Nick
I’ve been letting Haley flick through the photos I took of the new house that I’m looking to buy. It’ll go nicely with the car that I recently bought too.
“Wow, this is incredible.” She stares and gasps at the screen as she flicks through the virtual tour I have on my phone. One by one, her mouth gets wider and wider with shock. “This is really fucking nice!” She sighs to herself. “Everything is so clean.” She almost shivers with delight. She loves a clean house and never fails to mention it. This house has been spotless since she and TJ moved in. Nothing is out of place, if something is, she would know and flip out.
“Like the place?” I chuckle back as I swing from side to side on the bar stool that’s matched with the center kitchen island.
“Okay, mine is cleaner, but yours is clean enough.” She tries to emphasize the difference between the two. I will never understand what she means by that.
“So, what will happen when you and TJ have kids? Kids are dirty, you know,” I ask but with a hint of a teasing tone to make things light for her. “They enjoy making a mess of any place.” I just couldn’t resist the urge today.
“Well, our kids will be trained in that department, so we won’t have to worry about that—”
“They will still be dirty, Haley. They’re kids, just look at Taylor. Danielle used to be such a neat freak, yet she runs riot in the house. You’ll have to compromise with them,” I joke but she stares at me. She knows I’m somewhat right, and she begins to frown the more she thinks about it. I can slowly see the panic setting in.
The thing with kids is, if you don’t let them figure things out for themselves by trying something new or running riot, how are they supposed to grow? They won’t. You can’t wrap them in a bubble all the time. You have to let them do their own thing. It’s what our parents did. If you don’t let them, you’re hindering them and restricting them, which won’t be good in the long run.
“If you have boys, they’re going to be all sweaty and dirty because I know TJ will have them throwing a football once they can walk. If it’s a girl, she might like to draw—”
“See, that’s where I’ll stop you there. There will be no paintings or drawings of any kind in this house. I’ll just take them over to their uncle Nick’s so they can do that and draw all over your walls.” She smirks once she realizes I have been trying to push her buttons in a playful kind of way. She bit, and I couldn’t help but smile to myself.
“Too easy.” I laugh and push myself up from the stool to grab a water.
She smacks me on the back of my head after realizing she lost the game. I bite my tongue to stop myself from laughing further but I couldn’t suppress the grin. I open the refrigerator and reach for the water sitting on the bottom shelf, near the cooler.
As I make my way back, we sit in silence as she goes through one more round of the photos to really absorb the layout of the house.
“It really is beautiful, Nick, I’m happy you found this one.” She lifts her eyes from the screen to peer up at me, then slides the phone back across to me. I gracefully pick it up and put it back into my pocket, tucking it in nicely.
I sip on my water and we watch one another.
If there is one thing I know about my sister, it’s that she cannot handle silence. She’s always been the type of person who likes to talk, so I know this is killing her inside, but I’ve been wanting to ask her a question; a particular question that’s been on my mind for a while now.
“What?” she asks and crosses her arms. Her eyes are trying to read me as best as they can.
“Nothing.” I sip on the ice-cold glacier water from the clear plastic bottle. I shake my head once I swallow it and place it down on the countertop. I press my lips together as I look around the kitchen awkwardly. The silence is deafening.
“Nick?” She tilts her head to the side so it’s resting on her hunched shoulder. With both elbows now resting on the countertop, she leans forward to get me to focus on her. “I know you want to ask something; I can see it all over your face. So, what is it?” she asks once more.
Should I ask or should I wait? That is the second big question on my mind right now. I know my sister can be a blabber mouth, so it’s taking me aback how reserved she’s being. I think back and forth. Yes or no? I wait a while before I actually give in. I lick my lips and sigh to myself. I run my two palms along my jeans to remove the sweat gathering on them. I’m nervous and she knows this too.
“How is she?” I finally ask. It comes out more like a whisper.
She drops her head and shoulders down from the weight of the question. She knows it’s because I haven’t heard or seen her recently, she knows it’s driving me crazy, and she knows that it’s kept my mind active.
She walks around the island to sit on the stool next to me. She rests her warm palm on my arm in a comforting way, one she’s never done before. She’s either bracing me for something bad or she’s just trying to distract me.
“Do you trust me?” she asks a loaded question. I raise my eyebrows in response and stare at her, wondering why the hell she’s asking me that.
“Yeah,” I finally answer but there is hesitation in my tone and she notices it immediately. We both choose to ignore it and continue.
“Then you’ll have to trust me when I say she just needs the time. Just give her that.” She squeezes my arm for added reassurance. For some strange reason, I know that what she told me will help my mind for the next while. I know that this is all the information I’m getting from her, but at least it’s something.
“Okay.” I nod in agreement. We leave it at that and move on to a different topic. “You coming to the game on Sunday?” I ask her.
“Uh, duh! Obviously!” She deadpans but still smiles. “I wouldn’t miss a game, Nick. You know me.” She leaps out of the chair to walk to the refrigerator. “Oh, and I also invited Mom, Dad, and Ellie with your tickets too.” She casually throws the information over her shoulder. “If that’s okay?” she asks me.
