If it weren’t for the fact that I can feel my pulse beating in my neck, I’d assume my heart exploded by the chest pains taking over.
Saying those two words to the man I wanted forever with should be an exciting occasion—if the baby were his. As painful as this will be for both of us, I have to tell him the full truth.
He clears his throat as if he’s contemplating how to respond. “You’re…jokin’. Right? Is this part of the breeding kink fantasy or something? You can’t find out you’re pregnant that quickly after sex, can you? It’s been less than a week.”
Five days, to be exact.
I shake my head, lowering my gaze because I can’t stomach watching the pain I’m about to bring him.
“No. I was pregnant already when we had sex. I just didn’t know it then.”
“How’s that possible?” He tilts his head as if he’s trying to count how long we’ve been together. Uncertainty flashes across his face. “What am I missin’ here?”
I meet his gaze, my hands shaking as I hold them in my lap. “Before you and I started datin’, I had a one-night stand. We used protection, but when I kept gettin’ sick, I realized it was possible I could be pregnant, so I took a test.”
His lips twitch as if he wants to say a thousand things at once. “A-are you okay? I mean, that has to be a lot to wrap your head around.”
“Physically, I feel sick twenty hours a day. Mentally, not great. This was unexpected and things between us were going so well…” I pause briefly, collecting my thoughts. “But this changes things.”
He stands abruptly, wiping his palms down his jeans. “Whaddya mean?”
“I’m pregnant…with someone else’s baby. I’m gonna be a first-time mom. How would that not change things?”
He tilts his head curiously. “Sunny. Who’s the father?”
I don’t want to say the words that’ll crush his heart, but there’s no getting around it. He’ll find out the truth eventually.
“Tripp…” I hesitate, wishing I could change how badly this is going to hurt him. He looks at me like he already knows and is pleading with me not to confirm it. “I’m so sorry.”
“Please, please tell me you didn’t sleep with your ex. I need you to tell me that.”
The desperation in his voice has me fighting back tears. Instead of trying to speak, I just nod.
With his jaw tense, eyes narrowed into slits, and hands balled into fists, he looks lethal. “Did he drug you again?”
I shake my head.
“Why would you go back to him?” He scrubs a hand over his pained face. “After everything he did to you, why?”
His voice isn’t judgmental, but I hear the disappointment and disbelief in his tone.
A wave of dizziness hits me as my eyes gloss over. “I wasn’t thinkin’ clearly. It was the night of Landen’s birthday party, and I thought you were gonna hook up with Lydia. Stupidly, I got trashed, and when he asked me to go home with him, I was too gone to care. I fell into what was familiar at a time when I felt really low about myself. I’m not proud of what I did, and I regret it immensely.”
“That’s why he started harassing you again about gettin’ back together.”
“Yeah. When I told him to lose my number and blocked him, that’s when he showed up at my trailer and started leavin’ me notes.”
He scrubs a hand through his hair, pulling the strands and shaking his head. “Fuck, Sunny. I hate him so goddamn much. You have no idea. So many times over the years I was tempted to knock him out on his ass. That night he drugged and shoved you in an Uber, I was close to losin’ it. If Landen hadn’t been there to help me, I would’ve knocked his sorry ass out and not quit until he stopped breathing.”
The vein in his forehead is throbbing and so red, I swear it’s going to burst.
“I know, and it’s why this makes things extra difficult.”
“Wait…” He sits on the coffee table, caging my legs between his thighs. “Are you going back to him? Is that what you’re tellin’ me?”
Quickly, I shake my head. “No! God, no. I don’t even want him to be the father. If I could hide my pregnancy and keep the baby a secret, I would. But there’s no doubt he’ll eventually find out.”
“Tell him it’s mine,” he blurts, and my breath hitches at how easily he throws out that idea.
What is he talking about?
I’m in disbelief at his reaction to all of this. When I spoke to Noah yesterday, I was so certain he’d want nothing to do with me or be so angry he’d tell me to leave. But instead, he’s ready to take responsibility for a baby that isn’t his.
Though I could never let him do that.
“I wish I could, but I can’t lie to him about his own child. I hate him just as much as you do, but it wouldn’t be fair to him or the baby. He or she deserves to know who their biological father is, even if he’s a piece of shit. I also can’t put you in that position to have your family thinkin’ it’s yours when it’s not.”
