get the time to go after them, though. The principal blocks my view.
“Miles? Time for a talk.”
Of course, it was only a matter of time before people at school found out I beat the shit out of that kid. I don’t feel sorry for doing it, not even one bit. He shouldn’t have put his hands on Vanessa.
At least, that’s what I felt before I saw her walk down the hallway with Phillip by her side.
Fuck. I should’ve known she’d go back to him. When have I ever been good enough for her? Fuck! She really did a number on me, by making me believe that it was more than just sex.
“Come with me,” the principal says, guiding me into her office.
I sit down in a chair opposite to her desk and twist my lip ring, something I always do when I’m anxious and restless.
“So … Miles … do you know what this is about?”
“I don’t know; you tell me,” I say, folding my arms.
She narrows her eyes. “Now is not the time for sarcastic comments, Miles. You know as well as I do that what you did is against the rules; not to mention, it is also punishable by law. Hitting another student is strictly forbidden.”
“As if I don’t know that,” I say, cocking my head.
“Well, why did you do it then?” she asks.
“Because he was hitting on Vanessa, and in case you didn’t notice, she has a boyfriend now.” I snort. “That’s a new one for me, too.”
“Are you saying you were trying to defend her?”
Someone suddenly knocks on the door and peeks inside.
It’s Vanessa.
“Sorry, you told me to stop by your office?” she says.
“Yes, sit down,” the principal says, inviting her to come sit next to me.
I scoot to the other side of my chair and lean as far away from her as I can as she sits down. When she briefly glances my way and smiles lightly, I can feel the anger zap through me like lightning. All I want is to shout in her face what in the hell is she thinking and if she’s intentionally trying to destroy me.
I don’t know why I let it get to me the way I do, but I can’t stop it either.
She’s just that important to me.
Which is why I’m starting to hate her with every fiber of my being the longer I sit here and stare at that hand that was touching Phillip’s only moments ago.
“Vanessa, Miles here says he was protecting you from another student who he beat up. Is that true?”
Vanessa exchanges a look with both the principal and me before clearing her throat and saying, “No.”
“What?” I yell, my jaw dropping. “I was protecting her!” I look at her. “Why are you lying?”
She doesn’t even look at me.
“Calm down, Miles. Vanessa, if that’s true, did you see what happened?”
“Well, I was taking a breather outside with Phillip when Miles and that other dude just straight out started to attack each other.”
“What the fuck?” I stammer. “Oh, c’mon. That is not true.” I shake my head. “It didn’t happen that way; she’s pulling this story out of nowhere.”
“Stop interrupting, Miles. Seeing as there are no other witnesses except Phillip and Vanessa, I have to take either of your word for it.”
“Don’t take hers; she’s lying her ass off.”
“Miles!”
“Phillip will agree with what I’m saying,” Vanessa says, not even daring to look at me. “Miles hit the guy first.”
“What? What kind of bullshit is this?” I shoot up from my chair and rage at her. “Vanessa! Why are you doing this? Stop fucking lying!”
“Miles! Sit. Down. Now,” the principal commands. Frowning, she licks her lips as she watches me sit back down. My feet can’t stop tapping on the floor, though.
“Since you’re not keen on making a convincing case out of the incident, I’m inclined to believe Vanessa’s story instead.”
“What? Why? They’re all lies! How can you believe her? It’s not the truth! I protected her because he tried to assault her. We even drove off in my car together.”
She looks at Vanessa, who still doesn’t grant me even one look. Instead, she just shakes her head.
“Coward. You fucking coward!” I yell, getting up and smacking my bag on the floor.
“Miles. Behave or I will expel you right this instant.”
“No fucking need! I fucking quit!” I growl, kicking my bag toward the principal. “You can take that shit, as I can’t fucking use it anyway.”
“Miles! Language!” she says.