“Yeah, that’s fine.” I shrug. I haven’t used my family and friends ticket each team member gets. I haven’t had the chance to. Haley uses TJ’s and Danielle uses Chris’. “You know who else is coming?” I ask subtly but she peers over her shoulder to look at me with sympathetic eyes once more.
“She’ll be there.” She knows what I was actually asking, even without saying it, but it’s the look of pity she’s sending me that I cannot stand. I look and sound desperate.
Maybe I am desperate?
“Yeah?” I ask for confirmation.
“Yeah. I mean, it’s Chris’ game, too, so she’ll be there.” She chuckles. She knows Carter would never say no to a football game, especially if it were her brothers’ games. Provided that douche lets her go. “So will Danielle and Taylor. Hopefully, the stadium will be full of fans too.”
She pulls out some chicken from the refrigerator and salad to begin preparing dinner for tonight. I just sit and watch her as she rambles on about how to make her famous secret tomato sauce that goes with the chicken and pasta.
I listen to her while I take my mind off of other things. After getting nothing in my head, I spend some quality time with her and help her out for the dinner tonight.
***
Carter
Knock knock knock.
I rush around the kitchen to grab my things to throw them into my handbag. “Coming!” I yell at Chris, who I know is on the other side of the door. I’ve being summoned to watch the Chargers versus the Raiders today. It’s a home game, so Chris is bringing me to the stadium.
I sprint over to open the door to see him patiently waiting in some fitness attire. “I’ll be there in two seconds, I just have to find my phone!” I say breathlessly while holding up two fingers. I race back to the kitchen and leave the door open to allow him inside for some cool air while he waits for me.
“Here, let me help.” he whips out his own phone and calls my phone so I can find it. Once I begin to hear the ringtone, I walk around until I hear it get louder and louder. It’s like a game of hot and cold. I look inside the bag, don’t see it. I open the refrigerator and see it sitting on the middle shelf.
“I must have put it there when I was unloading the groceries this morning.” I feel a blush coming on since my scattered mind came out to play so early in the day.
Chris slides his phone back in his pocket while laughing at me.
“You ready?” he asks before checking the time.
“Yeah, let’s go.” I nod and let him lead the way so I can lock the door as we head out. I near the car only to see Danielle and Taylor aren’t in there with him. “Where are they?” I ask as I pull the heavy black door of the SUV to I can get in the passenger side next to him.
“They’re already there. I thought it would just be me and you today, Cooks.” He clicks his seatbelt in and waits for me to do the same.
“Why? You don’t have something bad to tell me, do you?” I pause and wish for a “no” to fall out of his mouth.
“Nope. Buckle up.” He reaches across and finishes the task for me. To say I’m puzzled is an understatement.
“Okay,” I say hesitantly as he switches on the ignition making everything light up. He punches in the destination into his fancy GPS system to see which route is better and has less traffic, then we begin to move.
“I just wanted to see how you were, that’s all,” he says and I immediately know Danielle spilled the beans. I told her and Haley that I would tell people in my own time. I warned them, both of them.
“She told you, didn’t she?” I grunt as I reach around to fix my seatbelt so it lays flat and doesn’t cut into my neck.
“Maybe.” He grins out the front window. “Don’t start getting snarky at her either. She was drunk and it just flew out of her mouth. She felt bad for it and asked me to forget I heard it, but you’re my sister,” he explains and I start to feel bad for wanting to yell at her. It wasn’t on purpose, and I know Chris can’t lie to save his life, so I know he’s telling the truth. “I want you to feel comfortable enough to tell me these things, Carter. I’m not going to sit here and judge you for it. Hell, my own past relationships have been terrible, so I really can’t be judging you.” I chuckle as I remember all the girls he went through in high school and college. They were all so beautiful and they knew it, but they had no common sense to go with it. I always feel bad for saying it but it’s true.
“It wasn’t terrible,” I confess.
“I know, that’s not what I meant. Sorry, foot in mouth disease,” he jokes while pointing to his mouth. He has a lifelong case of it. “I just wanted to check in with you, that’s all.” He comforts me, speaking to me with care. Looking between me and the road ahead, he tries to keep eye contact with me but can only do it when we roll to a stop at a traffic light.
“It’s been hard.” I confess. “I mean, I was fine at first, you know? I appreciated having the weight lifted off my shoulders and all, but at the same time, I felt empty for a while. I felt lonely sometimes,” I say. It’s been one hell of a rollercoaster with my feelings. Some days were good and others were bad. They say it’s easier if you do the dumping, but I’ve been on both sides of the fence and neither one is easy.
“You’ve got me, Austin, Mom, and Dad. Even Taylor and Danielle too. Haley, TJ, and even Nick. You have us all, Carter, don’t be feeling alone when you have us.” He tries to soothe me but it’s different.
“I know I have you all. That’s not what I’m saying. It’s just an adjustment, that’s all. It’s going from messages all day to nothing; from phone calls at nighttime to nothing; from date nights to nothing. It’s been hard, but I am getting there. I just have to find my feet, and I’m beginning to find them again.” I nod back, reassuring him that I’m fine. “It’s just that breakups are never easy. ” I shrug. I watch all the cars zoom by us as people walk out on the streets to do some shopping or eating food outside and talking with their friends.
