November 26th can go fuck itself.
There are two dates that’ll forever haunt me—Billy’s death and his birthday—and each year, it hurts a little more than the one before.
He’s forever eighteen while I continue getting older and living life without him.
I hate that finding joy in the little things is always followed by the guilt that I’m still alive. And lately, I’ve been happier than ever before, and although he’d want that for me, I can’t help the little nagging voice in my head that drags me back into the dark.
It’s your fault.
He’s dead because of you.
Billy would still be here if you’d just agreed to go to the party.
Yes, I know he’s at fault for his own decisions, but I’ll never forgive myself for how it played out.
If my phone had been on silent, I would’ve never answered it in the first place and his little game of coming to get me wouldn’t have happened.
I knew him better than anyone else. That’s the worst part. That’s what eats at me.
I should’ve seen the disaster ahead as soon as I picked up the phone.
The what-ifs, the if-only-I-had done this or that overwhelm my thoughts until they trigger an anxiety attack. Hell, sometimes a panic attack too in the middle of the night. I’ll be sleeping and wake up with my heart racing and my chest so tight, I swear I’m having a heart attack.
But I haven’t had a single one since Magnolia and I started dating.
Although they’ve been happening less and less as the years go by, sometimes it’ll just hit. Noah’s wedding was harder on me than I expected because it reminded me of how many important milestones he’s not here to experience.
Regardless of how I feel on the day of his birthday, I always buy a birthday cake, a bouquet of flowers for his mom, and a handful of balloons. Then I get in my truck and drive to his parents’ house for lunch.
Marissa answers the door with a smile, but her eyes are glossed over.
“Hi, sweetheart. Come in.”
“Thanks, Marissa.”
She takes the cake from me, and I follow her through the house. When we get into the kitchen, there’s a spread of Billy’s favorite food. William is already seated, and when he notices me, he smiles. Even after all these years of being divorced, they get together one day a year to celebrate their son’s birthday.
“Tripp, hi.” He stands to take the balloons and puts them in the middle of the table.
“How y’all doin’?” I ask, still holding the flowers.
“We’re good. You?”
“Same, thanks.”
When Marissa hands me a vase with water, I unwrap the flowers and place them inside. Then I set it down next to the balloons as per our tradition.
“Can’t believe he’d be twenty-five this year,” Marissa says as she cuts into the cake. “A fully grown man now.”
I smirk at that. “I dunno. I have a feelin’ he’d still be as rowdy as when he was a teenager. He’d just be old enough to know better.”
“I like to imagine him with a girlfriend or wife and maybe a baby or one on the way.”
Knowing how Billy was with girls back in high school, he would’ve had three kids by now.
“You just know the weddin’ woulda been wild,” I say, going along with her idea. There’s no doubt he would’ve stood at the altar drunk off his ass with me by his side, trying to keep him awake.
Marissa sits down next to me after bringing the cake over. “Is there someone special in your life, Tripp?”
William begins scooping mashed potatoes on his plate, and I follow suit, grabbing a piece of fried steak.
“Yeah, actually, there is. It’s new, but…she’s the one,” I say confidently.
“Really?” Marissa’s whole face lights up. “That’s so great.”
“Happy for you,” William says. “What’s her name?”
“Magnolia.” Saying her name aloud makes me chuckle because of how rarely I do say it. “But I call her Sunny. It’s our little inside nickname.”
“Sutherland?” Marissa asks.
I nod as I add more food to my plate. “Yeah, my sister’s best friend.”
“Oh, she’s lovely. I stop by her coffee shop every Saturday at the farmer’s market.” Marissa smiles. “You picked a good one.”
“Yeah, I did.” I can’t stop grinning as I think about her. We made plans for her to come over tonight, which is much needed after an emotional day. “I think Billy would give me so much shit for finally admitting I liked her after all these years.”
“I’m sure he would, too.” William smirks.
As we continue to eat, we discuss the recent crime sprees in town, share a few memories of Billy that pop up, and, overall, enjoy each other’s company. This has been our tradition for years, long before he died. Every birthday, he’d invite me over for dinner with his parents, and after he passed, I didn’t want his parents to spend it alone. So I continued to show up, bring cake, flowers, and balloons, and for a couple of hours, we sit, eat, and catch up.
Honestly, it’s kind of nice. A day just for Billy. William and Marissa have always welcomed me into their home and treated me like their second son. It’s one of the perks of growing up in a small town and having the same best friend since kindergarten. Your parents become theirs and vice versa.
“How’re your folks?” William asks when we move to dessert.
“Great. Stayin’ busy as usual. Already eager for the next wedding.”
“Noah’s was so beautiful. It was a lovely day.” Marissa grins, but there’s a hint of sadness behind her eyes. She’ll never get to experience that as a mother.
“Yeah, it was. My sister just got home from her honeymoon a couple of days ago.”
“Where’d they go?” she asks.
“Honestly, I’m not even sure. Some remote island where they had to disconnect and just…I dunno, drink and explore? I’m sure she’ll tell us all about it tomorrow at Thanksgiving.”
“Oh, how nice. I’ve always wanted to travel, but well, I can’t go alone.”
William keeps his head down.
“What about takin’ a friend?” I suggest.
