I‘m speechless. As I stand in our living room, I wonder when I lost my mind and my self-respect to agree to this. How did I get hauled into this mess? A little over a month ago, I had no idea who any of these people were. I was happily going to class, avoiding my apartment as much as possible. It wasn’t great, but at least Gary and Rachel didn’t pull me into their shenanigans. Now, front and center of some weird drama, or foreplay of two people I barely know. ‘Lyss, you’re kidding, right? This is all just a joke. Have you moved on to pranking me now?’ I asked, my voice flat and resigned. My hands rubbed across the velvet fabric clinging to my stomach, trying to soothe the uneasy feeling ricocheting through it. The outfit is tight, I could hardly breathe.
‘Why would I joke?’ Oh, that’s right, I forgot she has tunnel vision. All she’s focused on is taking down Aiden. Or going down on him. I still haven’t decided which urge is controlling her actions more. I’m just another casualty in their fight. ‘Come on. It’s not that bad.’ Her hand clasped the top of my shoulder as she squeezed, reassuringly. Not that bad? I haven’t looked down in the last twenty minutes in fear that my boobs might suffocate me. They’re hoisted so high; it feels like I don’t have a neck.
‘Says the woman not wearing it.’ Muttered Laura on the side.
I raised my hand, nodding in her direction. ‘Thank you. Why don’t you put it on?’ I aimed at Lyss, shrugging out of her hold, trying to adjust the bottoms which were riding high up my ass.
She cocked an eyebrow, her lip curling on one side. ‘There are two very good reasons why I can’t.’ She raised her hand, pointing one perfectly manicured nail up to the sky. ‘Number one,’ The same finger is then directed down to me. ‘That costume barely fits you, ergo there is no way I’m going to fit in it.’ She is about a foot taller to be fair. ‘Number two.’ That talon spikes back up, this time with another one joining it. ‘The cake is too small for any of us but you. You’re like the size of a stamp. No one else will be able to jump out of it.’
My gaze swept over to the giant fake cake that Lyss made. She didn’t order it. She made it. Out of what, I don’t know. But she’s essentially hired me out as a stripper for the night without asking first. ‘Why do I have to do this in the first place? Isn’t there another way?’ I pleaded, wobbling on my 6-inch patent leather heels and scratching at the fishnet tights covering my legs. Normally I can get away with heels, but Lyss has picked ones with a particularly vicious spike at the end making it hard to balance.
She shook her head. ‘Unfortunately, I’ve exhausted all my options. This is the only one with an element of surprise. There is no way they’d ever expect this from us.’ Of course, because who would be caught dead in this outfit when it’s not Halloween. Reality starts to settle in, my breath heaves because there’s little room for my lungs under this corset and I’m getting hot. Is this what a panic attack feels like?
Laura is right by my side. ‘Relax Reign. No one will know it’s you. I promise.’ I think her words were supposed to soothe me. They don’t.
‘How are they not going to recognize me?’ I snorted out still trying to hide my freak out.
Lyss smugly smiled as she walked over to a bag and pulled a piece of fabric. ‘Because you’ll be wearing this.’ She shoved a black latex mask in my face. I hold it up, inspecting it with interest and wondering where in the hell she bought it, but that’s one search engine history session I don’t want to go down.
‘This only covers half my face though. The guys have seen me enough that they could tell it’s me.’
‘Not after I put this blonde wig on you…” she holds it up proudly. “and some bright red lipstick.’ Lyss really has thought of everything. Any kind of hope I had to get out of this is dashed as she stains my lips with a color as red as Satan’s tail. I can’t think of any other excuse not to do this.
‘Is there a reason why you didn’t just hire an actual stripper?’ It’s my final out. The only thing that might make her see sense. I can’t dance. I most certainly can’t be seductive. Yet she expects me to go out there and shake my tailfeather like I’m in a Jamie Foxx music video.
She squinted, ‘I didn’t have time to hire one and I can’t risk the stripper targeting the wrong guys. You know exactly who you need to keep the attention of.’ Words escaped me for the second time that night. ‘It’s not that big of a deal, all you need to do is pop out of the cake, dance close enough to them so you can grab their phones out of their pockets. Laura will do the rest. Simple.’ She shrugged, making it sound so easy. So effortless. I guess she has thought of everything and some jersey chasers wear less on a Thursday. Maybe I’m being a prude.
‘Adam’s seen you in less anyway.’ Laura waved off the hesitation I was about to voice. My head shot in her direction. ‘Oh, don’t act so surprised. You two have been attached at the hip since you moved in.’ She smiled. “Don’t be embarrassed, it’s cute.”
My mouth hung open. Confused. I thought about all the times she could be talking about. “No, we haven’t.”
She eyed me suspiciously. ‘Who did you have lunch with today?’ I didn’t answer. She already knows. ‘And who did you walk home with?’ Silence.
‘Is there a reason you’re stalking me?’ I asked rhetorically. ‘As you both know, it’s his birthday today. I’d always planned to take him to lunch and we live next door to each other. It would have been weird not to walk with him.’ My rationale made perfect sense in my head at least.
A slow smile grows on her face. ‘Sure. Whatever makes you feel better.’ She’s quiet for a minute and I think I’m out of her line of questioning. ‘Didn’t he ask you out on a date the first day you moved in?’