“I know. The time Danielle left me because she couldn’t handle the media hounding her for being pregnant with Taylor was my lowest time. It hurt so badly, so I get it,” he confesses. “I loved her then and I love her now, so it was painful.” He bites his lip in frustration, remembering the tough time he had starting off and seeing the news of her pregnancy all over TV. I remember the phone calls I used to get from her about cameras trying to take pictures of her for months. She was called a gold digger and a trapper, but what they didn’t know was that Chris wanted to be with her and wanted to be by her side and the baby’s.
“Yeah, our relationship was a little different though. I wasn’t in love with Ted,” I say bluntly but with all honesty.
“No?” he asks but he already knows about it. All of my family knew, I just wanted to prove to people that I can have a relationship—a good and solid relationship—and I stayed in it because of my own proud self. However, looking back on it, it did more harm than good.
“No, it was forced,” I reveal to him. After all the time I’ve had to think, I’ve gotten my breath back and some clarity. I can finally see what others were seeing. I just wanted to prove to people that I was fine and that I could do this when I obviously couldn’t. I was competing with someone’s career yet again. They allowed me to play along with it. It wasn’t a fair fight—and I knew that from the start—but when Nick came back, I was determined to show him that I was doing fine without him. In truth, it was the opposite.
I was miserable.
“You know, that time—when I said I preferred Nick than Ted—I was telling the truth.” Chris was doing so well up until this point. He opened his big mouth and really stuck his foot in it. Yet, he continues, “And I know you’re going to swing your fists at me for saying it again right now, but I didn’t say it to annoy you. I wanted to let you know that there was a difference between how they treated you.
“Yes, Nick dumped you in a gruesome way, but he treated you right, which is what any brother would want for his sister. Okay, I could have sent him through a wall for breaking your heart, but the way we all saw how Ted treated you in the relationship just didn’t sit well with any of us. He was disrespectful at the best of times, demeaning, and always downplayed your success. But it was what you wanted, so we let you be. Like you said, you were competing with a career, and it’s not easy nor ideal.” Chris turns off the Main Street as we continue towards the stadium on a perfectly sunny day for the game.
I’m excited but nervous too. It’s a big game for the team and the state, and I can tell Chris is pumped to play on the field. Usually, when he doesn’t play well in the last game, he does a complete 180 and plays amazing in the next game. His motto is, “Don’t make the same mistake one after another.” He counts bad plays as mistakes.
“It seems to be a reoccurring theme,” I mutter to myself as I lift my thigh up to put my other foot underneath for a boost.
“I know that, but you are way better than any career,” Chris begins to talk me up, trying to give me more pep in my step. I know he’s trying, and I do appreciate it, but he’s my brother; he has to say those things.
I don’t say anything any further, I just stare out the window in thought as we approach the stadium which you can see up ahead in the front window.
“Have you told him?” I ask my older brother.
“Told who what?” he asks for clarification.
“Nick. Have you told him about me and Ted?” I make it even clearer for him so that there is no miscommunication.
“No, that’s not for me to tell. He doesn’t know. I don’t think TJ has said anything either.” I thank him for not revealing that to Nick in anyway. I want to tell him in my own time. Today might be the day, but we will see how it goes. “You know, he doesn’t stop talking about you,” Chris says so lowly that I almost miss it entirely.
I snap my head around in surprise that he just openly confessed that.
“What? What do you mean?” I press for further information.
He sighs as if it was something he shouldn’t have said.
“I mean, he asks me questions about you; checks up on you; wonders about you. He wants to make sure you’re okay. He even threw a guy against a wall this week because he was talking about hooking up with you,” he admits, to my disbelief.
I rest my head against the headrest as I begin to deliberate about what he just said. “I know he hurt you, but you were both so young. I’m not saying you should have gotten together, just that he didn’t know what to do at that time. Yes, he made a bad decision, but in all honesty, if I was in his position, I probably would have done the same.
“It doesn’t make him a bad person, he just made a bad decision. This guy has been working his entire life to get to where he is today, but he’s in this position because of that bad choice. I understand it. He lives and breathes football, just like me and Austin do. Was it right? Not entirely, but I probably would have done the same, so I can’t knock him. He lives to play the game, and I don’t blame him for hating himself now. You’re my sister, I’d do anything to protect you, but so would he. You just can’t keep punishing him for a decision he made five years ago, Carter. I’m not taking his side, I’m on your side and I always will be, but I work with him. I see the pain you’re both putting yourselves through, and I don’t like it—I don’t like it because I can’t do anything about it.” The tiredness in his voice is evident, but it’s my decision too.
“Yeah, he looks so miserable with all those girls around him,” I mumble sourly. This is not who I am, this person I’ve become out of jealousy isn’t me. It’s not Carter.
“Trust me, they are just bad moments. He’s not interested in anyone,” Chris defends him. I never thought I’d see this day. I thought Chris wouldn’t care or let me deal with it on my own. Maybe he has a point. “Look, I know you’re probably going to ignore everything that I’ve said to you today, but if there is one thing that I’m asking of you, it’s to keep an open mind—”
“That’s what Mr. Jackson said too,” I butt in as we stop at a red light once again.