“Are you plannin’ to tell him right away?”
“Not if I don’t have to. There’s no legal obligation sayin’ I have to involve him in my pregnancy. When he or she is born, then I’ll tell him. But if he wants to see the baby, it’ll be supervised. Knowing how he is, he’ll be unreliable anyway, which is why it’s even more important for me to get a plan in place.”
He leans back slightly. “Whaddya mean by that? What kind of a plan?”
“Well, I’ll be a single mom. I own a business and won’t be workin’ for a while after I give birth, so I need to figure out how I’m gonna support myself and the baby. I need to look into childcare and insurance. This was obviously unplanned, so I need to sort out how I’m gonna do this. Travis can’t hold a job, so I can’t rely on consistent child support.”
Tripp looks at me as if he’s staring into my soul, and I avert my gaze when the realization of what I’m saying hits him.
“You don’t have to do this on your own, Sunny. I’m here. I’ll help you. Just because I hate that motherfucker doesn’t mean I don’t wanna be involved or here for you. I want you, no matter what. You havin’ his baby doesn’t change how I feel about you.”
Fuck me, he’s so goddamn nice and a way better man than I deserve.
Why can’t he just get mad and scream at me so I wouldn’t feel like absolute shit for what I’m about to say?
“Tripp…you don’t deserve to go through the shitstorm I’d push you in. You didn’t ask for this responsibility. This is mine to figure out, not yours.”
“Don’t…” He shakes his head. “Don’t you dare push me away.”
“That’s not what I’m doing. I’m protectin’ you. You’re not seein’ the bigger picture right now because you want us to go back to how everything was before. If you think clearly for just a minute, you’ll realize I’m right and that it’d be easier in the long run if we returned to being just friends.”
“No,” is his immediate response.
I cock my head at the finality in his tone. He’s not acting at all the way I assumed he would, and it’s throwing me off. How can he just talk like we’d be one big, happy family after that?
“Tripp, this isn’t what you envisioned for your life. Being with a woman who’s about to be a first-time mom, dealing with pregnancy sickness, numerous appointments, and labor. Not to mention the newborn phase. Then the infant and toddler stages. How are we supposed to be in a relationship when my life’s going to revolve around raising a child?”
“You’re so used to that asshole disappointing you that you’ve defaulted to thinkin’ all men will fail you. I know you’re strong and independent. You’re used to only relyin’ on yourself, but you don’t have to anymore. You’re scared I’m gonna let you down because that’s all you know when it comes to relationships. But I’m not him, Sunny. I’m not going anywhere.”
I hate that he knows me well enough to see right through me and although he’s somewhat right in his assumption, I can’t fold when I’ve already made my decision. Admittedly, it’d be so easy to give in to what he’s offering. So damn easy to curl into his arms and say okay. Just like all the times I gave in and went back to Travis. That’s how I know it’d be the wrong decision. For once, I’m not going to cling to safety and familiarity, not when it could also ruin Tripp’s life.
Mentally, I’d prepared for yelling, anger, rejection, and disgust even. But this? I didn’t expect his reaction to be so accepting and it’s making it so much damn harder to explain why we can’t stay together. This is for the best. He just doesn’t see that at the moment.
“I’d never compare the two of you. But I can’t allow you to take on this burden that’s not yours.”
“Don’t I get a say in that? Shouldn’t I get to decide what I wanna do?”
“It’s much more than me being pregnant. It’s dealing with Travis for the next eighteen years. It’s the way people will make assumptions about you being with me and having his baby. It’s the responsibility of taking care of a child. It’s no longer about what I want. Being in a relationship seems selfish when a baby is going to be fully dependent on me. That’s where my energy should go. We’re already jugglin’ our work schedules to make time to see each other. It’d be selfish as hell for me to expect you to accept second priority in my life. You deserve so much more than that.”
His jaw twitches as if he’s holding back screaming his lungs out at me. “You don’t even wanna try after everything it took to get here?”
I wish it were that easy.
I swallow, choking back my emotions. “And prolong the pain when you inevitably get tired of only getting scraps of me? I want nothin’ more than for you to find someone who makes you insanely happy. We’ll always be a part of each other’s lives because of Noah, but I won’t get in the way of your happiness.”
