Carter
I’ve been working myself up the entire day for this moment. I’m sweating, my heart is racing, and I’m almost on the verge of tears. I have been over thinking this entire moment since Nick brought it up, and I hate it—I hate that this inanimate object has such a hold over me, I hate the feeling I get when I hear that word, and I hate that I can’t run from it now.
“Come on, it won’t be that bad.” He cups his hands around his mouth and shouts up to me as I stand on the balcony to the master bedroom in his Bel Air home. I look down at him as the dim lights in the pool light up the area around us. He places both towels on the side of the pool where the lounge beds are overlooking the view of downtown Los Angeles.
I can never get used to being here; the sights, the smells, the air, and the noise. It’s all something that took me forever to get used to when I first moved here. Yet, when I’m away from it, I miss it. Weird, right?
“Don’t make me come up there and drag you down, Steel, you know I will,” he threatens me, a dimple appearing on his cheek as he runs his foot through the water to check the temperature and makes a small wave. “The temperature is perfect,” he mutters down to the ripples and shakes his foot off, getting rid of the excess water droplets.
I huff out a deep breath and grip on to the metal bar on the balcony holding up the glass panes.
“Just come down, please. I have pizza,” he coaxes me one last time. I glare at him, which makes him laugh, as I walk back into the bedroom. I can feel my nerves kicking in.
“Fine, but if I drown, I’m coming back to haunt you. Not this place, but you! Got it?” I say as I point back at him and listen to that chuckle that I love hearing.
“Yeah, yeah. just get down here.” His voice fades when I walk deeper into the bedroom and see the blue bikini that’s laying on the bed. Haley took the initiative to buy me some earlier this week without me knowing and delivered them to Nick’s place for our swimming lesson that I didn’t know we were having until I arrived tonight.
Talk about an ambush.
As I put the swimsuit on, I grab one of his t-shirts and throw it over my body as a makeshift cover. The sound of my feet hitting the luxurious tiles that cost far too much for me to count reaches my ears as I descend down one side of the grandiose staircase. I skip down to the kitchen to grab the boxes of pizza that were delivered only a few minutes ago. I reach across the island to take some paper towels with me as well.
Just one look at the water has me seriously doubting whether I’ll able to do this. I have been so scared of water, and college only made it worse; Nick knows that.
“You know, you could have told me about this little swimming lesson you planned,” I say pointedly as I set the boxes down on the lounge chairs he’s standing next to.
“If I had told you, you wouldn’t have come and you know that.” He grins wolfishly, knowing that he’s correct; and he is. I probably wouldn’t have come here because it’s the one fear I have that I don’t mess around with.
“And that would have given me less anxiety,” I respond smartly.
“Then I wouldn’t have gotten to see you.” He wraps both arms around my shoulders and cradles me in his big arms. It’s then that I notice he’s not wearing the straps on his shoulder to help with the healing like I had instructed, and he starts laughing when he looks at my face. He knows about what I’m thinking. “I took them off because we were going swimming. I don’t want to go to sleep with a wet tape on my shoulder, Carter. You can top me up afterwards,” he says and pulls me in closer so my face rests on his chest.
I wrap both of my arms around his waist and hold him like I don’t want to ever let him go. Never again. Also, I may or may not be trying to distract him from the ungodly lesson that I’m desperately trying to get out of.
We never talk about it but I always look at and trace the tattoos he’s decorated his skin with when he’s not looking or when he’s sleeping peacefully next to me. I stare at his left peck for a little longer than I thought. He pulls back a bit and peers down at me while I ogle his chest. All the ink on his body surprised me at first, but I have become used to it by now. They suit him.
“Come on.” He gestures towards the water and I groan back, thinking I had gotten away with it, while he drags me to the steps that lead down into the pool.
“Do I have to?” I groan as I watch him lower himself into the warm water, expecting me to follow suit. I stand at the edge as I watch his back muscles mesmerize me as he disappears. He turns himself around, expecting to see me, and frowns when he sees me standing alone at the side of the pool. He tilts his head and raises himself up out of the water to come and collect me. He holds a hand out for me to take and waits.
“Come on, little one. You have me,” he whispers.
“And pizza,” I joke, making him chuckle and nod.
“And pizza,” he repeats but stays as he is. “Come on, I’ll tell you the stories behind all of these,” he coaxes me as he looks down at the black ink on his body, inviting me to come for a swim with him.
He’s a good negotiator. He knows I’ve been wanting to know about his tattoos and what they mean to him; his thoughts behind them, the stories, and the reasons. Why he got them, and why those particular ones? They are tasteful, but I can’t help but think about why he got them in the first place.
What urged him to go to that place?
Me?
Probably?
“Okay, fine,” I pull the shirt off my body and inhale, trying to gather my thoughts. He raises himself out of the water and walks toward me, taking both of my hands in his. He slowly and gently pulls me into the water. He knows that I’m very nervous. Even I can even hear my breath shaking. The water feels nice but I’m still so scared.