“Well, there you go. Great minds think alike.” He smirks, making me roll my eyes. Chris has this gift where he could take the awkwardness or tension out of any conversation. Nine times out of ten, it’s because of a stupid joke or at his own expense.
“I wouldn’t go that far, Chris.” I punch him playfully in the arm and he pretends to whine from the pain.
“You know that no matter what you decide on, I will back you up 110 percent. I’m just merely—that is the right word to use in this context, right?” he asks me and continues after I nod, “I’m just merely here to give you another perspective. I see you and I see him. He’s fighting his own demons that are more than bringing him down, as are you. And I know you’re mad at him, but I also know you’re mad about him. All the while, I know for a fact he’s crazy about you. It’s time to forgive him, forget the past, and fix what you have while it’s still there.”
There’s that phrase again. Should I get back with him? Will he get back with me? Now that we’re older, what would it be like? Will he be different or will he be the same guy I fell in love with all those years ago? Will my heart be able to take another rejection, let down, or hard breakup?
I reach across to my brother’s hand resting on the gear stick and take it in mine. I squeeze it tightly before the light turns green.
There is no doubt in my mind that I’m in love with Nick Jackson. What I fear is, will it be the same? Will it be worth the fight?
“Like I said, I trust your decision and will be beside you with whatever you choose. I just want you to be happy, to be that happy freshman in college with that beaming excited smile. I miss that side of you. I haven’t seen her in a very long time, Carter.” I feel my eyes welling up as I look at my brother as he gives me his best advice.
“It’ll take time,” I whisper before I whimper and embarrass myself.
“I know, baby steps.” He removes his hand from the gear stick to hold mine before returning to the previous position to start driving again. “You need to make yourself happy. Nothing comes first except for your own happiness.” He winks as we take off again and turn on the last street that leads directly to the stadium. I wipe my eyes and gather myself together.
I clear my throat and sit upright to keep myself from getting upset again.
“So, what about you?” I ask, continuing to fix my face.
“What about me?” He flicks his attention momentarily to me.
“I mean you and Danielle?” I ask once more, as any sister would do.
“What about me and Danielle?” He laughs as he drives into the car park of the stadium with stewards lining the parking facilities on either side of the car, escorting us to the parking space for players around the back.
“Come on, you know what I mean! When are you going to propose?” I ask the bold question that my family members have avoided asking because they all know I’m the only one he won’t get annoyed at. “Don’t you think it’s time?” I lean over to get closer to him.
He stares at me in the eyes with a deadpan expression before smiling and shaking his head at my attempt.
“Do you have to get in my face?” He places his hand on my face and pushes me back down to my seat, ruining my makeup in the process. Now I have to fix my face once more.
“Yes.” I dab my face as best as I can to fix it before going inside for the game.
Once he finishes parking the car, he keeps the engine on, unbuckles himself, and leans closer to my face, reaching over to the glove compartment to open it. All the while, maintaining eye contact with me.
“That’s for another car ride,” he smartly says, but I look towards the glove compartment and see a small black velvet box. Before I could say something or scream, he shuts it.
“Chris!” I whine because I wanted to see it.
“Nope, you’re not allowed. I want her to be the first one to see it, nobody else.” I pout but understand that.
“Fine.” I sulk playfully.
“Don’t even say anything to her about it. Don’t even hint about it,” he warns me before reaching to the back to get his bag.
I zip my lips together playfully to tell him that his secret is safe with me. I’m honored he told me, and I’m excited for it to happen.
“I appreciate everyone being pushy about it, but I wanted to do it when I wanted to do it, not because people felt I should. I take my time with her to appreciate her. I also know that I don’t need to marry her to know she’s my life partner, but I know she wants it, and I’ll do anything for her.” I rest my hand on my heart as a sign of respect for him and Danielle. I was hoping this day would come sooner rather than later. Danielle is already like a sister to me ever since we met in college, and I’m glad he’s preparing for this.
“When are you going to do it?” I inquire.
“Now that’s a secret that I’m not willing to share, Carter. Come on, let’s get you inside and seated for the game.” He pushes himself out of the car and I eventually follow suit after staring at the glove box. Chris’ “don’t even think about it” message is what got me moving out of the car.
I wanted to see it, is that so wrong?
“Well, whenever you actually do it, congratulations.” I link my arm around his once he locks the car and we head towards the stadium together.
“Thanks.” He kisses the crown of my head just before we part ways. He goes down the player’s entrance that’s surrounded by the media and has cameras flashing. I leave him to go and find Haley. I know she’s in the bar area waiting with Danielle and Taylor.
As I scan my ticket and make my way up the escalator towards the bar area where only family and friends of the players are allowed, I get an overwhelming sense of happiness for Chris and Danielle. After I get off the escalators, I show the security guard my pass and he lets me through the protected doors. I just wish I could help him out with the planning, even though he wants to do this on his own for her. I just want to be there because I know she’s been waiting so long for it to happen.
“Aunt Carter!” I know that little voice from anywhere. I turn around to see Taylor hanging out of her mother’s arms to try to wave at me.
“Hey there, sweetie!” I greet her with open arms. I soon realize it’s not just Haley and Danielle here. The whole Jackson family is here too. “Hi,” I greet them one by one in a daze. I never thought I’d see the day, but I’m glad they were invited to the game.