“Maybe one day. Right now, my job and takin’ care of the home keeps me plenty busy.”
I don’t want to push it, so I nod and take another bite of my cake.
Once we’re finished eating, Marissa brings out the photo albums like she does every year. Billy was their only child, so there are hundreds of pictures. We flip through every single page, reminisce, and share stories we’ve told dozens of times before, but it never gets old. Keeping his memory alive is what helps us get through the years without him.
“Thanks again for lunch.” I hug Marissa at the door. “Remember there’s an open invitation for y’all to come stay at the retreat anytime. Landen and I will take you horseback riding up the mountain and tell you all the dumb shit we did with Billy up there.”
“Tripp Hollis!”
“We were kids!” I laugh when her jaw drops.
“Well, I’d love that. Maybe in the spring,” she says.
“Sounds great. Just let me know.”
Then I shake William’s hand, give Marissa one more side hug, and walk out to my truck feeling a tad lighter than when I came here.
Every year after I have lunch with his parents, I drive to his gravesite and then tell him all about it. I like to imagine him waiting for me, ready to hear about the new town gossip.
“So there’s some dipshit robbing businesses in town and breaking into cars. Probably some little punk with a death wish. I heard Sheriff Wagner’s demand they add more cameras downtown and alert everyone to lock their doors. If you were still here, you’d be ready to hunt the bastard down.” I laugh because it’s totally something he’d recruit me for, too.
“Your folks think you’d be married by now. But based on your previous datin’ history, you’d probably be on your second or third marriage by now because you woulda gone to Vegas for your twenty-first and married some random chick totally fuckin’ blitzed. Then you woulda had a divorce party at the Twisted Bull, where you met your second wife and eloped after you knocked her up during your one-night stand.” Chuckling, I picture all of this playing out in my head.
After a few moments, I decide it’s time to tell him about Magnolia. He’d be lunging at me with excitement considering how much shit he used to give me.
“You’re gonna flip out when I tell you Magnolia and I are dating now. It’s been almost a month. The best one of my life, honestly. Every time I see her, I forget the pain. The anxiety vanishes. Everything in the world is right again.”
My heart races at just the thought of her and knowing she’s coming over later.
“And I know you’d be threatenin’ to kick me in the balls when I tell you I’m gonna marry her someday. She’s the one. Hell, she’s always been the one. Before I was ready to admit how much I liked her, I knew I could never love someone else the way I love her. Honestly, it scares me to give so much of myself to one person, but for the first time, it feels right. There’s this overwhelmingly possessiveness I feel about her. The craving to be around her all the fuckin’ time. It doesn’t even matter what we’re doing. We always have a good time. I’m so goddamn obsessed with her, it’s surreal we’re actually together now.” The smile that takes over my face is downright embarrassing. “My only regret is not tellin’ her sooner. But now that we’re together, I wanna give her the world and protect her from everything bad in it.”
The way I can see him rolling his eyes but then yanking me in for a hug.
“When I ask her to marry me, you’re gonna be at the wedding, right? You promised to stand next to me, and I’m holdin’ you to that.”
I soak up the sun for a few more minutes before standing and letting the tears fall. Then I tap his headstone and repeat the words I say to him every time before I leave. “See ya next year, Billy. Don’t party too hard up there.”
By the time I get home, the emotional weight of today hits me. You’d think that after seven years the grief, it wouldn’t be as heavy as it is during these moments. But then I look around and am reminded of how much older I am now than him. A grown man in his own apartment, responsible for myself, a full-time job, bills to pay. It’s such a contrast to how things were when he died.
I haven’t texted Magnolia since this morning and didn’t tell her what I was doing today. She’d want to console me and sometimes I just want to sit with the pain. Use it as a reminder of how short life is and be grateful for what I have. Not take any of it for granted because it could be cut short at any given time.
Deciding I need a reset, I take a shower and then text her I’m available if she’s ready to come over now.
MAGNOLIA
Okay, on my way.
I smile at getting to see her soon. Since I don’t have anything planned for dinner, I’ll probably suggest we go somewhere. With tomorrow being Thanksgiving, we’ll be at The Lodge for lunch.
When I was at the store buying the stuff for Billy’s birthday lunch, I grabbed an extra bouquet with sunflowers, orange roses, Magnolia leaves, Chrysanthemums, and Mums in a mason jar for Magnolia.
She knocks, and I immediately get up to open it for her.
“Hey, Sunny.” I smile wide as she comes in. “I got you something.”
She follows me toward the couch where I grab them off the coffee table.
Her eyes widen as she dips her nose to smell them. “They’re beautiful. What’re these for?”
I shrug. “They reminded me of you, and I thought you’d like ’em.”
Something crosses her face, an emotion I wasn’t expecting. A flash of sadness.
“You okay?” I set down the flowers and tilt her chin. “Feelin’ sick again?”
She closes her eyes and exhales sharply. “I need to tell you something.”
With her serious tone, anxiety surfaces in my chest, knocking against my ribcage. “Okay. Let’s sit.”
She follows me to the couch, and I face her, waiting.
“There’s no easy way to say it, so I’m just gonna come out with it.”
“Alright.” I nod even though my heart is pounding and sweat is taking over my palms.
She meets my gaze with hesitation. “I’m pregnant.”
