cafe because I can sit behind the counter and put my foot up. It still hurts, and I shouldn’t be walking on it so soon, but I couldn’t stay in the cabin any longer.
Leaving yesterday was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I didn’t sleep a wink last night, and the nightmares are back because Cole’s not there with me. I’ve been downing coffee like water, trying to stay awake.
Every time the doorbell chimes with a customer, my heart races, hoping it’s him. But I’m disappointed every time. Why would it be him? I gave him no reason to make the effort.
I paste on my fake smile and act like nothing’s wrong as people stop in to get their coffee and baked goods. Some customers pop in to check on me once they hear I’m working at the cafe.
By the time I head upstairs to my apartment, my foot is throbbing, my head is pounding, and my heart aches. I collapse on the couch, take a deep breath, and bite the bullet I’ve been putting off since I got home last night. I call my mom.
‘Hey, sweetie. I was starting to worry. I haven’t heard from you in a few days,’ my mom answers the phone.
I can tell she’s doing something, probably making herself dinner or cleaning the house. She always multitasks when she’s talking on the phone. It’s so different from how she was when I was growing up.
‘I’m OK. I called to tell you I won’t be visiting this weekend. I hurt my ankle, and I need to give it a rest.
I decided today that I was going to spare my mom the details. She doesn’t need to get all worked up over my kidnapping. I know I’d never hear the end of it. There’s no telling when she’ll fall off the deep end again like when my dad left, and I won’t be responsible for doing that to her.
‘And how did you do that? You have to be more careful.’
‘I wasn’t paying attention, and I sprained it. The swelling has gone down, but I need to ice it. I went back to work today, and even though I had it elevated, it’s still hurting.’
It’s not a complete lie. I wasn’t paying attention when I got kidnapped, and I sprained it. I just left out all the details in between. I feel horrible lying to my mother, but in the end, I know this is for the best.
She hums, and all the background noise stops. I hold my breath, waiting to see what she says next. My mom can sometimes be unpredictable when she gets something in her head. ‘There’s something else, isn’t there?’ she asks.
I decide to divert her attention and tell her about Cole. I tell her he helped me when I sprained my ankle. I tell her that Cash is Hope’s neighbor and that’s how I know him, that he let me stay with him for a few days while I was healing so I wasn’t alone. I tell her about his scar and how he went into town to get Muffin.
‘He seems like a nice boy. What’s the problem?’ Mom asks after I tell her it wouldn’t work between us, and I came home.
‘He’s a mountain man, through and through. He refuses to live in town and never leaves the mountain. I can’t give up my whole life for a man only for him to leave like dad. My whole life is here in town.’
‘I need to confess something. I didn’t spiral because I lost your dad. I lost your dad because I spiraled.’
‘What?’
‘Honey, your dad was so great at protecting you, and I was thankful. He took the hit so you wouldn’t know the truth. But I didn’t realize it was having this kind of effect on your relationships.’ Her voice is shaky, and she takes a few deep breaths before she continues.
‘Honey, I cheated on your father. We were so young when we got married. We changed, and I met a guy. I thought I was in love with him, and he was in love with me. He treated me much better than your father, or so I thought. When he dumped me for the next girl, I spiraled. That’s what you remember, but you were so young, I think you got the timing mixed up. I couldn’t pull myself out. Eventually, your father said it wasn’t healthy for you, and he left, taking you with him.’
My mind races. I was about six when all this happened, and I was sure I had the timeline right in my head. I thought my dad left, saw how bad my mom was, and came and took me.
‘That’s not what I remember.’
‘I know, sweetheart. Your dad took on so much to protect you. I couldn’t get myself out of this depression. I knew I’d screwed things up, not just with your dad but with my marriage and even with you. I started self-medicating, and that’s when your dad said it was too much. He packed everything up, picked you up from school that day, and left.’
‘Why don’t I remember any of this?’
‘Your dad loved me so much that he treated me better than I deserved. he said he didn’t want you to see me that way and would protect you until I got help. He had this misguided belief you needed your mother more than you needed him. I thank him that we have the relationship we do, but you needed him too.’
She apologizes over and over again before we get off the phone. I reassure her that I don’t blame her for any of this and promise her I’ll visit as soon as possible.
After the phone call, I sit and try to remember that time in my life. Nothing I remember corresponds with what my mom told me. Because of my beliefs about how I thought everything happened, my dad and I don’t have a good relationship. We talk a few times a year, and as of right now, we haven’t spoken in months.
He lives in Bozeman with his new family, and he seems happy. He’s always inviting me to different family events and sending me letters and gifts, but I always blew it off.
But I have to know. I have to know my mom wasn’t saying something to make me feel better. I have to know if it’s true because if so, this changes everything.
I take a deep breath and dial my dad’s phone number. It rings a few times before he picks up.
‘Jana! We were just talking about how long it’s been since we saw you. How are you?’