“How are you all?” I ask them. It’s a pleasant surprise. Even Mr. Jackson gave me a hug as a greeting. Lynn swooped me up in her arms like always. I haven’t seen Ellie in quite some time though. She’s getting taller and more beautiful as she gets older. I know Lynn and Ellie visit Haley every so often, so I sometimes see them. “It’s good to see you.” I nod at Mr. Jackson.
“Oh, we are just so excited to be here. The place is humungous, right? My gosh, no matter how many times I come here, if Haley didn’t know the way, I’d be still lost!” Lynn chuckles as she clutches her pearl necklace in her left hand as she holds a handbag in the other.
“I know. It’s so big, took me forever to find out where I needed to go,” Danielle chimes in. “Right, sweetheart?” She bounces Taylor on her hip to gain her attention, which is clearly elsewhere.
“Yeah!” She smiles at her mom.
“Well, aren’t you just the cutest little girl. My God, Danielle, she’s like a doll! Absolutely precious!” Lynn reaches to squeeze Taylor’s arm, who smiles nervously at her. Taylor’s hasn’t met Lynn or Ellie until today, so she’s still getting used to them.
“She most certainly doesn’t act like one.” Danielle laughs at her only child who playfully giggles at Lynn when she runs her finger across her rosy cheek.
“I’d say it’s rather hard to decide whose jersey you should wear when your brothers and father play against each other.” Mr. Jackson appears beside me to begin a conversation.
“Oh. Yeah, sometimes there are fights, or my mom and I would swap jerseys at the halftime because we don’t want to be seen favoring one over the other.” We laugh together. It’s nice to be getting along with him. He’s a good man who was only looking out for his son and what was best for him.
I’ve moved on, and if I can move forward with him, then I can move forward with Nick.
***
Nick
I shut my eyes and rest my hands on my thighs while I listen to the music blasting in my headphones so I can get into a focused mindset. This is a big game today, and I have a lot of pressure on my shoulders. I move them around to loosen them up and wait for the physical therapist to put a strap on my shoulder that keeps acting up on me.
Breathe in. Breathe out.
Over and over again, I do the ritual to calm my nerves. Not only is it a big game, but my entire family is here to watch me play professionally for the first time. I also have Carter tonight watching from the stands. There’s a lot of added pressure to perfect my game and make sure we win tonight.
I don’t want to let anyone down.
A slap of a hand makes me open my eyes, and I see the therapist standing in front of me. I remove my headphones and sit in a way to make things easier for him to put the strap on.
As he cuts the tape and places it on the skin, he runs through the usual routine.
“If this area hurts at any stage during the game, you come off and let me know, alright? The sooner you let me know, the quicker and easier it is to treat it so you can go back in.” I nod at his instruction that he gives often, but he never straps it properly. When Carter did it, it was much tighter and stronger; it was more restrictive, but not enough for me to play terribly. It was healing my shoulder properly. I’ve been doing the exercises she told me to do, which have been beneficial, but it’s not an overnight miracle. I need to work at it for the long run, and I’m grateful she took the time to have a look at it and let me know how I need to improve it.
“You think you could strap it a little tighter?” I request and he does so by a fraction but it’s not enough, and definitely not like Carter’s. I would say maybe they’re not supposed to, but I did study this in college as well for some time, so I know that it wouldn’t hurt. “Thanks,” I say to get ready. My shoulder moves a bit before it really sets in. There is no stretch in the tape for movements. I stand up, pull up my pants, and begin to change into my uniform; pads, jersey, pants, boots, and helmet. The black stripes under the eye will come in time. It’s a sunny day, so it’s needed.
“You ready?” Chris asks me just as he grabs his helmet.
“Yeah, you?” I reply as I walk towards the door so we can line up in the tunnels and get onto the field. The buildup is always the worst.
“Yeah, I just need the game to start. I’m getting too old for the inspiring, pumped up music,” he jokes, making me burst out laughing as we hear the clicks and clacks coming from the cleats of our boots as we walk down the concrete floor leading its way to the green grass.
“Ugh, smells like someone took a shit in my helmet.” TJ winces as he sniffs his helmet.
“I knew I forgot to tell you something,” I tease him only for him to elbow me in my side as a response. I flinch away from him and laugh until we get to the exit—or entrance, it depends on which way you look at it.
The fans scream as the announcer begins his speech. We all stand in silence until some of the guys begin to run once we hear the signal to lead the way out onto the field.
I don’t run unless I’m playing a game. I saunter out in my own time as TJ jogs right by me, Chris moves up ahead. He runs to hype Taylor up, it works every time. I keep my head down out of fear. If I look up, my nerves will eat me alive.
After the national anthem plays, I can’t help but look into the stands. I see my family clapping and cheering for us when it ends. I also see her. She’s standing next to my mom with Danielle on the other side holding on to Taylor. My heart jumps inside of me.
The baby blue jersey brings out the color in her eyes.
With two black stripes under my eyes, it’s time. “Game time!” my teammates roar to hype each other up. It doesn’t work for me; it never did. I rely on myself to hype myself up. I already did it in the locker room, so I don’t need any additional screams.