“You are right now.”
Tears continue to well in the corner of my eyes, but I don’t let them fall. I need to remain strong to get through this because right now I want to fold and accept everything he’s offering. But I know I can’t.
“I’m sorry. I truly am because this is not what I’d hoped for us. But it’s better this way. You’ll understand when the pain subsides that I did you a favor.”
He flinches like I backhanded him. “Don’t fuckin’ do me any favors, Sunny. I’m not lettin’ you go.”
Of all the ways I predicted he’d react, this wasn’t even in the top ten of how I thought he’d respond.
“Why do you want to drag this out? It’ll hurt worse the more we invest into this and it ends up not working out. At least this way, it only lasted a month, and we can move on easier.”
He crosses his arms stubbornly. “I don’t wanna move on and neither do you. We belong together. You want this as much as I do.”
“But it’s not just about me anymore. I have to also consider my baby’s needs now and what’s best for them.” I’ll be juggling so much as it is, I can’t bring him down with me.
“And I couldn’t play a role in that?”
He makes it sound so easy, as if being around Travis or a child who looks like him won’t remind him every damn day what I’d done. As if his fear of me going back to Travis wouldn’t surface and leave doubt in his mind.
“Of course you could, as a friend, but you need to move on. You have so much love to give and so much to offer the right woman. My focus will be on this new phase in my life and all the changes I’ll be going through. I can’t offer you what you need. Why’re you making this difficult?”
He licks his lips and nods once like he’s defeated from arguing. Then he stands, putting distance between us.
“Say whatever you want, but you’re foolin’ yourself if you think I’m just gonna walk away from you.” He paces on the other side of the coffee table and my heart pounds in sync with every step he takes. Then he stops and stares at me. “You will always be the love of my life no matter if we’re together or not. There is no moving on for me. There is and has always been only you.”
This time, there’s no stopping them. The tears I’ve held back fall down my cheeks and if I don’t leave right now, I’m going to unravel in front of him. “I think it’s best if I go.”
When I move toward the door, he follows and then opens it for me.
Great, it’s raining. Just perfect.
Before I leave, he leans in and brushes the pad of his thumbs under my eyes. He’s so close that I can smell the familiar scent of his cologne.
“You sleep on what I said, Sunny. I’ll see you tomorrow for Thanksgiving.”
He cups the back of my head, presses a kiss to my forehead, and when I close my eyes, I can almost imagine the life he’s painted for us.
“Drive safe.”
Unable to look him in the eyes, I lower my gaze to the ground. “Good night.”
Driving home is miserable. I already hate driving at night, but trying to see in the dark on back country roads while it’s raining and I’m crying is practically a near-death experience.
Deep down, I know I did the right thing. Tripp’s too amazing of a guy to realize it’s better this way. He deserves the kind of partnership where he doesn’t have to deal with baby daddy issues or a child that isn’t his. And right now, there’s no way I can put my all into a relationship while also configuring my life around to have a child. He should find someone who can give him everything and more.
By the time I get to my apartment, my face is a mess, it feels like my heart’s having palpitations, and I’m second-guessing everything. I just want to take a bath, text Noah an update, and crash. With tomorrow being a holiday, I won’t have to get up early for work, but I don’t know how I’m going to sit with their entire family and pretend everything’s fine.
When I get out of my SUV, I cover my head with my bag and walk toward my apartment. It’s not until I go to unlock my door that I realize it’s already ajar.
What the fuck?
Looking around in circles, I don’t see or hear anything, but I pull out my taser anyway. Then I push my door, and it creaks wide open. When I don’t hear any other noises, I grab my phone for the flashlight and check to see if anyone’s inside.
“Hello?” I call out and am greeted with silence.
Taking two steps inside, I flick on the light switch and gasp when I see the destruction.
My couch and coffee table are flipped over. Trash, shoes, and picture frames littered everywhere. My dining table chairs are broken. Shoes I had by the door are thrown across the room.
I don’t dare go any further and instead go back to my car and call the sheriff. The dispatcher said I’m the fourth break-in tonight. That does nothing to ease the fear flowing through me at feeling violated. Some stranger was in my home, touching my things, and going through my belongings.
I want to vomit, and this time it’s not because I’m pregnant.
But because the one person I want to call is the one person I just broke.