I will away the impending tears. “I don’t fucking give a shit anymore. See that girl sitting in that chair? She is a fucking liar. I protected her, as I always have. You know why? Because I love her. I fucking love her, goddammit. I have ever since I met her. And you know what? I still do, which is why it fucking hurts here.” I punch my own chest. “She’s not as innocent as she looks.” I point at her and laugh when I see her miserable face look up at me. Her eyes beg me to quit. “How do I know?” I say, shaking my head. “Because that bitch had sex with me in my car, and now she’s running around with Mister trade-her-in-like-a-whore.”
Vanessa’s eyes begin to water, her resolve breaking while mine is only growing.
“Miles! Enough!” the principal yells. She picks up the phone and dials some number. “I need assistance in my office right now.”
A few seconds later, a bulky man steps in. “Yeah?”
“Escort Miles out of the building, please,” the principal sneers. “I don’t want him anywhere near this facility ever again.”
The big guy steps toward me and attempts to grapple me. Fucking hell. I put up a fight, pushing and shoving, but I’m no match for his strength. At least, not yet. Not until I build some muscle, which is exactly what I’m planning to do now that I’ve finally come to terms with the fact that my brain or my heart won’t be any help to me.
They’ll have to fucking drag me from this building before they’re rid of me. Even as the man hauls me through the hallway, I’m relentless in my pursuit of justice.
“Vanessa! You fucking liar!” I scream. “I fucking protected you and now you betray me! Was my fucking love not good enough for you, huh? Fucking bitch!” I kick over a bin while I’m being dragged through the hall. I don’t give a shit that I’m making a scene; I want everyone to know what a piece of shit she really is. Now that she’s exposed her true colors, I won’t let her walk through this building without feeling the same.
If I can’t take her heart, I’ll take her dignity instead.
I know she can hear it.
“Didn’t I spoil you enough, huh? Does he give your pussy more attention than me?” All the people in the hallway are staring at me, but I don’t give a shit. “Was one cock not enough for you?”
The door to the principal’s office opens and out comes the principal together with Vanessa. Phillip is nowhere to be seen. Of course, not; why would he be there for her? He never has.
I have. Look how that turned out.
“When will it be enough, Vanessa? How many dicks do you have to ride? How many hearts will you stomp on?”
“Shut up!” she yells, her cheeks red with embarrassment. She probably thought she could get away with this without feeling something. Well, that’s just too darn fucking bad.
“Yeah, you’d like that, wouldn’t you?”
“Shut the hell up!” she yells. “You’ve hurt me enough!”
“Oh, I’ve hurt you enough? You’re such a fucking joke. I hope you’re happy with yourself, Vanessa. Have a good fucking life,” I shout. Then the big guy drags me out the door and throws me on the curb.
“Didn’t you hear the lady? Shut your trap and get out of here,” the guy says, making a face. “Think you’re a badass, embarrassing a girl like that?”
“It’s called laying the truth out on the floor.”
“I don’t believe a fucking word of what you say. Good-bye.” He turns around and walks back to the door.
“Why don’t you go ask her and find out,” I muse. “She likes riding dick, so if you ask nicely, she’ll probably give you some, too. She has a thing for sad chumps like yourself.”
He stops for a second, and I think he might turn around and attack me, but he doesn’t. Instead, he shakes his head and just keeps walking through the door, slamming it shut behind him. I guess he was able to resist temptation, even though I was not.
And now I’m lying here on the asphalt, with people inside staring at me with a memorable, well-known filthy look. I am the dirt on the ground they step on and wipe off their boots.
There and then, I decide that I will never be ridiculed like that ever again.
The only thing that bound me to this earth, what kept me human, what kept me from all the horrible thoughts spinning through my head, was her.
She.
The woman who first betrayed me.
Nothing stops me from becoming whatever I want now. Nothing.
I will become the man they’ll fear. The man who knows everyone, but no one knows him. I’ll become a stronger and better version of myself. I’ll become invisible. And when I’m ready, I’ll show my new self to the world again.
They will tremble in awe of my transformation.
And then I’ll kill them all.