“It’s game time.” TJ pats me on the back as we all walk onto the field from our team huddle with the coach to take our positions. It’s different than when we were last here. We train beforehand on the field, and sometimes the other team does as well. It depends on how early they arrive.
It was quiet—peaceful—with no spectators. It’s what I prefer, but I know you don’t get that on game day. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy the fans and want to give them something good to watch, but do I prefer quiet? Yes.
“HIKE!” And the game is off to an intense start. Nobody scores in the first ten minutes, and I can see the guys on either side are getting frustrated.
We run the ball back and forth, only for it to be intercepted time after time. We know each other’s games a lot better than we thought, so in that case, it’s time to switch it up. I give one look to Chris before setting up to let him know that this one is for him.
“HIKE!” The ball is snatched to my right, and I run back to get it from the player and assess how well the decoy has done. I see Chris making a break for the end zone. I know I will make it to him. The guy on his tail won’t be able to match Chris’ speed. I launch it in the air and watch it travel down to his hands. He takes it with relative ease and runs further over the line to celebrate the first touchdown of the game.
The rest of the game went by slowly and meticulously. The Raiders like mind games and that’s what they’re giving us. There’s a lot of heat in the game. Some fights brewed throughout it, but they were resolved quickly with the threat of cards. Emotions were high, and so were the stakes for both teams right now.
A few words were had and a lot of risky plays happened, but we didn’t have much options and we were running low. So, we deceived the opposition and decided to switch it up a lot. That really caught them off guard but it doesn’t mean they didn’t adjust to us.
We have a 17–10 lead for us at the halftime and 30–27 for the full time score. It was close but we got there in the end. Not without blood, sweat, and tears.
I am tired and out of breath, so I lay on the grass on my back after shaking the opposing team’s hands like I always do, even if they didn’t want to. My mom raised me to be that way, and I will not change.
Laying there, I look at the sky and see TJ move next to me, laughing as he lays down. “Man, I think that has to be the best game you’ve actually played, Nick. The way you took charge of the game was amazing, man! Congrats! This win is all because of you!” TJ pats my chest as I lay amongst the greenery. I smile and remove my helmet. I could feel my body not thanking me the same way, and the beads of sweat drip down my face.
A shadow passes over my face, and I look over to my right to see Jason and Chris crouching down beside me, smiling happily because we won. I couldn’t bring myself to look out at the fans. I needed a moment to myself and to catch my breath. That moment stops thanks to what Chris says next. “Great game, Jackson! I think I’ve lost my own personal cheerleader!” He points to Taylor clapping for the team and waving her hands around in the air. I couldn’t help but laugh at her and her adorable ways.
“I think you actually lost all three of your cheerleaders.” Jason laughs loudly, slapping Chris’s chest. I see Danielle screaming with Taylor and Carter clapping. I sit up to see her cheer.
“I’m surprised he let her come to this game at all,” I say bitterly. I turn back to face Chris, who is staring right at the three of them. I couldn’t hide the sourness in my tone. I remove the towel tucked into my pants and lay it across my helmet in a huff, resting my hand on my head to block the sun from my eyes.
Chris’ head drops, drawing my attention back to him. He leans back, sits beside me, and sighs. Except he’s not looking at me, he’s looking at TJ. So, I turn my head around to face him. He’s wearing the exact same expression on his face. This can only mean one thing; they know something I don’t.
“What?” I ask as my head plays a game of tennis as it moves back and forth between the two of them. “What? Why are you looking at each other like that? You all of a sudden realized you’re both in love with each other?” Jason snorts and thinks it’s funny, but neither of them do the same. They look at one another, completely serious. “What?” I press for an answer. “What is it Chris?” I snap and he finally looks back at me.
“Ugh, she’s going to kill me for saying this.” Chris rubs his face harshly while looking at his sister. A few moments later, he turns to look at me. “Nick, she dumped Ted.” The next few seconds shakes me to my core so much that I actually thought I had died. I had to ask Chris to repeat himself because I do not believe him. “Yeah, she did,” he reiterates.
“Nah, you’re fucking with me, that’s not cool. Fuck both of y’all.” I lay back down, only to be dragged back up and stared at once more.
There is a serious and sympathetic look in their eyes, and I feel my heart sink into my stomach. “I think they’re serious, man.” Jason stares at Chris, who shuts his eyes and nods. He licks his bottom lip and looks off to the side. He rubs his chin in thought and stays quiet for a few more seconds, thinking about what he’s going to say next.
“Yeah, I am. She dumped him,” he confirms and returns to look at me dead in the eyes.
“Look at me here and say that again.” I grab hold of both his shoulders and point to both eyes to make sure we’re focused and I know they’re not messing with me or it’s not a dream.
“She dumped Ted,” he repeats slowly so I can catch every syllable. This is the moment I’ve been waiting for. My mouth begins to run dry, and I stare at the older Steel brother, trying to piece it all together and digest what he just dropped. I know he’s serious, I can see it in his face. My heart is thumping rapidly. I think I’m either going to collapse, puke, or die right here on the field. I hope it’s none of the above.
“When?” I ask, trying to get all the information I can. Instead of waiting for the answer, I snap my attention to her and see her smiling at Taylor and brushing back the little girl’s hair as she giggle at her beautiful aunt.