‘Yeah,’ I reply, but it’s not like he’s mentioned anything since. ‘That was because he didn’t know me then. He knows me now. We’re just friends.’ I explained and It’s true. Whenever I’ve been around him, it’s always felt easy, like I’ve known him my whole life. Like I could tell him anything. But not in the way that I need to tell him everything. It’s not the way I feel when I’m with Devin. He could sizzle my soul with just one hooded look. And there goes my stomach again. It’s been doing that every time I’ve seen or thought about him recently. Mainly because I hated how things ended with us. Ended. It’s such a final word. We didn’t even start. He’s already onto his next fuck buddy. I just wish I’d said something when I had the chance. How could it already be over between us?
My stomach had been rolling so much, I ended up shutting my curtains, refusing to see him for a week. In reality, I thought I might die if I accidently saw him with that girl again. Thinking about his hands all over her, his lips kissing her skin, his body on top of hers. No thank you. He should be kissing and touching me like that. Only, he didn’t want to. Not anymore at least. He got his fill.
Yesterday, I stupidly thought I was over everything. We just had two nights together. That’s it. I’m a big girl. I moved on from Clay, and I was with him for years. I could move on from this too. When his knuckles rasped on my windows and I saw his ruffled dark hair and cheeky grin, I could have kicked myself for thinking that. I reluctantly walked over to what felt like the death march. I’ve never known I was going into a ‘break up’ conversation before going into it, accidently going into it. I chickened out and decided to avoid it. I didn’t need him giving me all the reasons he didn’t want me. I’d been thinking about our situation a lot since it happened and the whole thing became glaringly obvious. I’m not the girl you settle down with. I’m the practice one. I’m the girl guys have fun with. The one they hang out with until they find the one. I didn’t think that was me until Devin and Clay proved it.
Sadness was heavy in his glare and I knew, I just knew he was trying to let me down gently. The idea of him sitting in my room while he told me he didn’t want to be serious with me because he was in fact with someone else made me want to vomit. I did what any sane person would do, I told him I was busy and shut the curtain again.
Even hearing his name in passing today at lunch had my bones tingling. I wish I didn’t crave him like a starved dog. Maybe this will be good for me. Devin is probably going to bring his new plaything tonight. Seeing them together might make me feel better. Like ripping a band aid off.
‘I’m sure he wouldn’t say no to more.’ Laura elbowed me with a grin on her face forcing me back in the room with them. Adam. Right. We’re talking about him. Not Devin.
‘Adam’s great.’ He is. He’s gorgeous and funny and smart and everything a girl could want. ‘It’s just -‘
Lyss raises her hand. ‘We don’t have time for this guys.’ She interrupted me, draping the wig over my head, and stuffing my hair underneath it. ‘Reign needs to get this cake in the next two minutes before the two frat guys I’ve paid to wheel her in are waiting outside.’ She snatches the mask from my hands, wrapping around my face and holding the long blonde wig in place, the strands tickling the backs of my thighs. With lightning speed, Laura and Lyss lift me over the top and into the cake. Now that I’m closer, I can smell the cardboard and as they shut the lid on me, I’m thankful I’m not claustrophobic. I clutched my legs tight, nervous that if I moved, I may break the cardboard too early. Here goes nothing, I guess.
I tried to adjust my pants; the wedgie was getting bigger with every bump on the road the frat boys rolled over. I could hear them complaining about the weight of the cake until they managed to find something to roll it on. Holding my body tight and spitting out strands of the synthetic wig, I think about how I ended up here. That this was in fact where my life had taken me. Who knew that every event in my whole life was going to lead me to this moment? Wearing a black crushed velvet costume that’s at least a size too small and a mask that’s ear is getting stuck on the tape holding the cake together. No boyfriend, hardly any purpose and a wedgie. Yup. I’m really winning at life right now.
How am I going to do this? I’ve got to capture the attention of five guys, all the while making sure no one sees me steal their phones. It will be a miracle if this works. ‘Hey guys,’ I hear a muffled voice. ‘What’s this?’ The voice choked out a laugh. That’s exactly what I am. A joke. One of the frat boys holding the cake gives him some generic answer and that’s when I feel the cake being lifted, I can only hope I’m being carried into the party.
The crowded room fills the silence as the bass bounces through the cardboard. The party is already in full swing. Adam invited me at lunch, and I wonder if he’ll notice when I don’t arrive but Laura and Lyss do. There’s ruckus cheering when the cake is put down. If only they knew a very bad Dita Von Teese impersonation awaited them. I still haven’t figured out how I’m going to pop out of this cake in any way that could be interpreted as sexy.
The song Birthday Sex blared and that’s my cue. I have two options, I could just not jump out of the cake and hope no one opens it up trying to find me. That idea was out the window though, Lyss would open the cake and force me out herself. The other option is, I push through the cardboard and do my best to seduce our neighbors with the best interpretive dance I can do. It’s interpretive because I’m in no way a natural dancer in flats. Add these heels and there’s a potential hospital visit in my future. We’re halfway through the party. Maybe everyone will be too drunk to notice the stripper’s inability to dance anyway.
‘Here goes nothing,’ I whisper to myself, as if I’d ever be ready for this. I take a deep breath in and pull myself up, pushing through the top of the cardboard cake, hands first.