“Well, you should only stay here for now so you can feel the bottom of the pool. We’ll keep at it until you feel more confident in the water with me and on your own, okay?” he whispers and lifts me into his arms effortlessly with the help of the water. “That may take some days, months, or even years, but I promise you that we’ll do this at your own pace, okay?” He pulls me closer to his body so we’re pressed against one other, one hand on my back and the other holding me up from underneath my butt.
“You doing okay?” Nick checks on me and my racing heart rate. I am flooded with memories of how I felt that night. The feeling of the water on my skin is bittersweet because the last time I felt this, I thought I was going to drown.
“N-Nervous,” I respond. I can’t even form a full sentence; my mind is on high alert in case he lets go of me. I can’t swim all that confidently.
“It’s okay to feel nervous, Carter,” He gently pinches my chin and lifts it up a bit so that I am facing him and focusing on him. He smiles tenderly. “So, pick one and I will tell you the story behind it.” He begins to take my mind off the water.
“Your first one,” I ask, taking advantage of the opportunity he’s giving me. I want to know absolutely everything about the ink on his skin.
“This one . . .” He points to his left peck, the one I knew it would be.
His eyes never once leave mine when he speaks.
C.S.
VI.XXII.MCMXCIV
“I got this the day we broke up, which wasn’t a very good day for either of us. I got really drunk and went to the nearest tattoo parlor. It was at about three in the morning, and I was laying on the seat for the guy to do it. I had TJ with me trying to talk me out of it the entire time I was there,” he begins. I can see him picture it all in his mind. “It’s your initials, Carter Steel, and the day you were born,” he explains and I listen intently. “I had it placed there so I could have you close to my heart wherever I went. Even if you hated me at the time, I wanted you around—”
“I never hated you, Nick,” I confess. “I couldn’t have even if I tried.” I lean in for a soft kiss on his perfect lips. “Sure, I was disappointed in you at the time—and hurt—but I never hated you,” I whisper on his lips.
“I’m sorry I did that to you,” he responds.
“I know. It’s all water under the bridge. We’re moving on from it now, so continue with your stories. I promise I won’t interrupt again.” I smile to lighten the situation but also to hide my anxiety and the death grip I have on him so he won’t let me go.
He chuckles to me. “I love seeing you smile,” he compliments me before continuing where he left off. “I knew somewhere in the future that we’d see each other again; you might not have wanted to, but I did. Every morning, I would wake up and see the tattoo in the mirror on me; it gave me hope. I got it to believe in us and what we have, because I knew you felt it too,” he tells me a much deeper story than what’s on the surface. “It was the closest thing I had to waking up with you in the morning and falling asleep at night with you.”
A much deeper meaning to a simple tattoo he has. He’s being so raw and honest with me and it’s the part that I love most about him. He’s not afraid to show this side of him, especially with me.
“So, how come you can’t see them in photos?” I ask as I wonder where they all go when it comes to his side job in modelling.
“I wear tops that cover them, and for photos, I get the editors to edit them out. They’re personal to me, and I don’t want everyone to see them.” He smiles tightly as he looks up at me in the water. The light is reflecting on to his eyes, making them bigger and brighter to me.
He points to the two constellations on his shoulder next to a pair of wings hovering over the stars. “I got these because of the night we spent together on the roof during a party. You taught me all these facts about space. These two represent you and me; you’re the little dipper and I’m the big dipper, because you’re my little one. It’s a reminder of when we first kissed.” He then points to the wings when he notices me staring at them. “And that represents how much of an angel you are to me.” I run my thumb over the wings and smile softly down at them.
“The words ‘Amore Eterno’ means ‘forever love’ or ‘eternal love’ in Italian, the so-called language of love, according to Mozart.” He stands a little higher to show me the scripture on his ribs. “I think that one is self-explanatory. I thought it sounded nice. I also got that when someone made a comment about you that didn’t sit well with me, so I wanted to get it for you.” He settles back down into the warm water and pulls us both over to the wall of the pool so he can lean against it.
“What comment?” I ask him.
“They knew you dated me and saw you with your dad on TV. He said that you looked hot. You did, but I just didn’t like hearing it from someone else’s mouth; it was disrespectful too.” He shrugs and looks off to the side out of embarrassment.
“Even when we were not together, you’re still my knight in shining armor.” I smile cheekily back at him only for him to roll his eyes. He still couldn’t suppress the smile. “Continue.” I chuckle at his reaction.
“The red rose represents the time I got you those white roses when you were in hospital and for our first date. I knew white is a sign of purity and innocence, and I thought it was fitting to get them for you at the time, but I wanted a red rose for romance and our relationship,” he beams back at me. I stroke the side of his face with my thumb to soothe him. “Even when we weren’t together, I would keep seeing white roses everywhere. I knew that I should have bought you red roses at the time as a sign from me, but I also knew white was your favourite.”He continues to hold on to me as we drift closer and closer together, like we’re whispering between us and keeping this a secret.