He sounds so happy and excited to hear from me that tears well in my eyes. I don’t have it in me to do the small talk to build up to it. I’m afraid I’ll lose the strength to ask the question, so I jump right in.
‘Is it true, Dad? That you left because Mom cheated, and then she spiraled?’ I can’t hide the wobble in my voice, no matter how hard I try.
‘She told you?’ My dad’s voice is soft and serious. I hear murmuring in the background and then a door closing.
‘She told me she cheated on you, and the guy dumped her. She went into a huge depression spiral, and you left when she started self-medicating, saying it wasn’t good for me to be around her. But that’s not what I remember happening.’
‘I tried so hard to protect you, Jana. Once I found out your mother had cheated, I was willing to forgive and forget because I thought it was better for you to have both of your parents. I loved your mother very much, but she went into this depression spiral, and nothing I said or did helped. It got to a point where being around her set her off and made things worse.’
There are telltale sounds of him pouring himself a glass of whiskey. My dad isn’t a big drinker, but he’ll generally have a glass in hand for tough conversations.
‘I had an in-home nurse come to help try to take care of her because she didn’t seem to want to be around me. The nurse discovered your mom had been self-medicating with someone else’s prescription. Not only that, but she was purposely overdosing herself. I was terrified you would walk in and find her dead on the bed or in the bathroom.’
Tears flow freely down my cheeks, imagining the scene and what he had to go through.
‘One day, when you are at school, I rented an apartment and furnished it. It took everything I had to come home that day and act like nothing was wrong, not just to your mother but to you. I told you your mother wasn’t feeling well and kept you out of her room that night, and the next day while you were at school, I took your mother to a facility her doctor recommended to get her help. Then I picked you up from school and took you to the new apartment.’
‘I remember that, but I thought you left us before that for some reason.’
‘I spent some time trying to help your mother, talking with doctors and touring facilities for her. I also had a huge project due at work, so I did some late nights, but no, I hadn’t moved out. Your mother kept refusing treatment at the facility. That’s when I gave her the ultimatum to stay and get better, or I was going to file for divorce to protect you. She checked herself out of the facility the next day, so I started on the divorce paperwork.’
He pauses, and I can picture him sitting on the couch in his office, taking a sip of the whiskey. I wish I’d done this in person and gone to see him because I want nothing more than to hug him right now.
‘It took a year for the divorce to go through because of all the psychiatric evaluations. I wanted full custody of you because she was deemed unfit. My lawyer tried to get me to go after child support, but I refused. I wanted her to get better so she could have you back in her life. Once the divorce was final, it was like your mother did a one-eighty. She finally got help, but it was another year before she started to get better. As long as she was getting help, we met at a park, and I let her have some time with you. Eventually, about the time you entered middle school, she was back on her feet, and I helped her file with the court to get partial custody.’
‘I had no idea. I blamed you for so much. I had it in my head that you left Mom and caused her downward spiral.’
‘I never wanted you to think badly of your mother. She made some bad decisions, but she wasn’t a bad person. As a girl, you needed your mother, so I ensured she stayed in your life as much as possible.’
‘I needed you too, Dad. I never wanted to let myself depend on a guy in case he walked. I never wanted to fall apart like Mom did.’
We sit in silence, unsure what to say next.
‘What brought on this conversation with your mother?’ Dad asks, finally breaking the silence.
‘I met a guy. A great, perfect guy.’
I tell Dad everything about Cole and how we met. I don’t feel like I have to hold back what happened from my dad. I always knew my dad was stronger than my mother, but I don’t think I realized how strong he was until today.
I tell him about the kidnapping, how I injured my foot, how I needed stitches, and how Cole took care of me. I tell him how he doesn’t like to be in town, about his scar, his military time, and how he went into town to get my dog.
Dad asks all the questions you would expect a parent to ask, like if I’m OK, were the people who kidnapped me caught, and why they kidnapped me. I answer all his questions truthfully.
He apologizes to me and tells me he did what he thought was best, but if he’d known it would have this type of impact on me, he would’ve done things differently. He tells me to follow my heart, that so long as I stay true to who I am, there’s no wrong decision because being loved by someone is the greatest gift of all.
We stay on the phone for another hour, talking and catching up with everything that’s been going on. Dad asks about Hope and Cash and the mountain men’s way of life. We talk about the community garden, and I make plans to visit him soon, which seems to excite him most of all.
Before bed, I shoot an e-mail to Hope, telling her I talked to my dad and need to tell her what happened. I tell her there’s no rush and to find me the next time she’s back in town.
I don’t remember falling asleep, but when I wake, I have two texts from my dad. He tells me he’s glad we talked last night and I know the truth and reminds me to let him know if I need anything.
I get ready and head down to the cafe to sit behind the counter yet again. My dad and I text on and off all morning. We have so much lost time to make up.
I’m reassuring my stepmother that I’m OK when the bell over the door sounds. I set my phone down and look up to greet whoever walked through the door, but it isn’t just anybody.
It’s Cole.