“About three weeks ago.” I blink, dumfounded at TJ, and begin to see fire. They kept this fucking thing quiet for three weeks?
“And you’re only fucking telling me now?” I reach for him, only to be pulled back by Chris to keep me from killing my best friend.
“We were warned not to tell you,” TJ exclaims because he knows how mad I am right now. But I also want to run towards her and kiss the life out of her. I want her back; I need her back. She is my absolute everything. It’s time to get the information and deal with these guys later. Now, I need to talk to her.
“By who?” I grunt out.
“By her. She wanted to tell you in her own time,” Chris speaks calmly to bring the tension down.
“Why? Why are you telling me now?”I ask after taking a deep breath.
“Because I can see the pain you’re both in. I love my sister to death, and I can’t see the hurt she has in her eyes any longer. I know you love her too, Nick.” I face Chris once he releases me from his arm that was wrapped around my neck to stop me from killing my future brother-in-law.
I sit there and go back to staring at her and notice she’s looking at me too. My heart is thumping so hard, I can hear it in my ears. I feel it’ll come loose from my chest cavity. I think I’m going to faint but the two slaps on my shoulder pulls me back to reality. I turn around to see a pair of legs standing beside me. I look upwards to see Chris’ hand is outstretched. I take it and he pulls me up but keeps hold of my hand in his, shaking it.
“Go get her.” He nods towards his sister standing amongst the fans but I notice she’s trying to go through the crowd. It looks like she’s about to leave. “Go. Before she leaves,” he says.
I race towards her. My legs are doing their thing. I run like it’s my last time on Earth. I have every intention to leap over the barrier to get to her. It feels like everything is in slow motion or I’m in one of those nightmares where no matter how fast you run, you won’t be able to catch up and she’s moving further away from me. I hate that feeling.
I have to dance around some team members to get to a place I know I can comfortable get to her.
Once I get near the fencing, the fans all jump at the chance to get to me while the security guards rush down the aisle to protect me as best as they can. I grip the high barrier and pull myself up and over without a hitch in my step and land on both feet. I have to be very careful because cleats and concrete do not mix well. I don’t even take a second to rest or breathe, all I want is her. I start to climb up the stairs and call out for her to get her attention, but the crowd is too loud so I have to get closer to her.
“CARTER!” I yell over and over.
***
Carter
“Daddy won! Daddy won!” Taylor yells. She’s so happy with Chris and his performance. He’s going to be her hero for the night, but I know that the crowd along with my niece was more impressed by a certain someone who I think played the best game he’s ever played. It was beautiful to watch him. The fluid throws, the releases, and the leadership; he made it all look so easy. A true talent.
“Yeah, he did.” I smile back at her standing on the back of the seat in front of her to wave at her dad while Danielle holds tightly onto her. With the crowd up on their feet, I get swept away by the moment of celebrations for the team. They played so great. That was such a good game to be a part of; a memory to cherish.
I clap alongside the rowdy fans screaming and whistling at the team’s performance. Both teams played exceptionally well, but there can be only one winner. I’m glad it’s the Chargers.
I watch the guys talk to one another on the ground, exhausted by the game today. I don’t blame them, but it’s the way that Nick looks at me that catches my breath. A stare of an utterly unreadable emotion. Those gorgeous green eyes are fixed directly on me. I know he’s not looking at anyone else right now, I just know it. My heart leaps into my mouth due to a sudden light-headedness I feel from the look he’s sending me. My vision begins to get blurry.
“Hey, I need to get a drink. Do you want something?” I ask Danielle who is standing next to me and playing with Taylor.
“No, I’m good. Are you alright? You look a little pale,” Danielle asks as I reach for my bag.
“Yeah, I’m just going to get a soda. I think my blood sugar is just low. I’ll be right back, okay?” I say as I push past her and the people beside us. I excuse my way through the prongs of screams as I finally make it to the ascending steps and make my journey up. The yells get louder and louder as I make my way up to get myself to the bar.
It’s loud, but I still manage to hear my name. It makes me stop.
“CARTER!” I hear him. I listen as he gets closer and closer. The guards surround us to stop the fans from getting to him.
“Carter,” Nick calls out breathlessly. I’ve missed him saying my name so much—so, so much.
I can’t even lift my feet to turn around. Instead, I continue to face away and towards the bar ahead.
“Hey, it’s me.” With one touch on my hand, he tries to guide me around, but I can already feel the tears rushing down my face. “Carter,” he says just a hair’s breadth away from me now. I shut my eyes and relish in the feeling of having him near me. Chris is right, I need to be happy. I know letting this all go will allow me to start being happy.
“Please, turn around,” he begs me, and I finally do. Once he sees the tears running down my face, he cups his hands around my cheeks and wipes them as best as he can with his thumbs, catching the ones that are about to fall. “Why didn’t you tell me?” he asks, a slight heartbreak in his tone. I know exactly what he’s talking about. He wouldn’t be here if he didn’t know.
“I didn’t know how to, Nick,” I confess. “I just didn’t know what to say.” It was hard. I truly didn’t know how to, but I knew that I most likely would have told him today. Yes, I am mad at Chris for spoiling it for me, but I’m always happy to have him hold me like this again.