“This one”—he points to the words “Bella Piccola” on his shoulder to bring my attention to it—“is also Italian, meaning ‘beautiful little one,’ because that is what you are to me and always will be. Inside and out, you are just so beautiful. I wanted to be able to get the chance to call you ‘little one’ again someday. I held on to that hope and prayed nobody other than me called you that. I cannot get over how beautiful you really are, little one, and how lucky I am to have you in my life and with me right now. I’m lucky that you gave me another chance.” He brushes a piece of hair that had fallen loose from the side of my face. My hair is tied back to stop it from getting wet because I don’t want to deal with that mess later on. I want to go straight to bed and relax with him while watching a movie on the big screen he has in the bedroom.
“The wolf and the human face here is probably the most stupid choice I made at the time, but I have come to accept that it’s part of who I am. I see it representing, like most people in society, the demons inside me. It really showed through after the break up and what happened with my dad. Everyone saw me as this football player who has an attitude problem—a heartless man who would sleep with anything with a pulse. They saw me as an aggressive brute on the field and sometimes off the field; a beast, some might say. That is why I got it. The people around me thought I was becoming this big shot football player looking to be scouted for the NFL. You didn’t, you saw me as Nick.” The sadness in his eyes is leaking out.
I knew that some people only wanted to be around him just to say they were with him instead of really getting to know the true him. They immediately categorized him, as did I, as soon as they found out that he was one of the best football players in the country in college. He worked hard, but people only wanted the final product, not work with him on his journey. He knew that, and took advantage of it, but is now regretting it judging from the tone in his voice.
He swiftly moves on from the wolf-human head. “The two birds; the one in front represents you and the other one behind it represents me chasing after you. I got the first bird as a sign that maybe I should just let you go and let you live your life, but I came around soon after and realized I just couldn’t do that. It’s selfish, but I can’t picture myself without you. I was in such a bad place at the time. I was drinking and going to bars, picking up girls I didn’t want to be with. I just didn’t want to deal with it all, but I knew I had to at some point.
“I regretted letting you walk away that day. I should have ran after you, taken everything I’ve said back, and kissed you then and there. I should have kept you by my side throughout this journey, and yet I let you walk away.” I can see the shame on his face and in his hunter-green eyes that I just love looking into.
The sadness his face is shown clearly when we think back to that day but it’s part of our history. We learn from our mistakes. Now we’re back together, taking it slow and getting to a stronger place with each day that passes. To be frank, if we had stayed together in college, we may not last as long as we hoped to or have thought. Then again, maybe we would have?
We will never know, because it never happened. This is the road that we took and have taken on as ours. We’ve moved forward together, even though we were separated. Our past is what happened, and we’ve all learned from it so we can be in a better place.
“The boat is from our first date. Although it’s not the exact boat, it’s close enough.” He nudges to his shoulder just below Bella Piccola. “I got it three years after our first date. I was out on some yacht the day before and stared at the ocean the entire night, thinking back to that moment we had.” He nods and licks his lips.
“The ‘I Trust You’ on the side of the boat is what you said to me on the first night that we got intimate. Believe it or not, that was a special moment for me. You trusted me enough to do that with me and you felt safe enough with me the whole night. I also have a slight confession,” he speaks through his closed teeth like he probably shouldn’t have said it.
“Oh yeah? And what’s that?” I ask, intrigued by what he wants to confess. I lean back and smirk at him for keeping a little secret from me.
“I still have our pictures from our first date. I would look at them when I couldn’t fall asleep.” He rubs the back of his head embarrassed.
I laugh out loud, making the mood lighter and letting him know it’s okay to have those memories. He’s a sentimental guy and holds tightly on to those memories. He’s a lot more sensitive than you may think. For most of his life, he’s been expected to be this type of guy who is perfect at everything he does. But everyone has flaws, and in order to make a relationship work, you accept them wholeheartedly. No ifs, ands, or buts.
What he doesn’t know is, I kept them too.
“I have them in the back of my wardrobe back at home in a small box where I kept most of the things that you either gave me or reminded me of you. I haven’t looked at it in quite a while but I still have them. I got them printed off a few days after the date and stuck them around my dorm room. I always looked at them when I started my day in college, but when we ended things. I had to put them away so I could handle all of it. Even then, I still kept them.” I watch him grin like a big fool, my arms wrapped tightly around his thick neck. I roll my eyes and laugh.
We both lean in for a kiss; it’s a soft, gentle, and the most perfect kiss that I’ve ever received from him. Every time we kiss, something within me lights up in a way that I cannot explain. This feeling is something a whole lot greater than before, something that I knew was always there, but this talk has ignited something different within me; different kinds of feelings.
Excitement.
Elation.
Freedom.
Euphoria.
Spirited.
Allurement.
Love.
I feel like we’re back to where we were, even though we have grown so much in the five years we’ve been apart. It happened all so naturally, which is just what we needed.