Call me weak, but I’m so in love with this guy. I’ve buried it for five years. I just can’t keep it down any longer.
“I’m sorry, Carter. I’m so sorry for everything I’ve done to you.” I’m aware that everyone is watching us right now, but I feel like it’s only me and him; no audience, no fans. “If I could go back in time, I would—”
“You wouldn’t change anything, Nick. I understand why you made the decision. We were both so young, it was selfish of me to have assumed you would choose me over your career. I’m sorry about that too.” I grip my bag that’s across my nervous body right now. He’s always made me have those butterflies.
“I’m still sorry. I will forever be sorry for that choice I made—”
“I forgive you, I really do. Obviously, it wasn’t an ideal choice, but I understand it now. It’s time to forget this and let it go. We were so young, and we didn’t know what we were doing. I don’t want to hold this against you anymore. Now, it’s time to move on and to—”
“Fix it?” he finishes off with a huge smile.
“While it’s still there,” I whisper as I lean in to rest my forehead on his and shut my eyes. His smell is still as intoxicating as the first time I met him.
“I want you to know, Carter, I haven’t stopped loving you. I don’t think it will be possible to ever stop loving you,” he admits, making the tears continue to flow. Those words are the only words I ever wanted to hear him say.
“I’m exhausted from carrying our past around on my shoulders. I’m tired of going back and forth. I want peace.” I look up at him to stare into those hunter-green eyes I connected with first back at the college party when he sat on the end of a sofa, drinking beer. “The best thing we can do is learn from the mistake, not repeat it, and take things slow.” I nod and explain the best route for us to take as does he.
We don’t need to dive back into things for it all to blow up in our faces. I actually want things to work this time because I couldn’t imagine being with someone else from now on. I want to at least try again to see how things play out. We have grown into very different people from college, yet, part of us still remains the same, so it’s like it’ll be new for us, and I’m willing to venture into the new start. “Lets take things really slow, if that’s what you want?” I begin to realize I’m assuming he wants to get back together. It’s better to ask him.
“Agreed, lets start again and take it slow.” He softly smiles down at me. He licks his lips and stares deep into my eyes. “Is it okay if I kiss you now?” he asks for my permission. It takes me a moment to register that he asked. “I’ve been waiting for five years to do this.” He grins before licking his lips.
“Yeah.” I permit him and we lock lips. I remember everything. I kiss him like I had done before. A soft, sweet, and delicate kiss that has me melting into his arms as he removes them from my face and puts his hands around my waist. I put my own around his neck to shield us from prying eyes, but they see it anyway. We know this due to the wolf whistles and cheers from the people looking at us around the stadium and the country. I feel like I am on cloud nine. The kiss is still the same as I remember. The butterflies, the excitement, and the passion. It’s all still there, it never left.
This thing that we have is still alive, and it feels like five years never passed between us. I still feel like the college girl he reached across and kissed on the rooftop of the sorority house while we looked at the stars together rather than being drunk at a party. I still feel like the college girl he rescued from the pool.
I still feel like the college girl from everything we did; when he made love to me, when he took me out on dates, when he appreciated me even over the little things, when he held my hand as we walked to classes together, when he defended me with his sister’s dismissals, and when he fought hard for me against Ryan and Maya. All of those actions still stand true to today. He wanted this, and I know he still does, as do I.
Will things be the same? Who knows? Maybe they will, or maybe they won’t? It’s all about trial and error with relationships.
This kiss is everything that I needed. He is what I need in my life. I’m not depending on him to be happy, but my happiness required letting go of the past and starting anew. That’s what I’m going to do from now on with this.
I couldn’t help but laugh, and neither could Nick. We look around to see people cheering us on. I feel the blush creep up my neck from the embarrassment of the attention we’re receiving as Nick smiles awkwardly at the onlookers.
It’s still alive; the connection between us from the very first day we met. The power of it is unmatchable. I have a tingling sensation throughout my entire body. A fire has been relit since the first kiss of today; a dormant fire that has been itching to shine bright for five years. A familiar feeling, one I missed and very much welcome with open arms.
I’ve missed his touch and the way he holds me. I miss his smell. I miss those eyes staring into mine. I miss that drop-dead gorgeous smile of his, and I miss the cheekiness. I miss the sound of his laugh or the way he says my name. I miss everything about him.
Will my heart get crushed again?
Or
Will he make me feel whole again?
Will it be the same?
Will it be worth the fight?
I won’t know unless I try, right? And I’m willing to put in the effort, just as long as he does the same, to start again. I just hope it’s better the second time around.
He turns back to face me again, and I peer into those loveable green eyes of his and push back the long hair he has grown off his forehead so I can see him clearly. It doesn’t even matter that he’s dripping with sweat, I just want him to hold me like before.
“Just how I remembered it,” he whispers between us as we have our one and only moment. “It feels just like home,” he finishes. I lean in to kiss him once more while the stadium erupts with delight.
The surge of cheers are drowned out so we could have our moment. I’m totally lost in this kiss.
Life has taught me invaluable lessons, but there is one thing that I know for sure, no matter how hard things get in the past or in the future; it’s that he will always be my Nick Jackson, and I will always be his “little one.”
